5092660 Sure. To be honest, sometimes I think it bugs out and doesn't remove them properly. I'll try and get around to it sooner rather than later. If I don't, be sure to remind me: the old memory isn't so great, I'm afraid.

Story: Alone, by Dafadduh.

Rating: 9/10.

Status: accepted.

I stood before the doors to Princess Celestia’s private chambers, just as I had so many times before, and waited. I’ve always been a nervous mare before our meetings, wondering if what I had done measured up to her expectations. But then, I had never before entered those rooms with the blood of another being on my hooves. I swallowed, dreading what I would discover behind those doors.

Now that is how you write an opening paragraph, and it only got better from there. I'd go on at length about the plot, the thoroughness of the concept, and the execution, but those would require spoilers, so I'll refrain. The only thing I didn't love was the ending, because while it's well done, it's not clever or creative in the way the rest of the story was. Again, any details would be full of spoilers, so just go read it yourself.

Edit: This story needs the horror tag, but it was written before that existed so I can understand why it's not there.

Story: Black Lotus, by Winston.

Rating: 7.5/10.

Status: accepted, I think.

This is a story that exists for the concept it tries to convey, that the world Twilight lives is a simulation in the same way a dream is a simulation, and whether that ultimately changes anything. Your enjoyment of the story will be entirely based on how you react to the message, as it has no grammatical errors and the like holding it back and little else to offer besides the central concept. I personally found it (the concept) mildly interesting, but nothing more. The story is well written, otherwise, providing a sounding board for Twilight and a good setup to the main philosophical discussion, and it did nothing to offend the eyes or ears. In the end, I decided to accept it, mainly because my story More Than a Friend existed for the concept it tried to convey, and got in as well.

Edit: Crash Course just went over this subject, go check it out.

Story: The Iron Horse: Everything's Better With Robots! by The Hat Man

Rating: 9.25/10

Status: accepted.

This is another story that I wish I'd read sooner. It's all about how the ponies would react to a pony shaped A.I. trying to learn how to act 'human' so to speak, and it does a magnificent job of it. Character building is a core aspect of the story, and it handles it masterfully, allowing Miss Turing Test (the robot) to have more personality than some real life people. Combine that with the kind of messes that appear when there is more than one plotter and more than one plan and you've got a rollicking good tale.

Most important of all, though, is that this story is strangely relevant. Automation is a real thing, even if we don't have true A.I. yet, and many of the concerns expressed by Celestia and Applejack (the real ones, not their first impressions) are real life problems. I understand her viewpoint perfectly, and while I may not agree with it I don't hate them for feeling that way and believe they could benefit from a conversation about the topic with someone from our world. I don't fear automation because I chose a career that isn't an easy target, but most people aren't so lucky. For the full scoop see the video below.

5120917 Many thanks, Architect! I'm very honored to have my main work accepted (and rated so highly, no less!).

When writing this story, I really wanted to create a character-centered piece with multiple layers. That's why the story is focused on smaller arcs that show both how the robot protagonist, Turing Test, is adapting to daily life as a machine among organic beings, and also how the ponies of Equestria adapt to her. These individual interactions are set against the larger background plot of two ideologies clashing against each other: constant technological advancement versus technophobia. Turing Test is caught in the middle, but no one is necessarily the villain, for she both is an individual and a representative of a future that not everyone wants. Should automation and artificial intelligence continue unabated for the prospect of a safer, more efficient world, or are we blundering into a future in which we've made ourselves redundant?

That's exactly the type of discussion, in addition to the drama and humor of the more intimate moments, that I wanted to spur. And I'm really happy that such themes are being recognized.

Story: Boarding School, by HaloEssence111.

Rating: Pending further updates, currently 7.5+/10.

Status: accepted in the future.

Well maybe not the most original idea in and of itself, this is the first I've seen it on this site. Diamond Tiara goes a bit too far in her bullying and ends up sent to a reform school, where's she's thrown completely out of her depth and forced to interact with real problem fillies. Sent to the school instead of jail level problem fillies, not petty bullies like Diamond is. Diamond's portrayal is what really makes this one, as you see how spoiled a brat she is but want her to succeed at the same time, especially in the face of kids who are really screwed up. At this point the stories main plot hasn't really kicked in yet, except that it's possible at least one of the students is mind controlling a teacher and the school seems closer to a prison, which it essentially is, at least the part Diamond ended up in. Punishment is really harsh, although we haven't seen just how harsh yet, and brainwashing is a distinct possibility if the story wants to go that way.

I'm curious where it's going to go at this point, and although it hasn't been updated in a few months the author is still active, so I've got high hopes. Basically, once the main plot kicks in in another few chapters I think it'll be ready to add.

Story: The Ties that Bind Us, by The Equestrian.

Rating: 5.5/10

Status: rejected

This story is confusing. That's the big problem here. To start with, it's a sequel to an M-rated story that isn't in the bin yet, and you kind of need to know what that story was about, if not read it yourself to understand this one. The second problem is that the clunky writing makes it harder to understand what is going on. Does the rest of the cast know about Spike and Twilight's relationship, or do they just know about Spike being turned into a pony? I can't tell, and that's a big problem. That was only the first point of confusion, and I had two more when I stopped around chapter three.

The thing is, this could have been a really good story. Having Twilight turn Spike into a pony and then having them fall into a romantic relationship with each other followed by exploring how that affects them and the world around them sounds fascinating, but the execution is too bungled for me to enjoy it. Get an editor and rewrite this and I think it has a bunch of potential.

Story: Shattered Twilight, by Twilight Nightmare.

Rating: Pending, currently in the 5-6/10 range.

Status: rejected, pending proofreading, minor edits, and updating for the first time in almost a year.

You'd think that a story with a like/dislike ratio of 65/38 would be an easy reject. It's not, at all. To start with, the writing isn't terrible. It's a little clunky and could use some cleaning up, but it wasn't a total eyesore. Second, the story concept sucked me in at first, although once I pulled back to study it it came off as a little ridiculous. I think the subject itself, enslavement and prostitution, is responsible for all the downvotes, not the story written about the subject. This one needs some streamlining before I'm comfortable letting it in, but I must admit it was a pleasant surprise. However, given that the author hasn't been on for over two weeks, I'm not sure he's ever coming back.

5155987 That is rather strange. That much red is usually a sign of an easy rejection.

You'll have to forgive me for being slow on my own reading: between reading for other groups I have to do as well as work for uni, I find myself a bit overwhelmed at present.

5156725 It's fine man. If you don't have time you don't have time. This a hobby, not a job.

Story: Ab Initio-From the Start-Al Principio., by Daxn.

Rating: 4/10

Chapters read: 4.

Status: rejected.

It turns out I'd started on this one a long time ago, only to stop after two chapters and slap a dislike on it. I now remember why I did that. First, clunky prose. The writing is riddled with grammar and spelling errors, making the story difficult to understand, but that could be excused on its own. However, the real problem here is the characterization of Spike and Twilight's mother. Namely, Spike is a massive jerk who isn't acting like himself at all and Twilight Velvet is completely crazy with no explanation. Spike gloats over Twilight's predicament because it means he doesn't to take orders from her, which isn't how he sees their situation at all, and the real Spike would be by Twilight's side helping her through her ordeal instead of dumping her as the first opportunity. Meanwhile, Twilight Velvet starts treating her daughter like a toddler out of nowhere, with Twilight only putting up a token defense to being forced into a diaper, among other things. I decided to stop there before this story got really messed up, but I saw enough.

The number of stories I've given a 3-5 to I can count on one hand. This one earned it.

Btw, HapHazard? Boarding school is ready for acceptance and some of the stories I've hit are still in the submissions folders. If it's ok with you, I'd like the ability to remove them myself so I don't have to bother you anymore.

5171872

Oh well. Admittedly, it is quite awful indeed, but at least it got me my viewer base to launch more worthy stories.

Sorry for the long absence: I had been somewhat occupied with real life stuff as well as activities on this site not related to the Goodfic Bin.

Read first chapter of Rainbows in the Sky (no link because mature)

Rejecting

Over my time here I've become increasingly frosty towards Spike pairings, although I try and remind myself that the majority of ones that I read simply don't represent others very well (as is the case for most things, in my experience). Still, I feel that a lot of them seem to suck themselves into a black hole of decisions that seem to try and 'fix' the character (for lack of a better word) and in the process make him somewhat generic and boring.

I rather like Spike, although more as a side-character than a protagonist. I've been a bit of a fan of his more sarcastic moments tempered by a generally helpful nature.

This story, however, takes Spike and turns him into an adult, which is, I assume, to address the issue that Spike is, as far as he's portrayed in the show, a child. I've seen debates rage over shipping groups about whether pairing him with other characters without ageing him up is ethical or not, and whilst in general I don't care (Spike being a fictional character) I do feel that if even the people shipping him feel the need to age him up, then there may likely be some cause for unease.

My problem here is that in the first chapter I can't recognize Spike, which is one of the biggest problems I've found with stories that age characters up: it doesn't provide a very tangible link (aside from saying (ie, telling) that's who he is) to the character he's supposed to be. He's neither small nor diminutive, he isn't shown to be doing much of anything I'd normally associate with Spike (banter with Twilight, for example) and his physical appearance is even radically different, since he can now fly. This change in particular isn't built up to so much as just shoved in my face, which made me distance this new character named Spike from the Spike I'm familiar with in the show.

Other problems are present in the first chapter too, which made for a very rough first impression, ranging from improper capitalizations to issues with dialogue. More irritating for me, though, was how blunt the story was, as if it just couldn't wait to start advertising itself as a romance:

“Don't worry I will take extra precautions next time”. He said while stroking her mane. Rainbow Dash Started to fly home with a smile in her face accompanied by a slight blush. Spike simply sighed as he watched her fly away. He turned around to see four large equine eyes gazing upon him.

“AWWWWWW!”

Spike began to blush furiously. “Wh....what”? He asked while stepping backwards.

“You two are so cuuuute together”.

(also note the capitals, which I think are incredibly ugly to look at, and the punctuation on the outside of the dialogue markers)

This is the first clue we've got that there might be a romantic element in the story (barring tags) and as you can see it's delivered with a distinct lack of subtlety. If even it were delivered a little more diligently or in a more appealing manner, I might be all right with the two having an attraction right off the bat, but between me having a keen awareness that the changes done to Spike's character are done for the romance storyline as well as the hurried pacing, I found myself very turned off.

A quick check at future chapters indicates that these problems, both mechanical and otherwise, remain present. At the current stage this story is in, I don't see much reason to read it unless you happen to be a highly dedicated RainbowSpike fan.

5189874 Yeah, I knew that one wasn't getting in, but I thought would be for the implied clop instead of being poorly structured.

5192527 Truth be told, I ain't got no beef with a bit of explicit shenanigans so long as I don't feel that's all the substance there is to it.

I've not seen many examples of that, though, which is a shame. Truth be told, I think it's because it's harder to make something feel like it's got substance to it when there's explicit stuff happening at the same time: it tends to absorb most of my attention whenever it happens like a sort of black hole of 18+ nonsense, which makes it really hard to remember all the other stuff that happens.

Read Benkei: Untold

Quantity read: All

Rejecting

Sorry for taking so long on this one. Beyond exams and other worldly concerns, this story proved to be a mixed bag when I read it, so it made for a difficult decision to make regarding its entry here.

It's about a bloke named Benkei, who is a big name in japanese folklore, apparently. I confess, I've never heard about him, but a quick google-search indicated that many others had. He's a monk who tends to fight a lot and served a lord at some point. He was very loyal and stuff. A solid bloke, so I hear.

This story involves him arriving in Equestria after his death. I found the first few chapters promising, but as the story continued I found it lacked substance. An awful lot of substance, actually. Its beginning was proper decent, I found, and included a lot of detail regarding Benkei's more samurai-ish culture (which I confess to not knowing much about, but at the very least, it was interesting to read about here) and presented rather cool things like him being unable to speak Equestrian (which most HiE don't do, on average, and even had him speaking in actual japanese (I can't vouch for its accuracy, however, but even if it's all backwards I can appreciate the effort made)) and looked like it was setting itself up quite nicely.

Unfortunately, I don't think what it was setting up was very worthwhile. It turns out that aside from a very hurried and trivial romance between Angel (the rabbit) and Akeeta (another rabbit, who's there for some reason) Benkei's trouble fitting in with the ponies is resolved quite quickly on when he becomes Fluttershy's protector. I found the relationship between the two to not go any further between protector and poor weak pony, which was disappointing.

Other elements of conflict, such as them being attacked by diamond dogs, comes very much out of the blue. When I came to reflect on what I liked about the story, I found that very little of the actual events pleased me much. The only persistent conflict is that Benkei is a warlike being and the ponies aren't, which I can't say really caught my attention, having seen similar plotlines from other soldier in Equestria stories. The rest is typically either quickly resolved or has some other element that makes it feel contrived. Angel and Akeeta's romance really is just them meeting, Akeeta getting angry at him, and the next they meet they're in love.

There are also some writing problems in there, such as the weird tendency to do this:

"Kon'nichiwa, sukoshi yūjin. Anata ga namae o motte imasu ka?" ,

(note the comma after the end of the dialogue)

Frankly, though, it's the fact that most of the story just felt a bit generic once you got past the concept of a samurai-monk-thing being the human instead of Average Joe from Boringtown. Heck, the story doesn't even feel the need to include any other character outside of Fluttershy and Twilight, which feels like a huge missed opportunity. Benkei doesn't feel like he really has a reason to be so attached to Fluttershy (it took beating him in combat to squeeze an oath of fealty from him before, but Fluttershy just bats her eyes and he decides to lay down his life for her) and the story feels very weirdly paced at times.

I can't find it in myself to dislike this story, but I can't think of something I really liked here either.

5286484 Fair enough. I appreciate you taking the time to give it a read, and much appreciate the solid review. Your criticism will allow me to strive to improve further down the line.

Thank you.

5286484

ut Fluttershy just bats her eyes and he decides to lay down his life for her

Well, to be fair, this is Fluttershy we're talking about. If a mare can get the lord of Chaos under her belt a monk should be no problem

5289229 To be just as fair, Discord is about as easy to manipulate as lukewarm play-doh.

Story: Fire and Iron, by The Canadian Patriot.

Rating: 7/10.

Status: rejected.

This is yet another story with a terrible rating that isn't as bad as it appears, once again because of the subject material. In this case, however, instead of being about enslavement and forced prostitution, it's Warhammer 40k. Actually, that sums up all of my thoughts about the story: it's Warhammer 40k. To be honest, I'm shocked this one made it past the moderators, because as far as I can tell it's not related to ponies in any way, shape, or form. I've tried to upload a story with more pony elements in it than this (including a character from the actual series) and had it rejected because a few simple name swaps would be enough to make it not-pony. Even the ruling government, which is one of the few things that an MLP/40k would have an easy time with, is more Warhammer than pony. Honestly, how hard is it to have a God-Empress instead of a God-Emperor?

Also, through some miracle this writer managed to get permission to use the OCs of Firebrand and Ink Rose from their Youtube owners, although since I couldn't hear the protagonist speaking in Firebrand's voice and Ink Rose hasn't shown up at all yet, I don't know why he bothered.

Those however, are my only real problems with this one. Objectively, its fine. The writing is decent, the plot, what little of it currently exists, is passable, and the story does do a fair job of capturing the tone of Warhammer 40k. That doesn't excuse the main problem though: it's not pony. At all. In truth, this story should have been posted on another fanfiction site entirely with all the MLP stuff stripped out as a straight Warhammer tale. Why? Because that's what it is. It's not pony, and doesn't belong on a pony dedicated site, or in this group.

5300762 Ah, crossovers. Don't'cha just love 'em?

5301874 Usually yes. Good ones are fantastic fun. The problem is this story isn't really a crossover: it's a Warhammer story with just enough pony decals to fool the site into letting it stay. If you want a good Warhammer crossover, go read the Age of Iron series.

Here I am, a year later, waiting for my chance at a review...

Always like coming back here to read the reviews though, they're always well thought out. Keep up the good work.

And no, i'm not trying to get a favourable review through flattery...

5300762 I don't deny that my story is very AU heavy and that it is very much more 40K then it is pony in it's current form. I had planned to later on explore and explain the concept of the mane six being what is the universes female Primarch (called Matriarchs) but the problem (and I freely admit to it being a problem) is that a lot of the foundational backstory to this worlds lore 1) started to emerge when I first started writing and had very little experience in crafting a story and 2) I've been coming up with the lore for a number of years now. This means a number of things. One, the foundational lore is an absolutely amateurish mess which I will most likely never allow to see the light of day; and two, this "universe" has followed me through various periods of my life. The current universe actually started out as an ancient Roman AU based on the campaigns of Julius Caesar in Gaul. At the time I was a fan of everything Ancient Rome, which started as the bones of the story. Half a year later I discovered 40K and as my mind likes to do, it took the pieces of 40K that I liked, took what I already had in my head, and stomped on them until they decided to fit. This means that the early part of "The Imperium's" history is a jumbled mess of Ancient Rome and some pseudo-bastardized medieval version of 40K (kinda like Age of Sigm-*BLAM*) So as it, yeah I freely admit that the lore for this universe is a jumbled mess and if anyone asks about it I'll wave my hands and give some half-assed vague answer because the specifics are incredibly stupid on a story level. Going back to the top about it having almost nothing to do with MLP? Yeah, I have to agree with you. I've actually considered scrapping the universe all together and just write plain 40K fanfiction, but whenever I think about it, or my mind starts turning the wheels of imagination, I always seem to want to come back to this universe. Maybe I'm just to close to my work to see that it needs to be abandoned, that is a definite possibility. Also, as for using Ink Rose and Firebrand I have two reasons; one is that knowing that Firebrand is/was a Marine I simply couldn't leave the idea alone. And the Mordian uniform always did remind of the USMC Dress uniform. And I thought "If I'm using Firebrand, why not to also have Ink Rose involved" and it sort of took off from there. The second reason is that I freely admit that writing original protagonists can be somewhat troubling for me. I've gotten better, I hope, but it can still be a struggle at times. I hope this helped explain some of the faults in this story and franchise.

On another note; I'm writing a fic that takes place in the same universe that is essentially a crossover between it and another AU fanfiction! Then after that its off to crossing it over with Fo:E PH! Don't you all just love me?

I was able to wake up unusually early today, so after some mundane chores, I thought it would be a good idea to venture out and clear some Self-Submissions. Here we go!

Reviewing: From Your Most Grateful Admirer

Read: All

Status: Accepted

Here we have a deceptively simple SoL tale that has much more going on than a first reading will reveal. It begins with Discord getting Twilight's attention through one of his usual pranks, but unlike his regular MO this one is fairly tame. I should also probably mention this story takes place soon after the events of Twilight's Kingdom, which is important as it serves as the background for this premise. Here's the description:

He didn't deserve another chance after what he did, but he got one. He got the forgiveness he never expected, from the last pony he ever expected to get it from. In gratitude to her, he writes her a letter, thanking her and her friends for everything.

His mind and heart laid bare both to himself and those who read it. He has the freedom he truly wanted.

But you know what? Just a letter isn't enough. No, he must tell her himself.

Again, it seems simple and straightforward, and it does start out that way. The author makes excellent use of scene description and dialogue to accurately portray the characters, as well as not overwhelming the reader with details we already know.

But there's a twist at the end that one will miss if one is not careful. Admittedly, it hinges greatly on the reader's acceptance of the author's headcanon, but once that low hurdle is cleared the rest falls into place.

******

Reviewing: The lone stallion

Read: Two chapters

Status: Rejected

This story is a mishmash of clunky phrasing, inconsistent punctuation, misspelled words and frustrating plotlines. Let's start with the description:

It was supposed to be just another night watch, but fate had other plans for our favorite princess of the night. A new foe arises from the depths of Tartarus and threatens to lead Luna back to her Nightmare ways. Who is this mysterious beast and what are his treacherous plans for Equestria?

That's actually quite good. It gives the gist of the tale without being overdone, as well as being grammatically sound. Unfortunately, this is but a high point, and the tale goes downhill from there.

As Luna finished her watch, she realized there was still one place she had to visit, before leaving forCanterlot; the Everfree forest. As Luna flew lower, a sudden fealing of unease crept up to the night guardian.

In the example above, we have incorrect spacing, the use of a semicolon where a colon should be used, and the word "feeling" misspelled. Also, that should probably be, " a feeling of unease crept upon the night guardian."

Just as she was nearing the edge of the Everfree forest, a loud shriek pierced her ears. It was a shriek of a helpless pony in danger and a shriek that Luna was all too familiarized with.

Improper tense as well as clunky phrasing. I can overlook the sentence ending with a preposition but the word should be "familiar."

Quickly locating the source, Luna’s dark blue wings darted her to the ground, speeding as fast as she could to help the vulnerable colt.

As she landed on a clearing below a unicorn stallion was standing in front of her.

His coat was a dark blue shad and his baby blue eyes watched, in both fear and shock, at the nocturnal regal that stood in front of him. Atop his forehead a pale blue shone viciously at the night guardian, ready to strike at any moment.

Okay, whose perception is being addressed here, Luna's or the stallion's? It's a "pale blue" what, his horn? And how exactly does whatever it is shine "viciously"?

Errors like the examples above abound in this story, and I have yet to point out all of them. Suffice to say this tale badly needs an editor and a proofreader, as well as consistency in the POVs.

The main problem with this story is it is simply not engaging. I can overlook the occasional mechanical error if I can still become invested in the tale, but that was not the case here. There was no build up as the reader is being told about the conflicts, instead of being shown. While characters like Luna and Celestia need no introduction, there still needs to be a bit of a lead-in to show their various plights. For example, I get that the first chapter is a dream sequence, but the clunky phrasing and misspelled words rob it of its impact:

“Leave me alone!” the stallion roared, snapping Luna out of her thougths, as his horn became infused with pure, concentrated, magic. Not heading his warning, Luna inched closer.

Fueled by fear, a beam flew out of his horn and towards the nocturnal regal.

The princess noticed the deadly beam of magic hurdling towards her. In the split second reaction time she had, the ruler of night managed to evade the destructive beam and pursue the stallion in air.

“Stop young unicorn!” she yelled out to him “I am only here to help thou! I mean you no harm!” She tried to calm him down, but it only made the stallion angrier.

Again, we have the tale jump from one POV to another in the same paragraph. It started out with Luna's perspective, to the stallion's, then back to Luna's. Pro tip: don't do that.

Finally, I should also point out the inconsistent use of Luna's voice, which is also jarring. Have her speak in an archaic manner or not, not both.

*****

Reviewing: Music for the Mare in the Moon

Read: All

Status: Accepted

Here we have a very beautiful, very surreal tale that I felt I had to read twice to fully appreciate. Here's the description:

For the nocturne of the Royal Dream Service, the night is the time when their purpose as ponies is fulfilled. By traveling through the Dreamscape, they are capable of delivering dreams to sleeping ponies across the world.

Once each year, one deliverymare is chosen to carry a most important dream--tonight, that mare is Night Whisper. By all rights, it should be a delivery like any other.

A routine delivery. A dream identical to that of each past year, delivered to a mare who lived each day identically to the last.

But nothing can be called "normal" when flying to the Moon.

I have a particular love of stories that offer a glimpse into the relationship between Luna and Celestia, and this tale offers a unique perspective. Through extraordinary world building, we are introduced into the Dream World and the special pegasi, called 'nocturnes', that work within it. It was difficult at first to understand the settings, for the background is a mixture of the Waking World and the Dream one, hence my second reading. Even so, the tale hits its stride once the protagonist makes it to the Moon, and the impact of reading this part was just as intense on the second reading as it was in the first. There, and afterwards, the true feelings each Sister has for the other shone forth, and I must say as a reader it was a privilege to see. Their plight was so well done, it was only the knowledge of the eventual outcome, though not covered in this tale, that saved this reader from despair.

A sequel would be most welcome, for I find this world fascinating and would dearly love to see more of Night Whisper's adventures.

5328477

EEEEEEEEEE! I did it! Wooo! I wrote something that got into the Goodfic Bin!

Your critique is incredibly appreciated, as it pretty much confirms everything I wanted to accomplish with it. It's by no means an ambitious story. It's probably the simplest thing I've written overall, but that simplicity I felt was its greatest strength. The clincher of the whole thing definitely is heavily dependent upon my own personal headcanon regarding Discord, but it's one that a lot of people share, and for those that don't I feel I delivered it in a way that is very palatable.

I had been told many times before writing this that I have a great knack for writing Discord, and after Twilight's Kingdom I wanted to really put that to the test with a short but sweet little character piece that would capture everything I saw in the character. I'm incredibly glad that you enjoyed it, and I hope more of you here give it a look and feel the same about the pleasant simplicity of it.

PS: There's one chapter of a sequel story out for it. If you want a glimpse of that attitude check that Discord had in mind for Tirek, then I hope you give it a look, Winter. I'm getting an itch to continue it.

5330280
You are quite welcome, and I certainly encourage you to continue writing. Discord's voice is extremely well done, so I'd love to read how you handle all the other characters.

5328477 First off thank you for the review. Some of the mistakes in this chapter are a cause of redones and rewrites, but I really should edit some of them out. I really try to weed them out as best as I can, but some just keep slipping under my radar.

5331864
That's quite understandable and is a common error among all writers so you're in good company.

Something I've learned as I write is patience. I always go through every chapter at least five times before I publish, looking for errors. A phrase seems off? I fix it. Some scene doesn't quite gel? I fix it. Then, after I've gone over the chapter a few times, I give it one more pass, THEN I hit publish.

As I mentioned, it would be a good idea for you to find an editor. There are many Groups that specialize in this endeavor, so I suggest playing the odds and asking more than a few. Also, I've found that many of Equestria Daily's writers are quite approachable, so you may be able to find someone who has published there to look over your work.

In striving to do your own work, I would also suggest you use a correcting program like Grammerly. It's free and has helped me tremendously in my own stories and reviews.

You certainly have the correct attitude and that is something very hard to acquire if one doesn't have it already. What CANNOT be taught is to be a good storyteller, and you've shown you have the makings. Please continue writing, and I for one will look forward to the tales which you create.

Reviewing: Cutie Mark Crusader Magicians, Yay!

Read: Four chapters

Status: Approved

With a title like that, you know you're in for some weapons-grade Adorable, and this tale did not disappoint. And look! It's got the CMC AND Trixie Lullamoon?! My birthday came early this year.

After another failed attempt to get their cutie marks, the Cutie Mark Crusaders stumble upon a wagon in the woods with a familiar unicorn showmare inside. In awe of Trixie's presence and her tales of travelling across Equestria, they decide she may just be the unicorn to help them get their cutie marks - in stage magic! And it may just be the most difficult trick Trixie's ever attempted.

Now mind you, the Cutie Mark Crusaders making yet another attempt to get their cutie marks is nothing new. This seems to be a favorite subject among authors, despite the fact they've already achieved this goal in canon. What makes this particular attempt special is instead of blowing through one hare-brained project after another, they enlist the help of a very reluctant unicorn. I must point out, however, that I did NOT like the method by which they originally coerced her to help them. In fact, there's actually a squick factor, but it was soon resolved.

I should also point out that this tale takes place after the events in Twilight's Kingdom, which is important for the setting as it's the first time Trixie has returned to Ponyville after the Alicorn Amulet incident. So she's in for quite a few shocks, and if you're familiar with the history between herself and Twilight you know what I mean.

The Comedy is very much of the dry wit variety, and Trixie is by extension ( so far ) bearing the brunt of the humor. But it's not done in a mean-spirited way, so all we Lullamoon fans can relax. The author keeps all the players in character but gives the reluctant protagonist a depth she's not shown before, for despite the title this is very much her story.

*****

Reviewing: My Name is Floyd Damn You!

Read: Three chapters

Status: Rejected

First, let me start out by mentioning this is a Brony in Equestria tale, and for me, that's already one strike against it. Allow me to explain.

The majority of BiEs are blatant self-inserts, wherein the author regales the reader with his fantasy in the pony world. Now, I'm all for using one's imagination, as that is a writer's stock and trade. But this concept has been done to death and beyond, and except in rare cases, it is extremely dry reading. Here's the description for this one:

Well, hello there! The name's Floyd, Pink Floyd. You know, like the band? Anyway, I used to be just a guy named Floyd but now I'm stuck inside of Pinkie Pie. How you ask? Discord. It's always that jerk's fault. Anyway, better get on with this before I go on a tangent. So, I'm a film student, trapped in Pinkie's body. You all got that? Good. Now why don't you pull up a chair and listen to how my life got flipped-turned upside down. I promise, you're gonna like it!

Our tale begins with the protagonist waking one morning in a strange room, only to find out he's not only switched species but switched genders. If you woke up one day and your hair had changed color, the expected reaction would be at least some level of fear. But does he freak out? Become upset? Do anything a person would normally do in such a bizarre situation? Hell no! He's a Brony, so this is a dream come true! Like about a thousand other similar tales, so I'm already bored. After doing some experiments with Fourth Wall Breaking, here's what he does do, and you have to see it for yourself to believe it:

So after about... an hour, I guess? I collected everything I needed. I got the high heels, I have no idea why ponies would have those, the fishnet stockings, the wig, lipstick, and all the other trappings of Tim Curry’s classic look. “Let’s do this,” I say, taking a breath before throwing open the front door of the shop, stepping out into town just as the music started to play... huh I wonder if I can do that on command... Anyway, I gotta town to mess with. So here I am, as Pinkie Pie, dressed up as Dr. Frank-N-Furter from Rocky Horror Picture Show, dancing around like an idiot as various ponies stare on. I gotta say, this is really really fun!

Seriously? The protagonist's first impulse is to dress and act as foolishly as possible for...what? The lulz? The attention? This passage had me questioning whether or not this is a trollfic, but I kept going.

See, here's the other problem with stories like this. It's quite alright to be absurd, silly or even downright foolish, but Make. Me. CARE about the characters! Even the most outrageous tales that are also engaging have some sort of order to them. Later on, we read that Pinkie still exists inside his head, and lo and behold she's okay with the situation as well. Umm...no. A foul-mouthed alien has just taken over her body, interacts with her best friends and has disrupted her life. Pinkie is random, but not that random. This is called a "contrivance," as it does away with common sense for the sake of the plot. And it might be easy plot-wise to say, "Discord did it," but it's still an example of hand waving.

Speaking of Discord, he's not spared the OOC hammer either. I won't subject you to it, but the story actually has him frightened of "Floyd" when after informing him he "can't change him back," Floyd threatens to do a Cupcakes impersonation on him with a knife. Discord. The God of Chaos. Who fought both Celestia and Luna and was only defeated by the Elements of Harmony. Frightened. /facepalm.

If you're going to be outrageous, be FUNNY. It's been done before, so it can be done again.

*****

Reviewing: Memoirs of a Magic Earth Pony

Read: Preface plus three chapters

Status: Accepted

My name is Starswirl and I am an earth pony. This is a collection of stories about my life. As I reflect on the events that have brought me to this home by the sea, I can only hope for one thing; that my life be viewed as ordinary and plain, but my work in theoretical magic be held the highest regard. I placed so much effort into my studies in theoretical magic that it would be a shame to let my work be lost somewhere in the sands of time.

Right away, you know this is going to be a journey, for Starswirl has always been portrayed as a unicorn. But what if he wasn't? What if he was actually an extremely talented Earth pony? Living in a racist time that saw unicorns as superior to the other tribes, with Earth ponies being on the bottom? This Alternate Universe tale fully explores those questions.

I feel I lack the adequate vocabulary to meaningfully convey the wonder I felt as I dove into this tale, but I'll do my best.

This tale begins with Starswirl ( not his real name ) beginning college in a segregated school. Unicorns have the best of everything: their classrooms are better furnished, their equipment is state-of-the-art, they even have their own section in the cafeteria, literally higher than the rest of the students. If that angers you, you have some idea of the emotional impact it had on me. But that's just the start.

Starswirl is a loner who attends Earth pony classes and is informed by one professor ( who is also an Earth pony ) that their highest goal in life should be to remain in their place. At the time, Starswirl is content to follow that bit of "sage" advice. Until one day something changes him.

He is having a conversation with one of his professors about his major, when they are both interrupted by another pony. When Starswirl turns to look at who had spoken, this is his impression:

That moment was when I saw it. Protruding from the center of his skull was a piece of bone that somehow made him automatically above me. As soon as I realized what he was, I began to regret ever opening my mouth.

Later on, he's informed by his Earth pony professor why he did not speak up when they were both confronted:

“The reason I did not speak up, was that earth ponies are not to address unicorns unless the unicorn addresses them.” His voice was barely above a whisper, but somehow the words were deafening
“What?”
“Speak when spoken to,” he said, his voice calm yet stern. “The unicorns here are some of the top thinkers of our time. If they say something, it is because it is true and should be spoken.”
I was speechless. A professor, a stallion with the knowledge to teach others, was telling me to keep quiet and accept anything that was told to me. This must be some sort of joke. “Has anypony ever dared to speak up and call a unicorn out on their bullshit?”
“The last earth pony to do that was ejected from the school,” the professor said before casting a glance at the unicorn that had started the mess. “And you came close. If you hadn’t left the conversation when you did, who knows what kind of mess you would have created.”

With those few sentences, the atmosphere of this story is revealed, as well as the mountainous struggle Starswirl must overcome to conquer it.

This story does indeed start out slowly, and I found myself struggling to get through the first chapter after the Preface. But by the second chapter I was hooked, and I only stopped reading so I could complete this review while my thoughts and impressions were still new. This is a tale that is by turns sad, enraging and exciting, and those emotions only intensify the further one reads.

Again, I don't feel I've been able to fully convey how extraordinary this tale is, so I'll end by encouraging all to read it as soon as you can. This is now one of my Favorites.

5332061 Thank you for your kind words. I know that my story has a lot of issues and that is why I tend to ask for these reviews. I want to know where I went wrong and how can I improve. It would be pretty silly to just get angry at someone just for pointing out my mistakes (as I have seen some authors do).

I will take your advice to heart and try to find an editor. I actually had one for the later chapters and parts of the first (before I tried to fix some mistakes but ended causing more) but I havent heard from that user in a while.

I appreciate your criticism and I thank you for the valuable advice. I will try to apply it in the future.

5332662 Thank you for the approval.

I'll toss out in my defense that the fic was begun before Season 5 began airing, and once Crusaders of the Lost Mark happened, I worked it into the ending epilogue.

Though, what about the blackmail was squicky for you?

5333121
The fact that they were all willing to lie and say an adult had done something bad to them, just to get what they wanted. Plus, Trixie was in a double position of having no power because of the loss of her reputation in the town, so those foals could have said anything and they would have been believed first. To me, that's actually despicable, and only the facts of their youth, they didn't follow through with their threat and they were honest about their actions when they all were reunited with their sisters saved these characters in my eyes.

5333190 Hm, that's true and fair on the foal-adult thing. I'd actually never thought of it that way.

Story: Cheerilee's Thousand, by xjuggernaughtx.

Rating: 8.5/10 (for now).

Chapters read: 31 out of 58, so far.

Status: accepted.

Premise: Ms. Cheerilee goes on 1000 terrible dates.

Since this is a collection of one-shots within a larger continuity rather than a single story with an overarching plot, many of the usual critiquing methods will not work here. Instead I'll be going over the few things this story needs to succeed.

First, it must not become boring. The author is telling essentially the same joke over and over again, which requires no small amount of skill to prevent from becoming repetitive. In this case, I must say that the author succeeded, not only by providing hilariously over the top dating fails, but regularly changing up the way the events surrounding the date are relayed to the audience, including an original rock song written about her terrible romantic luck in a later chapter. Also, the author has stated upfront that he probably won't make it to 1000 dates, as the joke will have gotten stale long before then, and intends to end it when it stops being funny.

Second, this is a comedy. If you don't find it funny, your reasons for staying will be limited. On that front, while I do laugh heartily at every entry, that laughter has become increasingly guilty as I continue. To fully understand this, consider if you will comedy icon Bugs Bunny. In one of his earliest cartoons, he torments a camper who bears a close resemblance to Elmer Fudge. What did this camper do to Bugs, you might ask? Absolutely nothing. Bugs goes after him for no apparent reason, and as a result the humor rings hollow. You don't laugh just because someone else is in pain. While, you can, but it doesn't feel as good. No, you laugh the hardest and the most freely when someone else is in pain and he or she deserves every second of it.

So it was in the days of Loony Tunes, so it is today. Ms. Cheerilee has done nothing to deserve this, and as the joke goes on I find myself filled more with pity at her plight than genuine humor at the situations. This empathy is killing the humor, sadly enough, because the dates have objectively gotten more hilarious, not less, as the story progressed. However, it took me 30 chapters to get this far, and I'm probably more severely affected thanks to my own inability to get a date, so don't let that stop you.

Finally, the writing is good. The dialogue is witty, some of the dates issues are relatable, if still turned up to 11, and I enjoyed myself quite a bit.

In the end, while this one does have some issues with a joke staying past its welcome, I can't say that it's bad, or even just ok. This is good, it belongs in the bin.

Reading: Seventh Sense

Story: The Draconequus with the Dragon Tattoo, by A M Shark.

Rating: 9.5/10.

Status: accepted.

I should begin by saying that, while I have heard of the original Girl With the Dragon Tattoo series, I have neither read it nor looked into what it was about. I am happy to report that that does not retract from my enjoyment of this story in the slightest. This story, at its core, is a murder mystery set in a slight AU. Discord doesn't break free at the start of season two, and Applejack goes missing just after the end of season three. The story starts ten years later, and that's all I'm telling you. As I said, this is a murder mystery, and anything I say here might give away the ending.

That said, what do I think? I think it's fantastic, both as a mystery and an emotionally compelling character piece. Fluttershy and Discord are in top form here, and the mystery is confusing and twisty enough that even though you have all the pieces the answer still isn't clear until the story explains it. Good mysteries are hard to write, and this one was better than good.

I'm adding this in afterwords, but I just realized that I should do so. Recently a popular story utterly screwed itself over by ending in a jarring and unexpected way, then saying you had to read the sequel to find out what happened next. I must say that this story pulls off its sequel setup much better. The main plotline of the story is resolved, and only the subplot is left hanging. The ending still smarts, but it matches the tone of the rest of the story and doesn't feel out of place.

Frankly, this story deserves more attention than it got, and I'm happy to accept it.

5362702
If you're curious about the original source but don't have a huge amount of time to dedicate to it, you can check out the movie adaptation (either the Swiss original or the US remake, both are very well done) as the book it's all based on is rather a brick.

Reviewing: Seventh Sense

Read: All

Status: Rejected ( reluctantly )

Here we have a very strange tale that takes Pinkie's Pinkie Sense and gives it a bizarre aspect.

Everypony knows about Pinkie's 'Pinkie Sense'. She's saved many a pony from calamity, often with hilarious outcomes, and Pinkie is ok with that. So long as nopony suspects that there's something else happening; something dark that Pinkie is hiding.

It all started on her family's rock farm when she was but a filly. Pinkie was watching over her foalsister Marble while the rest of the family were away for the afternoon. Above a loud deafening noise reverberates through the air, causing both fillies to cower in fear. Before Pinkie could react, a fiery streak of light shoots past her field of vision, through the head of her sister.

Right then you know this is going to be one of those stories that will attempt at least to hit you in the "feelz," but hopefully, it won't be overdone.

The author makes a point of mentioning this to be his/her first story, and O how I wish writers would stop doing that. In my experience, such mentions add nothing to the tale, and can be a turn-off for many readers.

This tale needs both an editor and a proofreader, as there are many punctuation and dialogue errors, the latter of which really gets on my nerves. Whenever I see this:

"Yes, we have planning to do." The pink pony said

"Comet! Go get the doctor! Pinkie!? Can you hear me?" He cried

"Oh, good, you're awake. Pinkamena, I would like you watch over Marble while we take Limestone to the dentist." Cloudy Quartz said.

...I have to ask how much reading the writer did before trying their hand at a story, and if the answer is "a lot," how many times have they seen dialogue punctuated like above? We have a great resource for writing on this site, so using Ezn's Guide for Said Tags should clear up these errors.

Now let's get into the story itself. The premise is rather interesting: Pinkie is given the power to see the future and she uses that power to prevent disasters in her friends' and families' lives. But it's inconsistent: sometimes she can save a pony, sometimes she can't, the explanation being:

Time is like a rubber band. The more you push on it, the harder it'll snap back.

...so she has to watch at least one of her friends die, being unable to prevent the circumstances that led up to the demise. This left me feeling frustrated, as it made moot the ability she'd been granted all for the sake of a tragic death.

This is Pinkie's story told exclusively from her POV, but the voice just doesn't sound quite like Pinkie. Given the Dark nature of this tale, that's no surprise, as this is a much older and mature mare. Even so, the character should not be changed to the point where she's Pinkie in name only.

The main problem with this tale is it's simply not engaging enough. The only real display of the powers with which she's been entrusted is when she saves her sister, and even that is only one line. I would have liked to have seen more of her interactions in saving her friends, for it could have been a rousing adventure. Yes, the theme is Pinkie being depressed because she's chosen to keep her ability a secret, but that alone did not make for a very interesting story when it could have been so much more.

I'm reminded of the movie Groundhog Day, where Bill Murray's character is doomed to relive February 2nd over and over (for ten years, according to one source) until he finally becomes wise and starts to use the recurring time as opportunities to help people. It would have been a much shorter movie if he's simply told Andie MacDowell's character about his adventures in saving people, but it would have been extremely boring as well. Instead, we're shown his various actions, and thus a classic was made. That's what could have been done here.

Finally, the author makes note of a plot hole of the story in the final A/N, but only addresses it in said note. No. If you're aware of the plot hole, fix it in the story, and save such insights for a blog.

5362702 Thanks for the review. I'm glad to hear you were able to enjoy the story even if you weren't all that familiar with the non-MLP source material, since that was one of my big goals while writing it.

If you don't mind my asking what was that other popular story you mentioned that did an unexpected sequel setup?

5367237 It's "The Trails and Tribulations of Trying to Date Twilight Sparkle." Currently one of the five stories sitting in my 3-5/10 shelf, and one of the few stories that I gave a dislike.

Note that when you look at the story's statistics (the button to the left of the 'add to groups' button) you will see that the story's total number of dislikes more than tripled about a week ago. This was when the original last two chapters came out. The backlash was so bad, in fact, that the author has since taken the ending down with a promise to rewrite it. Just read through the comments section on the bonus chapter to see what happened, since my own take on it was removed along with the epilogue.

5367370
Just finished reading through that story's comments, and, yeah, I see what you mean about backlash.

Interestingly enough, I fully expected to get a huge backlash when I posted the end of TDwtDT, and was pretty relieved when that didn't happen. At the time I figured all my hollering in the author's note that there would be a sequel might have helped defuse things, but it sounds like that author did something similar and it didn't really help much in that story's case.

*Shrugs* Odd how that works out.

5369197 Yours didn't end at precisely the wrong time with a Mood Whiplash and character that made no sense and didn't belong coming out of nowhere.

5369207 *Nods* True. Admittedly, based on that story's description, it doesn't really sound like my cup of tea, but if it was, I could understand feeling cheated if it ended that way.

(Though on a slight tangent, depending on how much you might have read of the sequel, you can probably see why I ended TDwtDT the way I did.)

Reading: A Dangerous Sparkle

Read: The Boy Who Cried Wolf

Accepting

I was rather glad to read this story over others in the folder, since I rather like actually accepting stories into the group rather than the alternative. This one was a comfortable story to accept. It had rather flowery language and description that was pretty to look at (which is always nice), the story was rather well paced (each bit neatly led into the other, so I hardly ever felt bored or confused, which is remarkable considering I'm very good at being both) and it was short enough to fit into my attention span, which is a good thing considering this was less a story with a conflict but more a resolution of sorts.

It's about a 'shaman' who uses words and stories to do 'things' (a sort of travelling storyteller, I suppose) and uses several stories to try and bring a sort of justice to a rather nasty pony. Since I remained unaware what her goal was until the end, I was reading out of curiosity to understand what she wanted (the mystery was quite compelling), not because I was rooting for her. I believe that my curiosity would have quickly waned were it not for the strong pacing and the short length, both of which made it enjoyable regardless.

If I had a complaint (and I do), it'd be that this story has very little to do with MLP (and in my opinion, that's a rather serious issue for fanfiction). There are no characters from the show, the place they're in is vaguely defined, they don't particularly act in the same way as I've come to expect from ponies, and the tone is radically different from the shows. On their own, any one of these problems doesn't matter to me much, but all together I did feel that this could have easily been a story from something else entirely.

In any case, I do think that anyone reading it should be able to find some measure of enjoyment out of it, unless they're particularly picky about what consists as horsewords. That's why I'm accepting it in.

Reviewing: A Dangerous Sparkle

Read: Odd disclaimer plus four chapters

Status: Approved

Description:

If there's one thing we can count on, it's Twilight Sparkle, prized student and newest princess, to botch up a spell in her quest to master all of magic.

This time propels her to a new world, this one not inhabited by bipeds, but ponies like herself, and yet not like herself. She has entered the realm of Everglow, where the queen is a queen, and ponies suffer horribly lethal combat much more often than Equestria could manage under the peaceful reign of its alicorn caretakers.

Will she find her way back home, to her friends and responsibilities? Will she survive the harsh new realm she has entered?

Now usually, I dislike descriptions like the one above. Asking questions in a story description is like the author begging someone to read his/her story, an annoying habit usually found with inexperienced writers. But in this case, I can overlook the last sentence and concentrate on the rest, and the rest is very good.

Here we have an Adventure that is quite immersive and vast, all the more so because the author took the time to expertly lead the reader into this world, as I had no prior knowledge of 'Ponyfinder' ( upon which this tale is based ). Here is an Equestria (?) that is more than slightly off kilter, with other races inhabiting it such as orcs, humans, and elves. The pony races herein are not like the ones from Twilight and Spike's reality. No, here is a world where Earth ponies can perform magic based upon faith in their ruler, which was a surprise for both Twilight and the reader. I haven't read that far yet, but there are hints that this Ruler is not like the Celestia we know, another fascinating aspect of this story.

The scene descriptions are done well, as are the dialogue and actions of the protagonists, without being overwhelming. Even though this is a Crossover, the reader is given only the barest clues that all is not as one expects, but is still recognizable as being another world. I liked that, for too often Crossovers are written with the assumption on the writer's part the reader is familiar with the source material, and that's rarely the case.

I will most definitely be finishing this one!

Reading: Scarred

Reviewing: Scarred

Read: Four chapters

Status: Approved

We all face hardships in life; some more so than others. Nopony knows this better than those returning from what was the end of The Wars of Sorrow. Fifteen brutal years of fighting have finally borne fruits of peace as harmony is once more restored to the world.

For a certain stallion however, his hardships have only just begun. Forced into servitude by a cruel dragon known solely as Malsvir, Big Macintosh is thrown into a world of pain, sorrow, regret, and above all: murder.

As he sinks ever deeper into the dark pit of evil and torment, a lover and her friend race against the clock to discover what has happened to the stallion they once knew, even as all of Equestria is resilient on bringing him to justice.

Will he be able to be saved? Or will the truth be too much for her, or Equestria, to believe?

A rather long description for a very good story. I fear, however, the author did little research into the military mindset and circumstances, for some of the numbers are excessive. For example, the author has Big Mac and other ponies fighting in a war that's lasted fifteen years. No soldier would be in combat for that length of time, not without serious physical and mental consequences that would impair their ability to fight.

The same goes for the number of Big Mac's victims:

The princesses stopped five feet from the fugitive, horns glowing in union as their magical auras enveloped him, holding him in place. The scum would not get away this time.

Princess Twilight Sparkle stepped forward, a sheet of parchment outlined before her. She began to speak in a voice reserved solely for those who were receiving the death penalty by either hanging or torture. In her short time as a princess, only one had ever been spoken to as such.

"Kamati di Malsvir, you are hereby charged with one hundred twenty-five counts of homicide, one hundred seven of which are First Degree Murder and eighteen of which are Voluntary Ponyslaughter. You are hereby also charged with four counts of Arson, two counts of Kidnapping, one hundred twenty-five counts of Conspiracy, one hundred twenty-five counts of Aiding and Abetting, twenty-five counts of Bribery, and seventy-five counts of Stalking. Now, will you peacefully give yourself up and be subject to these charges or must we drag you to justice by force?"

Those numbers almost took me out of immersion, for they are so far removed from reality. Even one of the most prolific serial killers, Ted Bundy, confessed to killing thirty women over a four year period. The victim count is suspected to have been much higher, but still not as high as in this tale.

Those are my only criticisms, for this is a very graphic and detailed tale that spares no amount of blood nor emotion. Each scene drags the reader into the antagonist's dark and twisted mind, kicking and screaming. I stopped reading before I could come to any sort of resolution for the purpose of this review, but I'll have to go back and finish this one, if only for the sake of my own peace of mind.