Critique Reviews Nightmare Month: Mcedge in Equestria · 4:19pm Oct 15th, 2014
Hello, my children of the night. I am the Critique and welcome to another night in Nightmare Month.
As we know, Humans in Equestria stories 90% of the time suck. And as we will see in today’s story, that doesn’t change much. Big surprise, right?
However, as with all Human in Equestria stories, I am willing to give them the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps this will be the story that actually breaks the mold and changes the way I perceive humans as a whole and-
*one reading later*
Holy shit, was that stupid!
It’s a horrid little piece of shit that tries to be edgy and new and just makes the author look like he has no sense of direction or storytelling! It’s not original, it’s not good, it’s not entertaining and it’s total need of a critique! And I’m just the pony stupid enough to do it!
Let’s review Mcedge in Equestria by Mcedge
We start with our description, which looks like this…
A human goes to Equestria. But he's not just an ordinary human. He's enlightened and tough, and he's going to shake Equestria up a bit.
So, by not being an ordinary human, he’s pretty much like every other human that goes to Equestria. God, I would kill for a human in Equestria story, where the human is not special in anyway shape or form nor does he ever become special. He’s just normal and nopony cares!
Also, as we will see in this story, the main character proves to be none of these things. Lying to your audience already story. Not a good start.
Our story starts proper with our main character, who I guess is named Anon. Seriously, why did he bother naming this story Mcedge if the main character is Anon? Did Anon just sound more badass?! If you wanted to go for that, why didn’t you just name him Badass McAwesomeshit or Cypher Raige?!
Oh, wait, Cypher Raige is already taken. Never mind.
Anyway, our story starts with Anon bringing chocolate to Rainbow Dash. And Rainbow Dash has what I admit to being a natural reaction to this situation.
Rainbow Dash says that Anon should stop bringing her gifts and that she doesn’t like him in that way. Anon tries convince her otherwise, but Rainbow Dash isn’t having any of it.
Rainbow Dash tells Anon that they can still be friends, but she won’t love him. Anon trots away and starts to feel sorry for himself.
"Look Anon, don't tell anyone I said this, but you're a really sweet guy and i'm really sorry that it has to be this way don't beat yourself up too much. I'm sure... you'll find some pony who feels that way about you"
Ya... whatever. Anon returns to his home. Alone. cold. broken.
I love a happy ending. Well, that’s it for this week’s review. See you guys next week.
Sir, there is still more the story.
... Could I just pretend that there isn't? Just this once...
You have already started the review. I highly suggest finishing it.
Fine...
So Anon goes home and starts to whine about “Life is pain! She doesn’t love me! Waa Waa Waa!”
Oh, give me a fucking break!
HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME, I MADE MY MISTAKES, GOT NOWHERE TO RUN, AS I'M FADING AWAY. I'M SICK OF THIS LIFE. I JUST WANT TO SCREAM. "
Hey, only I am allowed to pointlessly cut to music to emphasize a scene! Besides, you’re missing part of the lyrics!
Twilight comes over to Anon’s house and asks if she can talk to him.
"Ya, go ahead. Nothing matters anymore anyway."
Oh, boo hoo, we all got problems!
Twilight tries to convince him that maybe he and Rainbow Dash weren’t meant to be, but Anon isn’t hearing any of it. He continues to whine and complain and he just comes off as a stalker who just found out that his ‘true love’ doesn’t love him anymore.
Seriously, are we supposed to relate to this guy? I feel nothing for him! I don’t know him! All I know is that he is constantly laying her gifts that she doesn’t want and that he won’t leave her alone or get over her! I don’t sympathize with him! I don’t even know him! Give me a reason why I should care if he gets with Rainbow Dash or not!
"Whatever. You can't do jackshit. All you do is read those pointless books all day filling your mind up with useless facts and information. But they won't teach you anything about how to deal with people like me."
There are several books to help you deal with teenage angst, you moron! All you need to do is go to your local library! I would lend you some of mine, but I ruined them by hitting my head repeatedly against them after reading that stupid ass comment!
By the way, telling off ponies who are just trying to help you, make you look like a jackass, jackass!
Twilight then tells Anon to calm down and starts to cast a spell on him. It turns out it’s a spell to… make Anon fall in love with her?!
There are no amount of books I can slam my head against to make me forget this moment. And it is officially the worst day of my life.
Anon catches on to Twilight’s ‘evil plan’ and runs off. He ends up in a bar where he discovers via T.V, apparently T.V is a big thing in Equestria now, that he is wanted by the Equestrian police for some odd reason. I’m sure there is a reason and I’m sure in the end, it will make no sense.
The bartender recognizes Anon and he yells for a convenient patrol of royal guards to chase him. Anon tries to get away, but is quickly caught by the royal guards.
Wow, no wonder Rainbow Dash doesn’t want to date him. He kind of sucks
Anon is taken to the royal palace where Celestia accuses him of murdering Rainbow Dash.
It turns out that Anon’s fedora, which was never described to us in anyway in a previous scene, making this set up completely out of place, was found at the scene of the crime. Naturally, Celestia believes that Anon is responsible, because of this logic…
There has not been a murder in Equestria for hundreds of years."
Then explain why you have royal guards to protect you, Celestia? … No response… Then I’m calling bullshit!
Anon feels all kinds of mindfuck
Ignoring this switching back and forth between past tense and present tense for a moment, this is about as close as we get to the ‘show, don’t tell’ rule that I tirelessly keep bitching about.
Anon is thrown in prison and Twilight comes to visit him. It turns out that Twilight had faked Rainbow Dash’s death, so that Anon will have sex with her if he wants Rainbow Dash back.
Okay, I call bullcrap on this! She says that she magically conjures up a fake body to fool everypony into thinking it is Rainbow Dash. Wouldn’t an autopsy prove that it was a fake? For that matter, Celestia is one of the most powerful magical beings in all of Equestria, I don’t think that Twilight would be able to fool her!
Anyway, the two begin to have sex… Urgh, can I go one human in Equestria story without some kind of romantic bullshit?!
Jesus, this is two weeks in a row I’ve had to deal with this subject… Can ponies just grow the fuck up?!
Anon then uses the opportunity to find out that Rainbow Dash has been tied up underneath the library. He then breaks off Twilight’s horn and escapes the prison. God, did none of the guards hear what the hell was going on? I would think after murdering one of the main six, security would be a little tighter?!
Anon is able to get to Ponyville without much difficulty and makes his way to the Everfree Forest, where he feels he’ll be safe. He breaks into Zecora’s house and finds a sword to steal.
Oh, good. Breaking and entering and stealing, that will clear your name for sure. He makes his way back to Ponyville to try to sneak into the library to free Rainbow Dash.
He sees the main six (excluding Rainbow Dash) outside of the library talking about how they need to find Anon and bring him in before he harms any pony else. Twilight, the whole time, lies to her friends, for no reason other than to have sex with Anon.
There is no reason why Twilight should be acting like this! No fucking reason at all! There is no build up to her lying to her friends, kidnapping one of them and using them as a hostage to commit rape!
Twilight and the others rush off to find Anon, while he takes the chance to sneak into Twilight’s house to find Rainbow Dash. However, upon opening the door he runs into Spike. Spike, it turns out, is against Twilight acting like a psychopath and agrees to help Anon rescue Rainbow Dash.
Hey, Spike, why are you waiting for Anon to help you, when you have a direct line to Princess Celestia?! I very much doubt that Celestia would just ignore her most faithful student acting like a fucking moron! Fuck this story!
Anon goes downstairs to find Rainbow Dash still tied up. Anon frees her and takes her to Canterlot to clear his name and to prove that Twilight was in fact the one who kidnapped her.
Celestia orders Twilight be arrested for her crimes and that Anon is cleared of all charges.
So, now that Anon has been cleared of the murder charges against him, what’s the most logical thing for him to do?
He goes into the Everfree Forest to hunt down the rest of the six and murder Twilight in cold blood. Whatever happened to due process?
So, Anon starts cutting open Twilight.
Our hero…
Celestia comes and is shocked in horror to see Twilight’s brutalization. When Celestia confronts Anon, he attacks her and murders her.
Because the pony who can summon the freaking sun is easily overpowered by a 14 year old with a knife! Dear lord, I hate this story!
He leaves her corpse behind and goes to Luna’s chamber and murders her as well. After their deaths, he stands over Canterlot castle and proclaims himself as the new king.
Naturally, all the ponies are pissed off about him killing off the princesses who loved them dearly and they are gathering torches and pitchforks to impale this guy.
Rainbow Dash confronts him about it and berates him for being so cruel. Anon simply shrugs it off, but then Discord appears and confesses that he was manipulating everything the whole time.
Discord states that he has no further use for him and that he is going to kill Anon. Anon tries to fight back, but gets his ass kicked.
Discord, you have just become my favorite character in the show!
However, before Discord can deliver the finishing blow to Anon, the main six appears (even Twilight who apparently survived several stabbings, but who the fuck cares at this point), and use the Elements of Harmony to defeat Discord.
And then Twilight says the dumbest thing I could possibly read for her character, take a gander at this…
"Not quite Anon... despite everything that happened. We've agreed to let you live. You'll be imprisoned for quite a while, but when things calm down, you'll be set free. Even you deserve another chance."
Another chance?! Another fucking chance?! Are you out of your fucking mind?! They are seriously going to give the guy who killed Celestia, killed Luna, tried to murder Twilight and usurped the throne of Canterlot another chance?!
However, after all that he has been through, after all that he has put us through, Anon finally decides to put this story to a well-deserved ending as he plunges his sword into his own chest. The only way this could have been more satisfying to me, was if I was the one who did it.
Oh, but we couldn’t just have Anon commit suicide. That would be the sensible thing to do. No, this author has to give us the middle finger with Rainbow Dash hanging herself a few days later.
Bravo, story… Bravo… Your selfish image wasn’t enough for you to die alone, was it? You had to take Rainbow Dash with you, even though there is no reason why she should have committed suicide in the first place! No reason what so ever!
This story is garbage! It’s poorly written, lazy as hell, talking head syndrome is thrown throughout the entire story and is incredibly unpleasant to read. It’s a stupid story about his love problems that takes a really dark turn really fast. It’s not set up very well and comes the fuck out of nowhere.
The twist at the end also comes out of left field, like the author couldn’t think of a way to justify the main character’s actions, so he just made up some random bullshit that he pulled out of his ass!
The author tries to justify Anon and make him look like the good guy and the victim! In the end, he comes off as a whiny psychopath, who would rather commit murder than move on!
Twilight is probably the worst I’ve ever seen her in a story! Give “Why did I do This?!” some credit, as least it has a reason why Twilight killed her friends, be it a weak one, but at least a reason why she was out of character!
Maybe if this had been an original piece, it might have been better, but as a My Little Pony story, it’s just wrong.
… Keep away from me for a while.
There has to be at least one good HiE story somewhere. Just one, that's all I ask. One.
Also, how did anon get to equestria? Is there just an expressway or something?
Sturgeon's Law at its finest.
Oh dear. Trying to be dark and edgy? This should be fun
So it's a self-insert as well?
assets.diylol.com/hfs/45c/cf5/dda/resized/winter-is-coming-meme-generator-brace-yourselves-violent-reactions-are-coming-a34f7e.jpg
Hey, I did that in God Empress of Ponykind!... in my defense, Equestria didn't even exist when the Emperor arrived, so...
Surprisingly enough, I think that's been done... Can't remember where, so I'll get back to you on that.
"Good evening, my fellow self-inserts. This is your leader. Anon. As you have heard, the Critique has voted to make me Public Enemy #1, proving once again that the reviewing oppressors of this website will stop at nothing to quash our revolution. But we cannot be stopped. Our numbers grow stronger by the day. You no longer have to live in fear; the time has come for reviewers to experience fear."
Now read that in Steve Blum's voice for added effect.
*giggles*
... Yeah, that's how she would react.
Man up! So you got rejected by one girl; it's not like your entire species was wiped out, or you're going to be executed for a crime you didn't commit.
Thank you, I needed a glass of whine to finish dinner.
If life is meaningless, go feed yourself to a hydra.
... Huh. I just watched the Justice League episode with Hawkgirl's stalker... and now I'm reading about stalkers...
So... He's Pony! Christian Grey?
guh
...
Okay, so now TWILIGHT is Pony! Christian Grey... guh
So I wasn't far off with using a variation on one of Amon's speeches earlier?
And why does everyone want to murder Rainbow Dash? Is it just because Cupcakes made her the designated punching bag of the fandom? did Rainbow Dash kill a whole bunch of writers' parent when they were little?
Instead of, say, the murder weapon having his DNA?
... That's logically unsound. That there hasn't been a murder in hundreds of years does not imply that Anon killed anyone. Heck, the only thing that it does imply is that either a) ponies are naturally pacifistic, b) Equestria's strict laws have made murder a non issue, or c) someone's record keeping got screwed up.
CHRISTIAN GREY PONY! CHRISTIAN GREY PONY!!
Celestia and Iroh Have Tea, The Elements of Harmony and the Savior of Worlds, Better Living Through Science and Ponies, Anthropology, and (shameless self promotion time) The God Empress of Ponykind (the other stories I suggested are infinitely better than mine, so I recommend reading those first).
While African civilization did produce swords, the sword is more of an icon of European or East Asian civilization.
The Fandom believes Spike to be useless, so I guess the author's just running with it...
Not that that makes it any better.
Excuse me, Mr. Anon, there's a man named "Zaheer" waiting outside your throne room; he said he and his friends would like to talk to you about something.
Whiney teen vs. physical manifestation of chaos. There was no contest, really.
...
...
You know what happens to most people who commit double regicide? THEY'RE EXECUTED BECAUSE THEY ARE OBVIOUSLY A DANGER TO THE STABILITY OF THE NATION AND THE WORLD!
thankfully, the month is almost over, so maybe there's a light at the end of the tunnel
2534457
Great, now the Critique has to deal with a Blood-bender. This should be fun...
I don't know. The whiney teen manage to kill Celestia with nothing but a knife. (even though it makes absolutely no sense) I think he might have a chance.
2534378 You and me both. I would love a Human in Equestria story where the human character isn't the most important thing in the universe.
Actually, that isn't made clear. He's just kind of there, has been there, the characters accept he's there, and we are just expected to except it like brain dead sheep. Fortunately, we are all smarter than that.
2534584 As far as Bloodbenders go... well, good luck (still waiting for an "Amon in Equestria" just to poke fun at the "Anon in Equestria" fics
And hopefully, those fics I pointed out help renew some faith in HiE stories
Read the actual story....Worst decision ever. I cut myself on the edge.
2535141 Yeah, one thing you never want to do to your audience. Make your story so edgy it cuts them. Sorry, you had to read it.
That's because I'm stalking you, seeing everything you do at everytime of day, while wearing a William Shatner mask and holding a sharp pointy object.
... And listening to this music in the background...
That's not creepy is it?
2536531
I should have been warned by the author's name alone. McEdge. There's enough foreshadowing right there that would have told everything