Max works in a bar, hidden away from the views of the highly sophisticated and posh citizens of Canterlot City. Being human doesn't help improve his bar's reputation. But one day he'll learn that, if you stay in a certain place long enough, there will be ponies curious enough to trot through the door.
The bar's motto is "To mix drinks and change lives!"
Heavily inspired by the game VA-11 HALL-A
Rated Teen because reasons
Character Tags or "Regulars" will be added as story progresses
Featured on 16/05/2017 (Wow!)
Chapters (2)
That was unexpected. Moar. More.
Interesting
Cute, fairly technically sound. I'd cut down on the caps lock a bit, but otherwise I'd like to see where this goes.
I like
Luna will have to pay for that door.
Fascinating.
Ease up on Luna, she isn't so high and mighty as to call somepony a peasant like a stereotypical noble, but the story is still a good read.
8165447 In her mind she probably means it more in line with citizen, then, say, Pee-on.
More edits and comments to come in a bit.
Lose the comma
*that (instead of "which")
Salty has serious nerve problems
Haven't bought the game yet, is it any good?
or something Luna related. Artemis' Lodge or the like.
They are going to name the bar Vall Halla, ain't them?
"Ey yo, princess baby! Sorry for the wait, Salty was freaking about what to name our bar. Wanna help us find one? Have a drink and let's think!"
Boom. Problem solved.
I fucking died at "HOW DARE YOU MAKE ME WAIT, PEASANTS! I AM THE PRINCESS OF THE NIGHT! AND I DEMAND TO BE SEATED AT ONCE!"
The dynamic between Salty and Max is beautifully done. The casual hints at the backstory also adds a nice dynamic. I'll have to give the story a watch.
I do have two criticisms, however. First, as Lightbuster30 mentioned, Luna seems off. Lighten up with her a bit. Second, keep an eye on your past and present tenses. You've written most of this in past tense, but tend to let present tense slip in on occasion.
Even if Luna wouldn't say peasants, she is still going to complain about where the hell is her Ale. You don't make a medieval warrior wait for Ale! GET HER THE WHOLE BARREL!
Human you must get princess Luna drunk! The fate of equestria rests on it!
Now lets see here... (pulls out list)
Off the beaten path (no stuck up nobles)... check
Darkish alleyway entrance... check.
Old world feel, meaning lots of dark wood and brass, and no thumping/earsplitting music... check.
Non-(Earth, Pegasus, or Unicorn)-pony bartender... check.
A friendly down to earth atmosphere... check.
Lots of cool drinks that you won't find anywhere else... check.
Holy mother of... you have all the earmarks of a cop-bar, a hangout for off-duty police to relax and unwind... or in this case, The Royal fucking Guards.
I like this! Good job.
Though...as others have said, ease up on Princess Luna a bit. She's mellowed out quite a lot in the show since she first was introduced.
Unless you intend to set your story earlier in which Princess Luna was much more prone to shouting, then that's fine.
8165993
All they need now is one Librarian Orangutan!
This could be quite good.
Damn it Salty! Lol you could've just welcomed her, distracted her with human booze then used that time to come up with a name lol loving this so far.
When you don't let princess luna in
8166459 this fits better
#1: MOAR!!!
#2: PLEASE! MOAR!!!!
#3: I am typically weary of stories with Humans in them, but this? This was GREAT! My faith in this story was rewarded with a most pleasant and entertaining reading experience.
#4 WHY IS THERE NOT MOAR?! T_________________T
8166058 I dunno, I think this is rather fitting.
Remember: She just had a door slammed in her face, PLUS she was kept waiting for OVER a minute!! I mean she had to LITERALLY break down the door, despite them knowing she was coming. I'd be rather pissed off too if I was Luna. Plus an angry Luna, as we have seen, is more likely to slip into Old Equestrian
Opening a Door... Royal Canterlot style!
Hm, I'm liking what I'm seeing so far, although it's a bit early to say anything for certain. Salty seems interesting so far and I'm liking her interactions with Max, although he could use a bit more development in the next chapter. I'm also liking the fact that you seem to be setting this in the late season 1/early season 2 timeframe based on Luna's characterization since most authors these days seem obsessed with using the current point in the timeline even when their stories would work much better earlier, so seeing you avoid this trap is a definite plus.
That said, I think you should get yourself an editor since I definitely spotted a number of minor errors as I was reading through this. It wasn't bad enough to make it unreadable, but it was distracting in a few places.
oh my god ahahahaaha
Gotta read this man
I can't tell if this story is in a world with a permanent, often used way between worlds, or one where this human is the only one here. The descriptions kind of go back and forth...
Nice, I have waited for a nice bartender story. Gonna enjoy thi-
NO.
NO. NO. NO!
GOD DAMN FUCK MOTHERING ASS TACO PISS HOLE NO
NOOOOOOOOO
Please, in the name of all the gods I implore you to be away with this AWFUL CANCER writing. Leave it in the the a full corner of the subpar cooking Light Novel where it belongs.
People NEVER talk like this unless they are a TV food critic and even then they don't deliver it is such a ASININE tone. You can have them think of it in their heads but no one EVER would say something like this. They make a short two adjective comment like "Oh it's minty and smooth" or something like such.
Please by the love of all the gods NEVER do that again.
Greetings folks! First up I wanna say THANK YOU all for the support for this story! When I published this piece I was NOT expecting for this to do so well! (Even got featured! Yay!) I just sorta wrote this because I've always wanted to create something that feels more casual, more of a relaxed tone of writing, if that makes any sense. But anyway, thank you all once again for this amazing support thus far, and hopefully you will stay with me as this story goes forward!
Now, on to more serious things. The comments and feedback you guys had left me really taught me a lot of things, in fact, it helps me to take note on certain areas on which I need to focus/improve on. I will attempt to address this as follow:
To: 8165695 8166702 and others I may have missed out on.
I humbly apologize if my writing is terrible. (Trust me, I know) I've always struggled with the past and present tense thingy, (English is so complicated, no?) and of course, my writing isn't exactly top class. I really appreciate you guys pointing out on my errors and areas on which I need to work on. Hopefully, in the future chapters, that will be some improvement to my writing skills, for I want to make sure you all can enjoy this as much as I enjoy writing this story!
But please! Let me know if any of you spotted some mistakes and please don't be shy to point it out to me! I want to make this story enjoyable for everyone! I need all the help I can get. (Like, seriously)
Next up, I know that some people are not entirely satisfied with how the story is progressing thus far, and some have already voiced out their disagreement on how I tackle certain areas. I won't try to argue with you about this, in fact, they really teach me a lot on how the writing flow normally goes, and what puddles and holes one must avoid when attempting to write a proper story.
However, I must try to at least defend my story. First of all, I can't satisfy everyone's need and wants in this story. I write because I enjoy writing, and writing allows me to create stories and realize ideas that have been buried deep within my mind. I just want to do what I enjoy doing and share it with the world, to you, the reader.
But, don't take this the wrong way, your comments and feedback help ME improve as a writer, and that is one thing I will always appreciate regardless of how tactless/hurtful it may sound. All I hope, is that you can enjoy the story, but know that, just like in life, some things just won't go the way you want it to be.
Sorry, for the long rant. THANK YOU all once again! Now working on the next chapter!
This was shaping up to be an interesting story, engaging characters, intriguing set-up, and then you killed it with the last few sentences.
I refuse to believe anybody stupid enough not to come up with a name for the bar they've set up and worse still slam the door in Princess Luna's face could exist as they have already died from forgetting how to breathe. I know it's for rule of funny, but the size of idiot ball that would require just bounces me right out of the story.
I was willing to give it a bye for not setting up more background (how is Max in Equestria, how did he meet Salt Shaker, etc) as it's obvious that could be expanded on in the next few chapters. I liked the cocktail making scene, it give something of a Yakitate Japan feel to it, but I'm afraid that last part just sucked all the interest out of this story for me.
Otherwise, good effort.
8167331 I agree it's a very unnatural way to answer
8167399 just want to say that if mine were one of the comments that were... less than kind, let me reiterate.
That was more a rant on that style of writing in general and the fact that you used it rather than your ability to write. You write well and the humor is pretty well executed. Don't worry about that. Given that so many others use it (something I can't for the life of me get my head around) it isn't an unreasonable assumption that it works.
It could be that I'm the only one who dislikes this sort of exchange but I think that the dialog is unrealistic and breakers the immersion.
As a lover of VA-11 HA11A this has my interest and my attentions, please do continue
So is this gonna get another chapter? I'm really liking Max's interactions with Salt Shaker, and I feel like you left this chapter on a cliffhanger.
this is certainly interesting to say the least. good job.
Found a mistake: "My first drink from the human world and it taste so good!
*tastes
This could become a very interesting story, particularly in my mind if it just follows Max and Salt Shaker running the bar, hearing and telling stories, that sort of slice of life style.
I think a lot is going to need to be introduced in terms of backstory: there's a lot of stuff to explain, most notably the history of Salt Shaker and Max, and how humans are connected to Equestria. But that can all happen with a little time.
8167331 While this may be a slightly harsh expression of the opinion, I completely agree that real people (and therefore real characters) do not talk like this. It really is just terrible, particularly while contrasted to the relatively nice writing otherwise.
I disagree with the idea that you'd have to be incredibly stupid to keep a princess waiting. While I get that it's not a good idea, nerves have made better people do far worse.
However, on the subject, I find it a bit far-fetched that Luna herself is showing up to this new and as-of-yet unnamed establishment. I won't pass judgement on this until you explain it (or don't) next chapter, but it just seems a bit early for that kind of thing.
On the whole, I think this is a story with potential. But please, above all else, get thee an editor, stat. Seriously, the thing that's killing this story more than anything right now is the way the writing is just not quite on par with the feel of the fic.
So far, good effort and hopefully good idea, I'd like to see you whip this one into something good
So an equestrian Princess walked into a bar and Max said "Hey princess. Why the long face?"
Feed me MOAR
Definitely going to give this a read if for no other reason than I love VA-11 HALL-A.
Oh my GOSH! )))) This looks sooo fun and so promising!!! ) Keep it rolling! )) And thanks a lot )
8167331 I beg to differ. I tend to visit chinese teahouse on a regular basis and during tasting sessions often hear (or say myself) something like "this tea has a deep walnut and cellar taste and smoky aroma. By third or fourth brewing the taste gets smoother,unravelling slight honey accent etc". If you are a fan (and connoiseur) of good wine (or any decent aclohol) or good tea or good food you tend to express your impressions in a rather poetic an complex way.
Well, this certainly has my attention. You've portrayed the characters well, and made the Max/Salt shaker friendship dynamic feel natural. I do agree with a couple of comments down below saying the whole critique spiel Salt Shaker gave was bad. Flowery speech such as that should only be used by professional critics or people who are very critical with their drink, and Salt Shaker is neither. It might work for princess Luna, but again, she'd have to be very critical of her drink. Other than that, good job and cant wait for next chapter.
Which timeframe is this Luna? Pre banishment? Post? How close are we so I can gage her personality. I'd be ok with a bitchy royal Luna from the past. Her only place of refuge in the night, only to succumb to the nightmare or something.
Wonderful story so far. The relationship/friendship between Salt and Max feels natural, and that's certainly a plus. Luna feels like she's most likely recently returned from banishment. That'd be my guess since we are in Canterlot. I'm looking forward toward a Cheers like comedy, so you have my attention. And of course... Here's hoping that this can make its way into the story at some point.
I think i've got the perfect theme for this
if you people are way in to the hole how to mix a drink or whats in a drink, you might like the manga Bartender often the author alos like to write some history of the drinks in to the story.
in any case i'll add this story and see where it goes
8169908 It usually just sounds pretentious.
8171238 Well, I mean, they kinda said they'd let her in, then opened the door, then slammed it in her face, then didn't listen to her knocking, so... They kind of had it coming?