Thirty years after the once prosperous town of Ponyville was abandoned for an unknown reason, two photography class fillies travel to the town to find out why the once-upon-a-time famous landmark had suddenly become a deserted wasteland erased from Equestria’s maps. So when they find a hospital that appears to be in almost perfect condition unlike the rest of the town, their curiosity burns brighter, encouraging them to enter in hopes to discover the truth of what happened to the abandoned land.
Their exploration leads them deeper into the hospital as they find clues explaining what happened to the town. However, it's not until too late that they realize those clues were never meant to be found.
Chapters (2)
I think it would've been better if there were more chapters, most people won't read massive chunks... reminds me of another horror story that was 50,000 words... and it was one chapter!
Overall I thought it was great, the tension was palpable though it was so much so that I kinda got bogged down by the end... the moments of levity helped, the emotions of the characters were not overdone and perfectly believable and the mystery of it all was very intriguing.
I'm not going to hold my breath but, I hope you are able to make a sequel, this was a very well made tale.
9810401
There's likely not going to be a sequel unfortunately since the ending is sort of open to interpretation and that's how I wanted to wrap it up, but I might consider a prequel. Stay tuned for more!
Thank you so much for your kind words!
They probably should have just put up a fence.
(Note before continuing. It would have befitted Spectrum to be a bit more genre savvy, and the Princesses a bit more cautious in regards to the whole 'forbidden area' thing. Perhaps set up some actual outposts and/or build walls to help keep the place off-limits. Just some thoughts before going on.)
(Okay, this was good. You did well with tension and pain and fear, and competent survivors in a horror scenario. Intelligent and resourceful people, ponies in this case, still being in danger despite their intelligence, makes for a better horror story than idiots getting caught and killed. So it does well with that, mounting tension and fear and the focus on the characters survival, making us root for them. Very good.
Now, I do have some problems. For one, I think too much mystery was left if this doesn't get a sequel. Mystery in horror, unknown, isn't a bad thing, not at all, however it depends on the type. Some horror does better with the mystery never being explained at all, and other horror does best if you actually explain what the heck was going on. In this case, there's too many things I think that are open-ended, unexplained, especially if this is the whole of the story.
Such as why a voice was heard through the elements for Cotton. Why the attempts of binding with the elements made the ponies all go crazy and try to kill things. Why some just stared at the corners sometimes, why that voice from that mare sounded familiar, why the Princesses couldn't fix it, why there was a survivor who knew enough to freak out. And, of course, if it was that dangerous, why the princesses just forbid people instead of setting up actual defenses if that place was so dangerous, especially to the rest of Equestria. Why did the two creatures of the same kind fight? What was up with that face, what actually was it, and why DID she hear a screech at the end? Did the monsters follow her, did a new one get created? Was it just a nightmare? What actually did happen at the end?
All in all, I think this was a good survival horror story, however the number of unresolved plot points and unanswered mysteries detracts instead of adds to. My opinion at least. Also, personally, I'm not a fan of "You got away and thought you were safe but really, you weren't and now you die!" in horror, which I think is what you were going for there are the end. But that's a personal preference, so while it did detract a bit, overall, I did enjoy this story and felt it was well done. And that's all, thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts.)
Your
Elements of harmony infused into ponies that can't control it, causing them to become somewhat like Ghouls in fallout hmm
10319122
I can't believe I never noticed that. Thanks for pointing it out.
10319556
No problem
disappointing that some of the mystery is revealed halfway through and then completely forgotten about as the fic goes on, it would’ve been nice to at least get something on how the elements were talking to cotton or why the elements were turning ponies into monsters. Also the Princesses refusing to comment on what happened should definitely have gotten something, and no security around so anyone can just walk in and start spelunking? Really? And what was the deal with the war apart from tirek being involved?
You did a fantastic job building up a really cool and interesting setting with an underlying mystery and then traded it in for a somewhat generic scary monster fic where the protagonist is chased through the same couple of dark and spooky hallways for a few hours, it’s a real shame.
Whoo, feels like a horror adventure game. Get item to solve puzzle, use item to see horrors in front of you that were previously hidden in the dark, good stuff. Very tense atmosphere.