For most wizards, mention of a meeting of the Unspeakables would evoke images of a demonic cult or a fraternity initiation. In a shadowy room lit by flickering torch light, a long table would be lined by high-backed chairs, each occupied by a cloaked figure with hood raised to obscure the face. The crowning detail would be magically-altered voices, giving each speaker the bass timbre that lent an air of menace to every word.
In truth, the employees of the Department of Mysteries wasted neither time nor effort on such self-aggrandizing nonsense. Instead, they took advantage of their isolation to maintain a perpetual casual Friday atmosphere. Their main conference room was warmly lit by an unseen source, and the furniture therein was anything but formal. Chairs were scattered throughout the room, and each Unspeakable would pick out whichever one was handy and transfigure it to match their personal tastes. One of the junior members had even insisted on a purple bean bag chair. He had earlier made it as tall as a throne, but after several nasty falls, he settled on a humbler height. Refreshments were always available, with tea and crumpets served on most days. With no outsiders allowed in, there was no need to maintain appearances.
With a meeting in session, the Unspeakables had arranged themselves in a semicircle around the speaker. In the center, Saul Croaker rocked on the back legs of a simple wooden chair as he continued his briefing. "Interviews showed that every one of the exiles was banished for kidnapping with intent to rape. Roughly half admitted to some form of forced sexual contact with their victims. Equestria has sent us the worst of their worst."
Over the muffled sounds of magic fingers, a wizard sitting in an overstuffed recliner said, "That statement is almost laughable when you compare them against our worst. I’d trade the lot of them for some of our ‘upstanding’ citizens, any day of the week. Yes, their crimes are serious, but not one of them seems malicious, uncaring, or unremorseful. Compared to wizards who cast the unforgivable without a second thought, these women are angels.”
“Nonetheless, what is to prevent them from abducting and raping our men?” one of the junior Unspeakables asked.
“While the acts were non-consensual, I got the impression that these women had no interest in demeaning or dominating their victims, the things we normally associate with the word 'rape'. Instead, everyone I interviewed stated that they were desperate to start a family."
“One group wrapped their stallion in a bedsheet and carted him away to have their way with him. How is that not violent and demeaning?” yet another asked.
“I know plenty of blokes who would have paid for the privilege,” the man in the recliner countered. “Speaking of money, every one of them made some mention of wanting to support their man for the rest of his life. Clearly, they aren’t interested in capturing and collecting men; they just want one to call their own.”
“I think you’re understating the severity of their crimes. After all, their former government saw fit to banish them for their misdeeds.”
“Perhaps, but the conditions that led them to their crimes are not present here; our gender ratio is roughly equal. Their country's trash is our treasure.”
“We could hold out for better quality trash.”
“I don’t think any of us here would be willing to send them back to the conditions they escaped,” Heather asserted. “I think most of them will stay in line just to avoid that possibility.”
“It doesn’t feel right to reward them for their wrongdoing.”
“They have taken their lesson to heart; now they just want to settle down and be accepted into society.”
“Says the man who let four of them jump him after knowing them less than an hour.”
“Regardless,” Croaker said, rocking some more, “we desperately need to introduce new blood into our flock. Despite the Wizengamot making disclosure of our birth statistics illegal, you each know that squib births are up fifty-four percent in the last half century, and overall births are down thirty. We cannot sustain ourselves with such numbers. With the pureblood’s power waning earlier than projected, now is the time to act.
“In short,” a woman who had been quiet up until then said, “we need to literally stop looking gift horses in the mouth and work with what we were given.”
“I’m keeping my eyes on them.”
“If I may interrupt for a second,” Heather said, derailing the pending argument, “there is more exceptional news originating from our equine friends. St. Mungo's has informed me that they have a subject who has been successfully cured of lycanthropy.”
“The Equestrians just handed us the cure for our most violent offenders?” The man in the recliner leaned back triumphally. “That alone is reason enough to accept every rapist they can produce for the next century.”
Heather eyed him distastefully before continuing. “Initially, there were some complications, but they have been ironed out.”
“Complications?” Croaker asked.
“Yes, instead of turning into a werewolf last full moon, the subject became a little horse.”
“I hardly think a sore throat counts as a complication,” the most junior member of the department said. “I think most would consider it at worse a minor inconvenience.”
“No.” Heather corrected. “I mean, instead of fangs and a bad attitude, he got hooves and a taste for hay. It lasted well after the moon had set, and they ended up just using an artifact to transfigure him back into a human, with no signs of the disease.”
“Really?”
“Yes.”
“I imagine the hospital staff beat that joke into the ground.”
Heather sighed, “I rather suspect they did.”
Once again, the herd had the last period on Friday free. The faculty had yet to catch on to just how bad of an idea idle hands were for this group. As they wandered the halls back to their dorm, the herd realized there was a small complication in their plans.
“We can’t go to the mall jus’ yet,” Apple Bloom said. “Neville and Sweetie need to stay for detention after classes.”
“I know.” Scootaloo grumbled, “I don’t want to just sit around doing nothing all afternoon. Fay has the main power crystal, so we can’t even play our game until everyone does their homework.”
“Yeah, why do we let her do that?” Lavender asked. “It’s our game.”
“It’s not worth worrying about,” Sweetie said. “We can just get another telly and set it up in one of the trunks; that way everyone is happy.”
“That still leaves us this afternoon with nothing to do,” Ron said.
“We could get our homework out of the way,” Hermione suggested.
“How about not?” Parvati said, “You’re over-enthusiastic about homework sometimes.”
“Got a better idea?” Hermione countered.
“I say we go check out that corridor they were telling us about at the beginning of the year,” Scootaloo answered.
“I don’t like dying,” Neville said. “Remember, they said avoid that hall if you want to avoid dying.”
“It can’t actually be that bad,” Harry said. “Otherwise, they wouldn’t allow it in the school.”
“I’m going to have to agree with Harry on this one,” Ginny said, sliding up to Harry to give him a bump with her hip. “It can’t hurt to give it a quick look.”
“I was thinking of saving that until after the snow fell and we were stuck in the castle,” Sweetie objected.
“What?” Dean said. “And let all the other students have all the fun first?”
“Ah suppose we have time for a quick look-see,” Apple Bloom said. “Lead the way Hermione.”
“You know,” Hermione muttered, “just last month, I’d never would have even considered so blatantly breaking rules.”
“It wasn’t worded as a rule,” Seamus said, “more like a dire warning against bodily harm.”
Madam Pomfrey and fourteen healers from St. Mungo's had appropriated the Main Hall. They were methodically scanning each student present and recording a corresponding medical report. It was a new undertaking for the school, initiated by none other than the Minister himself. Before this, there would actually be students who went their entire stay at Hogwarts without being examined. After today, Pomfrey would have papers on the entire student body.
Luckily, she had done all the first-year Slytherins and Gryffindors earlier. Still, it was crowded with the curtained-off examination stations strategically placed about the room. With all of the other students, as well as all of the school staff, yet to be examined, even that small head start was a welcomed lessening of their workload.
The hallway was quiet -- too quiet. “You know,” Ginny said as she and her herd explored the empty corridor, “I’m actually surprised no one has tried to stop us yet.”
“Yeah,” Harry agreed, “the halls do seem awfully deserted right now, even considering classes are in session.”
“Wanker?” Magah asked, sensing the mischievous atmosphere the foals were giving off.
“We have got to teach her some new words,” Parvati said.
“She said, 'Bloody hell’ last night,” Dean helpfully reminded everyone.
“We need to teach her some new non-swear words,” Parvati amended.
“This door’s locked,” Ron said, testing the next egress in the corridor. “It’s the first one.”
“Jackpot.” Scootaloo bounced with glee.
“Jackpot?” Sweetie raised an eyebrow. “How do you figure? You know we failed at getting our lockpicking cutie marks.”
“One of these days you are going to have to explain exactly what you mean by 'cutie marks',” Hermione said, examining the door, while reaching into her bookbag. “Besides, there is a lock opening spell in our first-year charms book.”
“Can y’all cast it?” Apple Bloom asked.
“Not yet.” Hermione shook her head. “But I have it right here. How hard can it be?”
“You think a first-year charm will open it up?” Ron rattled the doorknob one more time.
“On the bright side,” Ginny said, “anything that is guarded by something that can be countered by a first-year charm can’t be that dangerous.
“Yeah,” Dean agreed, “the professors wouldn’t do something that stupid, now would they.”
It had been a very long day for the Black family, and the end was nowhere in sight. They had gone as a group to St. Mungo's. Once the requisite certifications had been issued, the family went to the Ministry. Sirius conferred with his lawyer, the new Minister, and the head of the DMLE. After taking some drops of veritaserum, he finally was able to give his deposition. All charges against Sirius were dropped with prejudice. With the requisite fanfare, the others celebrated the restoration of his status. He was now legally recognized as the head of House Black.
In his new position, the first thing Sirius did was to reinstate his cousin and her daughter back into the Black family. His next act was to formally recognize and sanction the betrothal of Remus and Narcissa. The two would be legally wed in the coming summer, but that was merely a formality. Every member of the Black family recognized the two as a de facto couple; they just had to wait for the paperwork to catch up with them. Now, all they needed was official recognition of Sirius’s status as Harry’s godfather, and they’d be one large happy family.
The truly unpleasant work, however, was just beginning. The family home had for years been unoccupied, except for the house elf. When Sirius opened the front door, the stench of decay was the least troubling thing he encountered. The house elf had taken it upon himself to reshape the dwelling to his tastes. To call it a pig sty or a rat's nest would have been an unforgivable insult to either creature. Unfortunately, that was nothing compared to what awaited them in the front hall.
“She’s just as vile as I remembered her,” Nissy said, gesturing at the silenced portrait that they were all trying to remove from the wall.
“Wicked niece be respecting elders.” The house elf, Kreacher sneered as he wrung his hands and watched the gathered magical folk attempt to assault the last remaining consciousness of his former mistress.
“Silence, you,” Nissy snapped. “My elders stuck me in a loveless marriage for their own benefit. They deserve none of my respect.”
The elf continued sneering but fell silent as commanded.
“This sticking charm just refuses to come off,” Andi commented after trying to finite the binding one more time.
“I think it’s a permanent charm,” Sirius agreed, poking at the picture with his wand as the woman in it yelled at him silently.
“Well, then just take the wall down,” Nissy suggested.
“Can’t,” Remus said. “It’s a load-bearing wall. Damaging it could bring down the whole house.”
“Silly man,” Andi said gesturing at the wall, “It’s the beams and joists that are load bearing. The wall is just some wooden planks nailed to those beams. They are what the picture is attached to, and they can be replaced.”
“Sounds like a plan.” Sirius grinned fiercely. “Someone transfigure a crowbar while I figure out where to pry.”
Remus felt the accusing eyes on him once more and said, “All right already, you can stop pouting now.”
“Couldn’t you have waited a few days before changing back?” Nyphadora whined with unshed tears glistening in her eyes.
“That got it,” Hermione said, reaching for the door she had just successfully unlocked. “Let’s get this over with before someone catches us.”
“You know,” Dean said, watching the girl peer past the barely-opened door, “you could have been gracious and pretended that one of us managed that spell first.”
Hermione snapped her head back and pulled the door shut. “Let’s go frolic in the Forbidden Forest instead,” she said.
“Can’t.” Apple Bloom shook her head. “We promised Ginny’s dad that we wouldn’t do that 'til after we get our O.W.L.s”
“What’s the problem?” Scootaloo asked, pushing Hermione out of the way. The purple-haired girl repeated Hermione's observation in a fraction of the time.
“That bad?” Harry asked, eyeing the door.
Scootaloo turned to address the bird riding on Sweetie Belle’s shoulder. “Philomena, I’ve got a job for you. We’re going to need Fluttershy for this.”
Professor McGonagall surveyed the controlled chaos that the Main Hall had become and made a startling observation. With a worried frown, she sought out seventh-year prefect. “Miss Dunbar,” she said upon finding her, “have you seen the first-years?”
Fay looked at her head of house and said, “Apparently, Madam Pomfrey did them all earlier after an accident in potions class. They’re probably up in the tower doing whatever they normally do with their free period.”
Looking around again, McGonagall noted that the first-year Slytherins were also missing. Normally, she would have sent one of her prefects, but her instincts screamed at her. She said, “I think I’ll go have a look for myself. There’s no telling what kind of trouble that group could be getting into.”
Fay nodded in agreement and then returned to supervising the younger students.
“Who’s a good doggy? You’re a good doggy! Yes, you are; oh yes, you are. Those meanies had you locked up in here with no room to move around. You just need some loving. You also need some exercise. Well yes you do, oh yes you do. You’ve got some new friends who can help. Be loyal to them and they will be loyal to you. Yes, they will.”
“Merlin, she’s gorgeous.” Seamus gasped.
“I’m pretty sure the dog is male.” Parvati corrected.
“I wasn’t talking about the dog.”
Albus Dumbledore was at his desk, working on some long-neglected paperwork, when he became aware of his deputy making her way up to his office. Without looking up or waiting, he waved the door open so that she could enter. “Ah, Minerva, I have some good news. It appears Mr. Goodman was able to renegotiate his contract and is willing to continue teaching for the rest of the year. We no longer need worry about acquiring a new DADA instructor.”
“Albus,” Minerva snapped, “the stone needs to be removed from the school. It threatens the safety of our students.”
“Nonsense,” Dumbledore said, looking up to see a furious witch staring back at him. “The first obstacle is enchanted to be unable to do any damage to our students while scaring them away. His bark truly is worse than his bite. There is no way any student is making it past him.” He managed a disarming smile with a reassuring twinkle in his left eye.
Minerva growled, “The first years are out front, playing fetch with Fluffy, right this very minute.”
Dumbledore blinked in surprise; none of the portraits had informed him of this anomaly, “How did they manage to get him out of the castle?”
Slamming her palms on the desk, Minerva leaned toward the headmaster. “The buffer between our students and the traps we’ve laid is out front acting like an overgrown puppy and all you can think of asking is how they managed to get him outside?”
With a puff of smoke, Discord appeared before a familiar cottage at the edge of the Everfree and knocked on the door.
“I’m behind you,” a quiet voice spoke up. “I just got back from a quick errand.”
“Ah, Fluttershy,” Discord greeted, grinning widely and offering a floral bouquet, “I have just arrived for our afternoon tea engagement. I even brought some of your favorite flowers.”
“My, they look delicious.” Fluttershy happily eyed the arrangement. “They will go nicely with the cucumber sandwiches I’ve prepared.”
“I only aim to please.” Discord bowed. “Shall we proceed inside?”
“Oh,” Fluttershy said, “we’re not staying here today. You’re taking me over to meet Alice Rutter for tea.”
In his many years of service with the school, Hagrid had learned that the grounds in front of Hogwarts were not the place for his more boisterous friends. After all, they were the first thing that any visitor would see. The first-years had no such inhibitions.
“Bad Fluffy!” Apple Bloom admonished. “Bad dog! Yer supposed to fetch the stick, not the Slytherins. Put 'em down!”
*Thump!*
“Good boy.”
“Woof!” Three heads agreed as a massive tail whipped back and forth in excitement.
“An’ you three quit yer whining. He ain’t hurt you none an’ the slobber stains will come out of yer robes.”
“First a phoenix, then a unicorn,” Daphne snarled watching the aforementioned unicorn cropping up grass not far away, “now this beast. What’s next? Are one of you packing a dragon or something?”
Scootaloo perked up at the thought, “Hey, do you think they’d mind if we brought Spike for a visit? I’m sure he’d get a real kick out of it.”
“I don’t think they’re ready for a dragon.” Sweetie shook her head. “Even if he is just a baby.”
Bell-like laughter echoed in Celestia's private study. The princess could think of no better activity for family bonding.
“Sister, that was not humorous,” Luna said while staring at the object of her ire. Her cutie mark graced its lid, marking it as her own. “We could have broken it.”
“You should have seen the look on your face,” Celestia said, still chortling. “I thought your eyeballs were going to pop right out of their sockets.”
“We have never encountered anything of its ilk outside the realm of nightmares.”
“One doesn’t normally anticipate a piece of furniture trying to take a bite out of one’s flank,” Celestia agreed. “I will have to thank Rarity and her friends for such thoughtful gifts yet again.”
“A pony-eating trunk is a thoughtful gift?”
“They are almost harmless once you bind them to yourself,” Celestia said. “Just wait until you see the inside.”
With a huff, Luna said, “We see thou hast acquired one for Cadence as well.”
“Yes, she should be along shortly for her gift.”
“Hold that thought; we must fetch the popcorn.”
Sweetie Belle and Neville were surprised to see two bushels of potatoes waiting at their workstation when they entered the potions lab for their detention.
“I see you left your phoenix behind yet brought your mother hen,” Professor Snape said from where he stood before the workstations.
“I can’t get her to stop following me,” Sweetie griped. “Besides, I think she wants to get away from Fluffy.”
“Proof that you were where you should not be, ten points from Gryffindor.”
Magah said, "Bay con?"
“He was stuck in a windowless room much too small for him,” Sweetie complained.
“That was not your concern; you shouldn’t have been anywhere near that room to begin with.”
Sweetie pouted while Neville stood silently at her side. Snape eyed them both before sneering and gesturing toward the potatoes.
“As much as I’d love to have you cleaning cauldrons, I think our time would be better spent revisiting the proper ways of preparing ingredients. These potatoes should be suitable for that exercise.”
Neville and Sweetie Belle looked at the large buckets and sighed. Somewhere, Vulcan and Pele were taking bets.
The acoustics in the chamber were incredible. Despite the differences in volume, everyone within could be clearly heard.
“Not funny.” Cadence said, daintily stepping to avoid the popcorn spilt on the floor. Frizzed and sticking out at odd angles, her mane was in complete disarray.
Luna had overturned her bowl and was on her back, weakly kicking her legs as tears streamed from her eyes. Somehow, she was managing to laugh in her Royal Canterlot voice.
Her sister, Celestia, wasn’t in much better shape. All pretense of decorum was abandoned as she lay on her belly and pounded her front hoof on the floor, in time with her own laughter.
“Really,” Cadence groused, “that wasn’t funny.”
The Gryffindor common room somehow seemed much fuller, despite having only three occupants.
“No, you cannot keep him. I don’t care if he is potty trained,” Fay practically shrieked. “So, you can turn back to human and stop giving me those eyes. That’s just plain playing dirty. How did you even manage to get him in here? He’s too big for the doorway.”
“Please.”
“No! He’s taking up half the common room as it is!”
“Minister Lovegood, welcome,” Professor McGonagall said, meeting the official at the grand entrance to the school, a sixth-year prefect at her side. “And Luna as well. I must say that I can see your mother in you.”
“Good afternoon, professor,” Minister Lovegood returned. “I do hope that the headmaster has informed you of our arrangements.”
“Hello,” Luna said brightly.
“Indeed, he has,” McGonagall said. “Though the timing turns out to be a little awkward.”
“How so?”
“I have just been informed that the entire Gryffindor house intends to skip supper in the Great Hall this evening,” Minerva said with a small frown. “This hampers any attempt to do a sorting tonight.”
“The entire house is skipping a meal? How is that possible?”
“They have kitchens in their dorm. I assume they plan on providing for themselves. Regardless, we will have the sorting tomorrow. For tonight, Miss Lovegood here will be welcome in my house. It will give her a chance to get to know her peers.”
In the south orchard of Sweet Apple Acres, Applejack stood next to Rainbow Dash as the two stared in wide-eyed shock, unable to fully comprehend the situation.
“Well,” Rainbow said, shifting her gaze to the letter on Applejack’s hoof, “two things are glaringly obvious at this point.”
“How do y'all figure?” Applejack asked.
“First of all, we need to get an awesome gift for this Fay character. She seems to be in charge of keeping the crusaders out of trouble.”
“Yeah,” Applejack agreed, “an’ two?”
“We need to stop letting the crusaders hang out with Fluttershy; she’s clearly a bad influence on them.”
With a gasp, Applejack said, “Here now, how could y'all say such a thing?”
Rainbow narrowed her eyes and pointed a hoof at the enormous three-headed dog currently playing with Winona. Each time the larger canine licked the smaller, she was lifted bodily off the ground in delight.
Applejack sighed and looked at the roughhousing. “Ah don’t know what’s worse, that you would say such a thing or the fact that Fluttershy's not here to join in the hootenanny.”
Rainbow returned her gaze to the dogs and waited a few seconds before saying, “I have a question.”
“Yeah?”
“Is 'hootenanny' a real word or did you just make it up?” Rainbow huffed. “Because, if you did, you may want to start talking a little less to Lodestone; he’s starting to rub off on you.”
The portrait guarding the entrance swung open and Luna skipped after the prefect into the Gryffindor common room.
“Thank you for showing me the way,” she said. Then, spotting her friend, she waved to the prefect before hurrying over to say hello. “Ginny!”
“Luna! Hi! What are you doing here?” Ginny exclaimed in surprise.
“I’m starting early, just like you.”
“Are you in Gryffindor too?” Ginny asked.
“Professor McGonagall said I would be sorted tomorrow. I get to stay here tonight,” Luna said.
“That’s great! I’m sure you’ll fit right in.”
“It will be fun.” Luna smiled, eyes locked on her friend. “The horn is new,” she noted.
Ginny winked. "You should see what I do with purple people when I'm on my broom. You like?”
“Yes, may I hold you?”
“Sure.”
Applejack stuck her head through the front doorway of the farmhouse. “Big Mac! Ah’m going to need your help walking the dog over to Fluttershy’s!”
The large red stallion ambled out of the kitchen and fixed his sister with a questioning look.
“Y'all will understand once you see,” Applejack answered. “Apple Bloom got a new pet.”
“So, you’ve invited the heads of your school over tonight for a look at the new magic?” Cadence asked, eyeing the remaining shrunken trunks, “Is there any popcorn left?”
“NOPE!”
In the Gryffindor common room, Fay had placed the main crystal back into the box. Since it was Friday, she could afford to reduce the homework requirement; the entire weekend was available to finish it. Her entire body sagged with relief when she realized that she could finally relax as she waited for the promised food.
“Fay?” a voice behind her ventured.
“Oh, hey there,” Fay said to her Hufflepuff counterpart. “What brings you here?”
“The members of my house are outside. They want to watch the telly with your house.”
“That shouldn’t be a problem,” Fay conceded. “I’m sure we can squeeze them in; how many did you bring?”
“All of them.”
What was once a lonely house was finally becoming a home.
“Saul!” Vanilla Lick called out as her stallion exited the fireplace. “Welcome back!”
“Vanilla,” Saul Croaker said, coming over for a kiss, “how’s my sweet lady?”
Vanilla giggled and said, “Mainly bored, but Cumin has dinner ready.”
“Great,” Croaker said, rubbing his hands, “I’m starved.”
“Saul?” Vanilla asked cautiously.
“Yes dear?”
"Did you bring your work home with you?"
"No, why do you ask?"
"There are pieces of a dead body in your icebox."
"What?!"
Trembling Vanilla said, "I think somepony murdered a cow."
“Eeeeeeeee!” several Hufflepuff girls exclaimed in unison.
“Halp!” Dean cried out from his new vantage in the arms of the guests.
“You’re so adorable and pink!”
“I’m fuchsia!”
“I am so glad I’m not pink,” Ron said, standing on his hind hooves and looking over the back of a couch.
“Eeeeeeeee!”
“Now you’ve done it,” Lavender said, making herself as small as possible as she squeezed under that couch. “You had better hope they don’t have any bows handy.”
Percy looked around the first-year boy’s dorm and took in the large number of cardboard boxes awaiting on top of several trunks. A tantalizing mixture of smells met his nostrils. Hermione, Seamus, Apple Bloom, Philomena, and Scootaloo all looked back at him expectantly.
“Of course, I’ll help you get these downstairs,” he said, “but where did you get them in the fir . . .” He cut himself off in mid-sentence and snapped his gaze on the only avian occupant of the room. “Oh.”
Halfway to Fluttershy’s, Rainbow Dash suddenly cried out, “Lookout! A pack of Timberwolves just wandered out of the forest!”
“What?!” Applejack shouted. “That hasn’t happened in years! We need to get the Guard!”
“I’m on it!” Rainbow Dash crouched, ready to take off.
“Growl! Woof! Woooof! Woof!”
“Yipe!”
“Grrrr!”
“Yipe! Yipe! Yipe!”
*Crunch!*
“Yipe! Yipe!”
“Or not,” Rainbow said relaxing her stance.
*Crunch crunch snap!*
“Okay,” Applejack said grudgingly, as she sidestepped a flying piece of wood, “he can stay.”
“Eeyup,” Her brother agreed.
“You’re going to have to build one heck of a doghouse,” Rainbow noted.
Scootaloo put down her load on an empty table and surveyed the packed common room. “We’re going to need more pizza,” she noted.
“Better put one of the meat ones off to the side,” Seamus suggested. “Sweetie will have a fit if she comes back and it's all gone.”
Luna sat on a cushion behind a one-way mirror and levitated a bowl of popcorn over to Cadence. Both had their eyes locked on the distinguished-looking unicorn from the School for Gifted Unicorns.
“Just tap it three times with your horn to make it grow,” Celestia said.
Huh...I can see that Luna Lovegood may be Pinkie Pie's long lost relative, because she calls upon imaginary creatures to understand the world. Much like Pinkie's Pinkie Sensepatent pending calls upon random seizures to predict the future. Rarity will notice a similar look between Luna and Pinkie Pie, possibly thru discord shenanigans 1000+ years ago. That is my thought on the next piece of randomness for this story.
Love the chapter. I was laughing throughout. That Trunk running gag is still going strong, huh?
Loved the update!!♥♥♥
hahahah another great chapter keep up the good work
Every time I see the name Fluffy, all I can think of is the pet dodongo our party had in my last tabletop campaign.
Why can't we like more than once? This is too much fun.
This is truly one of the most satisfying reads I have ever had on this site.
Things escalate really quickly. I don't know if my laugh stock would last when the next chapter is out.
Hilarious chapter.
I kept getting confused which Luna was which, but that really just made it funnier.
This story train has no brakes, nor does it need to.
Yeah, right answer.
I am crying from laughing so
hard
8937792 We need Luna to meet Luna, preferably under a full moon.
“It’s a symbol that magically appears on your flank when you discover your special talent.”
Seriously girls, you’re the CMC, how can you have not explained this yet, it takes two seconds!
Loving this chapter though.
It’d probably be wise to put a “Princess” in front of Luna, for clarity.
This is gold.
EVEN MORE GOLD!
let the un-sorting commence!
This is just great. Thank you so much for another amazing chapter!
Also curse you a great deal! Will hermoine show the CMC her cutie mark already! This has been driving me bonkers since the chapter after she got it! Grrrrr!
Hope that you are proud of your work you almost killed me
Always worth of the wait
Thanks for the chapter
Also, had a thought: doesn’t Fluffy belong to Hagrid? Did Fluttershy and Hagrid have a “chat” about owning animals you can’t take care of properly? Like three-headed dogs and feral dragons, and possibly giant spiders? Because that’s like an animal-whisperer/game warden/veterinarian bitching out a crazy cat lady, and would’ve been amazing to see. They both love animals, but one doesn’t know how to give them what they need.
I just cant get enough of this story and all its zaniness.
The Princesses are having too MUCH fun with their gifts
8937926 Left over from when the CMC were hiding they were ponies and I assume at this point they don't have their cutie marks.. Then add in Hermione being forbidden from discussing it
I love this story so much and your not even done with the first year yet. This is one of the stories that keeps me on this site keep it up!
8938084
We’re only on I think the second week!
8938153
I thought they were only finished the forth week, maybe the first month of September I think? Time in this story is a little funny to read if your not paying attention.
If I wasn’t reading this story at nearly 5 am i’d Be barking with laughter atm, this entire chapter was hilarious. I’m also curious how much longer you’re going to play with the cutie mark joke.
Also, Fluffy!
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It's 4 am here and I'm worried that my family will all think I'm crazy from laughing so much.
Chancellor neighsay gets humiliated in front of his peers maybe? That’s something I would pay to see.
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Don't look like it'll slow down anytime soon.
There's a difference?
Not to harp too heavily on the point, but I normally associate the word rape with non-consensual sex. A lot of this scene feels like that one bit from a Bayformers movie where they put the plot on hold to explain Romeo and Juliet laws.
For Gryffindors, that's practically an invitation.
Given their usual role of guarding underworlds, I wouldn't think cerberoi would need much exercise. Still, I'm hardly an authority on the subject.
It's a legitimate question, especially since Discord is otherwise occupied.
Took me a bit to figure out the context for the "NOPE!", but well played.
This got somewhat disjointed at the end with all the bouncing around, but overall, quite amusing.
8938604
Yeah I felt the same way. I kept thinking to myself "Why is this guy trying so hard to justify rape?". It got especially bad when you had characters saying that there are plenty of men who would be happy to be in that position and maybe I've watched a bit too much Law and Order: SVU but I got a little angry cause if you reverse the genders this conversation would never happen.
Great. More than one Luna.
Those luggage chests are great. It's all too true that Luna would complain until she finds out that she can watch the next victim. It's human nature.
I don't know who Fluffy is. Was he the reason that the corridor was dangerous, was he supposed to be part of the protections to the corridor, or was he what they had sealed in the corridor? Either way, playing fetch with Timberwolves is funny.
Not sure I like the whole Mail-Order Wife thing going on. It's not that funny, and doesn't seem that necessary for the story.
It's starting to turn into a bit of a harem story at this point.
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at least now that loony Luna is part of the story. i actually liked her in the books.
8937926
it will also have a profound affect on hermione.. seeing as she did something bad when hers appeared.
loved this... had me grinning from ear to ear.
also, that bit with fluttershy saying 'and you will take me to alice' ooo... i wanna see THAT
8938728
Fluffy is the Cerberus that they had guarding just inside the door in the forbidden room. In the original timeline, they found it sleeping because someone enchanted a harp to play music, the old "music soothes the savage beast" shtick.
As for the mail-order bride thing, at this point it's kind of lamp-shading the ideals of society. Was what they did wrong? yes. A few people try to defend it, but honestly humans tend to allow women to get away with a lot more, and female on male sexual violence isn't viewed as the same as male on female(that's why a woman cant rape a man, which isn't true in equestria). on the other hand, some of their more upstanding citizens have just been proven to be mass murderers and rapists who then killed their victims. Not just the joe-shmoe, but those who took part in shaping laws. Its more an issue of not really having a soap-box to preach from. Which would be funny if we didn't see it so often IRL.
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I agree it's just kind of weird that he's trying so hard to make rape OK especially when there was no reason to involve rape at all. I can think of a few different ways this plot thread could work without the need to justify rape which is always a touchy subject.
I'm not saying it's a big problem (definitely not as bad as the whole Dumbledore thing) it's just really weird.
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I mainly refer to the fact that there was seemingly no need to make the place massively gender-skewed, or to bring in the sex-crazed females AT ALL. It was somewhat funny because of the guessing made by the council, or the accidental marriage with the CMC, but there actually being something behind that isn't so fun and borders on sad/creepy/disturbing.
Yeah, the sorta-rape thing is bad too. On one hand, it was more like the movie Seven Brides for Seven Brothers (not that one wasn't a massive exercise in stupidity) in that they just wanted an actual husband, but it was also just plain wrong.
Well, this chapter is fun. I wonder what Applejack will feed Fluffy with. I guess hunts in Everfree Forest and Ghastly Gorge will become part of her regular routine. Now there is some issues I have with fic so far.
1) Immigrants from Equestria issue. I get your point. Most of mares only attempted rape. Also they committed this crime because of grander social-demographic issue that is not present in Magical Britain or Britain as whole. They didn't harm any of their victims physically. They fully understood gravity of their crimes and repent, and more than willing to start a new life as law abiding citizens. They suffered punishment, some of the suffered more than prescribed for analogical case by any law, you hardly will see any country advocating decade of slavery or decade of survival in wilderness for male-over-female rape cases. In other words, the already received their punishments, they repent and they have no motivation to repeat their crimes. Also "MLP: FIM" continuously implying that no pony can be sinister by nature, only losing their way, in this case those mares returned on the right track, punishing them more is not justice, it is vindication.
However, in our reality, rapers are rarely remorse their acts, and rape it self usually accompanied by physical and mental torture of victim by rapist. Moreover, human culture (especially in societies that takes their root values in Abrhamic superstitions) has bizarre hypocritical system of values where "sex" is more tabooed topic than "violence". For example, scenes of sex have universally higher age restriction to view than scenes of murder when it comes to works of art. In this society virginity of women and sexual dominance of man are silently implied as some sort of virtue while in healthy world they would not be a concept at all, this system creates are environment of victim-blaming for both gender cases of heterosexual rape, and you should know that now war on victim-blaming is on a rise. With all this things in mind you should understand why so many people are not okay with giving rapist second chance, no matter how repent and punished they already are. Therefore you should better leave this topic alone before receiving more hate. Some comical harem routine with Croacker will be appreciated, but stop focusing on this entire thing, this is too complicated subject to handle in context of entertaining work.
2) Dumbledore. Well, everything that I have to say about this interpretation of character is was already said before in comments here.
3) You seem not understanding when gag dies. The trunk gag died long ago, yet you decided to play with is its corpse. Just stop. The same thing applies to Hermione's cutie mark issue. You stretch some things so much that your entire work is overloaded with unnecessary sub-plot, as result some more interesting things remain out of focus:
List can go on. You seem introduce more topics then you can adequately adress. I understand that the main focus of the story is CMC's shenanigans, but you introduced serious subplot yourself and instead of addressing them simultaneously you are juggling them in air, while focusing on a long dead jokes.
P.S. I really like your work, but you can do better. Sorry for grammar problems, English is my second language.
8939288
I’m not Dogger, so I can’t speak for their reasons, but (in reverse order):
Celestia is probably leaving things alone and/or to Discord because only he (and magical birds like owls and phoenixes, but Philomena is with Sweetie) is able to travel between dimensions. All non-bird travel has had him involved. Also, Celestia has talked with the Ministry. Specifically she’s tasked the DMLE with enforcing a restraining order against Dumbledore. Discord has said that he’s bringing mates over without her knowledge, as his reformed self sees her treatment of them as wrong or dangerous. If I had to guess, Celestia is showing a lack of interest because she can’t go there, they can’t cone to her, and only three ponies (more if the entire herd counts) are there. The government doesn’t get intensely involved with our foreign exchange students past a certain point, why should she?
Twilight’s interest is for the same thing: she can’t go there without Discord, it’s probably curving her enthusiasm, though the girls have said that they have/we’re going to send Twilight books. I’m pretty sure they bought a set for her before the term started.
Alice learned about Fluttershy from Discord, who had been pressured to tell about her by Justice. Since owls can travel dimensions, she probably wrote her. Honestly, I’m waiting for the herd agreement between them and Ms. Bones over Discord. Maybe that’ll be talked about next time.
Snape and Zecora: already done. And even if they hadn’t worked out the potion part like you seem concerned about, they still have to ring as a secondary cure. Potion cures Lycanthropy, ring turns them human and then it’s done. They don’t need more potions or the ring, because there cures humans at that point.
Do we know that Lyra knows? I can’t remember. Maybe this version of her isn’t obsessed with humans?
Because they’re trying to A. Decide if they should allow them to stay or not. B. Are dealing with healing them emotionally and physically first. C. Getting laid.
Because they’re children and don’t think of it like that? Maybe they can’t speak with the wand in their mouths for incantations, or cant perform the gestures required with wings/hooves? Maybe they want to get it down one way before they try it another? Or maybe they’d just rather watch TV.
Who cares I hope Angel killed him. Isn’t he locked in Rat form anyway?
The princesses just got their trunks, it’s their turn to have fun with them, besides, this is only the second time the trunk gag has actually happened. Once with the Mane six and now with the Princesses.
I agree that everything both sides have to say about Dumbledore have been said, for good and bad.
Honestly I’m quite enjoying the herd/rape issue for several reasons. One: the writer has introduced herd dynamics into the story for the girls, we’ve seen Diamond complain about not having a marriage contract as a child, the whole rape situation is the combination of pony societal norms and instincts as seen by the author taken to their logical conclusion for adult ponies. Additionally a story like this, where travel to a more gender balanced land is available, would be the only way other than the scenarios presented in Equestria of resolving the issue.
Two: you mentioned that many see rape as unforgivable. That is actually the current issue in the actual story. Celestia sees it as one of few unforgivable crimes, which is why they were banished in the first place. The unspeakables are hung up on it too, but they’re torn three ways between the belief that rapists are unforgivable, the idea that the ponies’ society is so gender imbalanced that entire groups feel pressured by their biology and the world they live in into thinking of it as a solution, and the fact that their own magical society is so closed off that they need to legitimately consider what they see as the dregs of society as the solution to their own problem of preventing inbreeding between wizard bloodlines from ending wizardry in the UK entirety. They’re in a situation where the least favorable choice is their best hope, and their most favorable choice might doom them all. Because, yes, they could try to hold out for more than the rejects, but the happy ones are least likely to leave their lives while the rejects are practically begging to stay.
Third: “This is too complicated a subject to handle in the context of entertaining work”? Is that a joke? If he wants to write about this she fucking can, that’s the whole point of fiction. The very fact that this story is so polarizing for many people is proof of that. It’s invited a lot of discussion about this stuff. There’s stories on this site about murder, cannibalism, rape, incest, pedophilia and torture that are some of the most widely known works in the whole fandom, but the *idea* of *forgiving* *attempted* rape has you hung up? I’m not saying rape is good, but it’s FICTION. Fiction, Satire and making light of these topics is, in the world at large, one of the few ways of actually addressing topics like this. Harry Potter talks about murder. Lupin is canonically a thinly veiled reference to AIDS victims. Hell, if you want to get into it, Voldemort is an example of the worst outcome of a child of rape. Woman on man rape, no less. Neville’s parents were tortured to insanity. Dementors kiss is the same as the death penalty, the whole book series deals with racism against non-human, discrimination against non-wizards and half bloods. And that’s just one series of books! Meant for children! I mean, what metric are you measuring the idea of forgiving attempted rapists against? Not the books that’s for sure, it would slot right in.
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Much of your point 1 I agree with. This is a very dangerous (socially) subject. I am surprised the author has managed to handle it this well.
Point 2: Not so much. Dumbles is Dumbles and I think he's getting off rather lightly.
Point 3: I thought Tia and Luna and the trunks was hilarious. You think the gag is dead? Not to some of us.
Many of the rest of these points fall under the category of "its only been a few weeks!"
8939904
Transdimensional travel is possible not only by Discords magic. Ponies can manufacture stable portal via Starswirl magical mirrors technology, I sure he left enough notes on how produce these things. I wonder why Celestia do not even consider such possibility, leaving the Discord the only connection between worlds, this is especially true since in canonical MLP timeline at this point he was still an asshole and traitor-to-be. But, I guess maybe I am rushing things.
She does. She was mentioned as human-obsessed by CMC and by Rarity. Twilight had a hysteria when she considered the possibility of Lyra learning about human world. Rarity assigned her as Harry's caretaker in Equestria, since Equestrian law prohibit in-laws be guardians of a minor. Next scene we see in this chapter is Lyra telling Bon Bon that "Rarity allowed as to watch over her pet human!". Dogger fully used "human-obsessed Lyra Heartstring" headcanon, established massive Chehov gun and then never mentioned it again.
I was implying pony way of using magic - through horn for Sweetie Bell and through direct physical contact for Scootaloo and Apple Bloom. But your other arguments are pretty sound, hope Twilight suggest them to train this way.
No he is not locked in rat form. He destroyed timberwolf by turning into human in its mouth, heald his wound with wand and then turned back into rat form, no indication of him being locked in this form, while I was expecting that we have reformation therapy with Fluttershy concluded with Warmtail confessing his crimes in front of court.
Here it is. There is no other significant difference between this two comical action sequences other than participants, what fun in that?
The works that you mentioned have "dark" tag attached to them while suddenly sticking this issue in what first looked like a lighthearted comedy with CMCs in Potterverse, while handling any other issue with comical easiness, look like attempt to mix oil and water. Exploration of serious social topics is invited by me, I just find clumsy to mix this with overall "good kick bad in ass without any effort and cuteness dominates" tone of the rest of the fic. I just merely pointed out that while I agree with Dogger's reasoning for forgiving repent and already punished criminals, some people hold emotional position that some crimes are inherently unforgivable. Even if Dogger will have this mares to confess remorse with veritaserum and they all give Unbreakable Vow not to rape, still will be people preferring to see them brutally murder. This discussion will not go anywhere.
Books where increasing dark tones gradually, introducing sinister and controversial motives by peaces each year, not piling them in first year that had lighthearted atmosphere where troll can be defeated by ramming stick into its nose and three kids can pass traps installed to stop powerful mature and educated wizard.
The rule of thirds. Even if he didn’t, I’d fully expect a third event with the trunk, even if the third attempt was subverted by being different from the other two.
Harry almost died in book one (several times, even), was abused by his aunt, uncle and cousin and he has flashbacks of his parents murder. Ron is beaten unconscious by a giant chess piece and attacked by flying keys. Hermione lights someone on fire. Quirrel DOES die. So does a unicorn. A ghost shows how he was nearly beheaded. These kids are eleven. I mean yea there’s a lot of lighthearted highjinks or things that are dangerous end up being presented as less threatening, but abuse and death run pretty rampant from the word “go”.
I mean sure the more nuanced things like Brainwashing,slavery, racism and classism waits until they’re twelve, where they are accompanied by more death and attempted murder, but come on.
O Celestia this story is just so good.
i need to take a day and re-read the hole thing.
some day that i know my ribs will heart from all the fun times to be had.
Things I am waiting for... The first time Nieville uses his re-vitalized wand. The reaction to Twilight explaining why Dumbledore's age is so funny to her...
AS to Spike I tend to assume he would become a puppy once more transitioning dimensions
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remember that the gender ratio in Equestria is 3:1 in favour of the Mares, that makes kidnapping a Stallion a fairly serious offense under Celestias rule and law. true, rape is still a very serious crime in the human world, but these Mares wont be driven to cart off males with the Human gender ratio closer to 1:1. as for that quip about guys paying good money to be carted off and raped? some men have such fantasies of being captured by a large group of attractive females for the express purpose of having a lot of intimate contact and being waited on hand and foot by said females. remember that most of these Mares formed herds, and it is the duty of Herd Sisters to care for and support their Stallion or Stallions, that was established early in this story.
by the Nine, the Ministry of Magic was even encouraging the emigration of unattached females from Equestria to Magical Britain due the the surplus of females they suspected to being there and needing new (no other word for it, sadly) breeding stock for waning bloodlines. the isolationist mindset of the magical community was starting to have a negative effect that was easily measurable as illustrated in this very chapter, so these immigrant Mares r not only welcomed, they're desperately needed to revitalize the gene pool. even looking at the Cannon in the books, virtually every so called Pureblood wizard was related, by blood, to every other Pureblood wizard due to families wanting to KEEP being Pureblood with no 'Muggle contamination'. so while, yes, rape is a crime, ironically its also exactly what the wizards of Magical Britain need.
logically speaking, SJWs dont have a leg to stand on here, as this logic is undeniable...
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To put in my two bits, I believe Dogger has done a very good job with this. This story has included in it the following.
Rape (Death Eaters and Equestrian Exiles)
Human Trafficking (Death Eater Practices and Equestrian Exiles)
Political Corruption (Death Eaters, the Wizengammot, and an argument could be made for Canterlot Nobility)
Secret Societies (Death Eaters, Equestria, and loosely The Department of Mysteries)
Polyandry (Herd Relationships)
Stalkers (The Ancient Evil that is now Chucky)
Exiles due to Disease (Werewolves)
Political Upheaval (Cleaning of the Wizengammot)
Rebellion against the Government (Umbridge and the Death Eaters)
Immigrants (Fizzlepop Berrytwist and Friends, Myrtles Family)
Miss-use of Power (Dumbledore, Most of Wizarding Politicians)
Relationships (Discord, Sirius, Remus) (I only named the men to save space)
I could go on, but I feel this many have made a decent enough point. I barely noticed half of them when I was reading, and that's what's so good about this. It doesn't beat us over the head with heavy symbolism, nor does it treat anything like it was less then it is. The characters however don't just sit around and let problems continue. This is the reason so few of the issues I listed are still persisting. Because the Equestrian characters don't put up with problems, and the Harry Potter characters are catching on to their success.
I understand being upset with the author for putting in delicate topics, but remember that he's letting the characters treat them right. We've all heard joking about Male rape before, and it's something that happens. The fact we don't like it is irrelevant to the behavior of people. Some things are going to be said by the ignorant, scared, afraid, or complacent. I'm glad we care so much about this, even in a fictional medium. Lets not persecute those of us who may share that belief.
TL:DR
Let's stop this arguing, agree that Rape is bad, but understand that outside of the joking of a few characters in the story that's not actually happening. Having fun reading good silly stories is why we're all here after all.
Book drunk. I've run out of words, but am still stuck in the story.
Well, the original books show little concern about underage kids buying and using "love potions" / rape in a bottle on each other, and we've been presented with a government and legal system so archaic that it allows blood feuds and claims of "conquest" - eliminating the head of a household to claim his position in the government and the rest of his or her household as semi-slaves (except, perhaps, for the eldest son, who has "last of house" privileges - such as getting an arraigned marriage). I'm not sure why THAT wasn't considered considerably more outrageous.
Looking at the wizards current social structure, having people raised in such a system showing concern over a much gentler version of Bride Kidnapping (see Wikipedia; it's still widespread) with reversed gender roles and no apparent social stigmata attached to the victim is downright enlightened.
The lack of concern might also have to do with the victims classically having to be allowed to retain their wands to function in the "wizarding world". There is probably a distinction in the dynamic between "I've been kidnapped!" and "I've been kidnapped and my captors have let me keep my cell phone and my loaded gun".
After all, judging by what summoning demons was supposed to get you in the medieval grimoires I've read, quite a lot of men have felt that "an easy life with a harem of women who want to care for you and bear your children" was well worth gambling their soul for - and it seems to remain a common male fantasy judging by the porn industry. The reversed version was never as popular with women though. There are sound reasons in evolutionary biology for that, but that's way too much to get into in a comment.
8951204
For what it's worth, I don't have a problem with the unspeakables defending the ponies in theory; there are a number of reasons why, yes, those ponies are deserving of more forgiveness than what we commonly think of for a rapist.
What made me uncomfortable with that section is that the reasons given were (mostly) bad ones. That it wasn't about demeaning or dominating is only partially true and wouldn't, for good reason, get any mercy for a rapist in our world. Same for only wanting one target to force themselves on instead of multiple. Or that they seemed remorseful for their crimes (even though at least one we got the PoV of wasn't). And the main defense they use seems to basically boil down to "it's different because they're women" which is both messed up and would apply less to wizards (who seem to have a great deal more gender equality) and not at all to Equestrians (who seem to have at least partially flipped gender roles). Two good reasons do get brought up - that they have no real need to repeat the crime when they'll have plenty of willing partners and that most of them have already "done their time" as it were, but those are more the exception.
So even as much as I agree that there are extenuating circumstances for these individuals, the fact that the discussion was coming up with a lot of generic "Rapists aren't so bad/boys will be boys" talking points instead of all the proper reasons was deeply uncomfortable. Which, I mean, I don't want to bite off Dogger's head about; some of the unspeakables clearly disagreed/were as uncomfortable about the subject as I was, which is a good sign it wasn't supposed to be words of the author or anything. But it was still an uncomfortable scene.
8956910
Yeah I gotta agree with this. There was too much time spent trying to justify the crimes and explaining why it wasn't such a big deal. I'd rather the mares be condemned for what they did wrong while understanding that the Wizards aren't really in a position to be picky and that regardless of the crimes it most likely won't be an issue in the future.