Luminous MLP: Storm

Magic is usable by all, but there are those that threaten the world with powers beyond normal, The Witches and Warlocks. Noticing the trouble on the horizon, Grand Cardinal Celestia calls upon the Children of Harmony to fight this threat...

Will the Children of Harmony be able to face down the combined forces of The Witches and Warlocks? Or will a twist of fate reveal something far more sinister?

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Discombobulated Soul

Discombobulated Soul #1 · Oct 31st, 2022 · · ·

What an utterly engaging narrative! Your pacing throughout is on point, especially with how it speeds up during the action scene and slows down afterwards. The concept and premise of the story are excellent and wonderful; I'd give them an 11/10! This is an incredibly interesting alternate universe, and I can't wait to see how it will pan out in the future. May I also compliment your grammar, as I found merely one or two exceedingly minor mistakes in the chapter, something that is indeed impressive in and of itself.

I have but one humble bit of advice to offer, and I hope that you do not take the criticism too harshly. Something I believe you would greatly benefit from would be exercising the concept of 'show, don't tell.' In my experience, readers enjoy putting together pieces and finding out information for themselves, rather than being told flat out.

There were opportunities to enact this principle a few times throughout the chapter, notably when Thalamite looks a bit concerned. Instead of saying that, perhaps consider describing to us his uneasy body language, such as twitching ears or an anxiously tapping hoof. Let us figure it out for ourselves, so that we can feel smart.

Another instance of this is with the exposition on how various elements interact with each other. Do not be mistaken, I was absolutely enthralled with the rules themselves, and the way that the characters themselves went over them in our stead was ingenious. Still, I feel that it is a block of 'telling' everything right at the start, and we must remember that this is a written story, not a video game.

I believe it would be more interesting for the readers if you spaced out such information, or perhaps told it in flashbacks. Mayhap demonstrate an elemental interaction mid-fight, with one of the characters using an elementally ineffective attack against a monster and then getting reminded of those two elements' traits. A bit late to do so now, but consider it for future rules going forward.

Perhaps the biggest instance where you straight up told the readers information was at the very beginning of the story, about how this is a different universe than the one we know and such. Even if it is based off the game this is inspired from, it is still not ideal for such information to just be given, at least in written storytelling. I feel that it would be a significantly better choice to have some manner of opening scene with an unimportant family. You state in the first paragraph that takes of witches and warlocks are told to foals all the time. Maybe instead, you could 'show' that information with an opening scene of some children actually getting told stories about magic users.

As a matter of fact, I think you could 'show' all the information from that first paragraph with such an opening scene. Have the mother say a line like: "Witches know how to use magic, unlike us normal ponies," and so forth. If you wanted to connect that scene to the actual narrative proper, you could have those children be the main character and his brother, and tell it as a flashback!

Just some food for thought.

In any case, be reassured, for I still highly enjoyed this chapter and eagerly await further updates. You have an exceedingly great thing going here, and I beg you not to lose hope on it just from some minor mistakes. I would say that this fic is easily above average, and you've managed to secure yourself a reader that desires to see this story through to the finish.

Bruticus