4734639 Cheerio. Send me a PM when you think you've made progress.

4737192 Aye, I will definitely do that.

Reviewed first 6 chapters of We Are What We Are

Accepting

First off, I should probably apologize for how long this one took me. An awful lot of work piled up all at once, making it rather difficult to get through.

We Are What We Are struck me initially as a story that's had a lot of effort sunk into it. Time has been spent showing the moods and personalities of each of the characters, their environment, and getting their feelings and moods across in an incredibly diligent manner. Spelling and grammar are as good as I can make them out to be, with no errors making themselves apparent. If they're in there, I couldn't see them.

The story itself, however, is either very, very slow, or somewhat lacking. I'm at chapter six, and so far, very little has actually transpired. Each chapter feels more like a character piece than a story, and whilst I'd have been readily on board for a short story detailing where each of the characters came from, I'm looking at six chapters, each over six thousand words in length (well over my attention span, which tends to drift off at 6k words) where very little happens and the characters don't have an overarching ambition.

That, right there, is one of the reasons this story took me a while to get through. Initially, each chapter doesn't make reading the next one a particularly enticing option. The characters (Sonata, Adiago and Aria) don't want anything and spend most of their time moping about how powerful they used to be. I can't speak for the rest of the story as, realistically, I'll never finish it, but if the trend continues I can see it disappointing many readers. Even if it does change it's approach and give the characters something to aim for, 40k words is far too long for a story to get into the swing of things, and I'm convinced it hasn't at the time I stopped. Most stories have begun and ended in that time.

What makes the story worthwhile (at least, to those prepared to slog through all that) is that each chapter does illuminate the reader regarding the feelings of each of the characters. To no end goal at present, but still, it's hard not to feel an understanding with each of the characters. You get what they're feeling, even if at present I'm still not invested in their lives (they have no goal to get invested in. I know I'm repeating myself, but it can make reading these chapters a real chore).

The level of character that oozes from the story is also impressive. Each place and person and each little inconsequential situation has a distinct atmosphere to it.

When I decided I wanted to make a decision regarding this story, I was at odds with myself. My initial instinct was actually to reject the story due to how little I wanted to keep going through the story. However, I can't help but feel that there's a large audience of people who'd get an awful lot of mileage out of the story, especially given how much thought and effort went into it.

Oh, how I wish the characters actually did more than go about their lives in the first 40k words. The story is incredibly demanding: it requires so much trust from the reader that something might actually happen, and that a story might actually begin, for such a long time. If there was a real hook to this story, if there was a real reason click the 'next chapter' button, this story may well have made my favourites list.

And perhaps a more patient reader than I might get to the part of that story that does that. It's for those readers that I feel the story should be accepted.

Read Apple Bloom's Day Off

Rejected

Since apparently work is getting hectic, I'm going through a few of the shorter ones to keep numbers down. First on my list is this short piece of fluff too clumsy to properly rise above it's very unassuming premise.

The story is about Applebloom, who's just learned that Granny Smith has baked a batch of cookies, and she wants them. She sets out to get them, and that right there is the entire premise.

On one hand, it's pretty easy to get invested in the Applebloom's quest. Almost completely unlike the last story I reviewed, this one gives Applebloom a very clear, very concrete motive. She has a quest for us to get involved in. However, the story manages to be clumsy enough to make that, on it's own, not quite enough for me to properly enjoy the story. For example:

slumber,Big Macintosh

Too bright, too bright!.”

with scheming commenced it was only a matter of time until the delicious morsels were hers.

There's nothing too blatant in terms of spelling mistakes outside of the first two punctuation errors, but these little things feel all the more irritating when the pacing and phrasing are sometimes rather stilted. Each scene and emotion doesn't really take it's time to make an impact and isn't colourful enough for it to be memorable. When it tries, it ends up being very telly, but without too much flair.

Applejack snickered to herself at how adorable her sister could be

This is an example of a story trying to tell me how to react to a piece of description. I could have taken anything away from seeing Applebloom wanting to stay in bed: I could have seen uncomfortably sprawled, grumpily blinking... it didn't have to be adorable, and the story kind of forced the word onto me at the wrong time.

I think the story could have been improved more if it took more time showing us Applebloom wanting the cookies more than she did, instead of just jumping into her little schemes. As it is, it feels like 3k words of watching Applebloom try to get some cookies without seeing why she wants them so much. The story is quick to say she wants them, but I never really get to see her wanting them.

And maybe going over some of the lines to make them flow more smoothly. This story is just of being a close accept for me, but given how little I felt there was to take away from the story, I don't feel it's ready for an accept at present.

Y'know that one pairing I make a point of not liking? Let's read that next!

I promise not to be biased. Not too much, anyway.

Reading Not a Nerd

Prediction: should have been AppleDash :/

Read Not a Nerd

Rejecting

The wording in of itself isn't great, and there are a few errors that could do correcting. I've pulled a few from the beginning of the story, but a good deal persist throughout:

The rainbow haired girl groaned and screamed underneath of her pillow, giving up on ignoring it.

she stretched her arms up high, small cracks coming from them

as it was one of the best and newest phones

Switching it in by the power button

The first four paragraphs are almost entirely dedicated to her phone. As in, not just a quick paragraph explaining what she's doing with the phone to create a rather visual scene, but a point by point description of what you have to do to check your messages. It's very tedious to read, and doesn't make for an engaging beginning.

It doesn't help that the story also bizzarely focusses on how she got the phone and what it means to her, despite it having seemingly no bearing on the story whatsoever. It's needless detail, and it's delivered in a rather telly way: the story could simply have shown me how important the phone is (if the story really needs to have a phone that's important to the character, which I'm not convinced of) by showing her do her best not to drop it.

The story also begins wasting my time by looking at what her parents sent her, again with no bearing on the story. This is all tedium: I know how phones work and I'm used to getting messages from my parents. Get to the point already.

No such luck, as next we check her brother's message.

Eventually we get to the message one of the main characters has sent: Soaring. Now, there are very few pairings I outright dislike, and SoaringDash is one of them. This is because most stories have to build Soaring's entire personality from scratch, making him amount to little more than an OC in an awful lot of stories, and typically rather boring ones at that. I've always been of the opinion that if you're going to indulge in the rather guilty pleasure of shipping, you should at least try and have some fun with it. Boring characters have always been a turn-off for me, especially when they're paired with a character as eccentric as any of the mane cast. The contrast between colourful and dull becomes very glaring. At least if the two characters were actually both rather underdeveloped, it wouldn't be quite as obvious, and I've even enjoyed some of the stories developing their characters a bit.

The reason I'm explaining my misgivings with the pairing is because I want to explain what I feel the story is up against, and what it needs to rise above. What I want is for Soaring to be as colourful and interesting as Rainbow Dash, and as fascinating to explore. I'd like for the story to prove me wrong when I make the generalization that Soaring is boring and one-dimensional, and give me a real reason to see the pair shipped together, outside of him having the right bit to go in the right place.

It therefore came as a bit of a let-down when his first line feels out of place, over the top, and pretty blatantly shoving their relationship in my face.

Dashie, you are the love of my life, and don't let anybody tell you different, EVER. I love you ever so much, and I will till the day I die.

Now, don't get me wrong: if I ever got mai waifu Renbo Desh's number, I'd be the first to text that. But in the story, it amounts to dumping all the feelings that Soaring could have shown us through their interactions all in the space of two sentences.

Despite my problems with it, this is also the only line that's halfway relevant that I'll see for a bit. Observe one of the following paragraphs:

The girl turned her head to fax her wardrobe, then slowly jogged over to it and opened the door. When she had decided on some clothes, she unwrapped the towel from around her body and let it drop to the floor. At first she picked up her top, placing it over her head and putting her arms through where they should go. Her top was rainbow striped with a ruby red brim, matching her hair. It was a shoulder top, meaning that on the shoulders it was further down. Next she put on her navy blue jeans, which had a golden thread and golden buttons. Slipping them on took a few attempts, as they were a bit of a tight fit, but that's how they were supposed to be. She quickly put on some red socks and ran down the stairs to quickly devour some breakfast. Rainbow had a couple of pancakes, and then ran back upstairs into her bedroom. Grabbing her six black earnings, three for each ear, and putting then on, the speedy girl ran back downstairs to where her hoodie and shoes were. It was a mad rush for her, but it was like this everyday. Remembering she forgot her phone, she went and quickly grabbed it and then put her cyan trainers on and tying the white shoelaces. Grabbing her green hoodie, that Rarity called a fashion disaster, she slipped it on over her head and grabbed her house and car keys from the kitchen side, she placed the house keys in the door lock and twisted them round till it was unlocked.

This is very dry to read. There's barely any atmosphere to it and reads more like a list than a story. Rainbow does this, then this, then forgot that, then went back upstairs and did something else. Then she did that, then another thing.

Most of that could simply have been cut out and I wouldn't have missed it. It's like the phone problem: the story is focussing on details I'm beginning to have no patience for.

The story doesn't stop doing this, either. I could list example after example of little tedious details that add to the word count but very little else, but I'm not going to. All I will say is that by this point, I'm through over 700 words before I get to the next interesting thing after Soaring's message.

Rainbow Dash nearly crashes into Sunset Shimmer, but get's injured. Sunset calls for an ambulance as well as some of their friends (including Soaring). I'm actually amazed the story didn't list off every little thing Sunset did whilst waiting for people to arrive, but to it's credit, it does decide that doing so would slow the story down immensely, and sums it up like this:

After around ten minutes of waiting, the ambulance finally arrived.

It's not glamorous, but at least I'm not trudging through tedium.

And that was chapter one.

The story doesn't do a very good job of injecting much feeling into the story, but to it's credit, it did at least focus on some elements halfway relevant to Soaring's feelings when he sees Rainbow injured. He's suitably upset, and although the writing still feels stilted, the little details there feel relevant to his emotions and his character, quite unlike Rainbow admiring her new phone (which did absolutely nothing). I'm definitely of the opinion that one paragraph does not save the rest of the chapter from being dull and rather emotionless.

The first chapter is colourless and boring. I can see what the author was going for: the more details injected into the story, the more real it can seem. However, it reads like a police report going over each action one by one. There's no atmosphere to it, no feeling, and it results in feeling very dull. If the actions Rainbow did had bearing on her character, I could see it work, or if it at least cut down on half of it. Like, say, that segment of Rainbow getting dressed. If it showed me or gave me a hint of why wearing red socks was relevant (maybe Soaring likes red socks?) I'd feel more inclined to be interested.

The next chapter begins even stranger: after presenting a sort of cliffhanger, it dumps her coming out of surgery pretty much immediately. The tension that could have been is removed quicker than I'd have liked. It then proceeds to shoe in some kind of botched love triangle that doesn't really do much for the story. Soaring does very little to actually work for Sunset's wayward thoughts of affection and the whole thing feels contrived, like the story needed there to be some romantic conflict but didn't spend the time showing Sunset and Soaring actually getting to know each other.

So far, the best relationship is between Soaring and Thunderlane. As in, they actually talk.

No, really. In the whole story, Soarin only says three lines to Sunset.

"Sunset, where are you?"

and

"Follow me, I'll take you to your guest room,"

And eventually, his big tirade:

"I didn't realise how tired I was," Soarin chuckled for a second, Sunset joining in shortly after, "Well, I'm gonna hit the baseball bat." He continued, getting a confused look from the girl in his presence. An awkward silence reigned over them for a couple of minutes until he continued, "Y'know, head off to bed. Sleep. I'm tired. You see, this is what happens when I get too tired and don't have coffee at lunch. I get really crazy, yet I'm still grumpy at the same time,"

Which, when you get right down to it, is more Soaring talking at Sunset than with her. His only line to Dash was the text message, if that counts.

And Sunset, with only three lines of dialogue, decides to steal Soaring away from Dash.

First off, not cool. Second off, Soaring has done and said very little to actually warrant these affections. They feel oh-so-contrived.

The story ends there, and is on hiatus.

I was never going to be a fan of this story, but even if this featured a pairing of my liking, there's no way I'd let this in at present. The first chapter is boring, and the second is contrived. There's a lot to fix and the story doesn't even seem to live up to it's own description:

Ever since Rainbow Dash got into a car crash whilst driving to school, her eyesight was damaged, and was left in a critical condition. She now needs to wear glasses, as she refuses to have surgery to help with her eyesight. But she is not to keen on the doctors decision, and ever since she was able to leave the hospital, she had been living with her boyfriend, Soarin Skys. He had been trying his very hardest to take care of her, but with no captain for the football team since Rainbow had the accident, and a hell of a lot of school work, she has been bored out of her mind.

What part of this involves a love triangle with Sunset? If the description is to be believed, the story hasn't even reached it's premise.

I'm not sure if the premise would have improved further along the story, but if it does, it hasn't yet. I'd love for the story to take more time to show the feelings of the characters more, instead of what socks they're wearing and what songs they listen to. There should be more feeling, more emotion! More stuff for me to get stuck into!

Bad? I wouldn't go that far. The premise isn't harmful. It's just poorly executed, and more practice needs be done before it ends up being worthwhile.

4793140 I know, its pretty bad tbh I'm going to go through it soon, make quite some changes and get an editor for future chapters.

I don't care if you rejected it, I'm just glad my story got reviewed in a great group like this!

4793281 I'm sure if it got reworked there'd be some improvement. Like I said, the concept isn't outright idiotic or unpleasant, so I don't want to dissuade you from trying to improve it.

4793423 Okay

Reviewed This House is Not a Home

Accepting

0/10 should have been tagged AU.

Not really. Although I do wonder why on earth the author decided to omit that specific tag (which it definitely deserves, since it involves an alternate ending to Sonic Rainboom) this is still a decent one-shot that captures your attention while you're reading and quits while it's ahead. It's about Rainbow dealing with losing Rarity, and going through her loss with the help of Applejack, who's just a friend to talk to.

The story is written well enough that I couldn't see any mistakes jump out at me, and even had some decent lines that made it fun to read. Some good ole' allegories and that kind of thing. Literature-people stuff.

Since it's written pretty decently, it allows me to get fully involved in what Rainbow is feeling... and she's feeling pretty sad. She's off the rails, but not so far off the rails it feels contrived. She's just drinking a lot more than usual, and heck, I do that all the time. But she definitely needs help (also like me) and Applejack is there for her. There's not much stopping you from getting fully invested in wanting Rainbow to get better, and sympathizing with both her, and Applejack (who has to put up with Rainbow's beer-breath).

The story explores a bit of their history, and it's pretty touching. It doesn't last long, though, as the story ends just as Rainbow begins to heal.

I think this could have segued into a larger story of healing, and maybe benefited from it, but given the lack of conflict, I'm quite satisfied with this one as a one-shot. I didn't get that much of a romantic vibe, though, either between Rainbow and Rarity or Rainbow and Applejack (which, since I am still me, I was desperately searching for regardless :P). I think that given the length of the story, that was probably a good choice. It opts to show more of what their relationship could have been and the more subtle hints that let readers project what they think a lot more onto the story. Showing, not telling.

In fact, the biggest criticism I have for the story is the concept itself, which isn't very remarkable in and of itself. It's just one character losing someone precious, and trying to move on, and it doesn't throw the reader a lot of surprises or much in the way of novelty. I do think it's executed nicely, though. Were it longer, I'd be of a mind to demand a bit more from it's concept, but again, for it's length, it's still worth it. It still suffers from it's rather cookie-cutter premise with regards to how memorable it is, though: I doubt I'll find myself coming back to it later on, sadly.

Short, sad, and pretty easy to enjoy, I'd say it's at least worth checking out if you're into sad stories.

Two in a day! Woohoo!

Your move, other story approvers.

Reviewed Attachment

Rejecting

Well, I can see the intent, but this one is pretty all over the place. At least the grammar and spelling are pretty good.

Attachment strikes me as one of those stories that really try too hard. It's about Spike not being able to get over his crush on Rarity. Whilst I'm very glad this story takes a different turn than the author's previous works on the matter, it still bears a few hallmarks that I could find in Snapped. For instance, the story starts very abruptly, practically pile-driving me with what had happened between Spike and Twilight the night before. That on its own wasn't enough to really irritate me, but then we leap to the conclusion that Spike has made a doll shaped like Rarity.

This alone got me raising my eyebrow. It is my opinion that there is very little you can't write a character do, if you're clever enough and know how to push his/her buttons. This, on the other hand, didn't present Spike's actions very cleverly. Instead of seeing Spike go through everything that'd lead him to make a doll of Rarity, he simply turns up one morning with it. It's very blunt, and given that there are so many reasons that make it feel implausible, it comes off as quite out of character.

This is because while his crush in the show comes off as childish, sure, it doesn't come off as unhealthy. Loads of kids get crushes on older friends when they're growing up, and Spike is definitely a kid. Making a doll to fill that void is unhealthy, or at least, it's presented as unhealthy here. There is no ambiguity in what I am supposed to feel here: Spike can't get over Rarity, and is so broken he's made a doll. I desperately needed to see why that leap is justified. I needed to see more of Spike. I needed to see more of what he was going through.

The characters are all over the place, too. They bounce from one emotion to the next in a manner that'd make a kangaroo jealous. To make matters worse, the story has the truly unfortunate tendency to CAPS LOCK WHENEVER SOME SCREAMING HAPPENS! DO YOU GET IT? THEY'RE SCREAMING! There is very little quite so jarring as SEEING caps locks IN the MIDDLE OF A STORY.

Again, I need to see more of how they make these leaps in emotions. This story is a whole lot of drama, but without the substance behind it. Which is a shame: unlike Snapped, Broken, So Much Leg and a few others, this one had a relatively interesting premise that I think could well have attracted my interest. But there's no build-up to any of it.

Reviewed: I'll Get You

Rejecting

This is a very close rejection, but ultimately I didn't feel there was much to take away from the story, at least not at present. The story is all about Scootaloo and Rainbow pranking each other. That on it's own ins't bad. In fact, I happen to enjoy fluff... but here, there wasn't much behind it to give it more substance.

There's no journey or stakes in this story. Both characters start on excellent terms (and I do mean excellent: as in, Rainbow and Scootaloo are officially sisters) and as far as I can tell, outside the two pranking each other, they end on excellent terms too (at least at this point in the incomplete story). Since nothing really changes between them, it's hard to get invested in the story outside of watching some mild, tame everyday events.

Also, considering there were only two pranks so far, it's hard to see any kind of escalation in the non-personal conflict, too. They pretty much felt about the same.

Without feeling like anything is changing, all the story delivers is a constant. Without escalation or real conflict (even as mild as pranks escallating) it's difficult to truly feel like this is much more than fluff for fluff's sake. And even though I love me some fluff, I do think it should have some purpose behind it. Something we learn about the characters.

A solution to this might be have them grow closer together by pranking each other. Growth! Or by unveiling escalation in later chapters. Stuff like that could really help the impact the story has.

As it is, though, I don't feel I can recommend this at present.

Reviewed Three Solos, One Cadance

Accepting

Ooh, I liked this one. It might not be a personal favourite, but it's pretty good regardless. I think the main reason it had a found a bit of a tough crowd in me was simply because it approached areas of the show that don't really fascinate me. Mainly, Discord, Cadance, and Fluttershy, as well as the Crystal Empire.

But aside from me being a grump, this really is good. It's well paced, for starters. Not once did I feel it was going too fast or too slow. It's crystal clear to read, too. It uses quite colourful writing to grab my attention and deliver the information I need for a smooth, unimpeded reading experience. I'd definitely say that the writing in this one is elevated above the usual 'decent-good' level the vast majority of stories (including my own) fall into. And that makes it all the easier to get invested in the story.

I confess, I was more interested in reading about Frostbite than the trio from the show. She was pretty damn cool (no pun intended). Not only did the story clearly get across how tough she was, it did so whilst making it very clear that she was a genuinely nice and heroic pony, particularly when the matter of her having to save the others surfaced. During the whole thing, I actually wanted her to let go, simply because I liked her so much. She might not have had much time dedicated to her, but I feel she definitely made an impact, and is the highlight of this story for me.

Discord is probably the second most impressive thing in this story for me. Whilst I confess, I don't generally get much of a kick out of reading Discord, this one was very in character, and given how rare it is to see, I feel that definitely deserves praise.

With those two pretty great parts of the story out of the way, all that leaves is the rest of it, which I'd definitely say is satisfactory at its worst. And when the worst a story gets is satisfactory, I think I'm onto a winner. I could go on and on about things that I think could have been improved, but frankly, I don't want to: it's already an awesome story as it is. It doesn't need my dubious advice to make it much better.

I also have to give props to the author considering the length of the story. This is more on a personal level, but I'm really glad he was able to belt it out in one chapter. I'm not great at long stories, unfortunately. The fact that it contained itself in this length is another thing I think the story does right.

So. That one was pretty awesome.

Reviewed To Fill the Sky With Lights

Rejected

Yet another Celestia and Luna discuss Nightmare Moon story. There are dozens of stories like it. It held some novelty for me once, a long time ago, but not so much any more.

What I wanted from the story was something new I could sink my teeth into. Something halfway novel that might provide something new. As a matter of fact, this story provides it: a festival celebrating the day ponies put stars in the sky themselves using fireworks.

That's cool. It's whimsical and magical and fits perfectly into Equestria, and the universe of MLP. Too bad the execution is lacking, here, because I'd really like to reward the concept more.

The pacing is too fast. The conflict has very little build-up and very little struggle before it's resolution. Characters leap to drastic emotions quickly, and get over them just as fast. For pete's sake, the story needs to slow down, to give these feelings and scenes time to gather momentum and power. The speed at which the story races through Luna learning of the festival, and getting into an argument with Celestia makes this story feel more like a vaccination that it actually taking its time to make me feel for the characters, here. Especially when we get to the crux of the matter, which is, as it always is with these kinds of stories: don't take your sister for granted. She'll turn into a supervillain.

If the story had taken more time, and capitalized on it's novel concept, I'd have enjoyed this one a lot more. As it is, the festival feels like just another excuse for the same old discussions I always see in Luna and Celestia fics.

Oh, and the writing was a bit stilted from time to time. It could use a proofreader or something now and then.

4819185

A) Told you.

B) Does this mean I can submit another fic now? This wasn't the best story of mine, just the most mechanically proficient.

4819290 Yesh, you can submit a next one now!

4814932 I understand. I'll try harder next time. I'm sorry.

Reviewed Smelting a Cutie Mark

Accepting

My feelings about this story are somewhat two-fold. On one hand, I think the story delivers a simple, if well trodden, concept about earning your cutie mark. It also goes about this in a rather charming way, with a colourful, likeable character, a bit of whimsical creativity and characters who are solidly in character.

Really, I suspect that's what carries the story, and made the reading experience enjoyable despite it certainly not going as far as I believe it should. For one, the description in the story is remarkably flat, as is the delivery of most of the story. A character appears, is given a sentence worth of description (which isn't all that impressive a sentence, either) and then we move on.

passing an earth pony with a tan brown coat with a light yellow mane and tail as she did.

That above is the introduction to one of the central characters of the story, and it's about as dull as ditchwater. I suspect I could have enjoyed the story so much more if as much colour was injected into the writing as went into the strange backstory about an electric forge (which used both canon elements as well as a fair bit of interpretation).

This also brings me to something that always irked me in descriptions, especially one sentence descriptions like that. What does describing a character's colour tell you about a character? It doesn't indicate their personality, behaviour, or ambitions. It doesn't have an impact on the story. I could have gone the entire story without ever needing to know that the smithpony was tan brown with a light yellow mane.

Some writers are clever to attach connotations to colours which direct the imagination in a certain way. (When I describe 'mud brown' it's hard not to think of dirt. An emerald green mane can't help but sound a little refined) Not so in this story, however.

The story also does descend into telling at times, although I feel it does show enough of the important bits, like the Crusaders exploring the smithy.

For getting it's point across and being creative, I feel the story is solid enough to accept, and I daresay many people will certainly enjoy it. However, I feel the description and some of the writing could benefit from being refined a bit.

4847498 I need to grind up my writing before I can take on the final boss: Nega-HapHazred!
It's something that I think I'm improving on, but I'm not entire sure if I actually am.
Despite that, I'm glad you enjoyed it! Hopefully, someday it'll be polished to the point of reaching that extra mile. Wouldn't that be something?

4847626 In your defence, I am particularly grumpy today. I don't suppose you've ever tried state machines in Labview? It's quite the experience.

The negativity is strong with me today. >: (

4847633 I didn't get far enough into my computer ed. to tackle those, but I can definitely understand the frustration.
My heart weeps for you.

4847655 My heart weeps for me too, trust me.

Congrats on getting in, btw. It really was more creative than I expected it to be.

Read the fic 'Razzmatazz Road', by Matthew DePointe (Linkedy Link)

Rejecting

The story is currently incomplete, and it only has one chapter at the moment, so I'll have to judge it entirely on this first entry.

S.E Ponetti, a loosely moral freelancer, has to liquidize an asset, while partaking in chardonnay and cake. In the rotten town of Los Pegasus, he plans on doing some interesting damage. A survival story about a pony who cannot and will not be defined.

Cannot be...defined? Okay.
I believe the story can be defined, though. It seems like it's trying a very gangster-dark setting. At times, I feel like it's trying a bit too hard:

heroin- and whisky-filled stomach.

And you know that thing about cake? Yeah, there's a lemon-cake in it, too. I'm not entirely sure why. It kind of breaks the whole 'dark gangster' vibe when you start talking about a mare who's nice enough to slip a free cookie into your bag.

Anyway, my main issue with it is formatting. There's a couple of times where it seems like the 'enter' key has been pressed accidentally, which are easy enough to fix:

There wasn’t much outside of a

small television

“I was afraid she’d ID me to someone. Screaming and shit, she was starting to be a nuisance.

I’ve hit

And there's also a run-on sentence describing the house:

The building in front of me made my own home look like a palace that had angels dancing on top of it.

Which'll be easy enough to split up. There's also a pitfall that the writer may want to avoid later on- description during speech, or lack thereof. There's quite a few speech segments without anything but the dialogue itself, and it can be bad practice to do so for too long:

His eyes flopped and his nose twitched. “Whose name?”

“The mare you almost bludgeoned to death. What’s her name?”

“You mean, you don’t know? Wouldn’t they tell you that?”

“They don’t tell me everything, only the essentials. I’m just curious, I have an interest in names.”

There are some other issues that could be addressed later (why is it rated 'teen' when it talks so much about drugs?). For now though, I believe that formatting is the key thing to get right.

Reading Return Home

I've gotten really good at predicting what happens in Celly and Luna fics! Maybe this one will surprise me.

4852201
You got your threads just a little bit switched around. We're in the self-submissions decision thread here. If you're looking to self-submit, then you'd actually want this thread.

4852258
Oh goodness! Delete! Delete! Delete!
Oh, and look at this device.

4852265
Okay, I'll look. What does it-

...What was I doing?

4852283 Bwahahaha! I am so sorry! I know that this is suppose to be a discussion decision thread for self-promoted stories and I don't know if I'm suppose to even type this comment here, but I cannot help but laugh at this comment!

Read Return Home

Rejecting

I had actually managed to read this one a few days ago, but I was far too busy to sit down for half an hour and write up my review. Sorry for the delay.

I've gone through a few Celestia and Luna fics, and they generally follow the same trends. Luna feels guilty, Celestia feels sad. There's often a bit in there about Celestia having kept up being unhappy for a thousand years. A bit of regret. Bonding!

This one does very little to differentiate itself from the huge amount of stories that have preceded it. Bear in mind that stories about Celestia and Luna are as old as the season one premier, when the matter of her redemption became a thing. For something like this to have an ounce of novelty, it is going to have to include something colourful and original. Something unique. Something that captures my interest.

This story does not have that. It's a slice of life without much conflict. Luna feels guilty, and almost instantly runs through all the same scenes I've seen in other stories. The bit where Celestia shows a moment of weakness about being alone for a thousand years. The bit where Luna feels out of place in this new time period. The bit where they act all happy and un-princessy. I am hard pressed to think of anything unique about this story, especially considering it's come out in 2015, five years after people started writing exactly this story.

The writing needs improvement too. There's improper paragraphing errors, some very stilted and gramatticaly false sentences, the odd improper capitalization, and a few other things that could use a proper look through. There are too many of these to associate to mere typos.

All in all, whilst this story doesn't elicit particularly negative feelings from me, frankly, it doesn't elicit any at all. This story needs an original idea, or something to really spice up the presentation of this, incredibly old, overwritten story. Currently, it's as vanilla as it can get, and since there are stories exactly like it done better, I can't recommend this.

Reviewed first three and a half chapters of Black Hoof: A Mafia Story

Rejecting

The Black Hoof is a story about Spike in an alternate universe Equestria, where everything is more like a gangster movie. I can't say I'm too well versed in the genre, but I'm familiar enough to get the general idea. In this story there are two different crime organizations, one led by Celestia and the other by Luna. Spike starts out as a chauffeur for two of the mobsters, Dash and Rarity, and eventually gets caught up in their misadventures.

My greatest criticism is that the story has very little draw outside of the MLP characters being cast as mobsters. It's one of those AU stories where the main interest seems to be how the characters were cast. The thing is, sometimes it doesn't really make sense. I feel that there should be some kind of point that's being made about the characters or story here. It really just feels like the story is shoving the names of these characters in a different world with very little to link it to it's original material. Celestia and Luna are at odds here, but at the time when Rainbow, Rarity and the rest of them were there in the show, they weren't. Suri Polomare is a secretary, for some reason. Spike is a chauffeur, and I don't know why. In fact, he doesn't seem to have any relationship with Twilight whatsoever. Spike might as well be an OC here.

My second greatest criticism is how the story focusses on trivial things. In three chapters, there are a lot of cameos. The Flim-Flam brothers, Diamond and Filthy Rich, and Octavia and Vinyl (in the radio segments) are all in there (and more), even when it's only for a quick scene. The story seems to delight in throwing in an extra name when really, it ends up being kind of distracting. Not to mention very un-subtle. Then there's the descriptions of the cars. I swear there are as many different car types as there are characters. I skimmed over most of those.

Focussing on trivial details is fine in moderation, but in here, the story feels cluttered. That's not to say there's no merit to the story whatsoever. Rainbow and Rarity were quite fun, actually, and surprisingly in character (compared to Spike and Celestia who have very little in common with their original selves). However, at the moment is strikes me as a bit clumsy, cluttered, and really ought to find a way to make itself feel relevant to the original show.

Thy Little Filly Twi by Savoured Thoughts

Rejecting

We get to know what an evil-Twilight is thinking as she goes through normal day-to-day toddler routines.
Tags: Comedy, Random, Slice of Life

While I'm not exactly a fan of the premise (she doesn't really do anything, and simply reacts to Cadence feeding her and so on), that can probably all be summed up by 'Slice of Life, Dowg', and would be left at that. I always say, when approached by a short one-shot, that the fic has very little space, and therefore must do one thing particularly well. This does slice of life, and stays at that point.

I wouldn't really say there's much comedy in it, to be honest. Most of the dialogue is despising Cadence. Despising in itself isn't comedy, it needs to be built upon to be funny. I'd say keep it tagged as slice of life, and it'd be fine.

However, there's quite a few little mistakes in this fic, too.

Luckily, someone's brought these mistakes up in the comments (Stone_Mason), and correcting these would probably put this as an accepted work if you resubmitted it (though I would like someone who's a bit more versed in Slice of Life to give a final decision).

4903033 I honestly don't know what people found funny about it. This was a fic written in an hour to escape my two year writer's block streak. If I knew you were going to review it (even though I sent it in months ago) I would of made the changes.

I'd say that the only real thing that I enjoyed about writing it was the use of dialogue.

It was vegetable feces!

That was my favorite line.

While deleting the comedy tag would be nice, there are several moments of humor in the story that it just wouldn't make since to delete it.

I'm good with this review. I won't be resubmitting it, but thanks.

4903253 The thing to remember about reviews in a group like this is, generally, they'll take a while to hash out. Supply vs Reviewers, y'know?

Cheers for being a good sport!

Story: In the Dark of the Night, by dragonjek.

Rating: 8.5/10.

Status: accepted.

Premise: Twilight gets turned into a threstral-alicorn and attracts the attention of a true thestral. The premise does not get this story in: the execution does. Indigo Zap is absolutely adorable in all the right ways, which is really important in a story told mostly from her point of view. The romance doesn't come out nowhere, and Twilight and Indigo's eventual relationship is built on over a month's worth of real friendship and interaction. There's also a subplot about reintegrating a distant tribe of thestrals into Equestria, but it serves more as a backdrop and setup than anything else. I d'awwed and laughed in equal measure, and while this one's nothing special, it's definitely worth the read.

4415513 For the record that intro though it remained is NO LONGER VALID to the story itself. I've clearly posted 2 chapters called "New Intro" which you should focus on instead. Sorry for the inconvenience.

Welp, there's our one story. Now to count down another four weeks till the next one gets reviewed. Wonder when mine's gonna...

Story: The Silver Standard, by PatchworkPoltergeist.

Rating: 9.25/10.

Status: accepted.

I actually regret not reading this one sooner. The Silver Standard takes Ponyville's two least popular fillies and turns them both into sympathetic and sometimes likable characters, all without deviating in the slightest from canon. It even managed to make Diamond's reformation more believable with a chapter that came out before that episode aired. It may not have blown me away the way my true favorites do, but it does what it set out to do and does it extremely well. I could tell that Diamond and Silver's problems with fitting in stemmed from living upper class lives in a lower-middle class town: they don't bully for the sake of bullying, they do it because they follow completely different standards than the CMC, and find their behavior deplorable. This story deserves it's almost flawless like/dislike ratio.

Story: The Apprentice, the Student, and the Charlatan, by Rytex.

Rating: 6/10

Status: rejected, barely.

This one was a bit harder to judge than usual. On the one hand, we've got passable prose, an interesting OC and a good setup for a lengthy plot, but on the other it did very little to actually grab my interest. I am fully capable of enjoying a good OC story, but this one felt a bit bland. If I hadn't been reading it for this review, I would have tagged it read-it-later after only a few sentences and then never seen it again.

From a purely objective viewpoint this one passes: it is a decent story, with everything that requires. However, it doesn't feel alive: I don't care about what happens next. It feels like a paint by numbers. For a story to be good it has to hold my attention on its own long enough for me to finish it, and this one didn't achieve that.

4970700

Feedback noted. I guess that's the whole point of the revision it's currently going through, and even those earlier chapters are still in flux. Still, I'm gonna take the fact that it almost made it as a good indicator of where I'm at.

4970700

Though if I may ask, how can I make it more interesting? Obviously, that's what you suggested I improve on, and while I'm looking through it, I don't know what I'm looking for since I was the guy who went "This is fine." Any suggestions? Any really glaring issues? Or is it just a general dullness of writing?

4970862 The spark of life in a story is not that easy to pin down. I've seen it in prose that is both beautiful and barely legible, so it's not strictly skill. I actually can't think of what it is, and I created and scrapped three separate explanations as I wrote this reply. I only work at writing level four, and this is a level three concept, at least. Sorry about that.

4970937 I don't suppose you could try to pin it down a bit? I've got no problem removing a bland story from folders if you feel it's necessary, but I've not got much information explaining why it was bland, or even what the story was about. Some clarification would be really rather helpful to me, and no doubt the author too.

4971036 The story about an OC who becomes Luna's equivalent to Twilight Sparkle and then has to fight a mysterious shadowy nightmare figure with her that's been asleep for a 1000 years while Trixie Lulamoon makes a mess, along with some shipping between said OC and Twilight.

I had to force myself to finish enough to make a decent review, which in and of itself is a bad sign, but it just felt like I've been here already: done this dance, seen this show, that sort of thing. Originality does still count, and the only spark of it I remember seeing was the author's choice for the OC to tell his backstory to Luna, but not the audience, which is a writing choice, and not about the content.

Add in the fact that sometimes the author makes odd word arrangements:

A biting wind blew through the streets of Neighton, causing many of the street goers to tense and bundle up even tighter than they were already. It had definitely been one of the colder winters up to that point. Fortunately, winter wrap-up was right around the corner, but until then, the citizens were stuck dealing with it.

That was the first paragraph. Nothing horrible, but it could be improved like so:

A biting wind blew through the streets of Neighton, causing many of the street goers to tense up and wrap what scant clothing they wore tighter around themselves. It had definitely been one of Equestria's colder winters, and fortunately winter wrap-up was right around the corner. Until then, however, the citizens were stuck dealing with the cold.

Of course, I could just be being a sourpuss with this story just barely making the cut.

4971066 Nah, sounds like you've got a solid reasoning going on in your head. I just needed to check an' stuff.

I wouldn't know the details without reading the story myself, but now if some bloke comes at me with questions I can talk a bit about what you've thought, which is all I really need in the end.

Given that this thread hasn't been touched since my last review, I'll do another one here.

Story: Late Night Coffee, by EagleWings21.

Rating: 6.5/10.

Status: rejected.

Reason: This is a slice of life in the purest sense, to be precise a slice of Rainbow Dash's life as she contemplates the lack of progress she has made toward any of her life goals. She's still in the Wonderbolt reserves, still a weather pony, and still hasn't found a coltfriend despite her friends's needling. While this story is well written and decently paced, it falls short in exactly two ways. First of all, it has no real goal or overarching plot. Second, it is very tell heavy, saying exactly what Rainbow is thinking as she mulls over her drink. I've done a similarly introspective piece myself, called More Than a Friend, and it showed what Moondancer was thinking almost exclusively through her expressions and her interaction with her surroundings, limiting the telling to putting it in context. While the telling isn't a big problem, the lack of storyline is, which is why I believe this story doesn't make the cut. However, if the author come back with a story with a plot, based on his skill level it'll probably make it in.

I seem to be the only one reviewing the self submissions anymore. Weird.

Anyway, today we've got What a Day, by EagleWings21.

Rating: 6/10.

Status: rejected.

I think the best way to describe this story would be clumsy, but endearing. It wants to be one of those funny and sweet slice of life stories, but a lack of grace in the descriptions, setup, character motivations and dialogue all undermine that. It also didn't feel very fresh, like I'd seen everything inside before and had little interest in continuing. It's not bad, per se, but I only got one chuckle instead of what should have been a continuous stream of giggling. Maybe if the author improves a bit and comes back to rewrite this story it could be accepted, but as it is it's not ready.

5092303 You are for the time being. I'll be back once the non-self subs are under 100 again.

5092532 Sounds good. By the way, a bunch of the stories I've hit recently haven't been removed from the submissions box yet. When you get the time, could you take care of that?