The reception begins as Bella looks over all the people who’ve come. A lot of it is listing off names of the obligatory guests — friends and family who don’t play much of a role in the rest of the series. In spite of being a werewolf, Seth is genuinely enthusiastic that Bella and Edward got married. They go through the cake-cutting, the pictures, the dancing, everything. (I’m kind of curious who’s the poor schmuck who got stuck serving the beer and wine. When my brother got married, I, being an

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Hmm. “Bloodlust” implies a throwdown. Could we actually end this series with a big vampire fight? Here’s hoping!

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Bella and Edward pork all night, and she’s still not satisfied. It takes Edward saying Nessie’s name to snap her out of it. They get changed; we get another mention of how the closet is filled with lotsa clothes and can’t ANYTHING come hard to this couple?! In the middle of changing, we get yet another reminder of how so frigging hot like whoa Edward is that somehow manages to double as a reminder that their sex is TOATELLY GRAET EWE GAIS:

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Bella’s stressing out about everything: the Volturi, Alice’s desertion, the fact that she’ll have to learn how to fight, J. Jenks, the vampires who’ll be coming over, everything. She tries to talk to Edward about it, but before she can get the words out, he’s kissing her. And then she just forgets about asking questions for the night.

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Snide phrase that connects back to the chapter title in some way.

While Jacob and Seth are on patrol, Jacob wonders why the Cullens just don’t take Bella somewhere else, away from Sam. Seth says he’s already asked that; the Cullens have too many medical supplies to transport easily, and collecting them takes a lot of time. This debate takes two whole pages. I hate this book.

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If it means this book is finally over, yes it’s happy.

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…snrk. Yeah, right.

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Bella turns into a vampire and it hurts.

And that’s literally the whole chapter.

I am not fucking kidding.

We go back to Bella’s perspective right as she vomits blood. We get a brief recap of what she saw from the last chapter, only with a lot of descriptions of pain. Bella manages to cling to consciousness long enough to see (blalgh) Renesmee before blacking out.

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…There really aren’t. This is ugly.

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Edward and Carlisle are unable to find Irina, so they let the matter drop. Days go by with nothing bad happening, so the Cullens decide to go about business as usual. But one day, while arranging some vases, Alice gets a vision so shocking that she drops one: the Volturi are coming for the Cullens. All of them. They’ll be arriving in about a month. Because there’s so many of them, it can’t just be to check up on Bella’s current life/undeath status; it’s about Nessie. When Irina saw Nessie

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Too-much-bullshit alert.

Jacob, Leah, and Seth run another patrol around the Cullen house, and I feel like I’ve said something along those lines twenty times in the past eight chapters. Leah awkwardly thanks Jacob for putting up with her and promises to try to not get on his nerves. They do nothing of consequence for nine pages and this book is so padded a La-Z-Boy factory would find it excessive. Eventually, Leah speaks up again:

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Why didn’t I just stop reading? Oh, right, because I’m a glutton for punishment.

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That describes most of the book. Most of the series, actually.

Aro and Caius, another one of the Volturi, discuss Nessie, and Bella overhears. Aro is adamant that Nessie isn’t an immortal child and the Cullens don’t deserve to die for that. Then Caius brings up the werewolves:

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More and more vamps start hanging out at the Cullens’. Naturally, they need to hunt humans. Jacob’s miffed at the killing, but he shuts up for Nessie’s sake. In the space of three sentences. Really:

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Before Charlie leaves, he and Bella briefly talk about how much to tell Renee. They decide no more than is necessary; Charlie says he’ll think of something. He asks to hold Nessie for a moment, and… Ugh, this is creepy:

I could see it in his face — I could watch it growing there. (I know, you just said it.) Charlie was just as helpless against her magic as the rest of us. Two seconds in his arms, and already she owned him.

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Edward keeps Bella busy on the island for days, with things like snorkeling and hiking and birdwatching, and she’s tired a lot. One night, Bella suggests waiting a little more for her to be turned; she wants to try out Dartmouth a bit, stay human for longer than she’d expected. Why? So she and Edward can bang some more. Hate hate hate.

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Some authors just don’t grasp the concept of “unedited”.

It’s morning. Jacob and Seth have been patrolling off and on throughout the night, one of them sleeping while the other runs. Jacob’s wrenched from his fitful sleep by Seth’s howling; Leah’s also joined their pack. For some reason, Jacob and Seth both act like this is a bad thing.

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We don’t get to see Bella and Jacob throw down, which might’ve been impressive. We don’t even get to see them get pulled apart. We cut to after the incident, where Edward and Seth have already intervened and stopped Bella, although Bella broke Seth’s arm. Edward praises her for keeping control over herself for as long as she did. Shut up with the amazing control part. I don’t care if it’s true, I’m tired of hearing it. Bella tries to calm herself down from her spat by thinking over some

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Bella’s and Edward’s honeymoon takes them to Brazil; specifically, Rio de Janeiro. They head to the ocean docks on the western edge of the city. The ocean on the western edge of a city in Brazil. Really:

The taxi continued through the swarming crowds until they thinned somewhat, and we appeared to be nearing the extreme western edge of the city, heading into the ocean.

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It's said that one of the best ways to improve your writing is to read. It helps expose you to new ideas and styles and can inspire you. It's also said that it's easier to define why something is bad than why something is good. Declaring something to be bad usually has very concrete reasoning behind it, while declaring something to be good can be a lot more nebulous.

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