Waiting for the future

Well, my cousin visited us today. It is my aunt's (his mother) birthday. She hasn't seen him since... more than half a year?

He and his wife have had Covid three weeks ago. His kids initially tested negative, but they were not retested afterwards, so who knows.
My aunt is in the extreme-at-risk group, gets supplemental oxygen round the day and non-invasive-ventilation at night. We expected the kids to stay away, but they brought them anyway. There was a stupid misunderstanding with us waiting at the entrance and my aunt waiting in her kitchen. When I went to her after a couple of minutes she was feeling abandoned by her son, emotionally distressed and in tears, and I did not know what else to do, so I let them all in. And now we can only wait now to see if we were highly unlucky, i.e. if one of kids had Covid and was infectious and if so, we caught it.

The uncertainty is painful now. Any worsening in condition any unwell feeling will now be highly suspect, at least for the next week or two. Like a Damocles' sword hanging over our heads.

I don't honestly know if I could survive if I were (indirectly) responsible if my aunt were to get infected and perish, and I honestly don't want to find out, since I fear the odds may not be in my favor. I'm prone to (mild) self-harming behavior (stop hitting yourself...) when under extreme stress, and with the depression doubling-down, that kind of event (feelings of guilt, loss of loved family member, loss of purpose) might be enough to send me over the edge (possibly quite literally).

Suppose we will see what - if anything - happens (to us) in the coming weeks. Waiting for the future.