Review: Finding the Rainbow · 2:17pm Jul 3rd, 2015
I love pony fiction. A surprising declaration on a pony fiction fan site, I'm sure, but it's true. So, in the spirit of pony fiction, I thought I would start trying to review, analyse and/or critique some pony stories.
If you have a story you'd like me to review, leave me a comment either on my user page, or through the private messaging service.
Finding the Rainbow is tagged:
Romance, Tragedy, Sad, Random, Slice of Life
It features the character tags:
Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Fluttershy, Mane Six
Finding the Rainbow was written by Joyous Apple, and can be found here. At the time of review, the story is incomplete, with six chapters posted. Full story spoilers below the cut.
A mare wakes up in a hospital with no memory. According to the doctor, her name is 'Rainbow Dash', and the five ponies who greet her are her friends. It's explained that Rainbow lost her memory following an encounter with a monster, when she intervened to save the life of a young foal. Scared and confused, Rainbow accompanies Twilight home from the hospital, while being plagued by a paralyzing fear of heights, and the distinct impression that her friends are ashamed and disappointed by how she acts.
Trying to escape for a while, Rainbow leaves the library, and explores Ponyville, an expedition which leads to her having a run in with a mysterious stallion, and ends with her heading to the spa to prepare for a date with him... while Twilight gathers her friends, hinting that things are not as they appear with the mysterious 'Silver'...
I need to make a confession; neither the first person, nor the present tense, are forms I am especially fond of, a style which, at times, made reading this a little more difficult than someone else might have found it. That being said, I can appreciate it, and in this case, it works; the reader immediatly sympathises with Rainbow and her predicament, and the things which we take for granted -Ponyville and the mane six- are cast through a disturbing fun-house mirror. It's also written in a fairly stream-of-coniousness style for the most part, a choice which also helps us emphasise with Rainbow's situation.
However...
I have to confess, the writing in this piece is not one of my favorites.
For a start, there are a number of grammatical errors, most especially following dialogue, when dialogue will be punctuated with a full stop, only to be followed by "He said," or similar. Likewise, there are a number of capitalisation errors scattered throughout the story:
“What is the occasion…? I don’t see the others, and miss Rarity comes on tuesday’s and wednesday’s…”
Carrot top
The highlighted words here should both be capitalised for instance. At other points, words are capitalised which shouldn't be:
“Ooh! Ooh! I know! My sister said some ponies Dye their mane!”
There also appears to be a rather odd issue with the second half of the last chapter, where the spacing is suddenly centred... though considering that scene coincides with Dash being exposed to some rather... unusual medicinal substances, that might be a stylistic choice. However, on the whole, I do believe this story would benefit from the author or an editor going through it, and correcting the spelling and grammatical errors.
On a similar note... there were some odd choice of phrases, which I would suggest changing. For example, when Dash is exploring the town, she uses the same phrase and the same amount of detail to describe both Sugar Cube Corner's exterior and the Spa's, right down to pointing out what the sign's say. When Dash wanders around town, she describes everything going on around her- sometimes in repetitive language- in a way which isn't always effective. It does contribute somewhat to her sense of isolation from the herd- but at the same time, it occasionally seem's like details which are being included for a visual medium, or detail for the sake of detail. I think the story would be strengthened by removing some of the extraneous details, and focusing more on Rainbow and how she connects to the world because, as it is, it can sometimes feel as if she is a camera, rather than a pony.
Which is a shame, because I feel like Rainbow should be more interesting than she is. The Rainbow we see in this isn't the Rainbow from the show- at least, not at first glance. She is much less sure of her, filled with doubt about how her friends see her, and an opinion of herself that at times seem's downright self-loathing. It might seem as if she is being "out-of-character", with the excuse of amnesia to justify it... except she isn't. We know that Dash has insecurity issues, from all the way back in season one; fears about her abilities and being "awesome" that she hides behind bravado and athleticism.
The Rainbow Dash we have here is a very raw and naked version of that; without her memories to remind her of how "cool" she is, she's left with the fears and insecurities, the concerns that her friends don't like her or don't think she's cool. It might seem a little extreme- and at times, it can border on overdone- but it's an interpretation of the character which makes sense.
Sadly, I don't feel like that "new Rainbow" is capitalized on enough. While she is exploring Ponyville, she experiences things by being either ashamed or confused about herself, afraid of heights, or observing without commenting on things in relation to herself. This is an interesting opportunity; a chance to explore a stripped down Rainbow, find out what parts of her are "nature" and which are "nurture". Rainbow is filled with the sense her friends are ashamed of her for being different than she was- that's ground which is rife for exploration, but hasn't really been touched on so far (besides some short scenes with Twilight).
Instead, most of Rainbow's inner monologue is concerned with her fear of heights. And while this is an important part of her character -and one which distinguishes her from how she was, and establishes how she's changed to the readers- it amount of time spent on it can, at times, make Rainbow seem like a caricature rather than a character. The most recent chapters have moved away from that a little, by having her attend the spa and a zebra herbalist... but the early chapters do drag a little with Rainbow obsessing over the dangers of a three and a half foot drop.
Funnily enough... while the first person view doesn't quite work for me, the sections told from the third person did. When seen from rainbow's PoV, Twilight seemed... off in some way I can't quite describe- possibly a reasonable reaction, given Pinkie's insinuations that she and Rainbow were a couple before the accident. While I feel like Twilight isn't quite perfect, a lot of that could just be Rainbow's interpretation of her and how she is feeling, rather than how she really is. While I find Rainbow's first person sections rather dry, the third person scenes featuring Rarity or Carrot Top are filled with more dynamic characters and actions, making them much more interesting to read to me.
However... that really isn't the point of this. An amnesia story is, basically, a character piece... and as it is, I just don't have a feel for who the new Rainbow is. I feel sympathy for her, because I like her from the show and she's in a bad situation; I pity her. But I don't really know what she think's about things, or what makes her tick, which is a major downside to this.
There is potential to improve; as I said, I like the idea of a raw (and naked) Rainbow Dash, trying to find her place. While the zebra herbalist might not exactly make sense with show canon, I am curious at what their impact might be- particularly since the chapters surrounding it have been all about Rainbow changing herself, physically and mentally. However, I think that there are also some serious issues which need to be addressed to reach that potential.
The poor capitalization I see so often is primarily why I skip most stories on this site. Is that petty?
3202632
I don't think so; this is a writing site after all.
Of course, I think offering constructive criticism is better than just ignoring it. In this case, it happened enough that I felt it worth mentioning, but its something that can be fixed with an editorial sweep.
(Heck, there are still a few typos and such in my stories which I need to clean up).