“Alright, look, it doesn’t matter what exactly your position is-”
“Yeah, but what is it?”
“-You’re Grooms of the Stool, legally, but that doesn’t matter. I am literally just inventing your positions to cheat extra money out of the government to keep your broke asses out of debtors prison.”
Twilight’s horn lit, and a stack of six official-looking government forms fwoop’d onto the table. “Now, look, all I need for you to do is sign the second and third pages of these forms and I’ll send them off to the government revenuers and you all will be getting a healthy little sum of bits a month in the mail.”
Rarity blanched a little. “The mail dear? In this town? With our mail carrier?”
Twilight looked thoughtful for a second, then scribbled an extra line onto the top form. “Right, yeah, direct deposit. Send me your routing numbers later.”
Applejack looked at the little princess with no little disdain. “Ah, dammit Twi, you know I don’t engage in usury! We all know banking is a tool of-”
A blue hoof found itself place directly into the mouth of the farmer. “Look, whatever, just write down your mattress as your bank AJ, we don’t care about that shit. How much cash are we talking here, egghead?”
“2700 bits a month.”
Five faces assumed positions of shock, ranging from Rarity’s mild pleasure about the income of two extra dresses a month to the terminally broke Fluttershy’s abject glee at the tripling of her monthly income.
“Oh, and you need to pass a cursory background check, but that shouldn’t be a big deal aaaaaaannnd why are you all looking at me like that?”
Those same five faces had blanched really quite impressively, which, in Rarity’s case, was extra impressive, as before this time it has been a matter of debate as to whether a white face truly could pale.
Applejack snorted and stamped lightly with a foreleg. “Ah, horseapples, Twi, I ain’t gonna pass that.”
Twilight’s eyebrows raised up, “You can’t pass a background check?”
“Well, uh, yeah, I head a feller in a bar talkin ‘bout my brother, an’ course he’d been drinkin, and I’d been drinkin, and he said a some things he shouldn’t have, and sure enough we both ended up outside and got to tusslin’, and, uh, basically I ended up with a couple of charges for the fightin’. Ain’t like I need the money anyway, really.”
“Well, alright, that’s understandable I guess. I’ve still gotta write your name on this form though, already applied for it.”
“That’s fine. I ain’t got nothin to hide.”
With that permission, Twilight picked up a quill and scribbled the farmer’s name on the top form. Slowly, one by one, the bottom half of the page filled up with the complete legal history of Applejack.
CITIZEN: APPLEJACK, CLAN APPLE
3 COUNT: PUBLIC DRUNKENNESS
4 COUNT: ASSAULT WITH A DEADLY WEAPON
1 COUNT: VOLUNTARY PONYSLAUGHTER
2 COUNT: BLASPHEMY AGAINST THE CROWN
1 COUNT: PUBLIC URINATION
Rainbow Dash whistled softly. “Hooooly shit AJ, that must have been some fight. You straight whacked a dude?”
“Uh, yeah, turns out if you buck a feller into a trash can full of glass bottles they tend to, uh, die from exsang – exsing – ex sangeue - “
“Exsanguination, dear?” Rarity helpfully offered.
“Yeah, that’s it, all their blood fallin’ out.”
Twilight just looked on in stunned shock, “Dear Celestia, one of my friends is a murderer?”
Rarity countered, “Well, technically, dear, it’s just 2nd degree ponyslaughter if it’s in the heat of passion, although I must say I am really quite concerned over how exactly the, er, relieving of one’s self relates to this whole sordid night.”
AJ blushed slightly, “Well, y'know, the booze was talkin', so after I sent that guy through the dumpster I, uh, mighta walked over to him and, uh, yeah, on his face.”
Twilight slammed her face into the table. “You pissed on his corpse. One of my very best friends killed someone and pissed on his corpse.”
“Well, I didn’t know he was dead yet! It wasn’t until his wife ran over and checked his pulse I knew I might have kicked him a little too hard.”
Another slam. Luckily, alicorn skulls were very durable. “Unbelievable. You left a widow. You left a widow with her husband’s piss-soaked bloody corpse. How long ago was this?”
“Shoot, coupl’a years now. Technically I think I’m on a work release to my own farm from the prison.”
After a few more smacks, Twilight had managed to compose herself enough to carry on. “Ok, right, well, that’s out of the way then. Whose next?”
As if on cue, a bright blue blur grabbed the next form from the stack. “Ha! I know I don’t have anything to worry about! I just passed one of these bad boys a month ago.”
“What, for the ‘Bolts?” asked Twilight.
“Yeah, they gotta check and see if you’re awesome or awesomely felonious. Or, uh, something like that, this metaphor kinda breaks down when you – look, I’ll just write my name, let’s get the boring part done.”
Once again, the form began to fill up with charges.
“Well, it might not be as boring as you think,” Twilight punctuated. “This is a form EQ-4473, not the military form, after all. I think this one goes a little farther in depth.”
Rainbow’s pupils shrank slightly and her right wing twitched just a little bit. “Uh, oh, well, I’m sure it will be fine. Statues-”
“Statutes, dear,” corrected Rarity.
-of limitations or whatever.”
The first charges had appeared.
CITIZEN: RAINBOW DASH
3 COUNT: SPEEDING
18 COUNT: TRESPASSING
Rainbow exhaled contently. “Phew. Those are all misdemeanors, don’t worry about those, shouldn’t be a proble-”
JUVENILE
13 COUNTS: ARSON
22 COUNTS: VANDALISM
3 COUNTS: BURGLARY
1 COUNT: RIOTING
1 COUNT: RESISTING ARREST
“-shitfucks, I thought those had expired.”
Pinkie gasped in amazement. “Wow Dashie! Arson? I didn’t even know clouds could burn!”
“Ah, well, the clouds don’t, but the air carriages we piled in the intersections sure did.”
“...You passed the military test?” Twilight asked incredulously.
“Yeah, well, they don’t really care about the early stuff. Something about ‘second chances for troubled teens.’”
“You’re twenty-six.”
“Well, I was at one point a troubled teen. The front lines of a hoofball riot wasn’t exactly the best place for a 14 year old to be.”
Twilight stared forward at her wall for a slightly uncomfortable amount of time. It was, after all, a nice wall. Eventually, however, social decorum mandated she respond to her friend. “Fine, yeah, sure, I’ll just mark out the second section. They probably won’t notice. Fifty-fifty at least.” She filed Rainbow’s form into a government envelope, then turned her attention to the other three friends at the table. “Alright, we’re a little less than one for two here girls. Who’s next?”
Rarity demurely pushed her form away from herself. “Ah, Twilight, darling, I’m not sure it’s really necessary for any of us to take another of these dreadful tests, really, so let’s-”
“And it’s Rarity! Very brave. Let’s just write your name on this form-”
“-That’s, um, really not necessary Twilight, let’s-”
“-I-T-Y-space-B-E-L-L-E. Alright! Let’s see what the next one of you sinners has managed to accomplish.”
“-oh please no anything but this.”
Despite her protestations, the form dutifully began to fill.
CITIZEN: RARITY BELLE
3 COUNTS: SOLICITING A PROSTITUTE
All eyes shot to Rarity, whose cheeks had now achieved a truly impressive crimson. “W-well, you know, it can get just so lonely in a lady’s boudoir, and they had that sting operation, and-”
11 COUNTS: PRACTICING PROSTITUTION
Rarity had passed her already impressive flush and was now approaching a color generally reserved for fire wagons. She was sweating profusely, her speech reduced to nigh-incomprehensible stammering and giggling, “Weeeeeell you know those first years money was so tight and the payments and so I just had to make a little extra and those stallions were so nice-”
3 COUNTS: FELONY TAX EVASION
There were more gasps, but Rarity had stopped her histrionics completely. “Well, of course. What, you bunch actually pay your taxes?”
Rainbow looked at her, her face utterly transparent in her abject confusion. “Uh, yeah Rares, we all pay our taxes. Y’know, like normal ponies.”
Rarity scoffed. “Ha! As if those bits are ever getting spent on us. I, for one, would rather have them here than in the hands of some Canterlot bureaucrat.”
Twilight, in an impressive show of restraint for someone born without the inherent knowledge of her newfound earth pony strength, managed to only knock off a sizable chunk of the table, rather than annihilating the whole piece of furniture instantly. “Rarity?”
“Ah, yes, dear?”
“Whose castle are we presently sitting in?”
“Yours?”
“What is the castle representative of?”
“Your position of rule over the… local… government.”
Twilight snatched the dressmaker with a quick glow of her horn, dragging her across the table into what was shaping up to be a truly impressive choke-slam. “Those bits go to ME Rarity. They’re MINE. Do you know what we had to cut off the budget last year? Indoor plumbing for the school. THE SCHOOL RARITY. Your sister has to shit in a BUCKET at school because we were short FIFTY-SIX FUCKING BITS. YOUR FIFTY-SIX BITS RARITY. A BUCKET RARITY! A BUCK-”
“Ah, sugarcube, she’s, uh, turning a little blue, I think she’s, uh, unconscious.”
Twilight looked back at Rarity, whose eyes had not only fully rolled back into her head but were now pointing in different directions, a true testament to the sheer drill-sergeant-esque power of what was indeed a highly impressive royal choke-slam. “Ah, yes, I see that now. Well, let’s not turn this assault into a murder. Can’t be getting a rap sheet like you guys after all!” With a giggle, Twilight dropped Rarity to the ground, where she resumed breathing. “Just kidding! All laws are written in my name, so I literally cannot commit a crime, nor be subject to law enforcement. Just food for thought!” Then, with a flourish, Twilight threw Rarity’s form into a pocket of an organizer, which, to everyone else’s discomfort, was labeled solely as ‘DUNGEONS’ “Right! Well, I don’t see how it can get much worse than that, so let’s move on to Fl-”
“OOH OOH PICK ME I’M NEXT I’M NEXT.”
“Ah – Ok Pinkie, just sign – no, that’s mine, yours is the one with your mark on it - “
“AAAaaaaaaaaaand done! Let’s see what I’ve done!”
Once again, the form began to fill. This time, there was only one charge.
CITIZEN: PINKAMENA DIANE PIE
29 COUNT: INVOLUNTARY PONYSLAUGHTER DUE TO GROSS NEGLIGENCE
Fluttershy gasped in horror. “twent-twenty-twenty ni-TWENTY NINE?”
“Yeah! I was trying to have this suuuuper big party for Hearths Warming, and I was like what’s more festive than those little glass stars? And if one of those is great, how about 241 of them? And oooooooh what if I loaded them into the party cannon and shot ‘em all out so they could fly like snowflakes? Because I bet those orphans from that mean ol’ orphanage down the street really could use some holiday cheer! But it turns out that if you put glass in a cannon you create something the guards called ‘An extremely lethal weapon’ and ‘an absolute atrocity’ and you do something they called ‘the worst terrorist attack since the Trottingham Troubles’ but I mean HEY who ever learned something without cracking a few eggs except this time it wasn’t eggs it was twenty-nine orphans!”
The room was utterly silent, except, of course, for the haggard unconscious breathing of Rarity. Finally, Rainbow Dash spoke, “How, uh, aren’t you in prison right now?”
Pinkie grinned and pronked happily in place. “That’s the best part! They were orphans, you know, so there wasn’t really anybody to press formal charges! They basically just had to let me go after a cursory sentencing, just as long as I see the nice stallions in the white coats at the hospital every other day! What hunks they are, let me tell you, real braniacs, I bet you’d love ‘em Twi!”
Twilight didn’t even respond, instead just grabbing the last form and shakily writing Fluttershy’s name in the blank. “Please, dear Fluttershy, sweet, sweet little angel Fluttershy, you’ll be fine, right? You’ll be a good friend and not a dangerous degenerate who pisses on corpses and burns down buildings and kills orphans and pays her taxes, right?”
“Um, well, there’s, uh, some-”
CITIZEN: FLUTTER SHY
2 COUNTS: SHOPLIFTING
“Hey! I’ll take that! That’s a minor misdemeanor! I’m sure with your money sometimes you have to do what’s best for your anima-"
46 COUNTS: FORNICATION WITH BEASTS
“Uh.”
LOL. .... only 49 counts?
At that moment, Twilight knew. They never should've been able to use the Elements of Harmony, let alone beat Nightmare Moon that first night. Not with these rap sheets.
Twilight also Pinkie Promised to never, ever make her friends alicorns. Equestria would survive longer with Discord in charge.
I love the story by the way. Just couldn't help it.
10666615
Thanks for the feedback and the favorite! Very much appreciated.
10666602
CAUGHT 49 times not committed caught
Fucking genius mate best new fic I've seen in a long time
Good writing and all that hope you write more
10666764
Thanks, I really appreciate it. Feedback is always nice. I've got some other stuff coming, but this was the first one I was able to get into something postable.
I absolutely love when the main sixhave to take psych eval‘s and background checks
I have no words to express my appreciation for this fic other than these
Hey - Twilight said it herself.
Do what's best for her animals. At least 49 times.
Shortly after, all the bars liquor stores would be picked clean and rather wealthy all of a sudden.
Twilight herself would not be seen in over a month.
She swears those two incidents are not related.
~Skeeter The Lurker
10667001
One would hope she at least learned to make sure that any subsequent drunken brawling should be kept away from trash sacks full of glass.
...I...I think Twilight and I might need to lie down.
That was hilarious.
The Chinese Communist Party
See, I watch Fox News.
I know the score.
I am irrationally disappointed by the use of ponyslaughter instead of mareslaughter.
Now let's see Twilight's rap sheet, hm?
429 COUNTS: THEFT OF GOVERNMENT PROPERTY
Twilight sure does love her books.
Well, I always knew there was a reason I liked Rarity.
Dang, imagine Starlight Glimmer's rap sheet.
wouldnt their fight against nightmare moon count to assult against the crown for all of them as she was still tecnicly royalty of the country?
10667138
She was a traitor, and they were essentially under command of the other princess to fight her. Even if they were charged, surely Celestia would have pardoned them for that.
I find it hilarious that Rainbow Dash had the least fucked up stuff, she was just a teen in a riot. Pinkie, however, should probably be not allowed near the general public or any children
So the Elements of Harmony consist of a drunken murderer, a former juvenile arsonist, a tax-dodging hooker, a clinically insane party terrorist, an animal fucker, and a neurotic and soon to be blitzed off her ass princess.
I love it!
10667090
Hey, I know stallions don’t have equal rights, but they’re still ponies!
Everyone has a few skeletons in the closet... but that's no excuse for filling it with more calcium than air. And the thing about physical embodiments of virtues is that they only care about those virtues, not anything else you may have gotten up to.
Horribly funny and funnily horrible. Thank you for it.
10667010
Well, to refer to Twilight herself...
She makes the laws now.
~Skeeter The Lurker
10667122
STARLIGHT GLIMMER:
No counts.
Starlight's commentary: "What? You didn't think I was stupid enough to have my village within the borders of Equestria, did you? ...and there isn't technically a law against aggressive time travel. ...and I was trying to keep out of the sight of the Princess's ponies. Not having an official record is important for a serious criminal, you know?"
I find it hilarious that Twilight is willing to misappropriate 13500 bits of government money to help her friends while schools lack the funds to build basic infrastructure. Kleptocracy at its finest!
We need... a future chapter but WITH the rest of the cast... right now
😆
I love this but there could be so much more done with this
HAHA, o god this was brilliant. I love Twi’s freak out over Rarity’s tax evasion and then the fact that Twi literally can’t commit a crime. That’s just too good.
Brilliant work my dude
10667104
Is also except several hundred cases of neglect, considering how often she left Spike at home
10667154
but something of note is luna and by extention nightmare moon was in 50/50 control of equestria while it could be argued as she was a trator would it also be true that celestia was a trator in that regard aswell?
That was horrible! I love it!
10667181
If there's anything an anarchist knows, it how to avoid the law.
This is pretty pathetic compared to the old rulers of Equestria to be honest. I know we never get a list of Celestia’s war crimes but Luna has treason and attempted genocide (is that even listed as a crime?) under her belt!
Anyways, lovely story!
10667104
Stalking a minor, violent abuse of minor or pet, possibly child slavery, crimes against species (unethical science experiments)...
And one late fee.
I'm tempted to add breaking and entering and violation of spacetime, but at least one instance of both was a result of a predestination paradox, which makes them not count.
10667256
She also experiments on wild animals which cannot be ethical. Like that one e0isode where she turns a frog into and orange.
I mean she is the absolute ruler. Surely she can just rubber-stamp the background checks.
Still hilarious.
10667181
What about Sunset Shimmer? Literary pulling a Yoshi in tax evasion
Doesn't Twilight have the power to grant pardons?
10667138
NM was levying war against Equestria. Titles don’t protect you in such circumstances.
10667181
She tried to overthrow history and Equestria's government and has repeatedly attempted or performed dubious at BEST mind control magics on national defense assets. The only reason she isn't in pony Azkaban is nepotism. As it is, she's basically in Twilight's custody in lieu of a prison sentence.
10667372
Charles Stuart sure thought they did. And under the law, he was right.
That's a lot of killin' with sharp glass edges right there.
Applejack: "I'm not letting you take care of Winona anymore."
I hate to be that guy....but this makes me question what Harry the bear actually does for Fluttershy other than being muscle... and now excuse me I need to go grab some brain bleach.
For the love of Celestia hahahah
10667138
Nightmare Moon's technically in either full rebellion or active treason at that point in time depending on if you need an army for the former. That's the stuff that gets the elements medals for going above and beyond in defense of the nation and NMM some bronze statues south of the Mason-Dixon.
Just 3...???
Can't be right!
We need a Bonus chapter just for Starlight!!