This is the tale of a Keyblade Wielder from Okoto, he had constructed a means of travel to other universes and all had been as normal until a world cried out. Chaos has been unleashed and now threatens to summon The Darkness to it. This world of Light and Harmony shall gain a new guardian. Will he succeed in his quest and be able to protect this world or will he fail and let Darkness consume it?
What even
What even
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I used the Episodes as my platform. Too much?
Well. This was... interesting.
The grammar. It's so painful that I feel like I'm reading a badly translated manga. Just, you know, without the pictures to help me make sense of things.
I suppose I should preface this by saying this initial statement is before I've even read the story, but it is something so obvious that I feel like I need to point it out now, if only to save you some trouble. Until I say so, this segment is based on the description, and how it looks for a prospective reader, so bear with me.
1) The subject is over used. Keyblade OC comes to Ponyville (and I would like to point out that there is a lack of a human tag, so... score a point for not doing an HiE)
2) The cover art is a keyblade. Those are a dime for two dozen. Little tip: Unless you are an exceptional writer, keep the word "keyblade" out of the story.
3) Little tip from me to you: write a couple one-shots before jumping head first into a long, drawn out story. It'll help you improve your writing, get you a small group of followers (if you're good/lucky), and will help you improve much more than a single long story will. Trust me, I made that mistake.
4) I notice a distinct lack of editor/proof reader mentions, meaning I must assume you had none, which is never good. This site is full of groups willing to help. Heck, if you offer to edit someone's story, after a while, you can ask them to edit yours and form an actual bond with another person.
Anyways, those are just things prior to me actually reading and trying to help, so let me go from there and into the description.
I refer to my Keyblade comment from before. Also, why is there two spaces between Keyblade and Wielder?
Small tip, when writing, use the active voice, not the passive. In this case, "he constructed" over "he had constructed". Just makes it better, and again, another double space. Also "had been as normal" is awkward phrasing.
So... Discord and... what the hell is "The Darkness"? Is it a kingdom hearts thing? If so, it turns away new people like myself who haven't played kingdom hearts.
Nothing too bad here, just the double space is really disorienting.
Personally, I'm not a fan of ending the description of a story with a question. The best of those are mediocre at best, and the best ones are just statements.
For example,
sounds much cooler than
Overall, this description has told me nothing about the story itself. Is it about the invasion of a nation? Is it about Nightmare Moon's return? Is it based around a group of skilled mages in the capital? It could be, but I wouldn't know any of it thanks to this description. It's the first thing I've read and it's told me the basis of a character, and a possible conflict, but nothing substantial.
I will try to go through each chapter now and point out everything I can, so consider this the first installment.
Alright, chapter one, let's do this. Hang on... hang on, something's wrong here!
What is this? This is more informative than the actual description... and still has the double spaces. Tells us that the OC is a bionicle (who's also a keyblade user? Uh, alright. Also, I don't think Keyblader is a word.). Also confirms my theory that the villain would be Discord, which is overused. Not the Hero already eviscerated it, so I won't do anymore than point it out.
Huh... that's a lot for a single sentence. Let's unpack it. You started with a description of action, and not a weather report, so you get at least one point. Still have the double spaces (that's gonna be a problem, isn't it?). A lot of names I don't know *Okoto, Toa, City of the Mask Makers, Prophecy of Light, etc. I'm sure someone knows what this means.)
"was running"? No, the child "ran". Active, not passive.
A platoon is 80, and giving a number isn't nearly as intimidating. Just use "a platoon". Also, don't add that the automatic blaster had six barrels, just say, "armed with bows and spears with blasters attached near the base."
Uh... where's the verb? I'm not joking, I know "called" is a verb, but it's not part of the main sentence. You're missing one of the things that makes a sentence a sentence here, and an editor would have picked this out.
Uh, thanks, buddy, but this is the wrong place for this. He's currently running for his life from a platoon of skeleton bandits, now's not the time for exposition! Also, don't use parenthesis in a story. It never goes well.
No idea who "tahu" is, but whatever. Get back to the action and not this exposition.
Or... more exposition. That works too.
This is a brave use of a semicolon... and not one that was needed, but not bad. I would have split it into two sentences, something like,
"Tunua rounded a corner, directly into a dead-end alley. Turning back to the skeletons, he braced himself for the worst."
Uh... They're in an alley. Lightning comes from the sky... and Thunder is the noise itself, and can't be in a bolt form. I think you mean lightning bolt... and even that doesn't make sense.
You could have really expanded on this, making them run through the stunned skeletons, through the burning streets, until they arrived to the Forge, not just saying "and now we're somewhere else and the tension is broken."
And only the protectors, because bionicle racism... or something? I don't get it, don't you mean "where the remaining families were gathered" and not just "where the warrior caste's families were gathered"?
You could show rather than tell, like, "asked Narmoto, his eyes scanning the boy for any signs of damage." or something, not just saying "he's worried".
Semicolon to period, capitalize the T, and erase the period after "there" and put in a comma.
Now you notice? seems a bit weird. Also, "said"? You did it the right way twice and fail on the third? I would remove "said" and turn the sentence afterwards into its own sentence, such as bringing up a hand to the mask.
"barely intact"? You mean "broken"?
Thank God the story didn't tell us, and, instead, the narrator did. Do you know how much better it would have been to see all this? Starting the story at the arena, and then BOOM! raiders in the house killing people!
You know, these names are just downright confusing. That's one scratch against ya'.
Stop using semicolons! I'm sorry to say it, but I would ban you from using them for a year. Also, comma at the end, not period.
I have no idea what any of this is... you see the problem now, yes? I don't know bionicle, and can easily be lost. And before you say, "This story isn't for you!" your the author. I can point you to a recent story by Ponibus that, despite me never reading the complementary universe stories, I could understand.
HELLO RANDOM EXPOSITION! Jesus christ, who the hell is Blaze? This is our introduction of him, and it's just thrown in our face as exposition. Bad, bad author!
Okay... thanks for the description, I guess?
Oh, alright, a nice hobby... thanks for the exposition, again.
Alright, seriously buddy, this is too much exposition for someone we... no, wait, it's too much exposition for any first chapter.
What? Why do we need to know this? Providing numbers doesn't help... also, meters? interesting choice.
Oh... .Oh, okay, so Blaze is the main OC... SO WHO THE HELL WERE WE JUST FOLLOWING?!
Why should I care?! There's a raid on the city going on, and people are dying! Why are we here discussing weapon's looks?!
Uh... what? Star's core? Huh? What the hell are you talking about? THe SuperNova? Those are literally only a few seconds long, and he was knocked unconscious!
Uh... huh...? I don't know what's going on anymore, did the star explode into a keyblade, or did the star explode giving him a keyblade or both?
Ah, yes, "I was just given a weird weapon from the heavens after a star literally exploded... welp, back to the daily grind!"
*reads sentence again* That's what's on your mind? What the hell does that have to do with anything? And why instantly keyblade? It's honestly more of a key-axe, as blades are usually sharp all the way down, and the keyblade is sharp only on one end so... yeah... a smith would know this.
Um... I'm sorry, can we get back to the actual important stuff, like Not exposition. Please?
More exposition and now actually showing, it's mah favorite.
Uh... alright? So... what happened everywhere else?
Run on sentences, also my favorites. So, let's break it down.
Part 1: Bad attempt at a joke.
Part 2: REMOVE THE SEMI COLON! Periods didn't murder your families, you'll be fine if you touch it.
Part 3: So... he's in Equestria now? Huh?
Alright, hang on, let me stop you here... where the hell did the rest of the story go? You know, the interesting bits with the flaming city and probably dying child?
I didn't read this. It's too big, and its sentences literally run together to the point of not being readable. "he did this. They did that. This happened." Where's the spice of life?! Where's the interesting bits? Also, I suppose I should mention it here... What is up with the name "blaze"? All the other bionicles have random letter names that I don't get, but then "Blaze"? A distinctly human word? What the hell?
I love it when weeks pass without anything actually happening to further the story.
And I just cut out the rest of the story for one simple reason... There's no MLP. There's a ton of OC stuff, and just long description of events and blah blah blah! There's nothing interesting happening, it's just a giant exposition dump with nothing interesting happening. I will likely change the format for the rest of the chapters, just so I can retain my sanity rather than comment on the same thing (Too long of paragraphs that are just exposition dumps over and over again).
Well, onward to the *actual* chapter 1, apparently. Alright, sure.
Oh, you know, I hate it when people attack when I'm in a good mood. Seeing friends and children die just ruins the whole week, y'know? Yeah, Blaze just moved to the unlikable camp (rather than the neutral camp)
More mumbo-jumbo about the teleportation sequence, a "vision" that doesn't make a whole lot of sense, and the actual protectors seem to really, really trust this new guy. Even though he's just a blacksmith's apprentice, and not a trained soldier. But they seem to really trust him to save a planet. Sure. Why not.
Ah, yes, Always Chocolate milk, never something original, because, Discord, the embodiment of chaos, is just too uncreative.
You changed tense. Keep present tense or past tense, stop flipping between them. Also, just copying from the show adds nothing to your fic unless it's for a very real purpose.
Besides the absolutely murdered Grammar here... "Blazewing Inferno". For a Bionicle, he sure knows how to name himself distinctly pony related. Also, I'm sorry, but did you just put in an OC that is the same name as your actual FimFiction username? No. Don't do that. EVER. That is the #1 telltale mark of a self-insert, in case it wasn't already assumed, and self inserts are universally bad. It leaves a bad taste in the readers mouth, and not one I would ever, EVER want to taste.
As for the rest of it (I admit, I skimmed through it), it seems the standard, "New OC gonna save the world 'cause the main cast just can't handle it!" Now excuse me while I yawn. This story is a dime per hundred, and isn't unique in any way. I can't even bother mustering hate for it, as it's incapable of being good enough to hate, like some of the popular stories of its genre.
Look, I'm gonna tell you this right now, as it's just my advice. I know it's not gonna be easy to hear, but you need to hear it. This story needs to be abandoned. You will gain nothing from writing it. It's a crossover with a tired premise, and a plot that is completely standard. You need to get a few stories under your belt before writing a long story, and the best thing you could do would be to put this on "cancelled" and think of a quick one-shot. If you want, I'll edit it and help you learn from the mistakes, but this story is not salvageable.
Anyways, this part is done, I'll continue going through this another time should you desire.
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Umm, may I ask what in the name of Mata Nui you're doing? I'm a bit unsettled that you are practically copying and pasting what I wrote into the comments you write.
(After I had read the comment) Wow, thanks for being honest. I'll keep your thoughts and concerns in mind and hope to speak with you later on regarding this.
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It's pointing out what in the story drove me to say what I did. It's basically an attempt to give context on what I'm talking about, or to give an example. For example, in one comment,
It shows you the sentence, and then I, afterwards, say what a problem is. However, the second reason for me doing it is to make it easier on me. Instead of scrolling up and down, keeping my place, and only taking what I need, I can copy-paste the story in a comment, and just go through it here, where I can gather my thoughts in the same place I'm writing. Would you prefer I not do this in the future?
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I'm sorry, I didn't exactly have much in my mind when trying to find an editor mainly because I was worried it would either cause problems or cost money to hire. I was merely confused at your method of review and criticism. If it isn't too much to ask, do you know anyone willing to help me revise this story?
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Cost money? If someone is asking for money just for editing Fanfiction, they are scum. There are plenty of groups you can post in to get help, as for this story... well, I've said my peace about it.
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Personally, I don't want to abandon it. You don't just throw away a lego set if you do it wrong; you look at what's wrong and try to fix it.
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Fair point, but trying to build a lego set out of straws and glue isn't going to get it going either. A story on a fanfiction site needs a strong foundation.
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and that's where edits, revisions and help from writers that know what they are doing comes into play. I know I suck at writing and I want to enjoy this craft and write good stories. I posted this as a way to start out. And from your comments, I can say that I am getting some helpful criticism.
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Welp, I wish you luck. If ya need help with another story, feel free to message me.
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Thanks, I'll keep that in mind. And thank you for your comments. If you know anyone willing to help me edit and revise this, I would greatly appreciate it.
Hello there!
So as said, I started today.
First impression: I was very confused.
I know this is your first try and, as per usual, it takes a lot of practice to find the way to communicate what's in the mind to the readers.
As you told me, is rushed and there are a lots of things happening at the same time. We readers, have very little information about what's going on and the details that we get are not relevant for the main course course of action.
I didn't have anything to tell me what they are so I was just imagining normal people, it wasn't until I read stupid hand's comment that I learned you are talking about Bionicals, since I am not familiar with them I still don't really get a hint of what is going on. From this prologue we just get a lot of incomplete information and details that aren't enough to get a first image or idea of the kind of story you are going to tell.
For now I'm just sticking to the assumption that Blaze is the main character.
Still, I'm excited to know more and see how this relates to MLP.