• Member Since 18th Aug, 2014
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

Robipony


The man who likes ponies but also likes monsters... so what's wrong with him combining the two? ;P

T

Neo Somnambula, a walled city with the Equestrian desert, a refuge against the burning sun above and the swirling sands around. However, this sanctuary isn't a symbol of harmony but a city divided into corporations, the upper-class nobles and those beneath them. Sometimes in order to survive in such a city you must resort to drastic measures.

Snapshot knows this all too well, working as a prostitute at the X-Streams brothel in the Glowpulse district. Yet as long as she has her camera, she can hope for a brighter future... Even if it seems unlikely.


Neo Somnambula is a Cyberpunk/Ancient Egyptian inspired Alternate MLP Universe. It takes place in an alternate timeline where Equestria was reduced to a desert wasteland. :rainbowderp:

This story contains: Suggestive content, references to drugs, cybernetics, gangs, a "live" chat commenting on sexual content, tentacles, a red-light district, and in this AU Cadence never became an alicorn so she's a pegasus.


Credits

This story was written for the Science Fiction Contest III.

Cover art by your's truly. :rainbowwild:

Proofread by: NiCkY.

Here are the ocs that were used in this story that belong to other creators:

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 11 )

Will give this a read.

Interesting premise, a Cyberpunk/GITM style?

11898965
Sorry, that was a Typo. Ghost in the Shell(for some reason I thought Machine)

11899026 I've actually not seen Ghost in the Shell, so I wouldn't know. :rainbowlaugh:

11899580
Ghost in the shell technologically speaking is kinda like cyberpunk but not to the extreme extent of upgrades that Cyberpunk does.... Almost everyone has some kinda upgraded but only the crazy villains have the extreme upgrades

What a fascinating world you've created for these characters! Looking forward to more stories about them and in this setting.

Nice hook regarding the mystery surrounding what happened to Tansha. Also, definitely got the Leon from The Professional and Miles’ Uncle from Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse from Thunderbolt and his job that pulls him away at inconvenient times.

My favorite bit of this chapter was Snapshot overlooking how her face and body are plastered all over this city where commercial ads are literally everywhere.

Things seem alright, but I feel the need to critique on your writing for the sake of longevity. I hope you don't take this too negatively.

Before I review, I'll lay a few groundwork. I was expecting a deep third person story. Meaning, we get more protagonist internal thoughts while still being in third person. What we got is a regular third person kind of story. There is nothing wrong, but...

There's so many descriptors. Every paragraph practically has exposition. Plus, there doesn't seem like there is enough room to internalize emotions because the story tells us exactly what they act and feel.

Those 'he said' and 'she said' can be completely removed. This tend to break their speeches unnescesarily.

The exposition are like:

The room was wide enough for one pony to walk inside with two alcoves one on each side. One held a small bed, while the other alcove served as storage space. On the far side of the room was a round window, through which the lights of the district could be seen.

... are too abundant. They tend to be a wall of text that has no meaning and easily lose audience attention. Sometimes it is best to not describe some stuff in detail. Other times, it is best to attach emotions to them.

Take this intro for example:

The room consisted of light panels, each emitting a deep red bathing the room in a reddish hue. The bed she lay upon had red satin bed sheets and pillows with matching pillowcases

Presuming Snapshot is still anxious, it can become:

She sighed.

Everything is red. Love red. Too red. She felt the satin sheets. The satin pillows.

Notice how this feels with those repeated and personal words made the scene a bit more impactful?

Lastly, the ending of a section like:

“A-alright, smile!” Snapshot instructing.

Both of them gave a warm smile as Snapshot hit the button and took the picture.

... can be end with just that dialogue. We already know what goes into taking a picture, smiles and photo taking. That whole statement after the dialogue can be removed and it will flow better.

11899825 What are these?

Edit: Since this has nothing to do with the story and looks like it could link to some dangerous websites, I'll just delete the comment for the safety of my readers.

11899813 Yeah, I definitely have more planned. I have a bigger story that takes place in the same AU that I'm still working on.

Might write some more shortfics before I release tge big main story.

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