When King Sombra returned and sought to conquer Equestria, the Imperial Lunar Army stood in his path. Under the stalwart leadership of Warmaster Saturn Hawkrich, a mighty counteroffensive was launched to tear Sombra down before he knew what hit him. The war would be over before anyone knew it!
That was months ago. The war carries on and continues to take a bloody toll on Equestria. Now questions are beginning to mount regarding the conduct of the war and Hawkrich's capability. Questions from soldiers, from civilian officials, and most vocally by the young General Selenite and Empress Nightmare Moon herself.
Warmaster Hawkrich wants the job done. General Selenite wants it done right. The soldiers are getting weary. But perhaps most importantly of all, Empress Nightmare Moon demands results.
Takes place in my New Lunar Millennium alternate universe. More information can be found here, but no prior knowledge of my AU beyond the general concept is required to read this story.
Proofread and edited by Izzy Incraft. Additional proofreading and consultation provided by Dice, Danielle and Kalashnikitty.
woh new moonatik fic
One big question is, in what manner Hawkrich will get demoted from his position, or if he will get demoted ONLY from his position at the end. Probably not, as he was successful greatly earlier, but still it's big failure on his part and proof of not being flexible in thinking.
I'm going to stand out from the get-go and say I immediately detected some major problems within the premise of this story you were writing.
The premise of
Equestianforces seriously struggling against Sombrite ones is pretty unbelievable if one pays attention to the lore (EaW, Canon and Yours).The thing is that one begins to wonder how the Equestrians would struggle so much against Sombra if they quickly defeated the Changelings, who certainly have a large number of guns and a directly comparable industry/population, while the Empire is one/fourth of Equestria's own population and with a hopelessly antiquated industrial sector (and initially didn't even know of guns before the war), which generates some major cognitive dissonance between the two conflicts upon even briefly thinking of the details.
The thought of Sombra being able to effectively hold out for any prolonged period with forces, which essentially completely consisting of medieval melee infantry with an occasional gun here and there, whom he would be able to field only in lesser numbers (due to having a clearly inferior logistical troop fielding capacity to Lunar Empire's own due to lack of railroads) and would be completely reliant on Zerg Rush tactics in battle (which are only effective/works against opponent you clearly outnumber who is primarily armed with ranged weapons), unless he callously threw hundreds of thousands ponies against the enemy immediately and non-stop upon reaching the front with the expectation of them dying to the enemy very quickly before they died themselves from dehydration and lack of food (which would become increasingly difficult to do/sustain further away from the crystal city in the frontlines were in sufficient numbers).
Even him not caring about losses, he would likely also have major problems or be flat-out incapable of creating enough new helmets fast enough to replace the lost ones.
IF Sombra was able to do this credibly against any opponent stronger than EaW game-start Equestria (and the Lunar Empire would certainly be militarily several times stronger at this point), It would immediately make one wonder how in the hell he didn't instantly overrun Equestria before the Empire's banishment in the past.
These reasons make it so ludicrous why he would be able to seemingly hold so long (after his initial starting forces have been melted against ranged rifle-fire,) against Equestria compared to Changelings, which immediately breaks the suspension of disbelief if one thinks about it even briefly and is even half familiar with EaW.
As you probably can see, there are some serious problems/holes with the in-universe logic of this time period (when looked through the lens of EaW) and You need to majorly Re-think this time period (if you care about making sense and having a well-made alternative-universe), which I can come up with two main ways of fixing:
1. Changing the chronological order of the Crystal and Changeling Wars occurring. (Most logical, more thrilling way, Most extensive amount of work re-writing, but also the most rewarding.)
This makes most sense as the thought of Lunarist struggling against Sombrite's forces after Changelings is ridiculous if they had already defeated the Changelings Hives (See above) and reversing the order would make quick Changeling defeat make sense in the first place, as it is hard to believe
Equestriawould be to ever able to quickly defeat the Changeling hives after NM fully taking power only two years prior (She would be realistically more than busy still trying to re-establish a fully/properly functional government at this point of time after the civil war against Celestial loyalist ended so recently) and thus would be incapable launching any serious offensive war against the Changelings Hives, as the former equestrian military would be too small and outdated to wage a credible offensive war into the changeling lands, (and especially one that could never hope to be any way quick), as building and modernizing a far large military of sufficient size takes at least several years for any country (and changelings would take note).(
My own suggestion.) I think a good alternation to your lore that would make it more realistic/interesting would have had the Changeling military intervene in the closing stages of the civil war by launching an offensive (over half-decade early proto-version of Operation Alicorn Sunset) against Equestria when they fully realized Celestial's were going-to lose for the following reasons:They won’t ever get a better chance of conquering Equestria than currently, as it's now divided in a civil-war, which would generate a major incentive for attack and, more pressingly, Nightmare Moon's victory would create major pressure to launch a form of pre-emptive attack, as they would know she isn't shy about military expansionism/utilization, if they did even a basic character study of her, as now would be the best time to take her out as she would only start getting militarily stronger as time passed.(She would be a huge indefinite existential threat to them, unlike Celestia.)
This would result in the Olenians launching their own attack against the Changelings in retaliation, (as they would know if Equestria falls, then they would follow not long after), which then ties enough changeling troops fighting against the deer to allow the Lunar forces to stop (with the Celestian-loyalist one's having now fully disintegrated) and allow Lunarists to push them back to the original border from northwestern Equestria, which then result into an armistice/frozen-conflict as both sides prepare for inevitable second confrontation, but then Sombra's empire appears as this war ends and allows him to credibly fight one on one against NM's exhausted and overextended forces, (which large amount have to be kept guarding against the changelings).
2. Having the Lunar-Crystal War starting just before the Changeling one fully ends. (Justifies most of the bad logic away, majorly reduces disbelief and Least work/effort to re-write.)
Having the Crystal Empire spawn on the map, while clearly the majority of Equestria forces would still be fighting or performing occupation-duty in the changeling lands, would allow Sombra to launch a major offensive, able to seize large swaths of northern Equestria (as those reasons would make it be virtually undefended) before enough Lunar forces are relocated to be able to halt the attack in organized manner. This would allow Sombra to believably seize enough territory, guns, ponypower and industry to be able to hold out for so long as he has. (He almost got close to the city of Bales and held Whinnyapolis a few months.) Otherwise, he can't last for so long if large number of Lunar forces aren’t tied somewhere else and being already badly positioned at the start of the war. (If I remember correctly, you had NM being already mostly prepared for his return).
I also noticed some other major problems with the story:
Having Hawkrich's mention that Lunarists can fire consistently 3 million artillery shells within 24 hours is completely unbelievable if one stops thinking about it, because during WW1, Germany shot a quarter-million rounds on average daily (1918), which would very strongly imply that Lunarists having a dozen times greater amount of artillery power despite Equestria being less populous than The Second Reich (who had the largest artillery arsenal/power in WW1), which obviously sounds completely unbelievable. Please, do some basic research before throwing out hard numbers like that (because the premise exists in alt-universe EaW, which is a total conversion mod for a relatively detailed world war simulator game, so people are going to take notice).
The character of Saturn Hawkrich also doesn’t make much sense as the Warmaster in the first place if this occurs after the Changing War (which it is), as during it, they would have noticed his expertise clearly wasn’t up to the task if they had ever wanted to defeat the changelings quickly in a believable manner, (if at all). (This would make lunar military command impossibly/unbelievably successful morons against the changelings if it’s true.)
(I think you accidentally wrote yourself to a corner/
to-do-my-above-suggestions if you want a way out).Conclusions: This New Lunar Millennium story you are writing contains some major flaws in its premise from the get-go, which then by extension, end-up fully exposing the major flaws in your alt-universe, unlike previous stories you have written in it. This means you likely need do a major re-think of both (the Current Story and the Universe it’s in). (Although I might have already spent way too much time and effort into this piece of criticism.)
Okay, That's enough about me writing this essay, about magical talking pastel ponies. What the hell am I doing with my own life?
Nightmare Moon later went on to learn of the grand art that is "Forklift Certification."
11908141
At first I wasn't going to bother responding to this because it feels less like an actual critique and more like an attempt to impose your own fanfic onto mine. But you bothered to take the time to write so I might as well take the time to respond.
For a start the countries in this setting are not the same ones that exist in 1007 EaW. It's not the same Crystal Empire, not the same Changeling Lands, and definitely not the same Equestria. If there are inconsistencies between this and EaW, it's because I chose to change them to make what I think is a better story. That's not a "major flaw", as far as I'm concerned. When making fan works, it's always better to put "trve canon" aside than it is to be a slave to the source material if the former makes the story better (which is something EaW does plenty of itself, and is better for it).
Worth noting that even in EaW's own lore the Changeling Lands were brought close to collapse due to the failure in 1002, close enough that they'd be vulnerable to a counterattack from a prepared foe (which is what happens). The big reason why they're struggling against Sombra is that they're fundamentally fighting a totally different sort of army, one that isn't vulnerable to the typical Lunar doctrine in the way the changelings were. If what you're thinking is "how aren't the lunars instantly winning they have all these listed advantages. are they stupid." then congratulations, you discovered half the point of the story. Having all the best gear and biggest army in the world doesn't mean shit if you don't understand the kind of war you're fighting.
Your second suggestion for how to "change the universe" is already the case. This current war started while the Changeling war was ongoing and the Lunars were caught off guard. This is an important detail so I have made an edit to the story so this is clear. I'm sure your first suggestion will make a great story on its own if you decide to write it. But this is not your story.
For the specific point on shell output, he's referring to what their combined artillery across a gigantic 4000km front would be capable of. Not what they'd be expected to do on a regular night. It might even be an underestimate, considering that at some battles in WW2 half a million shells were launched in less than an hour. And I shouldn't have to tell you why using an average of what one army did is a flawed way to assess their maximum capability, as the average no doubt includes long periods of relative calm alongside intense battles. Maybe I should have specified that this was the maximum output seeing as it was misinterpreted, but also consider that it's coming directly out of the mouth of a character who is very much trying to make their work sound impressive. "Your character specifically written to be unreliable sure sounds unreliable" is not a criticism.
The demand to do "basic research" is especially frustrating when I specifically went out of my way to consult with people with actual military experience to make sure that I was portraying everything mostly correctly, with the in-story information matching their experiences and the bulk of their input taken on board. Not that I'd expect you to know this, but its worth mentioning.
All in all I appreciate that you took the time to write this, but generally I don't appreciate what feels like an attempt to impose a different story altogether on top of mine. That crosses the line from helpful criticism to unhelpful (and uninformed) complaining. And just for future reference it would be appreciated if you didn't format (your comments) in way that made them
unbearableto read.Why isn’t there a King Sombra tag?
11909813
... Because he's only mentioned in the background and doesn't even actually appear in the story in person?
11909821
Correct. Can confirm he won't make a physical appearance.
Easy to see why he got tossed out in the end aside from the whole “basically sending Moon to her death”. Nightmare Moon wants someone in the end with the backbone to tell her to her face “Your plan sucks and here’s why.”
I will say, it was one of really last things to hear from mouth of Nightmare Moon>
11910669
What he did could and would be called highest level treason in most of situations. He is gigalucky, that he still is a General, as in most of cases, it would end with him becoming Private, or getting executed for insane incompetence.
The right mare at the right place.
11911233
There isn't a Millennium Archives section on the Changeling and Crystal wars because I haven't written up-to-date versions of them yet. There's no conspiracy to hide fucking pony lore.
Now that you're straight up calling me a liar (and pulling the "just a theory" bullshit) I'm not going to dignify the rest of this comment with a response.
General Selenite getting the appreciation she deserves, I love it. For the Empress!
Thoroughly enjoyed this fic, and its military / EAW aspects and details. Thank you for an amazing read.