"Ughh,"
The sun. Go away pleaseee just go. Let me sleep.
The sunlight only got worse as if it was insulting me.
"Fine," I said to myself, "I'll get up stupid sun."
Ouch, the stupid sun only got worse when I opened my eyes. As I got up I looked around my room and rubbed my eyes. With a groan, I got up and went to the bathroom. Unfortunately, the bathroom was located out of my room, meaning I had to walk even farther to get there.
Welp, it seems I have nothing to do but get going. As I walked and stumbled over to the door, I nearly bumped my head into it. I glared at it before going on. I soon opened the door and the bathroom door right across the hallway from me. I turned the bathroom light on. You know, I'd take sunlight any day over this light.
As I looked at myself, I saw my blue eyes and light brown hair. I wasn't the most popular but, I was above average when it came to how I looked. Though I really don't care.
As I started doing what I did every morning I just knew. It was one of those days.
20 minutes later
As I got downstairs I got a water bottle and sluggishly chugged it.
"How can you still be tired?" said a voice I wanted to ignore, "you went to sleep hours early when you got home yesterday."
I turned to look at a girl. She was my age, 14, with blond hair and beautiful blue eyes. To most of the people at our school, she is very popular and was very social with everyone. This... has caused problems before, though if she ever got in trouble I was there to help. Besides, who would I be if I didn't help?
"Well, dear sister of mine," I replied, "you weren't walking around all day yesterday. I swear, I think all that walking from the camping trip made my feet harden at the bottom."
My sister had no response for a moment and only pouted. Like a child who was told she could only have two pieces of candy a day. I'm not going to lie it was cute until she got a smug grin and replied.
"Well, dear brother of mine," she said with a tone I could identify, "I'm not the one who wanted to go on the three-day camping trip."
"Oof," I faked leaning back a little while smirking a bit, "shot in the heart by my own sister, how cruel, Starla."
"Well..." she said glaring at me, "It's still your fault. Besides, I don't get why people would even go. Mountains are cold and wet, who would ever want to go?"
"Tell that to the rest of the class," at this point she had her arms crossed while I was cracking up inside at the way she looked, "the only ones that didn't go were you and two others."
At this, she sighed. Operation annoy/tease sister, success.
"Whatever Mark, breakfast is on the table", Star Sighed pointed, "if you hurry up we can make it to school without being late."
I looked at the table with eggs on them. Eggs my sister made. Her eggs are better than moms which is quite funny. I myself am a horrible cook. As I looked at them I was having an internal debate. I was really, Really too lazy to go over and eat. If you look at me you might think of me as lazy. Really lazy. And I'd agree.
My sister, however, was responsible and upstanding. Though we cared and loved each other( family love, I know what your thinking), she was like the big sister disapproving of my lazy habits(even though I'm older) and trying to get me out more.
Even at school, she's like that. I only have a small group of close friends. Though sometimes I do feel a little left out. She tried to get me into her group of friends but personally, I felt they were all focused on her rather than me and I was just following them around with nothing to add.
Later
After eating, my sister and I began our walk to school as we do five days a week, every week. Our mom used to take us there Monday and Tuesday but she's only off on weekends now. Unfortunately, it meant we had to walk to school every day of the week now. It wasn't far though, only a half-hour walk. I know a friend who has to walk much longer, so I wasn't complaining.
As we were walking, it was weird and awkward. It was quiet. I didn't like that.
Today, was different. I just couldn't tell. As we stopped and waited till we could cross, ahead a car crashed into another at ludicrously fast speed. That wasn't the worst part. The car that was hit, was sent flying at us.
No... My sister and I were going to get hit. I did the only thing I could do. I grabbed her in a vice grip hug and took the full force of a flying car.
"Wha...?!-"
BOOM
F
Well, a few errors in spelling and grammar. Like ‘Unfotunately’. I’ll keep reading.
"After eating my sister and I were walking to school" What?
I like how the story flows. It might be slightly fast paced and some grammar mistakes, but the way you write it feels so natural to me, it's hardly noticeable. I'm lovin' it so far.
The dialogue feels so corny it hurts. They are directly related; they should not be that nice.
Personal nitpick to the author:
Tricky tense! Check your tense - the narrator's tense jumps between past and present even within the same internal sentence.
Having dissonance between what the narrator talks about, and when they are, can be a very usefull way of playing with reader's perception - but it has to be done painstakingly purposely.
I usually imagine that I'm having my narrator sitting somewhere beyond the end of the story - and telling it to 'somebody'
If you have a case of, let's say a narrator that does 'recordings', like seen in Avatar or 'Last Pony on Earth' - You get to play with the effect, that the narrator in each 'section' - does not know what happened in the next.
Though you still have to keep track of the relation between the time your narrator tells in, and tells about. - and make it clear there is such a relation.
10643314
I think we read that dialogue with vastly different tones. To me there was a fair amount of sibling snark between them. - I guess Author could practice using punctuation and speech patterns more to hint either way...
The internal dialogue about the two of them had points that hurt me though, like his description of how much 'more responsible she was than her lazy brother.' the fact even the writing got lazy brained was an odd read.
10686252
Thanks, I'll be sure to keep that in mind. Tbh, when I look back at this chapter I myself cringe at it
Also, though Mark could be said to be lazy, it was more have more accurate to say he was... willfully lazy, which he happily admits. But though he's lazy, he won't slack off on say... moral or an important assignment? Not quite sure how to word it, but he has his ups and downs.
It gets expanded more upon later on which you'll see if you make it past the somewhat painfully cringy grammar errors of the first-quarter/first-half of the story. And also get past chapter nine which is a big leaving point for some readers. Just keep that in mind while you read, because they need a lot of work
Either way, any criticisms help out whether to read to the end or not. Though mostly I'm in the need of criticisms for the later chapters since I've already been working out some from the earlier chapters, anything for the earlier chapters I'll still happily take
Ah yes, Truck-kun's clumsy little sister, Car-chan. Should be fun.
10805985
Yep! Generic isekai death for my first story!...
...
I don't have much of an imagination
Tis all logic and rational thinking in my head here. Well, good luck finishing the story. To be honest, I can't fathom how some odd 500 people even reached the latest chapter... If I was a random reader, even I'd end up dropping my own story eventually purely out of the amount of cringe it brings me every time I look at the early chapters.
10806000
Well to be fair, an isekai story doesn't need a convoluted intro. I mean, Re:Zero literally started with "and then he's in another world."
10639992
Ah, the difference a comma can make. He's the unsung hero, he is.