Nope and Sunshine were walking home after school when it happened. Nope felt the magical disturbance behind her and groaned softly. In a well-practiced movement she pushed Sunshine out of the way and started up her portal stabilizing spell.
"Portal," she mumbled.
"Again?" Sunshine asked. "That's the fourth this week."
"I wish," Nope said. "It's just the fourth you— Woah!" She grabbed a nearby lantern post as the portal opened. It was far bigger than she had anticipated, and it was pulling her in with unexpected force.
"The portal sucks?!" Sunshine yelled in surprise as she braced herself against the pull.
"They all do!" Nope managed to yell back before she disappeared into it.
The portal disappeared with a soft "blip", leaving Sunshine alone on the sidewalk.
She got up and dusted off her coat. "There goes our Friday afternoon ice cream meet," she said, shaking her head softly.
Nope willed her eyes open as she rushed through the chaotic maelstrom and looked at the swirling blue patterns. Just great. As the sucking had already made her suspect, it was most definitely a one-way portal. There was no point in trying to stabilize these; she couldn't go back through anyway. "Well," she said to a passing purple-headed monster with a top hat, "no point in fighting it, I guess."
"Much appreciated," the monster said. "I'd be late for work if you did." He tipped his hat with a green tentacle ending in a crab claw, and disappeared into the swirling walls.
"At least this one has polite void monsters," Nope mused, before the portal forcefully ejected her at her destination.
"It really is her!" an excited female voice said.
Nope suppressed a sigh and looked around. She appeared to be in some kind of cave, though it looked well lived in. Cots were set in neat rows in the middle, and crates and racks full of weapons lined the walls. She finally looked at the ponies in the room, who were all looking at her with a mix of hope, dread and confusion. Strangely, they all looked a bit like her classmates, only quite a bit older.
"Could you please send me back?" she asked. "I have school tomorrow." That was a blatant lie, of course, but she figured it sounded more urgent and serious than "I'm missing Friday afternoon ice cream."
"She's kind of small, isn't she?" a green unicorn stallion said. "How old are you, filly?"
"Wait, are you Starburst?" she asked. She looked around and strained her memory, trying to recollect their names. "And... Whisper, Flying Colors, and is that Miss Raincloud back there?"
The mare looked up. "Um, that's missus, actually."
Nope nodded. "So, did you pull me from the past, or an alternate universe?"
Whisper, a yellow unicorn mare, stepped forward. "It should be alternate universe. I have no idea how the time difference happened. Let's hope it's not some kind of dilation, or universes with unsynchronized time flows. That would make it problematic to send you back. Um. You're Noble Pinions, right?"
"That's what's on my birth certificate," Nope reluctantly admitted.
"Whisper, why is she younger?" Starburst asked. "We can't use a pint-sized Pinions!"
"How's your brother?" Nope asked him.
Starburst frowned. "Brother? I'm an only child."
"No alien duplicate?"
The stallion gave her a confused look. "What?"
Nope nodded and smiled at Whisper. "Definitely alternate universe."
Whisper let out a relieved sigh. "Oh thank goodness! Time travel is such a mess."
"Yeah, no kidding," Nope said. "So, um, what's going on here? Why do you need me? Please don't tell me you need a replacement-me because I went missing or something. I already did that last summer, and, lemme tell you, it sucked."
To her credit, Whisper didn't give her the expected "What?" response. The mare just shook her head and gave her a sad look. "If only. If our Pinions went missing, it'd be a blessing."
Nope raised an eyebrow, a giddy feeling bubbling up inside her despite herself. "Wait, wait. I'm a menace in this one?" She looked around the cave again. "A band of rebels... I'm an evil overlord?" She couldn't help grinning.
Several of the ponies surrounding her involuntarily stepped back.
"Are you sure this one's not evil?" Starburst asked Whisper.
"And to counter that," Nope continued, suppressing her laughter, "you summoned an alternate her here in the hopes it came from the Universe of Hackneyed Stereotypical Opposites, giving you a Brave Defender of Justice?"
Whisper shuffled around uncomfortably. "Well, if you put it that way, I guess—"
"And now," Nope added incredulously, "you expect a filly to clean up your mess!" She suddenly frowned. Imagining herself as Evil Overlord had been pretty funny, yes, but this? There wasn't really anything funny about it. She gave Whisper a grumpy look. "So, what were you planning anyway? Just letting me lead your attacks and storm the castle?"
"I'm just the summoner here!" Whisper said. "Don't ask me that stuff! I don't do strategy; that's Starburst's thing!"
The stallion in question now also shuffled around uncomfortably. "Um," he replied, "Yeah? Pretty much?"
Nope sighed. "Where's the castle? She does have a castle, right?"
Starburst's face lightened up. "Oh yes! There's a castle!" he said, nodding enthusiastically. "So, you're doing it?"
"Nope."
"But—"
"Look, I'm a pint-sized her, okay? Pint-Pinions. There's no way I can defeat her! I'm just going to talk to her."
Starburst gaped at her. "Talk?! You can't just 'talk' to an evil overlord! She'd just throw you in the dungeons right away, or banish you to some celestial body in outer space, like she did with the princesses!"
Nope shook her mane. "Eh. We'll see."
Nope was somewhat disappointed. The castle in question wasn't black, didn't radiate malice, and didn't have any ominous-looking birds flying around high peaking towers. In fact, there was not a single thin gravity-defying platform or turret of the kind that were so abundant on the Canterlot one. Instead, it looked like a very defensible, sturdy castle, and it had a wide moat dug around it. She looked around thoughtfully as she walked closer. Yes, this would probably be the kind of castle she'd build if she were an evil overlord.
"Halt! Who goez dere?"
Nope walked up to the castle guards at the drawbridge, nodding approvingly. Diamond dogs. Sensible choice, she figured. Much easier to suppress a pony population with than fellow ponies, impossible to impersonate, and probably wonderfully loyal.
"Look," Nope replied, "this is embarrassing enough as it is, okay? I just botched a time travel spell, and ended up way out of the castle, in a body half my normal age. Can I just get back to my room so I can get this fixed?"
One of the diamond dog blinked, walked up to her and sniffed her. Thankfully, it seemed that becoming an evil overlord hadn't affected the way she smelled. The dog nodded pensively, and gave her a slightly concerned look. "Huh. Hokay, boss. I, um, suppose ve better keep dis qviet, den?"
Wow. Loyal and concerned! She was getting impressed at her Evil Self's personnel management skills. "Thank you," she said politely, while waiting for the drawbridge to lower.
So far, so good, she thought as she walked into the actual castle. She had honestly expected to get more trouble at the gates; getting identified by smell was definitely a stroke of luck. She walked aimlessly around the castle until she found a map hanging on the wall. It had a helpful red dot saying "YOU ARE HERE".
"Well, that's convenient," Nope said. She couldn't help noticing that the corridors looked nothing like the map, though. At the bottom of the map was a friendly green button with the inscription "If you are lost, press the button to ask for instructions!"
Nope looked at the faint outline of a trapdoor under her feet, and made a mental note to stay the heck away from any convenient air ducts in this place. Frankly, it was rather unsettling how much respect she was getting for her Evil Overlord Self.
She wisely decided to keep looking on her own.
There was no throne room.
Oh, there was a large set of golden double doors, yes. And a convenient lever to open it, placed behind a single rather scrawny looking guard. The gigantic trap door in front of it, which looked like it could swallow up a small army, was pretty much impossible to spot, its outline almost invisible between the large floor tiles. Only the thin lines bisecting some of the tiles that formed a diagonal decoration pattern gave a slight hint that something was amiss. Nope gave the diamond dog a polite nod and looked on.
Her alternate self was a sensible Evil Overlord; she'd have her personal quarters tucked away in an unnoticeable corner, close to many guards but not noticeably guarded. She decided to check out the area around the barracks, and it wasn't long until she found it.
Given the fact the entire castle was apparently a death trap for hapless invading rebels, it shouldn't have come as a surprise to her that the guards here were a lot sharper, too.
"Whoo'z hyu den?" a large black diamond dog asked, circling around her.
"You know who I am," Nope said. "Can I go in, please?"
"Hyoo schmell like boss lady, but hyu eesunt boss lady. She'z in dere."
"Good. I want to talk to her." The dog grinned and looked like he was about to make some cruel remark, but Nope cut him off. "Look. I smell like her, I sound like her, and I look like her. Whether I'm an enemy or a friend really doesn't matter right now, y'know. Do you really think she won't want to know about me?"
The Dog frowned, grumbled something under his breath, and nodded.
"Hokay, tiny boss lady," he said, turning to the door. "Hyu tok to boss lady, den."
The guard gave a specific patterns of knocks on the door. After a few seconds, the door opened, seemingly by itself.
The Diamond Dog gave her a nod, and Nope walked in, closely followed by her minder. The inside looked more like an office than a throne room; in the center stood a wooden desk overflowing with papers, and all the walls were covered with shelves full of books, papers and scrolls.
Noble Pinions looked up from her paperwork and looked at her guest. For an Evil Overlord, Nope thought she looked fairly normal. Pretty much what she expected herself to look like in a decade or so. Her older self blinked and gave her a baffled look. "What in Equestria...?"
"Hi!" Nope said. "I'm you. Well. Younger alternate universe you. Can you please get me home?"
"You're... not here to defeat me?" Pinions asked.
"I think that was the plan originally," Nope said, "but then again, they said they couldn't send me back, so I thought I'd have better luck with you."
"Portal, huh?" Pinions said, nodding.
"Yeah. You get them too?"
"No. I keep a portal-nullifying field around me these days." She gave Nope a miserable look. "Of course, everypony thinks it's just to prevent sneak attacks."
"So, um..." Nope asked hesitantly. "What's the deal with... all this? The Evil Overlord thing?"
Pinions sighed and gave the guard a short nod, prompting him to walk out and close the door behind him.
She rested her head on the papers she'd been looking over. "It's not as if I wanted this," she said. "Everything trying to push you into one direction... just got so tiring." She raised her head and squinted her eyes. "So I said, forget it! If Destiny wants me to be some kind of hero? Well, let's see how dear old Destiny reacts if I go the other way! Portals? Nullified. Aliens? Shot out of the heavens! Magical princes and wizards? Throw them into a random portal!" She sighed again. "It gets so tiring, you know? Before you know it, you have foreign powers demanding to find their missing heirs, and then the Princesses get on your case, and when you finally manage to defeat them and lock them away, you have to go and figure out how to keep these stupidly huge celestial bodies going. It's a giant bother, that's what it is. And that's just the start, too."
"Really?" Nope asked curiously.
"Well, yes," Pinions replied glumly. "Once you defeat all the heroes, there's no one left to deal with all these ridiculous world-ending threats Equestria seems to get on a semi-yearly basis. I probably saved this world more times than any of these so-called heroes, but do you see me getting any praise? Ohh no. I'm the Evil Overlord!"
She blinked, and smiled at Nope. "Wow. You don't know how good it feels to just be able to vent about all that to someone who can understand it!"
"I got a fairly good idea," Nope said with a nod. "So, um... now what?"
Pinions looked at her carefully. "Well then. Who brought you here?"
"Our old classmates," Nope said. "They're holed up in the forest somewhere."
"Oh. Of course. Them." Pinions sighed. "I just let them go about their business. Sending people to the onion mines is all fun and games until it's someone you know being dragged in by the guards, you know? So I just let them get away. Some ropes not bound very tightly, some doors carelessly left ajar, some guards fast asleep on the job. I'm sure they feel very accomplished now, with their little hidden rebellion." She cricked her neck. "But, you see, just the fact they exist gives the ponies hope, so that's nice." She glanced down at Nope. "I just hope they don't summon anything horrible by accident."
"What happened to Sunshine?" Nope asked, cocking her head curiously. She couldn't help but notice the absence of her best friend in the cave, earlier.
"Agh, Sunshine," Pinions groaned. "Look, she and Blue Pine were... uh, you know Blue Pine? Her husband?"
"Somewhat," Nope said with a nod. "They just started dating, in my world."
Pinions looked relieved at that. "Right, right. The time difference. Anyway, I didn't want them in the way of all this, especially since some groups would probably try to use them as leverage against me, so... I banished them."
Nope nodded. "To some luxurious place."
Pinions nodded back. "With a large spending account. They still send me post cards; Sunny's getting very good at Zebrican. Honestly, she feels kind of bad about the situation here, but she loves it there."
Nope grinned. "I'll suggest it to them as honeymoon destination."
"Oh, leave her alone!" Pinion grinned back at her. "We'll see how you'll do when you fall in love!" She blinked and frowned, her expression turning gloomy. "It's not always like the fairy tales, little one..."
"Hey, no spoilers!" Nope protested. "Kindly allow me to make my own mistakes!"
"Right, right. Sorry." Pinions looked around her desk, which was overflowing with papers. "Well. I can at least warn you against this mistake. Though I honestly can't tell exactly where it started going wrong. I just... lost my temper a few times, it all snowballed into this huge mess, and the next thing I know, I'm an evil overlord." She stared blankly in front of her.
Nope nodded sadly. There was little she could do for her older self; no new insights to offer, no clever ways out... after all, Pinions was her, and she'd been there throughout the whole mess. "Do try to find a way out, please," she said. She gave her older alternate self a weak smile. "I know you can solve it."
Pinion smiled. "You're right. I guess I just have to try a little harder. Now, let's see about getting you home..."
"So, did you get me anything this time?" Sunshine asked.
Nope giggled. "I really shouldn't, but Big Me didn't mind, so... try to figure this one out!" She floated a small rectangular piece of cardboard out of her saddlebags, and let it hang in the air in front of her friend.
Sunshine gave the postcard a puzzled look. "I can't read that! That's Zebrican or something. Wait... is that my mouthwriting?"
Nope said nothing. She just waited patiently for her friend to get to the two signatures at the bottom of the card, which were connected with a large and rather intimate-looking ampersand.
I guess this is it... until I get some more ideas worth writing down.
9660659
I really hope you do get more ideas, because this chapter was glorious.
Jägerdogger guards?
Way shorter than I expected.
It allow you to finish on a high note and a possible opening, you just took the sensible direction, you don't start to write when it starts being a chore.
No need for a life quest where she does everything she can to not end like her old self, just a good old "nope"
Impressive.
Oh, it's ending? Kind of surprising.
Oh My God the Evil Nope has read the Evil Overlord List, hasn't she? Or at least is in the process of composing it herself. I spot a few Evil Overlord mistakes but that can easily be excused by Evil Nope still ironing out the kinks.
It would be kind of confusing if it was!
This was a fun story, though I am a sad that you decided to end it here. Evil Overlord Nope was a treat, though, and I hope things do eventually work out for her. One of the ways of accomplishing it is, ironically, finishing figuring out the Evil Overlord List. If you follow everything on it to the letter you end up a bit more like a CEO than an Evl Overlord.
9660696
Huzzah! A fan of the Heterodyne Heir! Always good to find one.
9660687
I hope the same, heh.
9660696
9660722
My Diamond Dogs will always get Jäger-speech
9660699
9660704
You missed the fact I specifically announced in the first comment of the first chapter that I only had 4 chapters written, and would be marking it as Completed until I would maybe come up with more later?
9660715
She doesn't need a list. She's just Sensible.
Hm? It totally is alternate-Sunshine's handwriting.Derp. I'm an idiotI think it was a nice story despite being short. But sometimes it's better then to not over stat your welcome
9660734
oh, I'm fairly sure this could have more chapters without overstaying its welcome, I just don't have any more ideas worked out
9660731
Sunshine has hands?
9660736
Nope maybe gets a cold and she gets a lot of strange visitors?
9660722
Have you read this?
9660737
Gaah! You saw nothing!
Dammit, I reread this a bazillion times and I fall for dumb things like that
But, um, thanks for pointing that out
9660739
Heh, strange visitors... I was sooo tempted to do a crossover with The Saga of Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade, Interior Design Alicorn. Phil is just the most brilliant character ever.
9660745
It happens. Worse is when it happens the other way. I was writing a D&D story and on going through it realized I'd used "hoof" instead of "hands" a few times.
9660751
"Hoofwriting" makes no sense, though. I'm going with mouths
9660745
I would so read that I wouldn't mind doing a crossover
On one hand, I'm rather sad there'll be no more anytime soon. On the other, it's still hilarious
Poor overlord Nope, though. Without love in her life, having to save the world and deal with rebels to keep peace of mind and spirit
Lets see... what other miss-adventures could she get into. *hums*
I could see a stock teen horror movie plot starting to unfold, and her refusing to act like and idiot and actually gets the right authorities involved. (Freddy Clone, meet Luna, have fun)
Her future self coming back in time to tell her not to do something, only to be counter by another future self saying the first future self was actually a changeling trying to get her to do something she normally wouldn't (Destiny is getting clever)
First week of summer vacation and every day she wins a trip to some new exotic plot hook. Eventually she just books a trip to the most boring place in Equstria and sends one of the local changelings off on it while she hides at home for a couple weeks. (The changeling was disappointed that they stopped trying to replace Nope right before it was his turn, and he wants to have a proper adventure)
Discovering that over night the world has been rewritten as if she had actually accepted one the plot hooks. This time Destiny is trying to just skip over the part where she can refuse and shove her right into the story. Maybe resulting in her kicking the ass of the
anthroequinepomorphic personification of destiny. (It would be cathartic)Celestia randomly visits the town... and does nothing at all because she wants Nope to finishes school first. Nope's attempts to avoid her ends up with her running into a cute pony that she kind of falls for. ("My work is done here" "But you didn't do anything" "Didn't I?")
Well that went well. At least she knew how to do that list correctly.
Odd question: did she need to lie? I mean, if she walked up to the guards and said "I am a younger, alternate-universe version of your boss, and I would like to ask her if she can send me home," would they have gone along with it?
Ha! This this story was gold! Thanks for making my day!
Huh. The only problem I saw with this is the guards were missing their Verrah Nize Hats.
Everypony wants to rule the world -- until they realize what a huge pain in the plot it is to stay in power. Good, evil -- it doesn't matter. Bureaucracy will always worm its way into the mix. Paperwork buries the best (and the worst) of them all. How do you think Emperor Palpatine actually got all those wrinkles?
If this is the end, it ends well. If it isn't, I'm sure you'll put something worthy up next. Nice job.
Maybe do another story with the father dealing with some more Nope protagonist field generate?
Like him doing a round around the house to check on the traps? All those serenading love sick princes won't caught themselves.
Or him dealing with more portals in cruel and unusual ways. He got to have become creative after all these years. Like for example, poring concrete in them or each portals he capture over the years, he bring it back to the basement where he put all of them is a mobius ring feeding off each others. That way if somebody try to pass a portal he fall in the next one, then the next and the next, etc.
You could have the Changeling that impersonated her come back and talk to her.
Meeting an another protagonists.
Grandparents visit or a family reunion.
The Princess trying another scheme at getting to Nope onto her Destiny.
Multiple Ultimates evils from different dimensions comming to deal with her in her youth before she becomes a hindrance to them but they all get in each other's way.
All the Romantic Interest that popped up over the years having a meeting and since they can't stand one another dukes it out. Meanwhile the Meeting for Rejected Magical Pets next door complain about the noise. They already have enough to deal with the crippling unemployment most of their members are in.
Plenty of stuff and tropes you can use.
Edit: Her mother remarried and had another child in that mariage. Then, Nope half siblings try to meet his/her sister she never knew about until recently despite the mother banning such a thing.
Why did it die. Please don’t let it die.
Ah, the evil overlord list. A classic.
So, is Blue Pines at all related to Dipper Pines?
Well now you did it. I liked, I faved, it still not enough. So I made a new shelve just for this one.
I see someone has read the Evil Overlord's List.
I celebrate the chapter and vehemently object the Completed tag.
I was hoping Nope would get Nope to teach her how to make the portal-nullifying field.
Thanks for sharing these with us. :)
Yup, very dissapointing.
But it seems she took a look at the Evil Overlord List.
Anyway, good story!
I enjoyed reading it!
9661073
Mace Windu reflecting his Force Lightning back at him?
Poor future Nope. I hope she can find a way out of this.
Best response to someone trying to tell you the future ever, no matter the circumstance.
9661548
Agreed!
9660699
You've got a point. A very good point
unfortunately.I wish it could have been put on hiatus or something like that. Oh well, good job!!
9660930
Ehh, perhaps not, but she probably thought it would be easier. And refusing to be the Big Damn Hero doesn't mean you can't get some practice in Sneaky Castle Infiltration
9661073
Now, now, I just put that in as sottle refranz. I don't want to elevate this to full-blown crossover status.
You can find more Jägerdogs in my story The Daily Unlife... though they're probably, bizarrely, the most serious bunch in that story. Not that that's saying much... on the whole, that story is much sillier than it has any right to be
Quite. It's a terrible job, that's what it is.
9661131
Yeah, see, I played with this absolutely silly idea of Alicorns Anonymous... but then I'd have to once again drag Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade into the picture.
I got a document full of ideas... but unless I can get a decent piece of writing out of them I won't publish any of them. One of the most promising ones was actually Twilight sparkle visiting her and basically discussing the fact that the Esteemed Princess of
BooksFriendship also has no idea how the heck to handle her "destiny ".9661285
Didn't die. It's just... pining for the fjords. Really
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9661476
9661671
Eh. Any slightly sensible evil overlord has no need for such a list.
Then again, being a card-carrying villain apparently has its merits, too...
9661430
Alas, haven't gotten around to watching that one yet.
9661548
Well, I announced it from the start...
Not sure what to do with a story that may be expanded further, but also might not... there's no real story status for that
9661587
Oh, you betcha. If I write anything more on this I'll be sure to drop a casual mention of that
9663510
Okay serious talk. I get why you did what you did. And its fine. Alondro is a troll. Its fun but every now and then Alondro goes too far for some people. It happens.
Dont worry too much about it. derpicdn.net/img/2016/5/26/1163152/full.png
9663526 It's hardly my fault in a story about a pony with zero motivation!
it triggers the Deadpool genes.
On that note... Deadpool vs Nope... ye gods, I want THAT!
9665735
He lives!
Which genes you talking about buddy? The sarcasm, the blunt honesty, or the ability to not die?
All of the above?
P.S. Maximum Effort!
9665735
9666044
And then Deadpool ended up facing Mr. Perfect Cell....
9666832
Whatever he ended up facing at the other side is irrelevant for this story
9667169 Or is it...
DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUN!!
Also, Chrysalis could totally be the Pony version of Cell. And her clones would be Cell Jr's!
Sad to see it ending so quickly. Also surprised Destiny didn’t try to force a fateful confrontation with the mother that abandoned her.
Very relaxin.
Thanks fer sharin!
Surprised the Mane 6 hadn’t approached her.
Fantastic work.
Grinned from start to finish.
~Skeeter The Lurker
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9673666
You have to understand, this story was never written as an exploration of what should happen to such a character. Only what could happen ever mattered. It gives me a lot more freedom. Sure, if this was somewhat serious, the princesses would meddle, destiny would attempt to seriously mess up her life, and the actual main characters would show up. But none of these things seemed very interesting to explore when I wrote this. If there is anything interesting (read: funny) to be found in these particular scenarios, sure, I might get on that. But until then:
Nope.
9693678
Glad you enjoyed it!
I love this! Keep up the good work.
The story idea that comes to mind here is learning to portal all her defeated “enemies,” to deal with the problem of the week:
“I am Mysterio the Invincible! Master of all magic and power. No blade or spell can touch me. Bow before my power and I shall consider making you my consort. “
She looked up with a bored and weary sigh. She crushed a small gem on her desk and a frail and elderly figure stumbled out of a side portal.
“My name is Nope, which is the answer to your question. Have you met Tirek?”
She quickly crushed another crystal that opened another large portal underneath their feet, before the screaming could start.
Nope checked through several drawers on her desk before reaching for the speaking tube, “Spike, I’m out of migraine pills again.”
Spike came in with a bottle of pills in his claws and set it on her desk, “I got another invitation for you to the princess summit in two weeks.”
“Spike a princess summit is not like tempting fate; it’s like going up to fate, kicking her in the shins, then mooning her and saying, ‘what’re ya goin to do about it, huh?’ I like what little peace and quiet I can get around here.”
“You know that I’m more aware of that than most. If you hadn’t rescued my family and given us refuge here, it wouldn’t have ended well for us or anyone in the general vicinity.”
“That reminds me, let Claire and at least one Twilight know that we need to work on some more portal crystals. That last bozo was epic level at least. I sure don’t want to end up going toe to toe with someone like that if I can avoid it.”
Spike stopped and brought a claw up to his chin thoughtfully, “Do you think he was a Twilight?”
Nope leaned back and reviewed the confrontation in her mind. “ The power level and power set certainly match and he was definitely majorly transformed, but there was nothing that gave off that “Twilight vibe” either, so I’m definitely going to have to give it a maybe.”
Having had friends & relatives who've been divorced, Future Nope "Don't date X"
Or better yet, her kids say so "You'll make our lives Hell"