Reviewed first six chapters of Equestria's Strife

Rejecting

Whilst a distinct step up from most crossovers I've encountered, it still has problems that are not uncommon within the genre. This is a crossover with a show called Sword Art Online (which has it's own set of hilarious problems, by the way, but I'll tackle one thing at a time). Given what I expected from anything to do with SAO, I was actually more impressed than I had anticipated with this story.

It's about a guy named Animus, who, a long time after the events of SAO, goes back into the Nerve Gear thingie to have a chat with Kirito (who was a character. I'd describe his personality but I left my microscope at uni). Animus has been traumatized by the events of the game, and understandably so. Just like when I began watching SAO, I was looking forwards to seeing a bit of a character with some legitimate problems, which he'd have to overcome. And similarly to SAO, these are mostly ignored.

Animus feels like he's seriously not living up to his potential as a character. Whilst he's not annoying or aggravating, he's supposed to have all this baggage about the previous game... but this emotional baggage only turns up when Twilight talks to him about it. It's not something that has to be overcome. It more feels like an excuse for him to not make friends easily, at least where Twilight is concerned. I feel the story is trying to make me understand that he's a troubled character, without actually hindering his progress: his flaws aren't actually all that limiting, and it makes him much less entertaining because of it.

One of the other problems that keeps coming up is character introduction. I have this problem almost every single time with crossovers, and a lot of HiE. Since the main character doesn't know the characters, each time someone (or pony) comes up, they get given a quick description of their physical appearance. These don't tend to vary beyond 'pegasus, pink mane, yellow coat'. Sometimes they'll go out of their way to describe clothing or eye colour. Observe:

Propped up on one knee was a pegasus mare with a pale yellow coat and a light pink mane.

A broad-shouldered giant of a man with dark skin and a bald head.

She had beautiful amber hair that flowed down around her face, complimenting the subtle off-white hue of her clothes, which was further offset by small portions of deep scarlet.

That last one is much better than the first two, admittedly. Even so, I feel I've explained my point. It gets worse since most of the characters introduced so far (like Fluttershy and Applejack, not to mention a couple of SAO characters or OC's I can't remember) don't influence the story in the slightest at the time of their introduction. Every time one of them comes up, it's purely to introduce the character, which makes the actual story (in which all of Equestria is turned into a video game of sorts) grind to a halt while we rattle off their physical appearances and whether they're good people or not. I'd have loved for the story to only introduce the characters that are necessary to the story at hand. While Twilight is learning to use casts, don't stop to watch Applejack selling apples. Instead of watching some kid with a broadsword defend Fluttershy, have Twilight and Animus have to help them and keep the village together in order to survive, instead of being onlookers.

This would have had a much better effect on how the story progresses: as it is, it feels disjointed, as it starts and stops in order to introduce characters we don't actually need.

That's not to say the story is nothing but a check-list of flaws. In fact, the prologue was very promising: I was rather taken with the fight scene it had. It made decent use of the mechanics for the new game and had some legitimate stakes. Whilst it was nothing particularly groundbreaking in terms of originality, there was no difficulty in getting invested in the fight. Twilight's life was at stake in a dangerous environment, and the fight was decently written. I was okay with it.

It's also obvious that a lot of thought went into the mechanics of the game. Whilst I personally don't think it was necessary (SAO having game mechanics because it was programmed, whilst Equestria is a real, organic place) the story did adequately show the game mechanics like menus and casts take over the environment, and came up with a long list of rules to follow. It had quite nice attention to detail which is to the story's credit.

I do also think that many of the characters learn (or re-learn) these skills much too fast. Observe Animus:

It had been a long time since he had last fought, but his virtual body remembered the motions.

This is despite him having spent most of SAO in the town of beginnings, where there was very little actual fighting.

He’d rarely left it, and most of his time had been spent in the first city, the Town of Beginnings. He was just a kid back then, after all.

Twilight also learns the ins and outs of the game very quickly, and Animus and the others learn about Equestria incredibly quickly too. It only takes a quick tip from big, bald and black (I like to call him Tiffany) to understand how economics would change. Instead of having to continuously work together, humans and ponies alike adapt far too quickly, in my opinion.

"Ah, shoot. Trapped in a game again. You'd think we'd have been more careful this time."

"Yeah, well, shit happens. Hey, you think we could get a pint later?"

"Who knows how long we'll be in here this time. Might need two. Okay, lads, form up! You know the drill. Any new players, go sit with the other noobs, we'll get you an experienced player in a jiffy. And someone find out how to unlock 'Pony Riding' as a skill. I have it in my menu, but it's all grey, and I think that cavalry might be worth investigating."

The writing itself is usually fine, if a little bland. A few typos here and there, a bit of telling now and then, but nothing aggravating. It's really how the story stops itself every few minutes that's making me reject it. There is one weird thing, though. In chapter six, this happened:

"Awesome, another pony!" said the woman that had so abruptly accosted the hoof. Her dark pink eyes gleamed from behind her auburn bangs as she looked Twilight over intently. "You've gotta
tell me, what kind of Casts do you have. Are they swords? A spear? Axe? Don't keep me in suspense here!"
Twilight jerked her hoof back reflexively at the sudden contact. "Huh? W-what?" she stammered.
"Lisbeth, dear, please calm yourself. You're hardly acting very lady-like," a unicorn mare with an alabaster coat and an elegant coif(?) of purple hair stepped from behind the woman. A light blue glow from her horn quickly swatted the grabby hands away from Twilight's hoof.
The veritable giant of a human shook his head, "I know you're really excited about the Casts in this game, Lisbeth, but you really can't go around yanking everyone by their arm just to see them all."

The formatting went completely wrong. As in, no spaces between the lines or indentation. Not only is this completely different to what had previously been done (lines between paragraphs) but without indents, it's also incorrect formatting. I'd really like any instances of that fixed.

One other thing: unlike a few crossovers, I didn't feel like this one relied on it's crossover material all that much. Previous events are explained and although I didn't like the character popping up for little to no reason, their backstories were given a cursory glance, and you could guess and figure out the rest rather efficiently. It handled that aspect well enough, at least in my opinion.

So, to sum up: it has flaws and problems. Just like the show it's based off, it has potential and some impressive attention to detail, but it's introducing characters in a way that slows down the actual story, and the protagonist's problem isn't actually a factor at all. Characters are learning things far too quickly for what's happening to them (also like in SAO, where learning dual wielding is something that happens overnight) and it's could be written a little better. I'd like for the story to hold off on introducing some characters, or introduce them in a way that lets them contribute, instead of appear and then just hang around.

And the weird formatting thing really should be fixed. I don't know what happened there. The whole thing is just a bit too clumsy for my liking at present.

Reviewing Still Remains

Accepting

More a character analysis than an actual story, I read Still Remains a while back on another group I recently started doing things for, so I figured I might as well knock it out of the way now.

It's a story about Discord and Tirek. It sheds more light on some of the reasons Discord may have betrayed his 'friends'. These reasons include Tirek seducing him.

I am aware that the M/M in this story will probably be a turnoff for most, but the story isn't defined by the 'romance' between Tirek and Discord. It's about things Discord has forgotten, and how easily he can be manipulated by someone who is more likely to show him affection... and looking at Discord's character, it's very obvious he wants (or even needs) attention.

Whilst I personally feel the cartoon managed the event just fine (given the usual tone of the show) it did interest me to consider how lonely Discord might have become. This is something that the story approaches, without hitting me over the head with it, and it's the strong point of the fic.

If it had a major flaw, it'd be how it relies on sticking to the episodes. We get re-shown bits from Twilight's Kingdom, particularly the bits with Tirek. I was never a fan of that kind of thing, but since they're short, I got over it. The new spin that the story adds to them also helps retain my interest.

And that's more or less it. Like I said, it's less of a story than taking a look at how vulnerable someone with Discord's mind could be. It ends with him learning a bit about himself, though, and others about him too, which does mean that it wasn't a pointless trip.

At the very least, I think it's interesting enough for the Bin. The pacing works well, the writing is adequate, and it's quite thought provoking.

Reviewed A Heart Encased in Stone

Rejecting

The only reason I'm rejecting this one is simply because I'm not sure which direction it's trying to take at present: I don't have enough material to properly make an informed decision. However, I can say that I'm more than hopeful. The writing is solid, the characters are well introduced, and the setting fits in with canon quite well.

It approaches both sides of the friendship argument well enough, I'd say (although had I been part of the debate, a more fitting conclusion might have arisen). Coalstone (a character who strikes me as pretty well rounded so far) is of the opinion that friendship is a waste of time, and that they always come undone. Sunset, despite the Anon-A-Miss incident, still has some faith in the idea of friendship, and is at present dedicated towards preserving it.

Which brings me to the main problem I have: since I don't know whether this is a trend that will continue or not, I can't really make many assumptions whether it will do it well or not. So far, Coalstone has been told that he should consider making friends and has met Sunset/Fluttershy. That's pretty much it, and he hasn't made much progress.

Granted, I'm happy he doesn't immediately become friends with them, and the story avoids the usual 'meets every main character respectively' so I'm ultimately hopeful. I just want another chapter or two published before I can properly make my decision: when more comes out, I'd like for the author to PM me so that I can (hopefully) reverse my decision.

Reviewing Quoth the Raven

I actually read a significant portion of this a while back, and it's been sitting on my 'get out of the way' list for way longer than it should. I'm just refreshing my memory and then I should be good to go (since I don't have access to my old notes, considering I left the group I wrote them on and it's listed as private now).

The review of Discords Apprentice should be written tomorrow.

Sorry for delays.

4618016 Meep.

Reviewed Quoth the Raven

Accepting

This is a story I looked at a while ago. Unfortunately, my memory being a complete swiss cheese, I forgot most of it. It's a story about Swirled Line, an artist with not much special about her... at least, until she dies in a fire and is offered a deal by a mysterious creature named Nevermore. He'll give her powers and a new shot at life, and thus begins the adventures of the Raven.

There are a bunch of superhero tropes in here, like the Raven being taken for a murderer in the press and having to learn how to use her powers. Honestly, though, I thought they felt well placed, and whilst you could call it unimaginative, it's also easy to enjoy and get swept up in. Her powers aren't extraordinarily novel: she has a sort of 'shadow power' that makes her stronger for a time. And she fights bad guys with it!

The pacing on the story is great. Each event segues into the next and it's all very crisp and clean. Almost too clean. One of my biggest problems with the story is it's sort of lack of identity. The writing draws absolutely no attention to itself, and whilst this means you can read without being jarred, ever, it also makes it a bit more difficult to be entertained. I'd have liked a lot more flair from the story, and more colour from it's characters. The only one that really stuck with me was Nevermore, and even then he wasn't much that was special.

So, like other stories, this one comes into the category where it's doing nothing outright wrong, but it has things that it could do better. A comfortable place for a story to be, granted, but I'd be lying if I thought the story couldn't be more memorable.

The grammar and writing is, like I mentioned, very crisp. There are no errors that jumped out at me, at least. In fact, there is very little to say about the story other than it does it's job, but doesn't really go above and beyond. I'd have liked for the characters who know Swirled to be more colourful and unique, I'd have liked a more flashy superhero, and a more deadly villain than a mob boss. It's not all boring, of course: I liked Swirled's relationship with the kid she saved, among others. And the stuff that's there isn't really boring, either: I just felt it could have gone the extra mile.

But what's there is certainly satisfactory, and given how easy it is to read the story, I think it's an easy thing to accept. Maybe it could have gripped my imagination more, but it's certainly a great story if you like superheroes, ponies, and pretty solid writing.

Reviewed: Discord's Apprentice

Discord was present during the aftermath of Tirek's attack, and he saw the rainbow the mane six created. But he also felt something else in the rainbow, something that should be impossible; a user of chaos magic. After research, he find's the source of the chaotic surge: Pinkie Pie.
Discord approached Pinkie, taking her under his wing and as his apprentice, and begins training her in the art of chaos magic.
However, doing so may have repercussion's no pony can foresee. For long ago, Discord struck an agreement with something, which may object to their Compromise being broken...

Before I begin, I want to agree with Architect's first author note: it is kind of surprising no one has ever done this before, because the idea is brilliant. I suspect it comes from most people associating Discord with Fluttershy rather than Pinkie... but the idea of Discord taking Pinkie Pie as an apprentice is fantastic, and very reminiscent of Mort... and any similarities to the (late and) great Terry Pratchett are always welcome in my book.

Discord and Pinkie are difficult character's to write on their own, so I imagine writing them at the same time would be a bit of a nightmare... in which case I have to offer kudos to Architect. His Discord is very reminiscent of the show. Unfortunately, I think it also works as the best demonstration of the difficulties of translating a character (who thrives in a visual medium) into a written one:

"Hmm. Maybe I was going off a bit half-cocked." His head tilted to one side and a smoking bullet fell out of his ear. "You know what, I think she should know what she is. I'll teach her. That's it, I'll teach her everything I know. I've never had someone to share my pranks with before, or someone who really understood the intricacies of magic the same way I do. I tried with dear Tia, but-" He sighed, gazing longingly at a picture of the Solar Princess stuffing her face in her private quarters. "She always had a stick up her rear when it came to stuff like that." He reached for his lower half, then thought better of it. "I'm crazy, not stupid." He swapped a dunce's cap for a straitjacket for emphasis. "And Fluttershy, bless her heart, just wouldn't comprehend it. It takes a special mind to Understand Chaos." The devil and angel on his shoulders both twirled their fingers beside their ears. "Anyway," Discord dismissed his props. "I might as well make my offer."

That is a lot of actions, striking one after another. It's very reminiscent of show!Discord -possibly a bit too many, even by his standards, but a fair representation of how he acts. In fact, I rather like Architect's description of the item's as props, and the idea that Discord's "randomness" is just a reflection of his thoughts and mood.
However... it can be a lot of images to absorb for a written scene, interrupting Discord's exposition with random prop comedy.

To be fair, this issue becomes less prevalent over the course of the story; the actions become a little slower and more fleshed out. From more recent chapters, for instance:

DOWN A BAKING UNIT!? Pinkie gasped. UNACCEPTABLE! "Don't worry, Mr. Cake, Fix-It Pinkie is on the case!" Pinkie proclaimed, donning a toolbelt and blue-collar shirt. She stepped up to the oven, and examined it from every angle. When that produced no clues on how to fix it, she close her eyes, focused, and Saw. She knew the kitchen gear operated on magic, which is why Mr. Cake was able to repair it, but until today she hadn't been able to see it. With her Sight open, the problem became obvious: somepony had made a sloppy heating knot during production, and it leaked excess energy that messed with the entire unit. Pinkie reached out, and with a few quick tugs, undid the knot and retied it neatly, like the bow on a present.

"Sorry, Brain, must have grabbed the wrong one," he said, taking the right object this time and sticking it in his ear. "See ya later, Brain! Have Fun!" With that, Pinky turned around and dove over the edge of the bench. Brain spotted him swimming up a stream of punch that was floating in midair before Brain lost him amid the shadows and flashing lights. A quick check on his equipment confirmed it was functioning normally, and with a nod of satisfaction, Brain pulled out a jetpack (since just walking across the floor would be extremely hazardous to his health) and soared out into the chaos.

There is still the 'random' and visual aspect to the comedy, but fleshing it out (or giving it comedic asides) make's it flow better, and gives it more of a punch- in fact, the parenthetical quip about Brain's health sounds rather Pratchett-y and made me smile.

It can be hit and miss -this example comes from the same time period, for instance

Discord stepped up to the podium wearing a tuxedo with a white bow-tie in front of an orchestra of fruit. The kumquats were on the strings, The pineapples played percussion, the bananas blew the brass, the watermelon whistled into the woodwinds, and a choir of grapes was standing at the ready. Discord tapped his baton against the musical score, and began to conduct.

and doesn't land because it link's to the concert Discord is conducting rather than describing it... but on the whole, Architect does become better with doling out the random asides as the story goes.

Just as the visual comedy can be hit or miss, the same can be said for the crossovers. There are times where it work's well - such as Discord's horror at Pinkie Pie animating broomsticks - and others which feel a little more intrusive (such as the current 'Warner Bros' arc)... but this might come down to personal preference. And -while a direct crossover is never really something I am interested in- it's difficult to deny the logic of having Discord interact with the Warner Bros characters... and him knowing the animaniac's is frakking genius.

Unfortunately... comedy, random and crossovers have a very subjective appeal. I have to confess that i found the three to be rather hit-or-miss at times... but that isn't a slight against Architect, who (for the most part) writes them well. It's just my preferences as a reader.

However, there is still a lot of stuff in this that I did like; primarily the characterization, and the slowly-developing meta-arc.

As I said, Architect's Discord is very reminiscent of the show in his deliver of jokes and one-liner's. However, the role he find's himself in is a pretty unique one, and it's interesting to see him adapt to being a teacher. At time's he can perhaps seem too successful, or too mature for the role... but as his introduction in the first chapter points out, he's basically forcing himself to be, to ensure that Pinkie Pie grows into her power's correctly... and even so, we still see his pranking and immature side in the way he treats Blueblood, and when:

"THIS IS NOT UP FOR DEBATE!" Discord shouted, poking Pinkie in the forehead, "SET A HOMING BEACON, AND DO IT NOW."

Pinkie's ears flattened against her head as she set to work with the instructions he'd just given her, both hurt and confused. He never shouted at her, no matter what happened, or how well she was doing. It was disconcerting to say the least. By the time she'd finished, Discord seemed to have cooled off, though he still looked stern.

"I'm sorry, Pinkie," he began, "I shouldn't have shouted at you. It's just," he sighed, staring off into the void, "I learned that particular lesson the hard way."

The "sympathetic Discord" angle is another one which might rub some reader's the wrong way, but in this case I feel it works, since the theme of Lonliness connects him and Pinkie Pie.

As I pointed out above, Discord laments that he tried to teach Celestia chaos magic, but she didn't have the mind for it. This echoes Pinkie's sentiments when her friends try to talk her out of her apprenticeship.

Pinkie cut her off, something she never did. "Well, now you're going to hear it. For all my life, I've known I wasn't normal." Pinkie twisted her hoof around and was suddenly holding a picture of her family. "I never quite fit in, and I never knew why. I tried my best to ignore it, because thinking about it only made me sad, but it was still there, waiting for a reminder." Pinkie stuck her leg out, the picture having gone missing at some point, and a phrase echoed through the air, each repetition done in a different voice. "Just Pinkie being Pinkie, Pinkie, Pinkie, Pinkie..." By this point her friends were in total shock, with their mouths open and ears flattened.

"You never tried to understand it, and no-" Pinkie added as Twilight started to speak, "your studies don't count. You gave up way too early, and worked off a faulty assumption that would never have gotten you anywhere. You set out to disprove my Pinkie Sense, instead of observing what I was doing and then coming up with possible explanations. You saw something that didn't make sense, and dismissed it as 'impossible.'" Here she made quote marks in the air, despite her lack of fingers. "Once you gave up, you just brushed it off, and never questioned it further, even when new evidence appeared that might have let you figure it out."

Pinkie stood and started walking towards the group, her eyes locked on Twilight. "Then Discord came, and gave me not only an answer to the question I had been struggling with my whole life, but offered to teach me about a side of myself I'd never even seen before. And you want me to just give it up?" She stuck her nose in Twilight's face, eyes flashing.

While I felt her immediate dejection in the first chapter -and her feelings of isolation- was a little heavy handed, I quite liked this moment. It add's depth to Pinkie's character, that she isn't 'just Pinkie' and oblivious to the world around her, and it makes her agreeing to become Discord's apprentice more sympathetic- just as Discord is excited to find someone else like him, Pinkie Pie is excited to find someone who finally understand's her.

Furthermore -just as she mirrors Discord in mentality here- there are slow hints throughout the story that Pinkie is starting to mimic him physically, with character's mentioning off-offhandedly that she is becoming taller, or that her tail is starting to split. It's still very much a background element -not even Discord, who should probably be the most aware of it, has commented on the changes- but it hints at the plot that lie's beneath the random comedy.

The scene with the Mane Six also parallel's the developments that happened between Celestia and Discord... except that where Celestia couldn't understand Discord, Twilight and friend's don't like Pinkie's decision, but they accept it.
Frankly... if there is one thing I dislike about this story, it would be Celestia's characterization. Her objections to Pinkie's position makes sense -again, hinting at the grander conspiracy of the Compromise- as does Discord's reasons for the apprenticeship.

"Discord, I told you, you have to stop this," she stated. "Equestria can't take another chaos user. The Compromise won't allow it."

"And I told you, Tia, that it's already too late," Discord retorted. "She's coming into her powers, and cutting it off now won't stop it. If anything, it will only make it worse, as she'll lack proper training." The globe he was holding fractured. "Besides, you know how lonely it gets being immortal. She's the only pony I've ever been able to really be myself around, and I think the feeling's mutual. Would you really break up a friendship like that?" He fiddled with some golden heart on a chain, but it wouldn't stop moving long enough for Celestia to get a good look at it.

"Graaaahhhh!" Celestia roared, and stormed out. The worst part was, she reflected, that he was right. She couldn't interfere without becoming a massive hypocrite. As much as she wanted to stop this threat before it manifested, the truth was where was nothing she could do. The only thing worse than another Discord is another Discord with no control over his abilities. As terrible as Discord's reign may have been, he at least restrained himself from killing anypony. If Pinkie lost control she'd have no such obstacle. Celestia could only pray that wouldn't happen.

It's a scene that I like, where both side's have valid points. I feel Celestia is a little too aggressive - but Celestia has so little characterization in the show that it isn't out of the realm of possibility (plus her very-canonical dislike of Discord in his first appearance). Again, I feel this is somewhat effective, particularly coming after Twilight and co's failed intervention. The breaking of Celestia and Discord's friendship (and their feelings for one another) has been a running theme for the earlier chapters of the stories, most especially when the group get's dinner together...

But then this happens:

Then she froze as she remembered something, an ancient backup plan that she'd never had to use, and had long since been discarded. Smiling darkly, she strode off in the direction of the palace vaults. She may not be able to do anything now, but that didn't mean she couldn't prepare for the worst.

I've made my opinion's clear before; I don't object to Tyrantlestia (or any Evilestia) on principle; I feel that it's a concept which can be explored.

Celestia as an antagonist makes sense for this story; we understand why she would be concerned about another Discord. Given the sort-of there Dislestia, I don't think that Architect is going for a full-fledged E for Evilestia route... but as a Celestia fan who has often seen Celestia made to look bad to make Luna or Discord look good, it does make me squint my eyes and wonder just where Architect is going with this story.

Given we don't know what is happening... it's premature of me to make a judgement of that. It might be that Celestia will have good cause for what she is doing; there have been numerous references to Pinkie's training throwing the System out of balance. Given that Twilight and her friends accepted Pinkie Pie, it might be foreshadowing that this story will involve Celestia making amends with Discord. Or it might be a case of lining up everypony else to oppose Celestia in later chapters.

I don't know- and I'm not judging based on it- but it is my one major reservation with the characterization.

As for the story line itself... there are a few on-going story threads. Pinkie's draconequification, Celestia's planning, the Compromise... all of which are contained within the meta-arc of Pinkie being trained by Discord. At the moment, however, those are are mostly background elements, with the story being more episodic. In a way, I like it -it actually rather suits the randomness of the Chaos magic to not have a structured story-line, and it certainly offer's Architect a lot of opportunity to explore things- like in the current chapters, where the characters are travelling through "the Great Bush" and reaching into other shows and crossovers... but I also have to admit that I tend to be a lot more intrigued by the myth arc stuff, and by the underlying plot elements. Again though; personal preference.

I fear I've come across too negative, so let me make this clear. This is a GOOD story; I enjoyed reading it. I liked the characterization of Discord and Pinkie Pie; I'm intrigued by the underlying story elements. I want to see what becomes of Pinkie's Draconequus-like transformation, what the awakening of the System means. I want to see what it is that Celestia is planning, and what becomes of it.
However, I also feel that this is a story which lends itself to a lot of subjective interpretations. Comedy can be hard to judge, since what one person finds hilarious, someone else doesn't- so while I may not have found most of this story uproariously funny, that doesn't mean someone else won't. While I might like to see more of the plot arc stuff, someone else might prefer the sort of episodic-style that things are in at the moment.

Neither of us would be wrong. Frankly, this is a story which I would recommend that people read and make up their own minds about, because a lot of it can either work or fall flat based on thing's that an individual themselves finds funny, or interesting, or wants to see.
As a work of writing, however -detached from that- I feel it works well. There are no spelling or grammatical errors that I noticed, I love the central concept of the, and the ideas it presents intrigue me as to it's future. I'm going to keep an eye on it, at any rate, and definitely look forward to the future of the story.

After a lot of thought...
Accept.
I have some issues with the story... but most of those are for subjective reasons. However, while it might not have landed perfectly for me, I still feel that it is a good story, and might work well for someone else.

4633406 Added to the relevant folders.

4633322 Rest assured, the sequel and those ones that follow will, hopefully, be bigger and better than the first in this series. We're definitely going to up the scale of what's at stake, that's for sure.

4633601 That'd be great: I'd love to see something like that.

Okay, reading: Past Shadows

I'm not expecting much, but who knows: I might get surprised.

4634513 There comes a point in one's life when one realizes one has seen pretty much every variation of a full-scale war in stories.

I have reached this geriatric stage of my brony-life. And at the tender age of 19, no less.

Reading: Twilight Falls, Sunset Dawns.

Read first three chapters of Past Shadows

Rejecting

It's a story that seems swept up in cliche, but also lacks imagination in how the tale is told, not to mention dry and dull to read. The story is about a pony guard named Weaponry who is dealing with some past trauma.

Now, usually I don't judge a character by their name. And I mean, this is possibly the first time I've taken a dislike to a name this strongly. It'd be like if Twilight was named Books, or Fluttershy was called Animals. It's devoid of poetry and every time I read it, the only image it conjures is a pile of weapons, not a character.

His conflict isn't exactly novel. Of course, he's a soldier, and of course, he has PTSD. Now, I'm not knocking PTSD, and never will. It's a serious condition. However, this idea has been done to death already, and there doesn't seem to be anything that separates this story from the army of other stories like it. He has the usual nightmares about some past location and sees somepony he knew get burnt away. Yes, I've seen it. So many times. It's not a new idea, and what makes matters worse is it feels like it's supposed to give the character depth. It doesn't: instead it just highlights how much of a cliche he is. If Weaponry had anything else memorable about him (maybe a sense of humour, or a conversation with another character that was interesting) I might give a damn, but he doesn't. He's a blank piece of wood with PTSD.

And of course, he goes around being traumatized and the main cast have to help him along, because he's a soldier and he knows war like they don't, please take me seriously. Again, nothing new or novel.

Even his description is dull.

Blood dripped from his brow and down his right eye which had an X-shaped scar over it.

Not the time to remark upon he X-shaped scar. Either focus on the blood, or the scar: both in the same sentence ends up being cluttered.

His flank had the mark of two swords in a crossed formation with a halberd going vertically while a spear went horizontally through them.

The descriptions are dry and feel more like reciting physical features for a wanted poster than a description for a story. It's not fluid and it comes off as clumsy.

The introduction to the story is incredibly abrupt. The first two paragraphs literally just throw the premise at me and then move straight to Twilight and her friends waiting for a train filled with guards. It doesn't help that those two paragraphs are incredibly dry and dull to read, not to mention clumsy but I'll get to that later.

The changeling threat feels shoehorned in, like the story needed a generic evil for Weaponry to fight. Now, I understand that I only read through the first three chapters... but the changelings have no build-up, they don't say anything, we don't even get a hint of their motivations... Even if they have motivation later on, there is no mystery built up in the beginning to make me excited to find out.

Now, all of the problems above could have been made easier to handle if the story was written better. The whole thing comes off as clumsy and wonky, with words that aren't used properly (jetted) and descriptive passages failing to convey any kind of mood or atmosphere.

“Thee Train, Thee Train,” Pinkie said.

As Dash jetted away from her friends

before jetting away

Two changelings changed towards unicorn, but instead of changing into him or another being.

He didn’t see that a rock behind him had changed into a changeling and suddenly jumped at him. Its fangs ready to peace his skin, but Rainbow saved the day by kicking the changeling in the jaw; it went flying into the air before correcting itself to fly away.

It seems he fears something that he might have to deal with in the futur.

“The past?” Twilight asked.

“Yes, what most ponies don’t know is: many of the guards who have entered into battle or into wars have flashbacks of them.

Me and Fluttershy can scout ponyville from the air

“I-I’m sorry to interrupt but could you please come with us back to the hospital?” Fluttershy nervously said.

The tower looked more like a cocoon with much smaller cocoons on it.

It's a very dry, disappointing description for what should set the mood and tone of what is supposed to be an intimidating structure.

The only thing I liked about the story was the way the guards used the train. I really like the idea of military trains connecting the nation of Equestria. Unfortunately, it's pretty much all I liked about the story. The story isn't really aggravating... but it's lack of originality in its premise and it's choppy writing makes it almost impossible for me to enjoy.

4636903 Thank you for taking the time to review the story. All the notes you have touched upon I'll use to make the story less cliche and make it flow better with less chunky paragraphs and a more in depth look into the changelings and the characters. I truly due appreciate your time in looking over the story.

4637012 Sweet. Send me a PM when you think you've gone over some of the important points, and I'll take a second gander.

4637178 it might take a while since I'll need to rewrite the whole story from scratch but I'll pm you when it is finished

Story: The Metal Condition

rating: 4/10

Chapters read: 1.5

status: rejected

This is my reaction to reading this story.

We're given a massive, fourth wall breaking exposition dump for the first scene that frankly could be removed entirely, and if I had been reading this story for pleasure instead of reviewing it I would have stopped after the very first sentence. It's cliched beyond belief, dropping a ton of overused story elements without adding any new twists on top of them. At least when I do something unoriginal I try to do a new version of it.

The grammar, sentence structure, and paragraph composition are acceptable, but frankly that doesn't make up for its other shortcomings. However, the things that really killed this story are the two following passages.

"Oh god damnit I'm a displaced!"

There is no possible way he knows what's happened, and no explanation is given to show otherwise.

"And that's the story of how I got here."

Metal Sonic is dropped directly into Equestria with only a single clue as to what happened to him: that he's never to trust a guy in a cloak again. Since the author would not be repeating himself, this would have been the perfect opportunity to explain Metal Sonic's past, (instead of in that stupid opening scene) and he ended up where he is without making it seem forced.

In other words, while the author has a passing grade on level six (surface) writing, and a rough understanding of level five (craft), he has no idea how to take an unoriginal concept and breathe new life into it. I'm not even including the fact that this is a Displaced story in the rejection (as that idea can and has been written very well) as it fails way before then. If I was in Rage Reviews right now I would be ripping this story to pieces, but as this is not there I will restrain myself.
4637178

Reading Second Chances for Death's Friends.

Again, my expectations are pretty low, but I've been surprised before.

It was a Tuesday.

4628434
4631588
Haha, a bit late in replying to this, since I haven't had computer access for a while, but overall, I absolutely love my review. You really cut to some actual issues with the basic structure of the story, rather than just getting criticism that some others have given me that says there is a problem without really explaining what it is aside from a broad issue. I may have been confident in my story, but I was expecting a rejection just as much as I could have seen it getting accepted in my head. The one thing that I was very much certain of was that it would be far from an utter offense to your senses as a great many crossovers seem to be. I'm very glad that I was able to impress you with my work, as I have put a lot of thought into it.

I'd also like to apologize for whatever the heck happened with Chapter 6. Seems I had some really weird formatting error on the Gdoc for it and it totally messed up the transcription to fimfiction. It's all fixed now.

On that note, I do see what you mean about Animus' trauma being to limited to his interactions with Twilight. While it is certainly a goldmine of material to work with, that material degrades if it doesn't have other aspects to help it along as well. I'm already trying to formulate options for rewriting the sequence of events while keeping it largely the same and smoothing out the pace a bit more. I'll be keeping the introduction of the kid Kai that you mentioned when he protected Fluttershy, because his interactions with Spike ends up being relevant in the What We Must Do arc, as they form a group of child warriors together. Other introductions, however, I will do what I can to cut down on in the early stages, and expand on their detail when the characters instead appear in later chapters. I'll remove the appearances of Sasha, Mia, Rainbow, Agil, and Applejack for sure. I miiiiight remove Rarity and Lisbeth, but their introduction has a lot of fun to it if I can cut out parts and shorten it up a bit. Plus they become relevant again in the What We Must Do arc as well, which I can use as their main introduction, even if I keep their earlier appearance brief.

Really, the characters I'll be keeping in the introduction sequence for now would have to be Pinkie, Fluttershy, Kai, and Kibau, as they are the most essential to the flow of the opening arc of the story. I'll add more depth to their introductions than the lame cursory glances I somehow thought were okay, so fewer introductions with more impact and less slowing of the pace. I'll also do what I can to try to make it so that Animus' trauma over the death of his brother affects him in more ways. I've been trying my best to avoid the dark and depressing overused tropes, but it seems I took it to the point of not letting it affect his behavior enough. And of course making learning more of an issue. Should just take a few tweaks is all. Does this sound like a good idea?

There's just one thing that you pointed out that I simply just haven't reached the point of explanation for in the story. The story does say that Animus spent most of the two years living in the town of beginnings, but he wasn't utterly devoid of combat experience. During the first month of the game, before his brother Diabel died, he was part of his brother's main party and they discovered the boss room together when their group was exploring. He may not have the sort of experience fighting that Kirito and Asuna do, but he didn't spend his entire time just sitting in the Town of Beginnings. He just kinda stayed their after his brother died. So he does have some battle instincts to draw on, on top of the fact that attack skills help them move automatically when activated.

I actually got a lot of inspiration on how the game system works from what is considered the antithesis to the flaws of SAO, the magnificent and complex world of the Log Horizon anime. If you haven't watched it, I highly recommend it.

4639991 Sounds like you've got a good few areas to look at. When you think you've approached them properly (or just have a question or two) feel free to PM me.

4639567 thanks for the review, and I totally agree with it all. I rushed out the beginning of the story and suffered because of it, I was told about this after chapter three and started working on slowing everything down and flushing the characters out more.

And yeah, I am only a certain level when it comes to writing. I am only 14 (not that anyone would know) and later on this year I am starting a writing course.

Again, completely agree with what you said.

Finished a chapter and a half.

Rejecting

Didn't really like this one at all. It has the same problems that stories by the same author have (clumsy writing, putting images and youtube videos in the chapters, breaking immersion, boring exposition) but it suffers even further from the fact that both the characters are so goddamn annoying.

Like, really annoying. Deadpool is like Pinkie or Discord: he relies a lot on visual gags because when you have to read them, they are so infuriating. I cannot think of one thing I liked about Deadpool here.

He doesn't want anything (oh, sorry. He wants chimichangas. Because that never got old) so there's nothing to get invested in, his jokes are all insanely childish, and in the prologue, he 'speaks' directly to me... which I wouldn't mind if he didn't use THIS SIZE FONT.

But really, I was expecting that. Deadpool is really hit and miss for me. I like him enough in comics, not so much everywhere else I see him. What really got me was Deathstroke.

Deathstroke is possibly worse in terms of pure annoyance. He goes around being super smug and 'oh, I'm bad. Fear me!' which grates on my nerves. He's not even intellectual about it. In fact, he mostly just brags a lot and serves only to look scary... which would probably work better if he wasn't made into an alicorn colt and actually had halfway serious dialogue. He's humourless, dull, and singularly irritating when the story treats him like he's some big badass without giving me a reason to care.

The writing itself isn't great. There are errors, the dialogue feels stiff, and it repeats itself a whole lot. It's supposed to feel like the stuff happening in chapter 1 is chaotic ('cause deadpool) but it also seems to feel the need to repeat everything that happens, so it's far too easy for me to follow. In fact, I was bored.

The first chapter was also really, really boring. It was mostly a doctor's report on the two, and it was written as an overview of their characteristics and mental state. Whilst I approve of using something like that (it adds a little immersion) it went on for so long the novelty wore off and it just became superdry exposition.

And that's it, really. Two characters go to Equestria without having a reason to be there, and then the first chapter is incredibly dull shenanigans. If the humour was more intelligent, I might have given it a pass for some of it's problems (I like humour) but the jokes are so childish and immature, I don't know how many years you'd have to knock off my age for me to snicker.

One good thing, though, was how they got there. Deadpool's teleporter malfunctioned. Compared to Discord sending them there, or whatever, it actually came off as pretty plausible, if only because Deadpool is so insane it might actually work in the comics (and probably did, if my memory serves).

But really, if I'm supposed to like these guys, give me something to like about them. Not just mister 'dances around nakes screaming for chimichangas' and 'I could kill you with two hooves tied behind my back'. Those are caricatures, and the story needs way more than that to work, because we have no visuals to rely on.

Reading Rainbow Dash Eats a Kitten

I, um, honestly have no idea what to expect. I feel it'll probably be dependant on whether it makes me laugh or not.

Allons-y!

Finally, after centuries (just kidding, weeks and months) of reading and having breaks because I couldn't motivate myself to read fanfiction, I am back with the review of Truth Earned from Honesty. However, due to me not formatting it within my google docs so this wouldn't take so long, I decided to just post the gdoc link. I also have made it view only unlisted, but I will post my decision here.

The decision was that it was rejected. The reasons are in the google doc link, which is embedded in this line.

I will also be finishing up my review on Two Cups of Cider, and once that is done, I'll be ready for more reviews!

-Soaring

Sorry for my lateness. I was lazy.

Rejecting Rainbow Dash Eats a Kitten

I was actually rather entertained with this one, but for a rather unexpected reason. I'm not even certain if this was intentional on the author's part or not, but I really liked how Rainbow Dash ate the kitten.

As in, without any pomp or circumstance. Just in it goes, gulp.

It was actually rather surreal. I think a lot of stories might have made a big affair out of it, but here, the story just treated it as 'hmm, I wonder what kittens taste like. Are they really cute enough to eat?' and then ate the kitten. It was rather impressive in its simplicity, which I admire.

However, that's pretty much where my enjoyment ended. I was actually considering accepting the story, but for it's flaws, the story is much too long. The greatest strength of this story is it's novelty, and the fact that the reader (me) isn't used to seeing something that shouldn't be so trivial trivialized. Unfortunately, the novelty wears off very quickly as I readjusted, and then I became much less blind to it's flaws.

Flaws like the writing. Now and then, you'll find a clumsy sentence, or an error. Those can take you out of the story a fair bit.

Problems like the characters being cut-outs of themselves. They mostly stick to a very two-dimensional set of opinions that we've all seen before. Applejack likes all apples except pears, the CMC are dangerous in their stupidity, etc. None of these tropes were novel, and they got very boring, very quickly as no new spin was put on them. Not to mention, the story is rather mean spirited in how it treats all these characters: either as somewhat stupid or out of character.

The best bit about the story was actually Rainbow. She felt surprisingly true to herself, despite her kitten addiction.

However, I think that at the end of the day, the story felt more stupid than funny, and though I'd love to reward how the story approached eating the kittens more, I don't feel I can justify the rest of the story past the first chapter where the novelty wears off. I'd love for more stories to try that approach, but also quit while they're ahead. The story stops really being consistent and starts throwing random elements to get me to laugh out of sheer surprise. I suppose that might work for some people, but not for me at least.

The story had a decent approach, but fell apart later. And that's why I'm rejecting it.

Reading Three from the Forest.

I actually reviewed this one ages ago, but for the life of me I can't remember what it was about. I imagine a forest plays some small part.

Three from the Forest
Rejecting

Three from the forest is a story I actually read and reviewed ages ago, but managed to forget what it was about entirely. I do remember it leaving a relatively positive impact, but it struck me as far from memorable (evidently). It’s far from a bad story, but there are a few things that seriously get in the way of me enjoying it properly, which is sad, because I like the set-up.

Firstly, this is a story about three foals trying to get their cutie marks (sound familiar?). They get bullied by a local kid tyrant who has a rich parent and they get into little misadventures trying to figure out what they’re destined to do.

As you might already be able to figure out, the story rehashes what the show already tackles in great detail. Wanderer, Tourmaline, and Tormod fit the exact same roles as the CMC from the show, to the point where I’m not sure why this isn’t simply a story about them instead. It’s an irritation that nagged at me whilst I read it, since so much of the beginning is honestly stuff I’ve seen before in the show. Very little that was new was brought to the story.

This was an irritation that I was having difficulty getting over because not much attention is brought on everything else. Some detail was given to Tourmaline and Tormod’s father and origin, but aside from a brief description of Greensborough (the town the story takes place in) we don’t know much about our surroundings. I would have minded that lack of detail much less if I was given some novel and colourful characters to focus on… which our trio are not.

That said, what little detail we have is far from uncreative. I liked the idea of a forest that grows back every few weeks. It sounds ‘Equestrian’, in that sort of odd fairy-tale fantasy where everything works out by magic but comes with a bunch more monsters. It’s just that we don’t get that much of this cool environment, at least not in the first six chapters.

Speaking of the first six chapters, those really hacked me off. The first five chapters are spent with the trio (I’m going to call them the Tree-o, because they live near a forest) trying to have a conversation with Celestia, visiting for the summer solstice. It was a nice little throwback to the show and in keeping with the MLP universe. BUT. As soon as they actually manage, that whole event is more or less forgotten in the next few chapters, and has (as far as I can tell) no bearing on their misadventures in the forest, which is where they actually get their cutie marks. I cannot stress how irritated I was to have read five chapters that meant very little. At best, the first two chapters were important, since they introduced the characters… introductions that could have taken much less time to get over.

The final negative point I have was some aspects of the writing. The story really does hold my hand for a lot of its character devellopment, and lacks a lot of flair. It’s not bad (I really must stress that it’s far from bad: the grammar strikes me as strong and there are no spelling mistakes to speak of) but it makes it hard to get invested in it when there’s not much in the way of colour and the writing gets very tell-y:

The two had loved each other at one point in their lives, but things just didn’t stay the same.

It broke Tormod’s heart that his family was now separated.

His father was not the forgiving sort when it came to things that would damage his reputation. Having a son who was a known bully would no doubt cause more harm than good.

This sort of takes all the mystery and interest out of the story. I don't think I'd mind so much, but it feels very much like the story is holding my hand far too much for me to get properly engaged in it. Instead of keeping up on my own, I'm getting dragged along, and my attention wanders. It's not aggravating, but I feel this could be improved upon.

The above are all the reasons why I wouldn’t classify this as a memorable or engaging story. HOWEVER: I feel that, in the spirit of being thorough, that I explain some things that I did enjoy about this story.

I really like the set-up of three kids going on adventures. It reminds me of some of my favourite stories as a kid, and the more I think about this story, the more it strikes me as something I might read a child, or read as a child. I don’t mean this in a bad sense: I actually greatly admire a good children’s story, and one of my favourite books of all time (Magyk, by Angie Sage) is a kids book. But instead of being a kids book that is still intelligent enough for adults, it’s more of a story that you can only properly appreciate as a kid, when you benefit from the additional hand-holding. If any one of the above were different: if there was less hand-holding and belabouring points we can already figure out, if the characters were more colourful, anything, I feel I’d have accepted this story.

It’s simply lacking something to make me come back to the story. If it gets that something later on in the story (past chapter seven) then I think that it should get to that point earlier, because by the point I stopped, I rather lost interest.

It’s not a bad story, but it’s failing to convince me that it’s a really good one.

Reading Daughters of Poseidon

Finished reading through Daughters of Poseidon

Accepting

Whilst I'm really hesitant to accept this story, mostly due to how incomplete it is, not to mention some other misgivings I have with it, I feel I should probably accept this one. And don't get me wrong: there are perfectly valid reasons why one might reject this story. It's only four chapters in and is on hiatus, which is code for 'cancelled, but don't want to admit it'. Not to mention, there are a few things that take away from it's memorability, like the premise of three ponies going to earth and having adventures. Call me crazy, but I believe I've seen that done.

There are also several typos and errors scattered throughout the story. Not enough to ring any alarms (at least not for me) but enough to be noticed:

She was trotting against the breeze, which flowed for the exit.

Running of the Leave’s

gave her a piece of mind she couldn’t find anywhere else

but she didn’t bet her hopes on it.

“I’m not listening to”-

the pegasus could hear siffles building up.

So, really, the reason I want to accept this story is the way it treats the characters. Despite being all wildly different (Daring Do, Lyra, and pre-cutie mark Diamont Tiara) the characters are all colourful and memorable. In fact, I think this stems from the fact that they're all so different, and they all have problems and reasons to be invested in their journeys. Diamond Tiara lost her mother, Lyra is largely ignored and it's harming her life... and all their problems regularly come to the surface, and as more than just throwaway character traits. They help define the characters, and although I might quickly forget the premise of three ponies being sent to ancient Greece, I don't think I'll forget how the characters were presented any time soon. They all influence how they act with the ponies around them, and how they perceive their adventure. It makes the whole thing feel really cool.

The story isn't humourless, either. The three ponies meet up in the void as they're travelling and have a rather nonchalant chat, despite their surroundings. Whilst I didn't laugh, I did smile, and it's nice to see that the story didn't take itself overly seriously. It helps when dealing with such a cliched premise (which HiE and PoE are). However, the story also knew when to turn off the humour and treat things a bit more seriously. It's a story with perhaps a bit of an identity issue, but I think it strikes a decent balance between humour, drama, and adventure, and whilst some might criticize a story for branching out, I for one think more stories should try that. Lots of one-shots focus on one thing, and one thing only.

I certainly think there's room for improvement, and the story should be continued, but there's enough here to make it enjoyable for most people, I should think. I certainly enjoyed reading it, and would be happy to let it into the bin.

I was reading Seashell, by Winston, but I've been re-assigned momentarily while I re-review by request of the author Arcane Shadow, Re-Written. It shouldn't take too long and then I'll deal with Seashell.

Finished Re-reviewing Arcane Shadow, Re-Written

I'm still rejecting this one, since pretty much all my complaints that I had previously are still present... but I've managed to acquire a few more along the way.

My biggest problem with the story previously was it didn't have a really engaging story by chapter 5. The crossover universe wasn't explained much and we didn't know where the story was taking place, or indeed, what was going on. The characters were in a sort of vacuum, and don't really seem to have a clear objective, making the whole thing feel either confusing, or senseless. Whilst this makes sense near the first chapter, the fact that it persisted until chapter 5 made it dry and tedious. If this lore is stuff that someone familiar with the crossover universe would know, then that's great, but a crossover shouldn't have to rely on that knowledge, since it makes it hard for anyone not familiar with the crossover material to enjoy.

The characters still don't really have much direction to them. I noticed that they got physical descriptions, which (if I'm not mistaken) weren't there when I first reviewed the story. However, that alone didn't serve to make them very memorable. I think I had a much easier time recalling who was who (which I remember was a very real problem for me the first time around) but they're neither particularly colourful or stand-out. Most of them seem to be fighters of some sort, and it's only Lance (due to his metal wings) that really stuck in my mind. However, I feel this is one point that was adressed and is well on the way towards being fixed.

Even after the veil between the worlds is shattered, there doesn't seem to be much story I can find. The veil is broken and Rainbow is there to fix it, but I'm at a loss regarding what they're doing afterwards. For some reason, a Nazi appeared (and I'm confused by that) and they have discussions, but they never want anything or try to drive the story forwards... at least, not before the end of chapter five, when I really think they should have. I don't think they've tried fixing the veil yet, even though it's been three chapters since it's been an issue, and distractions keep on happening without real meaning to them, slowing down the story to a crawl.

Unfortunately, a new problem arose for me. Chapters don't have natural breaks. The story insists on ending with a cliffhanger almost every chapter, but in the weirdest way possible. These aren't situations that make you excited for the coming chapter, or make you ask yourself questions: they're sometimes as trivial as Dash wandering over to talk to someone (chapter end, chapter begin) and then having a discussion.

In short, by chapter five, I don't feel the story has anything that really draws people to it. The characters aren't particularly fascinating, the story hasn't really gotten itself going, and the environment is confusing. Things have happened and we don't know why, and worse, if feels like we should. In that regard, it's pretty much the same as before, and that's why I'm sticking with my initial decision.

Reviewed Dragon Story

Rejecting

This story was a surprise to me. Typically, I'm of the opinion that sticking drawings and art in a story is a sign of laziness. Not so this time. This story seems designed to incorporate drawings, very much like a picture book for children. In fact, it reads a lot like a children's story, which is rare on this site. Since I actually like children's stories, more so than a lot of adult stories in fact, I found this story had a lot of mileage to it.

Each chapter has an absolutely minuscule amount of words to it. We're looking at 300 -800 in length. This causes a lot of the chapters (and the story) to feel disjointed and cluttered. We never really get a feel for Eclipse in the short time we see her, and I had a hard time following the story in its early chapters, since the story never sat still long enough for me to get a good idea. The story is (unlike other stories) relying on it's drawings to fill in the gaps, but instead of being a sign of laziness, I actually think this is a stylistic choice, and not an unenjoyable one. As such, I'm not reviewing this one as I would a typical story. Because of how it's attempting to do things, I'm giving it, shall we say, special treatment.

However, the way the writing works didn't do it for me. Whilst I find it relatively easy to get drawn in by the drawings, the writing is pale and lacklustre by comparison. The words are not nearly as colourful as they need to be in order to satisfy my attention, especially given how short each chapter is. I'd even say they were rather boring.

The messenger was just outside. She asked if Crescent wanted directions, but Crescent knew the way well. Once she'd tidied herself up, she trotted out onto the road.

I can't tell if this was on purpose or not, but even if the physical description of the street is satisfied by the drawing, the atmosphere isn't, and should be elaborated on. I rarely know what Crescent is feeling, and when the story does give more detail, it feels more like a throwaway line than an actual engaging description:

Lots of ponies came as she went, some she knew and most she didn't. It was an odd thing, that. She had lived in Canterlot for most of her life, and there was always something new.

Since each line is just a quick descriptive passage, my attention can't really linger on any one thing. It keeps getting jolted from one thing to the next, which is irritating.

I feel that I can't actually go through this review without paying some attention to the drawings themselves, since they are part of what makes the story so very unique on this site. Below is the drawing from chapter seven.

As a drawing, I really rather like it. The colours are vibrant, and even in a space that should be very monochrome (like a cave) we're treated to a much more dazzling display. In the above picture, you can see various shades of red, not just on the pony (which is possibly the least colourful thing in all the drawings) but also on the cave walls. The ground is shades of brown, which makes the whole thing feel rather bright and pleasant, despite the foreboding scene.

The line-work is choppy and inelegant, but I find myself not minding. It creates an adequate sense of texture, rather similar to the kind you'd find in a children's book. I'm actually reminded of the sketches in the book series How to Train Your Dragon, which I admired as a child (and still do).

Although perhaps not as choppy.

The texture on the pony is probably my favourite thing (aside from the colour). It translates the lighting well and is pretty cool to boot. It makes a lot work with only two/three actual shades of grey, and whilst quite a bit more is present in the bright red mane, it's still making less into more, which I find charming.

However, the worst thing about these drawings is their size.

The drawing is too big for the height of my screen, meaning I can't look at it and read at the same time. This means I end up looking at the drawing first, then read the small amount of text beneath it, which I don't find enviable. The pictures should have been much smaller, or even better, formatted to the width of the screen so the images accompany the writing, instead of replace it entirely. It's like having a drink, then eating, instead of enjoying a beer with your haggis and neeps. It's poor formatting, really.

On the whole, whilst I find the story charming and certainly pleasant to read, I don't feel it's properly achieved what it was aiming to do. The images need to be formatted better in order to be viewed alongside the writing, and the story as a whole should be easier to follow. My attention is getting dragged from one place to another due to the size of the pictures and the length of the chapters, and I don't think it should. I'd like for the protagonist to be much more colourful, as colourful as her pictures, in fact. Even her name is rather forgettable: there are dozens of characters with names like Crescent or Eclipse. Also, the descriptive writing should be more gripping, instead of hopping from one thing to another without giving me time to get engaged in the story.

I really like the drawings, but the story and writing are simply not on par with them. If you like visual treats, then this is probably what you're looking for. For the rest of us, it's not the unique experience I wish it was. Not yet, anyway.

Reviewed More than a Friend

Accepting

This really is a close call, because whilst there isn't much that's wrong with the story, there isn't all that much that makes it right either. It was written (if I'm not much mistaken) the very evening the episode with Moondancer aired, so I expected it going in to be a little unpolished. It was, but not so much in the areas I expected.

The writing was, more or less, fine. Sometimes it didn't quite flow smoothly and some of the sentences felt a bit clunky, but nothing so outrageous that it made reading the story unenjoyable. In fact, I felt it was more than acceptable. I suppose it was paced really quickly, focussing on different moments in Moondancer's life without much tying them together, but I never really minded that in stories, and it very economically tells the story that should be told whilst not wasting my time.

I guess my big problem with the story is how it doesn't really tell a story of it's own, but rather just expands, briefly, on the MLP episode. In fact, upon further reflection, it reminds me more of a singular scene from the AppleDash Project. Whilst that's not bad (I rather liked how the AppleDash Project was done), what it didn't have was Moondancer and Twilight together. It's always Moondancer on her own. And unlike the AppleDash Project, what Moondancer learns is exactly the same as what she learned in the episode: no more, no less. She feels better about letting a friend back into her life and opening herself up to others. The only thing this story changes is the context. I suppose that, in a way, it felt lacking in that regard. I'm not taking anything away from the story other than 'what if Moondancer had a crush on Twilight?'

However, the reason I'm accepting the story is that it accomplishes this pretty well. It takes everything from the episode, from Moondancer's apartment to her studies, and puts it in the context of her being upset her crush left. It gets it's point across and it does make you feel for Moondancer more, again in this new context.

It's very short, but I don't think I'll hold that against the story. It manages to get through a lot of Moondancer's character in the few words it has. Whilst I think there is a lot more that could be done with Moondancer and the premise, I also feel this story does it just well enough for me to have enjoyed reading it.

Reviewed There's Fluff on your Armour

Rejecting

WARNING: THIS STORY MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

Um... okay.

Well, it pretty much doesn't, but not, I think, for the reasons the author thought it would. The pairing in this story is Fluffle Puff and Flash Sentry. As a pairing, well, I don't really mind it. Neither really has much depth to their characters, so frankly they're pretty on par with each other, neither overshadowing the other. It's not like pairing Rainbow Dash with Soarin, for example, where Soarin is completely overshadowed by Rainbow Dash to the point of it becoming comedic.

So there's nothing wrong with the pairing. I'm just making that clear. It doesn't offend my delicate sensibilities or anything.

The rest of it is pretty senseless. Flash has been dumped by Twilight... for some reason. This is very obviously just done to set the scene instead of, perhaps, give Flash some character. He could have been any other character, and it'd have been the same. That was the first thing that annoyed me. Flash is (as Flash is wont to be) completely replaceable.

Fluffle starts by being pretty unique and irreplaceable. I really like the Fluffle videos, and they never fail to make me smile. She starts off in the same whimsical way. She doesn't speak and she doles out affection lickety-split.

Then, not five minutes later, they go home together.

My problem with this is it makes the whole thing feel cheap. Neither Flash nor Fluffle actually work to get closer, it just happens. That makes me feel like I'm just spectating, instead of rooting for either character. It doesn't make it pretty engaging.

Then Fluffle speaks. Her excuse is that she feels comfortable enough to speak. Again, nobody works for this. Flash doesn't do anything to deserve this. Worse, it takes away whatever interest there was in Fluffle being Fluffle as well. She becomes replaceable. Just another mare who wants sexytimes. And that makes her pretty boring too.

And that's pretty much it. They spend the evening together, a few jokes are cracked, and one even got me to smile. I liked this descriptive passage:

His what-the-f-ometer was so far off the charts that it broke, he couldn't even, because all his evens were taken by all the pink in the house. Not only was his shit not holy, but it wasn't even there in the first place. It was as if life had broken into the shed where he kept all his holy shit and it was all stolen. He had no holy shits to give, and the universe bought his entire stock of fucks as well.

It's not particularly clever, but I found myself enjoying it nonetheless. If it were in a different story, I'd have possibly enjoyed it more.

So, what really doesn't make sense in this story, is why I'm reading it. Neither character works for anything, and neither is even very unique or memorable. Fluffle could have been memorable and unique, like she is in her videos... but she gets downgraded to 'regular' pretty quick.

Unless you happen to really enjoy Flashle-Puff, there's not much to get invested in here. And even then, there is so much more that could be done here. At best, it's cookie-cutter.

4699723 Yeah, that's about what I thought of it too. If it ever gets a folllow up, it'll be Twilight and Moondancer's first date. Anyway, I noticed that while the story's vanished from the pending review folder, it hasn't shown up in the main stories section. Any idea where it went?

4709475 Oops. For some reason, adding them must have not worked/I forgot in a bout of drunken madness.

It's fixed now! Thanks for pointing it out!

4709492 Thanks and you're welcome.

You'll have to forgive me for taking my time with this one. I felt it deserved a bit more reading than what I usually do, and I'm a horribly slow reader.

Read first seven chapters of Seashell

Accepting

I think this is one story that is so incredibly easy to enjoy reading, but perhaps doesn't have as much character as I'd have liked. However, being the special little snowflake I am, that's probably not very surprising.

The story is about this guard, named Sunburst. He's assigned to protecting Twilight Sparkle, and he spends a lot of his time watching her and thinking.

The thing I noticed first about this story was how easy it was to read, and enjoy reading. The writing strikes me as pretty damn good. Not only were there no errors that jumped out at me, which screams of both talent and effort, but it was also pretty engaging at first. The places and the characters had a feel to them, like they were tangible. Even though Sunburst is far from colourful, he feels like you're really looking into his thoughts, which I like. Makes him feel nice and tangible.

The pacing, on the other hand, is slow. Now, it's far from bad. It takes it's time and sets everything up nicely. But after seven chapters, not much has really happened of note, and I'd have liked maybe more to show for my weeks worth of reading. Similarly, Sunburst is (as I touched upon very briefly earlier) pretty boring. He has very few interests outside of being mildly unsociable (which admittedly is much better than very unsociable... that gets old real quick) and is incredibly forgettable. I remember much more about Twilight's apprentice, and of course, Twilight and Dash themselves.

In that regard, the story feels a bit washed out, like it's afraid of being too colourful just so it can appeal mildly to everyone. The best thing about the story is I feel it will appeal to everyone. Between the great writing and the tangible characters, I can't think of one thing I didn't like or thought should have been changed. The worst thing about the story is how little I find myself liking the story and characters despite this, especially considering I'm seven chapters in.

It's a good story for everyone, that's for sure, though. And that's why it's easy to accept. It deserves it's spot here, even if I wished it had a bit more 'oomph' to it.

4713988 Thank you very much for reviewing and accepting Seashell!

One small correction, though: Sunburst is female, not male. It's an easy thing to overlook, so don't feel bad. That was done as a deliberate writing decision. Sunburst doesn't think about herself that way very much, so she doesn't mention it often in 'her writing', which is what this story is.

4714039 Huh. I guess I simply assumed she was a guy.

It's like the goddamn internet all over again.

Read the fic 'Poison', by VitalSpark (Linkedy Link)

Rejecting

The grammar is flawless. The tag (romance) is appropriate, the characters seem quite in-character... then why am I rejecting this?

Maybe I'm being a bit harsh. If I am, someone correct me.

But the issue with this fic for me is that there simply isn't enough story content to give it an 'okay'. When I look for a romance fic, I'd like that big ending, or that one event that ties it together.
This didn't really hold that for me. While it was very easy to read for me, I just didn't find that much to read. The hook in the first sentence is great, but after that... Trixie eats food (the story spends quite a bit of time on food), Trixie goes to Twilight and talks about the Winter Moon Celebration. They go to the Celebration, there's almost something that goes wrong!... but it's solved by our hero Trixie. She takes her own trap, poison joke, and goes back to Zecora with Twilight at the final scene of the story, ending with this:

"Okay, okay!" Twilight extricated herself from the unicorn's embrace. "Next time you're in town, come by the castle, and we can go out for a meal or something."

Trixie regained her composure and nodded. "It's a date!"

And that's that.

I'm sorry, but... it just seemed very 'light' to me. Hell, even the big thing that could have gone wrong was told before it happened, ruining the suspense. There wasn't even really a date, it was just a meeting in a celebration, and then back to Zecora's for some medicine.

If there was more content, showing that one big event that ties their relationship together, sure. I could see that happening if there were more chapters too, as the writer seems to be on-the-ball.

As it is, though, the 'story' aspect has kind of been lost, and I came out of it feeling like I hadn't really read anything.

Finished reviewing Through the Eyes of a Soldier: Taking Hill 790

Rejecting

I kind of feel the story can be best described through one of the quotes that appears in the middle of the story.

Yoake Gata.

I'll explain why once I get through the premise. This is the story of Applebloom the soldier, fighting in a battle against someone under Rainbow Dash's command. The fight is tough and many ponies, Applebloom included, don't make it. It's actually rather stylistically nice, and I appreciated the 'badum... bum' thing scattered throughout the story to represent mortar fire, or maybe drums (I forget if this was specified. I feel either one is fitting).

The writing is pretty good and I can only remember being jarred once or twice at what I imagine are simply typos. Applebloom's thoughts are also rather detailed, and everything feels quite tangible, like it's really happening. These are all good things, and are to the story's credit... and in a different story they would have made for some really, really good reading.

See, the main problem about this story is that it's not about ponies at all. It's not about Applebloom or Rainbow Dash or Equestria. It's about a nameless soldier who's simply wearing Applebloom's name. She could have any other name and it wouldn't make any difference. You wouldn't notice. The best thing we get is Rainbow Dash is referred to as loyal to her troops, but in my opinion an off-hand comment does not a tangible link to the show make. If this was but a scene in a larger story, I think this would have been fine. It'd have been a nice scene. But without the tangible link to the show, outside of the thin gossamer thread in the form of their names, I really have to wonder what this story is doing on this site at all.

It's nice to read, certainly, but since we're here for ponies, and things linked to ponies, I feel I must reject this one, which is a shame, because I believe real effort went into writing it.

Hence the quote, Yoake Gata. It's flamboyant and thought went into writing it (I know for a fact that Yoake means Dawn, and I'll accept the rest of the translation in the notes) and it even has a bit of depth, but it has no place in an environment that it has nothing to do with.

Reviewed My Friend Tenty

(No link because mature)

Accepting

Well, that was fun. You know, I feel Fimfiction is the only place where I can say 'oh, Bad Dragon. You and your tentacle rape, you old rascal, you.'

That said, plenty of thought went into this. When I read the description I was half fearing the crux of the conversation would be 'I like rape!' 'No, rape is wrong!' and then rape happens and then that's it. Well, not so! Although there is discussion regarding whether rape is okay or not, there is a legitimate reason why Tenty feels the way she does, and it's actually rather clever.

Their tentacles essentially go and touch whatever they're looking at. And you know we say 'look someone in the eyes when you talk to them'? It's a bit like that. It's not so much unwanted contact as it is paying attention to someone, and once you wrap your mind around that, it actually starts to make sense.

It's of course completely inapplicable to ponies and humans, since our own limbs don't work that way. But the most important thing this story had to do was get me to not roll my eyes at the story trying to get me to accept rape as a cultural thing. I didn't, so really, that the hard part over. The story doesn't glorify anything, which is good, and from the ponies point of view it's still bad. But for the tenty-ponies, the context is completely different.

The rest of the story is comedic in nature, if you're fine with a few darker undertones. It's completely irreverent of it's subject matter, and whilst this is certainly not for some, I got some decent mileage out of it. Whilst I don't think there were any really laugh out loud jokes in there, the tone made the jokes relatively successful, I thought.

In a nutshell, what I'm getting out of this story is a pleasant surprise, a bit of thought, and a few decent jokes. And really, that's all good. Nothing else takes away from the story, and it ends quickly enough for the novelty to remain intact. I rather enjoyed this one.

4721578 Thank you for this. I'm really glad you liked it.

I've been wondering if my request would ever get processed since it's been so long since my submission. This was a very pleasant surprise.

I assume that the group is developing a backlog, like most reviewing groups do. I hope, however, that this group pushes forward despite the delays. Keep up the good work, approvals!

4721613 I've always been of the opinion that backlog is irrelevant, so long as good stories are being processed on a regular basis. That is, after all, the objective.

I make sure to go through some of the very old ones whenever I have a minute free, although in the case of some of the longer ones, this often takes me a while. Generally I stick to shorter ones, since I'm a ridiculously slow reader.

Reviewed Viridi: Down-Trotting

Rejected

Well, another crossover goes on the pile. I feel a bit sad about this one. Despite everything, I kind of liked Viridi, or at least found her rather fun. She had clear wants and a clear, colourful personality, and even though I had absolutely no idea who she was I was able to get a decent feel for her.

Unfortunately the story is incredibly reliant on the reader knowing whatever universe is being crossovered with. And I don't. I don't know what on earth is going on, and it takes oh-so-much out of the story. There really isn't much to say about this problem. Simply put, nothing is explained regarding what Viridi is, who her friends are, where she's from, and since a lot of the jokes and story kind of hinge on having some familiarity with all that, it makes everything feel somewhat stilted.

The writing itself is acceptable, I suppose. Granted, it could be better, and there were a handful of places where I felt the transitioning was really off. Like when Viridi arrives in Equestria: it's just thrown in as soon as the next line happens. At the very least, I feel I could have used a horizontal rule or two at a few points in the story. Aside from that and some slightly awkward phrasing, nothing stood out. The grammar felt decent and I don't remember any spelling errors. In that regard, I had very few problems.

The pacing is quick, as well. Maybe I'd mind less if I knew more about the story, but since I had no idea what was going on, I guess I was rather unforgiving in that regard. Everything happens fast. Viridi arrives, and we zoom past her meeting a few ponies, going to Celestia, and then bam! Something about Hades. It's very quick. Maybe more time should be taken? At present, I'm of that opinion.

It's not all bad, though. I did get some mileage out of Viridi, and I feel if I actually had a clue regarding who she was, I might even like her. Celestia felt pretty cool and collected too, and I liked that. In fact, the characters were all very colourful, and got their personalities across without actually needing much time dedicated to them. Maybe it's just me, but they were enjoyable.

It's a bit sad it falls into the crossover trap of alienating anyone who doesn't know the source material.

Reading We Are What We Are

It's a rather long one, so it may take me some time.

4720353 Thank you very much for your review and thoughts; I will certainly look into ways I can expand on both the backstory itself and tying it into the universe of Equestria as a whole.