Just my luck, I was run over by a semi truck and now I'm in Equestria as a draconequus. At least I'm not Discord, so that's a plus. Now, as a Spirit of Chaos I can use my powers for good and hopefully not abuse them like Discord did.
Chapters (5)
- Member Since 22nd Aug, 2017
- offline last seen May 23rd
Zhe Pydoh
Name's Chase Vander Dussen, and I'm a brony and part time author of fanfiction.
Zhe Pydoh
Joined 22nd Aug, 2017 ·
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Encore! Encore! I want more! It may be a bit short but is quite enjoyable! I commend you good sir!derpicdn.net/img/view/2015/4/15/874355__safe_fluttershy_anthro_clothes_discord_parody_skirt_angel+bunny_genie_aladdin.jpg
I'm sorry to have to do this, because you do come across as someone who's making an earnest effort hamstrung by inexperience, but I'm going to have to give you a downvote.
Your writing is a strong example of "telling rather than showing" (ie. shallow writing) and you also have too many examples of characters doing contrived things (ie. things that are very convenient for you as an author, but with no in-universe justification... most notably, everyone taking your character at face value despite being charged with protecting their subjects from threats who might be trying to deceive).
The general impression that you're trying to "cargo cult" write is made stronger by having an adaptation of Genie's song from Aladdin take up so much of this chapter. (ie. Because you don't understand the deeper theory in putting together a narrative, you're trying to mimic superficial characteristics of other things you've read. As such, you wind up with a mess because you've got your causal relationships backwards and are "building airports to summon cargo" when it's really that, "if cargo is waiting to arrive, airports will get built".)
As such, even though I like the idea, I just can't enjoy your implementation of it.
The three pieces of advice I'd start with are:
9878886
Are you saying my execution of this idea is bad?
9883741
Yes. It feels like you're rushing through a mental checklist of things you liked in other stories without understanding why they worked in those other stories and, as such, skipping over supplementary details which were important for making them work.
9883746
I'm not exactly a professional writer. This is the first type of 'Human turned' story I've done, cut me some slack. This is my story, not yours, and I do what I want with it.
9883758
That's why I spent so much time writing down advice. I'm trying to help you improve.
It doesn't matter whether it's a "human turned" story. The problems would manifest just as easily in any type of plot, because it's fundamentally about how you're rushing through things without enough detail and having things happen which feel improbable but very convenient for you as an author. Writing is about building the illusion of a living, breathing world.
It's not really something I can control beyond doing my best to explain why your writing style isn't something I find enjoyable to read.
9883774
I don't exactly handle this kind of criticism well, even if it's constructive. Feedback like that is kind of off putting and it makes me less motivated to actually try and fix my stories. It just feels condescending to me, but it might not be that way for you. I appreciate that you're trying to help me, but I didn't exactly ask for help. That being said, I will take your feedback into consideration. But, I guarantee nothing.
If you want to be my editor, knock yourself out.
9883793
Fair enough. I generally give a story a couple of chapters to see if it hooks me, and I stopped at the end of your chapter 2, so this will be the last you hear from me.
This story has such potential please continue whith this story i loved what you made so far its funny and i cant wait to see him meet Discord
9945887
I’m glad you liked it. I have every intention of continuing it.
9945902
thank you here have a mustache
9945905
New chapter is up.
This is glorious
"Don't do anything I wouldn't do." That made me think Discord. The biggest D-Class of them all. (SCP reference)
9949777
SCP?
I saw what u did at the end the those 3 rules r from Aladdin when genie is explaining the wish thing to him am I right
9970075
Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner!
9970358
Also that song love it so much do u have a pic of our mc?
9970678
Nope. Sorry. I'll have to make it sometime.
Meanwhile in Luna's head, the FUCK is a semi truck
9969116
SCP stands for Secure, Contain, and Protect. It's a fictional organization that handles really weird things.
9983046
Thank you for clarifying.
ah nice joke but honestly you leaf the tree jokes to the professionals
9983250
I can’t compete with that. I’m rooted to the ground.
9983286
You now have to go back to you roots to study for a log time to even dream of derooting my masterful wordsmith skills
9982816
I'll have to add that in later.
All the things were reversed, right?
If not then it wasn't funny but dark.
Like selling someone as a gold statue for the rest of their lives
9984888
Yes. They only lasted for a day. I'll clear that up next chapter.
This story makes no sen.... ah I'll show myself out.
10010997
Lol
I've only ever seen this in ONE other story WELL DONE!!!!!
This had me grinning.
10160418
I’m glad you enjoyed it!
This is sooo rushed
I never figured Out what entropy did to discord
10383159
He turned him pink.
9970075
which also means that instead of calling ti chaos magic, you can call it 'genie, without the enslavement
Bruh that was too fast but I’m ok
I still like the idea of this story
If this is post sunburst and starlight, then rarity’s relationship with discord is already incorrect, as with she was perfectly fine laughing at his joke about oranges with fluttershy
ha ha ha that is too funny I can't wait for the next chapter to come out soon
More
.... I was excited then disappointed. He doesn't need any training the note had everything. Do what you want except no killing, forced love, or bringing back the dead. Three simple rules why would he need any training? Also you rushed the Tartarus out of this.
Gentlemen synchronize your deathwatches