Will was an ordinary soldier of the Space Army with an extraordinary secret. He believes that he'd just kill some monsters and get off the planet he and his company were sent to. But it all changes when he chances upon two helpless Pegasus ponies being attacked by a manticore. He suddenly gets drawn into a grand tour of Equestria, the country of ponies, meeting new ponies... and saying goodbye to a few as well. And what happens when he falls for a Pegasus with a yellow coat and pink mane? Conflicting thoughts, emotions, and actions assail Will as he tries to do what he thinks is right... and what this new Pegasus in his life would like.
Cover art is done by x-ego-box on DeviantArt. Go check her stuff out! It's really great!
Chapters (20)
And first chapter done. This is my first fan fiction, so comments are greatly appreciated. Let me know what you guys think, how I can better correct and revise my stories, and give me a few pointers! Trust me, this chapter alone was tough enough. Expanding on a scene to a long enough length from a 3 minute section from a song is really hard.
Goodbye, Boxer.
(+3 cookies if you can get the reference)
Only problem tetanus isn't really deadly anymore the ponies should have the medical tech to treat it antibiotics, bed rest and sedatives
Not bad, but it seems like the characters to an extent seem emotionally hollow.
You just killed off big Mac.
In the first chapter.
Daem, that takes some balls.
Anyway;
Very nice, but every thing seems a bit rushed. I'd sudgest rewriting this and streaching it out a bit via more descriptive words and whatnot.
Thanks for the quick response. As for the tetanus not being deadly, remember that Equestria is what can be compared to 1800s. Candles for light, little or no electricity, etc. Back then it was pretty bad.
For the emotionally hollow part, have any tips? I'm not really understanding what you mean by "hollow."
Remember, New Order, if I had written this as I dreamed it, it would be maybe 2000 words tops. I'm trying my best to expand on 8 minutes worth of song. And on the point of Big Mac, if that rubbed you the wrong way, then maybe this might not be for you.
I do try to have stories that end happily, or at least in a bittersweet way (as this will, don't worry, nothing too bad happens to Fluttershy or the main character), but unfortunately for me, nearly all my stories travel down the path of darkness and death, then take a baselift and get to better times. Just look at the book I'm writing, called Airborne. The main character's brother dies in the first 10 lines of text.
I'll do as best as I can to make the next chapters better, and I may even include a much shorter chapter between chapters 2 and 3 to have an "interlude" of sorts for what happens in Ch. 2.
Thanks again for the feedback guys!
11-15-11 4:40 pm Changelog:
- Spaced out the paragraphs and conversations. That may have had a hand in giving the story a feel of being rushed.
- Added a bit more to the end, fleshing out what was to be a touching scene. This I feel was the part that seemed the most rushed.
I may edit this even more if the majority of the readers still feel like it seems too fast-paced.
And I have decided the course for this story: interludes after each chapter. They may only be 500 words, maybe up to 5000. Not sure. Just to make transitions more... smooth.
32614 we can't really compare equestria to our time periods cause it's so mixed up and we don't have an estimation on there medical tech cause let's face it no one get's serious hurt there was that one episode where twilight was trying to figure out the pinkie sense and was in a pretty modern wheelchair have not watch the cutie pox yet so there might me some insight on it in that episode.
I was going to word this my self but i found a link that explains it better, "If you tell a reader something, the reader has to take your word for it. But if you show it to the reader, then the impact is a lot more powerful." Actually while Re-reading your story it seems like this is more prominent with the ponies than with your own character.
32706 What do you mean?
Why did Big Mac have to die just because he had tetanus? I've never heard of putting down like that before. As far as I know it is survivable.
Second chapter done.
After finishing this one, I decided to scrap the whole "interlude after each chapter" thing. I found that I was writing more or less to my constraints of actual chapters, so you'll probably only see chapters in this story.
Lots more voices in our heads in this one! I tried to distinguish different voices and speeches as best as I could. Normal speeches are set normally, in double quotes. The thoughts of the main character, regardless of whether or not he's "speaking" to his voice or not, are now determined by the single quotes. His voice's speech is denoted by italics. The difference between italics used as emphasis and italics used as the voice are that emphasis will only be on one to three words maximum.
Don't worry guys. Things can only get better from here, right? Right?
36834 Tetanus spreads, and while I guess I could have done more to show time lapse, there was a good deal of time spanning the original infection and the arrival at the hospital. I probably also should have mentioned that Mac couldn't move at all, being locked into place.
Also, remember. At the time of its writing, I hadn't seen Cutie Pox, so I had no knowledge of the supposed "modern wheelchair." Because of this, based off my previous knowledge of the series, placed the setting of Equestria as comparable to the 1800s. Face it, they don't even have steam engines... or coal ones, for that matter. Another thing to note is that these ponies are, quite simply, horses. And when horses in the 1800s (heck, tetanus was a problem for horses in World War 1) were infected with tetanus and thus lost their usefulness, there was no treatment. They had to be put down.
Fluttershy is going emo? WTF?!
Whatever, man. It's your story, after all.
36851
I don't know why it makes you lol, heh. I don't find it all that amusing. Maybe it's some sort of reference I'm not getting...
36875
Maybe it's a failure on my part, but I just now realized that in both parts there are times when Shy seems as if she doesn't hold herself to a very high standard, as if she were depressed (who wouldn't be with only animals to talk to?). I'm not ashamed to admit that my mind (IRL) is not a place most people would like to be. It's full of... certain things. I admit somethings in this story reflect upon me personally. No, I haven't slit my wrists, but I did almost do something involving a knife and my chest.
On a lighter note, no worries. Fatalities are going to be kept in as minimal as possible when possible.
Third chapter done! Hope you guys like it!
Lots of stuff going on, compared to the previous two. Tell me what you guys think!
Ah, good to see you took my advice. Thing is though, why wouldn't Will use his (plot fill element name here) to fix her up like evey other happy story?
Y ur story so real?!
In all seriousness...ness I find you to be improving by the chapter in bounds, easing out details and making the most ballsy FFwriting moves I've ever seen. Big Mac is dead in the first chapter, FlutterShy went goddammed emo and Will is turning out to be a very nicely rounded out character (with wings no less, instantly making him 20% cooler) and you've managed to put fucking space marines into a mlp FF with no noticeable (see; overused) plot points being ripped from halo.
I commend you for your awesome, and I approve of this so far. Keep it up.
39378 That has to be the most amazing comment I've read in my life. Yeah, I noticed that in almost all the "sad/dark" stories, the main character just had like some superpower that instantly made everything better. Maybe I should add the "slice of life" tag, because this isn't some "I coincidentally can fix this whole thing in three seconds because I have superpowers" story. :P
To be honest, I haven't even played Halo xD I mean, I played Multiplayer Combat Evolved (hacked version) at school, but that was it. I haven't even watched any let's plays or anything.
My reasoning for the way things went through is this: Mac died in the first chapter because I wanted something that would draw out an immediate sad/dramatic response from the readers. Fluttershy being the way she is was my take on what she would be like if she weren't affected by the Utopian world the writers at Hasbro have written. She was bullied at school as a filly, and growing up only had her animals to talk to/be with. As far as I know, she didn't even really have parents to confide in. To me, that would create someone with very low self esteem, and low self esteem is a big factor in depressed victims... it is for me...
But I'm happy when I write this story. I'm happy because I get to write what just popped into my head while I was listening to a song. And people are liking it, which makes me happier. And this story is only going to end happily. However, in all its horror, this injury isn't the worst to come, and I'm afraid I might have to change it from "everyone" to "teen", and not for romantic reasons... BUT HAPPEHNESH WILL PREHVAIL!
39378 I forgot to add. I really like Bill's purpose, if I do say so myself. I didn't really explain, even to myself, how Bill could know things (like what was going on around Will) while he was a "voice" in Will's head. That'll all be explained later, I hope.
If not... just accept the for now, the only explanation I have is that Bill is a sentient being.
this plot remembers me of something ... cant recall.
39661 I don't know what it could remind you of, I didn't intentionally take any plot tips from anything I've seen or read.
what happened
40983 I'm sorry. There was supposed to be a comment, but the website went down right before I hit "add comment" and it didn't load. Here is the comment:
Fourth chapter done! Hope you guys like it! There wasn't much story progression in this one, because there was so much dialogue to go through. I didn't cut any out because I was afraid of it detracting from the overall feel of the chapter.
And SURPRISE! Our Will is a troublemaker, and I wonder how he'll survive
I left the chapter off on a cliffhanger because I wanted to add drama and suspense. That, and I wanted to cover up the fact that the story basically advanced like one plot point. Gee, I wonder why Twilight got so angry at Will's confession... 
Feedback, as always, is appreciated.
I unno, the fact that a trained and conditioned soldier is that easily subceptible to crying is kind of strange, but it's a good way to convey the emotions he feels.
Cliffhanger
Dammit why
41214 Cliffhanger because ponies. Literally, this time.
And as to his susceptibility to cry so easily, it is hinted throughout these chapters that not only is he a schizophrenic (Bill), but that there is "a certain part of his brain he would not want let out" that happens to "start breaking down" whenever he's in a very sad situation. Quote from Ch. 4, "...until glass shards ripped themselves into Fluttershy, in which case I'd pick one up and hold it up just above my collarbone- WILL! STOP THAT TRAIN OF THOUGHT, NOW! I hastily complied. Letting go of my control wouldn't help Fluttershy at all." This hints at a certain mental disorder, and there are others before this.
Now, yes. Having him cry so much would be fairly strange, as even I don't cry as much, and Will is practically an exact copy of me (but if I had wings it'd be
). However, Will is having trouble comprehending everything. He's fallen for a pegasus? All these bad things keep happening? He's only been in Equestria for a few days? People are acting hostile towards him? He's in a pretty stressful situation, and that wears down your nerves. And when your nerves are worn, you are much more susceptible to emotional outburts. In this case, because he is, like I am, depressed, his emotional outbursts tend to be in the form of crying. There are some fury rages in this story, but are less common.
Sorry if I am making a much bigger deal of this than it should be, but I felt that I needed to explain it to you, and not in a mean way. Sorry.
Sorry if this chapter feels rushed. I didn't know how to slow it down without detracting from the story, so I left it as is. I tried to fit in as many details as I could, so tell me what you guys think!
And just when things were getting to be alright in the world,
appears! Poor Will. He goes through so much to make one pony happy, and ends up getting his head nearly knocked off.
It was pretty confusing at first, the entire conversation with Bill, but I figured it out.
This is a damn good chapter, no, a damn good story. Keep it up.
42939 I'm sorry, it does kinda get a bit confusing. I try my best to keep it separate, with single quotes for Will and italics for Bill, but then the flashback came along... and, well, it got kinda tough. But I'm glad you like it!
Sixth chapter's story and plot line is all finished. All I need is some plot-related filler, and it'll be released ASAP. And let me tell you, the past five chapters were nothing. Six is a doozy. A real BIG doozy.
Be prepared for lots of
by yours truly, Will.
Okay, so apparently I hadn't noticed any changes in my story. But after looking back to this chapter for some info, it seems that the website move reversed my edits. I've made changes to sentences, like words I hadn't wanted to say, or words that needed expanding. I've also re-spaced the paragraphs. I couldn't remember what I'd added to the end, so I added something I hope will be enough. It isn't what it used to be, but I hope I still get the same kinds of responses.
interesting expression, "her face spoke several volumes of 'oh crap'". this is the kind of creativity i've been looking for in a fanfic. consider me a follower, good sir!
Long chapter, this one, but it was because there was so much to say and so much to do!
I feel pretty proud of this chapter. I feel that it's one of the best, if not the best I've written so far. There's so much going on here, and I feel that I managed to describe and tell it all in enough detail so as to be descriptive, but in concise enough a manner that this chapter didn't become a story on its own.
I really hope you guys like this one. I really feel I did excellent on how I executed this chapter and how I fit in all the details and mannerisms. And did I NOT say this one was going to be a doozy?!
Just woah. So much woah. 
46339 Thank you, kind sir!
DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE!!!!!!!!!!!
Luna is will real mother cool i like that
Continuity Explanation: I plan to fo further into how Luna is who she is later on. Through this, I'll also be giving a fanon reason as to the differences in appearances in S1 Luna and S2 Luna.
And glad 46637 and 46722 like it! You guys expressed just what I was hoping my readers would go for!
Holy
Uh
Um
Shit
She mad bro...
I love this story but I saw the whole Luna is his mother thing coming a million miles away
. Keep up the good writing though!
That was super obvious. Cool story though I can't wait to read more!
47168 47173: I wanted to make hints at it without just outright saying "HEY LOOK I'M YOUR MOTHER!" But I'm glad you guys like it! Thanks for the good "reviews!"
badabingbadabambadaboom.files.wordpress.com/2011/04/z3450_mind-blown.jpg
after they started mentioning his parents as being caretakers i suspected something was up. and, after that last sentence i had to pick my jaw up off the floor. i will keep reading this i hope you update soon.
Edited some words around a bit. Instead of Luna saying "You and I are the only Paracorns for quite away," I now have her saying, "There are only three Paracorns here in Equestria. And Celestia is my sister." A bit of woah for a bit of late, but oh well. I had to change it around to fit something in the next chapter. That's right, it's already under way!
DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!
It doesn't work.
They have unicorns with magical healing spells.
Their medical capabilities are above 21st century med-tech ones.
They have magic to cure diseases that we still don't have cures for.
There is no way they couldn't cure him up and fix his body.
And also Twilight Sparkle has a computerized sensor thingy in her basement too.
She used it to try and research Pinkie Sense.
It had electricity and flashing lights too.
Their tech is up there, they just use magic more than they do tech now.
Also look at this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wj16uWe3nL4 .
03:13.
Does this look like a primitive city?
03:35.
They have electric lights in here.
47796 47806 I consider most if not all the high tech equipment that Ponyville has laying around as outliers. I mean, come on. They don't have coal or steam engines, yet they somehow have a hydroelectric dam? Yes, those are only outliers in my opinion, things that randomly appeared and don't fit with everything else.
And because you didn't really voice your opinion of the story itself, I'm basing it off my own conclusions drawn from your comments and I'm thinking right now that you're nitpicking and not just enjoying the story for what it is (even if there's death and decay at every turn [which won't happen, guys, believe it or not, this story does and will have good/happy parts :D]). And sorry if I'm taking it the wrong way, but it's just how I see it
48246 Actually I think Nightgazer is right about tech level. The filly pointed those things out correctly. And in the last ep. of Season 1, the mane cast fillies were using electric hairdryers in Ponyville there. And let's not forget DJ-PON3 and her electric speakers and turntable. I think what upset Nightgazer, and what I am peeved about here, is that you are trying to pass an 18th century tech level Ponyville off as cannon, when the real cannon Ponyville is higher tech, please fix that. Either bring it up to cannon level, or label it an AU where they are not as advanced in the tech department now.
Futhermore Ponyville is a rural village out in the boondocks area. They could easily get Big Mac to a med facility in a nearby city then. Have a pegagus, or a few pegasi then, carry him to a city with medicine.
Also in season 2 ep. 3 they do have a steam driven locomotive in the opening credits which can be clearly seen when Twilight lands her balloon and she and Spike then land in the town there.
48305 Like I said, this was my interpretation. I never fully understood where the heck everything "high tech" came from. Candles for light, then lightbulbs, then more candles, then a freaking polygraph-esque machine, a hydroelectric dam... that confused me to no end.
And no, I won't be changing the story to have Big Mac carried to a city. That's changing lots of the story. Ain't gonna happen.
And in the opening credits of S2Ep3, the opening credits mean basically nothing. Never in the actual show did they have an actual steam train.
And I guess I can see where you two get the whole "I'm intentionally throwing everything cannon out the window," but that isn't what's happening. I enjoy feedback, but when they seem (to me) to be attacking my reasoning for something that isn't true (I'm NOT throwing their tech out the window, I'm not putting it in because it detracts from the story), I get kinda ticked. And yes, this story IS labeled as an Alternate Universe. In fact, I'm debating on whether to add "Slice of Life" because to me, the canon settings are just too confusing for me. Like I said, Ponyville went from candles to polygraph machines to candles to lightbulbs to candles again to hydroelectric dam. And this is a fan fiction. I don't have to follow canon stuff. I could have FS be a rolling space ball of ice that attracts sexy dust particles with her laser beams made of jelly.
What I'm trying to say is, I'm using my interpretation of the setting of Equestria, with it being comparable to the 1800s, and writing it into my fan fiction. I'm sorry if I sound rude, but I never really said that "my version of Ponyville and its low-tech state is canon." I just don't see why people feel the need to tell me that I'm doing one thing about problem A, when I'm actually doing something else to problem B, then tell me to stop doing stuff to problem B to fix the supposed problem A. Again, I don't mean to sound rude, but as I said at least twice before, my interpretation of Equestria's time setting is comparable to the 1800s (IN MY OPINION) and that that will be the fanon approach. I'm not changing the story because people find it to deviate from canon.
I've edited the content rating of this story to Teen. In my opinion, what goes on in this chapter isn't recommended for all audiences. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong in my judgement, though.
And woah. This chapter. A completely different reason this one is a doozy. I hope you guys are ready.
48305 I realize that my previous comment was harsh and uncalled for. I hope you can forgive me. I guess I flew off the handle. I'm not deleting it, though, because my point, however horribly I conveyed it, still stands. I'm sorry.