Featherweight has had a crush on Scootaloo for as long as he can remember, but he never did anything about it. That is, until the fateful day where he is given the challenge to kiss her before nightfall.
Chapters (15)
RavensDagger
Joined 13th Dec, 2011 ·
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RavensDagger · 7.2k words · 42 5 · 1.2k views
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I liked that. But do you think you could continue this? I'm sure everypony who reads it will want moar.
Seconded to that comment^
You took my advice
!
Good story and agree with the above, this definitely has potential for fun. Have to admit, was totally banking on it being Rainbow Dash to kick things off (she seems like the kind of character who'd take an interest in a foalhood romance just for the giggles), but enjoyed your use of Pipsqueak.
Awesome story! Although it's categorized as "Completed", why don't you make a second chapter? I mean, it's not truly finished, and I wouldn't consider peck to the cheek "snogging". A quick kiss on the lips could be just as D'awwwww as this, maybe even more =)
615615
I was thinking of expanding this... How `bout I put it on hiatus?
616044
Nice. Do continue it later. This might even give me some ideas =D
Ah, this is Ravens' foray into romance. Lemme give it a shot.
Stream of conscience
> The three fillies, --a pegasus, a unicorn, and a small earth pony--sat around, huddled as they talked to each other and drew crazy plans in the sandy ground.
I've recommended June Cassagrande's It was the best of sentences, yes? You can do better.
>> The three fillies--a pegasus, unicorn, and earth pony--sat in a huddle, talking and drawing crazy plans in the sandy ground.
- Don't combine em-dashes and commas for a paranthetical; it's one or the other. In this case dashes are better since commas might be confusing.
- Describe new details in independant or non-restrictive clauses. "As" introduces restrictive clauses.
> (PMS)
You do know that mares don't... you know. That's kinda an ape thing.
Nitpicks aside, this is a sweet little story so far. Oh, the horrible advice of little colts.
>His face flushed a deep red as he approached her, smelling the breezy, natural odor of her. His face flushed a deep red as he approached her, smelling the breezy, natural odor of her.
That can be said so much better. "Odor" isn't really a nice word.
- as he approched her; she smelled like summer breezes.
>Each individual feather preened
So, technically this is a correct usage of "preen," but darn if it doesn't sound like they're not each whipping out their tiny combs.
--
Mmm. It would be better if you elaborated the school work more. One of the paradoxes of romance writing is that the actual mushy stuff usually doesn't do a whole lot to bring the characters to life. (Unless you go for epic sexual drama - like really far out stuff with a complicated who's-laying-whom chart and embarrassing kinks and so on...) That means that nearly all romance has a major slice-of-life element. In this case it should be the "special biology project" - which could be made really awkward by the way - but it barely even happens.
That aside, it's not a bad first shot. The parts where it's supposed to be awkward are nicely awkward. Don't worry about finding lots of different ways to express blushes, by the way. If you feel you need more variety, you probably need different gestures to communicate the emotion.
This comes across as more negative than I'd like. I really did enjoy this story, it's just that I'm better at ranting than raving.
623802
As usual thanks for pointing those out.... One day I'll master this silly language!
I thought the story was very well written. Especially since it seems to be a bit different your other writings. I really enjoyed how Featherweight's friends were egging him on to kiss Scootaloo. Reminds me of kindergarten... good memories.
Only thing I would point out.
- It seemed like they just began on their science project without really any explanation as to what the project was. It felt like it suddenly had to do with wings. A sentence or two describing the nature of the project would clear that up. Perhaps while they are all in class?
All in all it was a very well written, and quite funny, story.
(internet crashed while posting this. Sorry if it gets posted twice.)
Hilariously cute. The best part is your main story has a similair awkward romance which Applebloom believes is with Scootaloo. Now Scootaloo actually finds someone, well at least in the Raven multiverse of Scootaloos
D'awww and HNNNG. This is fucking adorable. I shall track this fic. Also Pip and Chowder/Truffles(whatever people call) are both awesome and thank you so much for not using Snips and Snails. At least Feather Weight's friends are good "Swag" coaches.
chzbronies.files.wordpress.com/2012/04/my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-brony-roboswag.gif
Peace Out.
Good to see this back up! I had it in my Read Later list for a while. I second everyone demanding updates.
645138
Just putting the finishing touches on chapter two! Should be here within a few hours!
645143
ALL OF MY LOVE
644993
Write. Edit. Proofread... Swag.
I've been mulling over an idea for a short war story involving FeatherweightxScootaloo. This makes me want to pursue it more.
Featured in the last slot... posted today. FEATURED BOX, Y U NO MAKE SENSE
But hey, neat, it's up. I enjoyed this one. You did a pretty good job of hitting that "OH GOD THIS IS SO EMBARASSING" vibe that every child of a certain age has felt.
I really need to pay more attention when it comes to proofreading, though. I agree with what Eustatian Wings and Synx said, but didn't really pick it up as I was going through. Must try harder.
645325
You try more than har--
HOLY CRAP IM FEATURED!
Man this is a good story.
645330 BUT YOU'RE FEATURED IN THE WRONG SLOT I'M SO CONFUSED
Also, isn't this, like, the third time you've been featured? You think you'd be used to it by now =p
645352
Second, unless you count those new-fangled story update features...
And nope, still not used to it!
645347
Thanks mate!
I would love to see more of this. I can relate to Featherweight, being the shy bastard I am. Sucks when your near your crush and you think every little thing you do somehow makes you look like an idiot.
featured cuz its a good story keep up the incredible D'AWWWWWWs
hmmm. I didnt know they were cats! about to read. Real comment later.
EDIT* That was pretty good! and you updated! *squee*
Not bad at all, so far. ScootaWeight (which sounds wrong but is debatably better than Featherloo) isn't a ship I've seen before, so you get a point for uniqueness. Very d'aww-inducing and such, with some nice comedic awkwardness. I do agree that you might want to edit this chapter a bit, though, and add more explanation about the class project. It's really vague as-is, and as a major plot element should definitely be fleshed out a little more.
That minor gripe aside, though, I'm looking forward to more. Especially the consquences of Pip and Chowder's advice, should Featherweight be dumb enough to trust them.
Thumbs-upped and Tracked.
This story is pretty unbearably cute, but in a good way.
It made me D'AW so hard I just put a hole through my wall. So thank you!
also. MORE.
645372 I would be quite ashamed of an author if they ever got to the point where a feature doesn't excite them. I have only been featured in the 5th slot for about an hour (and I slept through it
), and it was so exciting knowing this.
But back to topic, the story seems to be paced well enough, you seem to describe Featherweight and his friends pretty accurately, and the story itself is interesting.
Definitely deserves the feature box.
Why has nobody said this yet? Very well, ahem.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!!
Very.very nice!
Smooth.
Woohoo!!!
Glad to see your continuing this. I avidly await the next chapter my good sir.
Needs more Chowder, but besides that, I love it.
Loving this chapter.
One thing though, you should probably replace the word "mare" with "filly".
I see a love shape
645808
A love shape!
......This is awesome.
An update huh... It seems my attempts to stall you have been in vain drat. YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF ME!!!
Ch 1
Oh my gosh so cute!
ch 2
Saving the damsel. Nice.
can't wait for more. I ship Scoots with Rumble, but this is my second favorite Scootaloo ship.
Well done
645808 You forgot Spike.
So...his crush ran him over with a scooter and as a result he fell in love with her *coughcoughlegandofkorramakoandasamicough*
AWWW YEAHHHHHH this story is full of d'awww and fun to read!!!!!!! MUST HAVE MOAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!! dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Scootaloo.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Scootaloo_lolface.png
smooth like jazz
645946
Smooth like Electroswing.
Okay... sorry to be the voice of negativity here, but you might want to take this one back to the drawing board. It was definitely a step down in quality from the last chapter. First, (unless I've missed something) you're getting inconsistent. The original challenge as issued by Pipsqueak in Chapter 1 was “I’ll bet my signed Spitfire poster that you can’t snog her by the end of the day. --Pip” Well, Feather did get a kiss on that day. Not quite what was specified, but it was close. Yet that isn't even mentioned here, and now the challenge's deadline is on Monday. Did Pip extend the time frame, or was that accidental? That should be cleared up, either way.
Also, the whole chapter felt... pointless. Nothing really happened. We got a little background info on Feather's crush, but otherwise this all felt like pointless filler. And hastily written filler, at that. Some sloppy wording, lackluster dialogue, etc. I'd advise taking more time to perfect future chapters before posting them.
Wow
645952
A transportation device named Crusader that belongs to the CMC and gets totalled at the end?
Do I get a cookie for noticing the SGW reference?
Now that's how you end a chapter!
Not Bad! I'll keep an eye out for more.