Cadance looked out her window with a sigh. Other foals had siblings. She did not. She ruffled her wings and lit her horn. She was a princess. She's earned that right, but it had brought her not a brother nor a sister.
"Hm." But which would be better, if she had a choice?
A brother would be loud and do boy things. Colts were a lot of trouble... No, a sister, for sure. Someone to share things she liked with. Cadance giggled at the thought. A little sister she could be the bigger sister of. That'd be nice!
A knock stirred her from her fanciful dreams. "Yes?" She hopped to the ground and scampered to the door with a clip-clop of her small hooves. "Is that a maid?" She grabbed the door's handle in her magic and got it open, on her second try.
Unicorn horns took practice, and she was still new at it.
What she didn't expect was a cowled pony dressed in dark tones. "Who are--" Cadance didn't get to finish the question, being grabbed and shoved somewhere cramped, where she could only smell her own fear and the fabric of the sack she'd been thrown into.
She could feel the bag bouncing around her as her assailant fled the scene, with her!
Cadance's heart pounded as she was jostled roughly inside the coarse sack. Fear and confusion overwhelmed the young filly. Where was this villain taking her? And why?
She struggled against the binds, horn glowing as she desperately tried every unlocking spell she knew, which wasn't many. But the magic suppressing rope only seemed to tighten more with each attempt.
Cadance blinked back tears, memories of her cozy castle bedroom already feeling distant. She thought of Celestia, of the guards and nobles that were surely searching for her by now. But even they couldn't track what magic couldn't touch.
The bouncing slowed to a stop. Cadance held her breath, listening intently as her captor's steps moved away. Were they finally letting her go? A tiny spark of hope flickered - then was snatched away as an ominous incantation echoed through the room. The blood drained from her face. That spell sounded dark and terrible, no joyful chorus of happy ponies.
"Please!" Cadance cried out. "Why are you doing this? I'll give you anything!" But her only answer was a bone-chilling laugh.
Strange magic soaked into her from every angle, peering, staring even. It felt like something was grossly violating her privacy in ways she didn't even understand. It was... like something was looking at her from every angle, even the inside. She was being examined in ways no pony even had words for.
With that information, a new body was forged, one for one, every little bit was copied over to this simulacrum, staring blankly out in the darkened place.
When the spell was complete, magic glowed on the sack around Cadance and ripped it free, allowing her to see the result.
Another Cadance was staring back at her, through her... No, they weren't looking at anything. They were just looking, straight ahead. There was no life there.
Around her stood six ponies with sneers. one clopped their hooves. "Stand." The copy of Cadance stood without noise. "Left." They turned left. "Right." They turned right.
The pony laughed darkly. "It worked... A perfect copy." They circled around the copy of Cadance, inspecting them. "Every last detail, perfect... Celestia will have no idea..."
Cadance shuddered, gaze locked on her lifeless twin. It was like staring into a twisted mirror - those blank eyes reflected nothing within. Just an empty vessel for this villain's schemes.
"You can't!" Cadance cried, struggling against her bonds once more. "I won't let you use her to get to Princess Celestia!"
The lead villain turned, a cruel glint in their eyes. "And who's going to stop us, little one?" They strode over to Cadance, tilting her chin up with a hoof. "You were merely the template. Now that your duplicate is complete, you have outlived your purpose."
They turned back to the hollow Cadance copy. "Dispose of her," they ordered casually.
The clone stepped forward, horn igniting. Cadance trembled, looking desperately into those cold eyes. Was there any trace of life to appeal to? Or was this shadow without a soul truly lost?
As the cursed magic built to a crescendo around her, Cadance squeezed her eyes shut, wishing with all her heart she didn't have to face this fate alone.
Elsewhere, in the vast nothing, nature abhorred a void. That other-Cadance was just that, an empty space. And into empty spaces, nature put things. It was just the natural order of things. Few could deny it for long.
There were infinite souls and minds flowing, each rushing to where they had to be. The suction of that void drew on the stream, yanking one free to hurtle through the void to a new destination.
Nothing planned it, and yet it had to happen. Was it fate?
The new Cadance blinked closed their eyes. On opening them, intelligence glowed behind them, a mind within. "What?" She spread her new wings. "Seriously, what?"
The ritual master scowled at the copy of Cadance. "You were destroying her. We have no use for her." He pointed at the original Cadance. "Go on. Show your loyalty, and your use."
The new Cadance blinked, gazing between her trembling original self and the sinister ponies surrounding them. Everything felt fuzzy, half-formed. But one thing was clear - she couldn't let them extinguish this scared filly's light.
"No," she stated firmly, much to the villains' surprise. She stepped in front of Cadance protectively. "I won't hurt her, or help you infiltrate Canterlot. Find someone else to do your dirty work."
The ritual master glowered. "You dare defy your maker?" He lit his horn menacingly. "I gave you form and function. You belong to me!"
New Cadance met his glare unflinchingly, even as shadows gathered around them. She had awoken disoriented, with no past or purpose. And yet now, she felt the first fledgling sense of self blooming within.
"I belong to no one," she retorted. "Now let us go, before I stop asking nicely..." She ignited her own horn, surprising herself with a protective fury that seemed to radiate from her very soul.
Whatever spell brought her here, she now had a say over her fate. And come what may, she would shield this innocent filly with her newfound life. "Back off." At the same instant as that second word, magic pulsed from her powerfully, knocking away the cultists nearest to her. "Not a request."
The original Cadance smiled with building hope. Her alter-self was a good pony! She was... maybe even better at magic than Cadance was? Not fair... But also it felt like a bad time to complain about that. "Untie me, please!" She wriggled in her bonds. "I'll help."
The new Cadance flared out her wings, taking flight above the unicorns in the cramped room. There was just enough space for her to soar over their heads. "We're leaving!" She grabbed the original in her magic, yanking them up to float with her. "Which way is out?!"
"I don't know!" Cadance wiggled her still bound hooves. "Anywhere is better than here."
"Anywhere it is." They vanished.
Cadance landed roughly in grass, rolling with the momentum with oofs and grunts. "Ow... Um... You still there?"
"Here," groaned out the new Cadance. "No creeps." The new Cadance rose to her hooves. "Now... Where am I? What am I? Who am I?" She walked over to the original Cadance and began untying them with a glowing horn. "While we're on it, what did I just do, and how did I just do it?"
Cadance shook her head, freed. "I don't know. I don't even know that spell. You can teleport?!"
Without panic, the new Cadance tried to do the spell again, but she had no idea how she did it the first time. "Um... not... working?"
Cadance hugged her copy. "Doesn't matter! Thank you. Thank you so much!"
The new Cadance frowned at first, but relief washed over her as a hesitant smile spread onto her face. Whatever mysterious power woke her into being seemed intent on protecting this innocent filly that was her source.
She rested her chin on young Cadance's head as they hugged. "Of course... I couldn't let anything happen to you." A warm, protective affection welled up inside. Was this what having a sister felt like?
Cadance eventually pulled back, looking up at her with watery eyes. "We have to get back to the castle! Princess Celestia has to know there are bad guys trying to copy ponies with evil magic!"
New Cadance nodded firmly. "Right!" She glanced around the misty forest surrounding them uncertainly. "...Which way is the castle?"
Cadance giggled in spite of everything. "This way, silly!" She grabbed New Cadance's hoof, leading the way down a worn path. "We're not far..."
New Cadance smiled affectionately as she followed her counterpart. She had many unanswered questions - chief among them, just who she was and why she'd been created. But for now, helping this spunky filly was purpose enough.
They came across Canterlot, both trotting up to the gatehouse.
The pony that worked there looked quite confused. "Um... Princess Cadance. Princess Cadance is standing next to you." He wasn't even sure which of the two he should be directing that at.
"I'm new." The new Cadance pointed at herself. "And a little lost, but we're together."
"And we have to get to the castle." They sounded exactly the same. This was natural, both having the same throats and everything else. "This is very important."
Cadance led the way inside, both winding through the streets, racing for the castle as one determined unit.
New Cadance slid in closer. "Ponies are pretty good at running fast..."
Cadance perked an ear at her new sister. "Yes they are. That's a funny question... What are you comparing them to?"
New Cadance frowned, just the clops of their hooves on cobblestones to keep them company for a time. "I had two legs and two feet, not hooves. I wasn't this fast. It's neat."
But there was a downside. A human could walk with purpose all day long. As a pony, Both Cadances were starting to pant for breath as they rushed up to the gate of the castle.
There were two guards there, equally amazed at there being two Cadances.
The guards glanced between each other in shock before one finally stepped forward. "Princess Cadance? Is that...also you?" He peered closer at New Cadance.
The original Cadance shuffled a hoof self-consciously. "It's complicated. But we need to speak to Princess Celestia right away!"
New Cadance nodded eagerly beside her. "There are evil ponies doing forbidden magic in the Everfree Forest!"
Original Cadance nudged her sister. "That wasn't there, I don't think. We were in the castle."
The guards shared an uneasy look. "Dark magic, you say?" One guard turned, signaling to the others. "Escort the princesses to the throne room at once!"
As they were swiftly led inside, New Cadance leaned in to whisper to Cadance. "Should we tell them I'm...not really the princess?" She still wasn't sure of her origins herself. Calling herself royalty felt strangely ill-fitting.
Cadance glanced back in surprise. "Of course you're a princess! You're me, silly!" She gave her a playful nudge. "And once Princess Celestia hears what happened, I just know she'll figure out how to help you..."
New Cadance smiled softly back. Cadance's innocent faith that things would work out was catching.
But there was Celestia, looming large over the entire throne room despite only occupying her throne in the middle of it. Her penetrating gaze upon both Cadance's. Her horn glowed softly as they approached, washing over them. Unlike the cultists, it was like the softest of feathers were brushing over them. Her magic was a kind magic.
"My little ponies." She leaned forward, somehow becoming even larger. "I can feel there is a... considerable story before us. Guards, bring drinks for these fillies. Then, please, tell me what happened."
David, you spoil us. So many good stories...
Another great story starter.
Well that sounds like a very interesting story, I'll be sure to follow it.
As always your fics manage to take my attention
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I can't take all the credit here. My lovely patrons toss fine story seeds at me and I eagerly plant them in the ground and sing a song of writing until a narrative tree sprouts.
If I had a nickel for every time a fimfic writer wrote a story of a member of the crystal empire’s royalty receiving an identical twin sibling of dubious origin, I’d have *two* nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
In all good fun though, this story *does* have some similarities to Flygon’s ongoing fimfic: ‘A Fateful Flurry’, which is a similar principle albeit with Flurry Heart rather than Cadence.
This was a great first chapter can't wait to see the next
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I will admit, I was glancing sidelong at that other story featuring as I wrote this. I did not read that one though.
Here we go, again.
Well, I'll see what kind of story this one will be.
I hope this isn’t a story about a guy in a mare’s body who can’t figure out whether he’s a man or a woman.
Interesting. It's a bit worrisome how the new Cadance seems to know their body to some degree better than the original. I hope there is some explanation and it's not just ignored.
Please let the human be a girl because it’s so rare on Fimfic
Interesting take. Wondering if that Flurry story was inspired by it?
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The commissioner assures me that they had this story seed planned for years
11771953
Not sure what you mean by “seec” is that a word?
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Seed
The fun has been doubled lucky Shining Armor
There are two Cadance…
There are two Sparkle siblings…
The older one got laid…
The younger pretty much hold onto virgin card forever…
Time to change that.
If dating big bro of the filly she’s babysitting is acceptable… then why not the guy’s little sister too?
previewsworld.com/SiteImage/MainImage/STL075856.jpg
Longterm investment.
m.media-amazon.com/images/I/812uShBqyzL.jpg
Legal, and not feeli like reading garbage lolicon’s fantasy somehow…
Great! A good strong opening! Now let's see you capitalize on this great opening. I look forward to your next chapter
For as much as I want to say this is an interesting premise, I really can’t.
I see a lot of praise for this, and while I do think your general writing is good, the actual storytelling is rather dull.
The premise of ‘create a clone of Cadance and have them live together’ is hardly as interesting as it could be, and it very much needs some additions to the world that don’t yet exist to truly make it interesting.
After all, with this chapter so far, I can’t see this becoming anything other than a SoL fic where the two Cadances just get up to trouble and little else.
The only point against that here is the question of what exactly the new Cadance is, but that is a rather small question in the grand scheme of things.
However, that’s not the main issue I have here; no, that would be the actual way all of the events transpire in a very quick and boring manner.
You seem to have just taken the outline and made a story with it, not properly fleshing out each event in detail to let the reader immerse themselves in each situation.
You had Cadance sitting around before the cultists just kidnap her with no resistance, and no real buildup. No guards trying to stop them before or after they kidnap a literal princess, nor even a description of where she lives.
In the forest that we also have no clue how they got to or even how far away it is, the cultists do something that’s also not described, and then it maybe goes wrong in some unknown way, and then the clone flies away to ‘the castle’, and… well, you should get the point by now.
You simply need to be more descriptive in your storytelling, pointing out where things are, what precisely is happening, and actually let it sit for a moment to let things sink in.
This story could’ve—and probably should’ve—been several thousand words long, yet it’s been crunched and sanded away into two thousand.
Please note that I say all of this with the intent to help you improve, as very few comments actually contain constructive criticism in any way. I am being somewhat harsh here, but that’s because I am being honest and pointing out the flaws that ought to get fixed.
Most readers here probably aren’t even capable to noticing something wrong, and that’s not their fault, it’s just that I have literal years of experience here that they do not, and I am going to use that experience to help others improve their writing as much as I can.
Dawg, this is just that Flurry Heart story but replaced with Cadance.
I'll give it a chance, but still.
Far too much happened in this chapter to be encapsulated in 2000 words. The fact that this even needs to be said is astounding to me. There was no build up. To anything. It was just a string of plot points with no connecting threads. Y'know, plot threads? Not to mention all of the hand-waving of consequences.
How about the literal kidnapping that happened in the castle? The unicorn kidnapper fled the scene on hoof, how did nopony notice? How did an overtly suspicious character even get into the same wing of the castle that Cadence's room was in, much less get to her door with knowledge that it was her room, and be allowed to knock on it without being stopped? The kidnapper was dressed in a stereotypical cartoon criminal's cloak.
Why did Cadence and Cadence return to a castle not on high alert? Why, when Cadence and Cadence arrived in the throne room and meet with Celestia, was she not in the midst of some combination of fretting or worrying or mama-bearing because there was a literal kidnapping and Cadence was missing from her room?
Far too rushed. Far, far, far too rushed.
There are 8k words of story crammed into 2k words here and it certainly reads like it.
I'd be more forgiving if this was a rookie author with their first story trying to get their eye in for writing. (Balancing brevity vs description, as well as trying to plan out the pace of your story can sometimes be difficult if you are new to writing.)
But you have more than 120 stories to your name (some of them are really good) and have been on this site for more than a decade.
You are a better author than this David, I know you are. These are rookie errors.
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Cadance stepped out of her room briefly, returns to a castle on high alert. In what episode of the show is Celestia or the castle shown to react this way?
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With Cadence missing from her room without any record or word of an escort or sight of her anywhere in the castle? Not likely. Also, I find it very hard to believe that nopony saw anything. A report of a shady character in a dark cloak seen near her room? Multiple reports of a cloaked pony fleeing the castle carrying a squirming sack? No way nothing like that reached the ear of the High Princess. Even if it was meticulously planned out to the degree of mapping out guard routes and staff routines, stray paths, slip-ups, and sudden bouts of curiosity happen all the time. There's also no way a Princess's room wouldn't have constant, if discrete guard, or that a ritual involving alicorn magic wasn't detected by anypony even if all else somehow went entirely as planned.
Oh, speaking of. A dark ritual involving alicorn magic. How did the High Princess never receive word that some shady characters were acquiring the required reagents? No way stuff for that kind of spell wouldn't be controlled/monitored substances at the very least, likely at least some of them outright forbidden. And no High Princess capable of keeping her country together for a millenium wouldn't have eyes and ears in the black market.
All this to say there were probably a number of more believably ways of achieving this outcome. None that I can think of off the top of my head mind you, but still.
11772471
One person snatched a filly and fled the scene. No loud noises alerted anyone. It was done quickly. No alerts were raised.
There was no gang of cloaked people, they waited at the ritual room and performed the ritual once the key ingredient was placed there.
Did it feel fast? It was fast. I'm glad I captured that frantic rate. Celestia was gentle and slow, and things slowed down as they approached her, causing the chapter to end.
11772481
...Yeah, okay. Really my second comment was just nitpicking.
That reminds me of a poem i had to memorize in HS. It's a bit long to put here; PM me if you're interested.
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The whole 'It's too rushed' thing is a bit premature in my opinion. This more or less qualifies as the prologue, we're pretty much stuck with Cadance's PoV for the majority of the chapter, of course we're gonna miss out on details Cadance isn't aware of. I mean, sure two-thousand words is a smol Chapter, but things are still unfolding. There's plenty of opportunity to find out the why (given our dear author puts in the work).
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Wait, it is? All my chapters are 2k! Oh no...
11772504
Well, yes. Smol and cute and way too short for my word gluttony. :P
I'll admit I wasn't going to read this...I'm already in one or two "human is now a clone of a pony" stories but then I realized it was a story with a...Silver...lining and decided I'd read it.
11772571
I see what you did there...
11772481
You also could point out the two greatest weakness of military or security. Boredom of the guards because nothing ever happens on their long and tedious shifts, so they really aren't paying attention. And the even worse problem. The mindset of knowing for a fact that no one in their right mind "Would Ever Attack" this highly fortified and heavily secured fortress / building / laboratory. Because everyone thinks no one would do it, security slacks.
I don't find it unbelievable.
Monk
"Cooties! Of course, colts like him had cooties! Then again, she probably already caught them by now. Oh well, can't get more cooties if you already have them, right? Grabbing the colt’s hoof, she pulled herself up." -IsakeiAnon
Oooo another amazing story! 👏 absolutely love this concept can't wait to read even more
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Wish granted, with a second chapter.
This chapter is uhh... really fast paced. Like, speedrunning fast. Needs more details, characterisation, and a bit of worldbuilding before the inevitable kidnapping. Maybe show us an A and B plot where the A plot is the cultist kidnapper and their allies studying Canterlot Castle's defences, guard rotations, etc. to determine the perfect moment to strike and a little bit of Cadance's POV as she explores the idea of having a sibling while showing us a bit of her princess duties. Interchange POVs between the two of them when necessary. The B plot can either explore what the human soul experiences before being put inside Cadance's cloned body or provide details on the rest of the cultists, their members (could include traitorous nobles and foreign agents to spice things up), how they plan to do the ritual, etc.
tl;dr Story is too fast paced. Slow down, add more details. Show, don't tell.
11876278
It is meant to be a whirlwind of confusion. It slows down.
Idle wish granted!
This sounds like a vary round about spell that blears the line between golemancy and necromancy. I'm also not sure it should be called dark magic. Not to say the intent wasn't dark only the magic involved.
To make a perfect copy of a living being down to a primal level is one way to do it. There goal it to make a golem that acts out there will...only they aren't making a golem. They are creating life and that life needs a soul. One that they could have filled with one of there own or just rip the soul out of the original Candace to fill the copy. I mean already went this far so why stop half way? In theory the spell intent of ripping out the soul would have stopped this new problem they have.
I guess there not vary smart to begin with. The better option would be to swap souls and BAM cult leader Candace mean nameless smug on the ground!