The Crystal empire has begun to recover in the time since Sombra was believed to be obliterated by the power of the Crystal Heart. Crystal ponies the empire over are beginning to settle into new lifestyles, trying to adapt to a completely alien time.
The young lord of the Slate Ridge region of the Crystal empire has finally finished tying up loose ends after the funerals of his two parents before he's called to the capital to suffer through the suspicions of his fellow (he uses that word hesitatingly) nobles.
Though he seems like a well-meaning stallion despite a few...physical oddities, H.R.H. Princess Cadenza is soon to learn a secret about our young lord's bloodline that could have a few thousand of her loyal ponies shaking in their crystalline horseshoes.
And not to mention what the stallion in question will hear about in his father's final words.
I mean really! Who leaves that sort of outrageous announcement in one's will anyway?!
(( This is my first story everyone! I got this idea while mourning King Sombra's distinct lack of any sort of back-story whatsoever. I would -deeply- appreciate any constructive criticism, as this project is mostly to assist with my writing. I'm not so much interested in spelling corrections, but any clearing up you can do for my grammar and sentence structure will be welcomed with open arms. Tell me what you think of this first chapter and if it could warrant further updates. Thank you, and I hope you enjoy! ))
(( Featured !? *faints* ))
Have you ever considered submitting this story to Equestria Daily? You can find out how to do so here.
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Submit it to EqD?
While if it succeeded it would be awesome, in my opinion I'm not nearly good enough of a writer to qualify for that site. Besides which, I worry it would put too much pressure on me if I wrote any further chapters.
Thank you for the suggestion though.
This has a lot of promise. Very nice first chapter, I wait for your next update. No hurry though.
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Thanks for the kind words! Judging from the fairly good feedback so far it appears further chapters are in order. Expect them in soon enough!
This is looking better than I expected
. I only came here because I had an idea at the back of my head (something about Sombra's poor characterization in the show), and this first chapter's a great introduction. Wording and transition's smooth, Cadence and Shining's characters match (although this isn't much, seeing as this is just the first chapter), and Crux's snarky attitude certainly portrays him as a young man (or stallion in this case) and a greenhorn.
Just a couple things I want to point out:
Like you see here, there is no space between Crux's speech and the next paragraph.
Another is about the letter. To prevent some confusion, signify that the reader is now reading the letter instead of the story itself by italicizing or bolding the letter's contents.
You, sir, have earned a like and fav. I expect quite a bit from this!
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D'oh, curses. I italicized that in the Google Docs file but it seems it didn't come out that way in transit. Thanks for the catch, my friend, on both accounts.
Fixed. And thank you for the like/fav! I hope I can keep you coming back for more.
This is really good, I love the Crystal Empire, and this story has a lot of potential! Liking, favoriting, following.
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I'm glad you like it!
I figured that since you've been following me now for a while anyway it was about time I gave you -something- to read.
I appreciate the like/fav!
Wow... his dad just trolled him from the grave, I like his style.
I like where this story is going. Because I like where it's going, I'd like to give you a little of that help you've been asking for.
The biggest thing I noticed, and this continued throughout the entire story, is that you have a lot of question sentences that end without a question mark. Adding that little punctuation mark helps a lot with readability!
Please note that I don't think I tracked down all the missing punctuation, just pulled out a few examples.
Ta-da!
The following is just about style, and should be taken with a grain of salt:
In most stories, the text of letters are just italicized, not bolded. I think it might look a little cleaner if you got rid of the bold tags. But that's just a suggestion.
That said, I like your writing style, I like the plot you've got rolling, and I look forward to more!
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Thanks for the feedback!
Now about the commas, I'm not 100% certain, after all there's always room for doubt, but I'm pretty sure those are correct sentences.
For instance, if I used those statements as sentences all their own.
In that way, a question mark would be used but since they are used as only half of the sentence and Shining's follow up is the other I believe it is acceptable. Then again, I don't have a book with me for reference, so I'm not entirely sure. However I will look it up, thanks!
Now, as for the letter I italicized and bolded those parts because it looked best on the layout I use, which is a dark background with white text for the chapters. I realize now that changing it to look good on a dark background might have made it actually look worse on the normal background. I'll probably change it, thank you for pointing it out.
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I'm not sure how reliable about.com is as a source (and you may find a better one in your own travels), but it explains a bit.
With further searching, my thought is corroborated by The Editor's Blog, and this PDF from Teacherweb.
Note: All found with a "Dialogue Punctuation" Google search.
With "'Yeah, that princess. She’s something isn’t she,' Shining drawled," you have a comma substituting for a question mark. I think that because the question mark is important to understanding the tone of the sentence (therefore, it is "stronger"), it should be left in.
I have to thank you, you've made me seriously consider why I use these "rules" at all!
Here I come trotting in like I know everything and all it takes to send me scrambling is a single, well-placed "why?"
Aha! I sometimes forget that those options even exist, truth be told! Like I said, it's totally a style choice. It should be fine as long as you're consistent (beware know-it-alls, such as myself).
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Ah, those sources seem pretty nice! I'm grateful you saved me some effort searching for similar manuals.
I'll go back soon and take a look at those lines you mentioned and look for the others.
But in the meantime, it's time to get started on chapter two! I hope you also enjoy this one.
And can also be there to catch any further mistakes.
Your time has been appreciated!
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It's a good bet.
Well, I can certainly try.
It was my pleasure! And, coincidentally enough, it served to be a good learning experience for me, too.
Nice. Heartwarming, good introduction by showing how the Olive and Silver interact with each other in the beginning
. Took a while before I realized the setting was an orphanage, but that was a good move for me. Will Crux be bringing them to his home now?
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Yepper!
I wanted to spend the first few chapters setting the scene, so the next will cover the setting in Slateridge. But then I hope to begin -actually- starting the part of the story that covers Sombra's backstory.
This is adorable.
I'm looking forward to seeing other people's versions of the Crystal Empire, one of the better parts of the show barely showing anything about the Crystal Empire is that there's a lot of potential for where you can take it.
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I'm glad you like it!
I agree with the Crystal Empire, it was really interesting, but they barely did anything with it. And you're right, it leaves alot of room for the fans to explore! I hope to begin fleshing out my empire in the next chapter, so I hope you enjoy that as well.
Also what did you think of Olive and Silver? Did they seem...I don't know, real enough?
3554987 As for being 'real' I have no idea, I've never been in any situation similar to theirs, but they had good characters, they weren't insufferable brats, they had a good sense of friendship with each other, I like em'.
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Oh, well not so much as real I suppose. I wouldn't expect many people to be able to relate to their experiences.
I wasn't exactly sure how to word my question, so it came out sounding weird I guess.
But I'm glad you like them! I wasn't sure how people would react to an OC heavy story. Most reactions are negative from my experience.
Well now! I personally enjoyed this introductory first chapter. You're a deft hand at writing councils concerning affairs of state, sir! Consider me highly impressed already!
I must say, Jet's character intrigues me so far, and I think that you're also incredibly gifted at giving a natural feeling to his interactions with Cadence and Shining Armor. I love the inclusion of the letter, by the way; it is decently long (and also interspersed with reactions from Candence, which helps to take away from a wall-of-text illusion in a letter,) without being too overwhelming. (I've seen too many letters given in stories where the letter is either too short or is far too long to the point it becomes overbearing.) So I give you incredible props for that.
Also...it is very rare that I read a story and am hooked by the end of the first chapter. But you, you have more than accomplished that now! I am incredibly intrigued by your story and impressed with your writing, so you have officially secured a dedicated reader in me! To that end, I must also say once more, a job well done and kudos as well!
Excuse me while I suppress the urge to just "d'aaaww" at this chapter. I'm already enjoying the characters you have introduced in OIive and Silver, and their interactions are delightful in their own lovely little way. I also believe it's a wonderful look into another, deeper facet of Jet's character that he's willing to go ahead and adopt Silver so that Olive's adoption can finish going through without a hitch. However, I am a little wary of this idea still; could turn out that he's more sinister than you're allowing your readers to think and that Silver and Olive are going to have some complications in the future with their new lives. Hmm...definitely getting more interesting by the chapter, I must say! Again, you're rather gifted with your writing!
So this was definitely sweet and heartwarming for me!
I shall look forward to reading your next chapter whenever you finish scribing it!
I also had a small emotional connection with this chapter on a certain level, as I myself was adopted when I was younger.
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I'm glad you enjoyed the chapters! I particularly enjoyed writing Jet's interactions with Shining and Cadance, so I'm glad it was well received. Writing the back and forth between Olive and Silver was great fun, I felt like I could actually hear them teasing each other behind my as I typed. Also, thank you for your input on the letter! I was worried it came off a little awkward, but I'm glad it was satisfactory.
Really? I felt I rushed that scene for the dinner setting a bit too much. In particular, I felt I didn't let the Lord and Lady Godric have enough screentime. But they'll get more of that later I guess. (Shh!)
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i600.photobucket.com/albums/tt90/hecates_curse/GIFs/shhh.gif
If Silver and Olive were voiced, what would they sound like?
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Hmm. I'm not sure about Silver, I'd have to think about it. But I imagine Olive sounds like a younger Velma from Scooby Doo.
So when will we get into King Sombra's backstory?
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I actually intend to start that part of the story in the next chapter! (Which I may or may not be writing as we speak.)
I wanted to introduce our main characters and set the stage for their interactions before I moved on, so I hope it wasn't too long of a wait.
Squee. Very cute. Good and heartwarming, with just a hint of sappy. A delicious mix.
But you have been asking for corrections, sooo...
Note: this is just from the second chapter, I haven't been able to keep up with your excellent update pace!
You have a tendency in this chapter to forget to capitalize the sentence after a quotation. This is fine in a situation like this: "'Good evening, Miss Sleuth. May we come in?' the smooth voice of Matron Golden Rule called from behind the door." because the sentence is carried on past the quotation. The section, "the smooth voice of..." essentially tells us how the pony was speaking.
However, in the example I quoted, "she pulled a bright yellow..." is a separate sentence.
Eh, I dunno if i'm saying what I'm trying to say. Do you get me?
Before I go, "'or even Princess Cadance’s head nerd or something!”" is my absolute favorite line from this chapter!
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Oh, yes! I understand entirely. I actually remember what you posted previously about the sentence structure and had intended to go back and capitalize the sentences after those I end with anything other than a comma.
I must have forgotten to correct them, what with finals and all.
Thanks for the assistance!
This pony has a dark sense of humor; I like him!
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I'm glad he appeals to your more morbid sensibilities!
I do enjoy writing the more socially aggressive ponies, so Crux's conversations are always a hoot to imagine.
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Cute!
For Silver, I've been hearing some sort of variation on the classic Peppermint Patty voice. (That video's terribly depressing, but it was the only short one with the right actress)
Good show! I've heard it said that the later you introduce a character in the story, the harder it is for you to get readers to care about them (though, like everything, it varies).
On to chapter four!
"Rang" is the past tense.
I think I would place a comma between "nose" and "making."
"Making it hard to focus on the ponies" is an aside, a separate thought connected to the rest of the sentence. If someone was reading it, they would pause briefly before and after, meaning that commas should mark the spot.
This is hard to explain, because so much of what I write is automatic. One way to look at it might be to enclose parts of the sentence in commas that aren't necessary to understand the rest of it. I mean, "Her glasses were askew on her nose, but she didn’t have the strength to tap them back into place." still makes sense.
Bleh! So many rules!
I think the crux of the problem is that he hasn't had many scenes to show off his personality yet, aside from chapter one. Take care to add interactions like we see with Merlot as you go forward. Small, personal scenes are a great way to build up a character. Just give him a few conversations (especially with the girls, hint hint
)
Speaking of which, I would have liked to see Silver and Jet growing apart through a series of scenes, rather than a series of paragraphs. I know it's setup for future interpersonal-conflict, but it could have been really heartstring-tugging. These characters have made me smile, and I want to see more of them!
Well, yes, the mystery intrigues me, too, of course! What is the Cradle? Is it good or bad? If so, why? What happened to Sombra to make him not-a-pony!? What is Olivia's parents' connection to it all!? Will Merlot woo Varnish!? The suspense!
Speaking of Merlot, not only does he have the best name for a pony, he has wormed his way into being my favorite side character for the duration of this story.
Totally, totally understandable! Horrid things, finals. The final boss of Education, wot?
(Protip! Your readers will only get a notification that you replied to their comment if you reply in the chapter their comment appears in!)
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Peppermint Patty? Oh, man that's nostalgic. I have the feeling now that I've seen the video that I won't be able to 'unhear' it, so to speak.
Noted and fixed!
I knew it!
I must have stared at that sentence for twenty minutes while I was typing that chapter. I knew something felt off about it, but it looked right as far as I could tell.
Wait... I just now realized that about his name! I-I need a moment.
Yeah, I understand. I kind of felt like I skipped over a nice opportunity there but like I said in the previous post, I felt like I'd held off Sombra long enough. Although, now that I think about it, I might do bonus chapters in-between main posts for those sorts of scenes. That sounds like a good idea.
Y'know, it seems like every time you make a post you tell me something that assists me greatly. I hope you make a habit out of this.
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Eeexcellent
A name, dually meaningful, doubly amazing!
It is your story, and I'm a sucker for anything that gets me more delightful character moments. I would like to mention that moving the plot forwards doesn't mean you have to drop character interactions. It's been said that the best dialogue is both exposition and character building.
That said, I'm totally for little mini-slice of life chapters.
No pressure, right?
Aww, how sweet and heartwarming.
...
He's so doomed.
This story continues to amuse.
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I'm glad! I enjoy writing serious chapters greatly, but I enjoy adding in little breaks to help readers break a grin. Admittedly, I don't have a lot of experience writing seriously and not throwing off the overall mood with my amusing bits so if you find anything that feels like that please, let me know.
Oh, you have no idea.
Nice way to end the chapter. I'm guessing the "adventure" tag comes from these discs? If so, then not to be a downer, but I hope this "gotta catch 'em all" part of the story is pretty damn well-written.
Other than that, I'm still here, and I hope to see you next chapter soon!
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Have no fear! I don't intend for the crystals to be that integral a part of the story and I share your dislike for easter egg hunts for the most part.
The adventure tag is there more to cover challenging events out of the ordinary, since I felt the story really wouldn't qualify as slice of life, though now that I think about it, it looks that way doesn't it?
Wonderful scenes in this chapter! I'll be right there with Silver and her dislike of Old Pony Cookies, awful things. They're like changelings, the way that masquerade as chocolate chip cookies. I very much like what you're doing between these characters.
Merlot is, still, my favorite side character.
The scene with the globe was great, too. It had some very nice touches with the key being the Crystal Empire, and the clockwork within.
And what is this? We have signs of there being an antagonist? What ho and away, travelers!
MyHobby's helpful tip for today is... If a character's speech continues into a new paragraph, you should remove the quotation mark at the end of the first paragraph. The next paragraph still has both beginning and ending quotes, as long as the speech doesn't continue into yet another paragraph.
Narcotics? Dude's getting into the heavy drugs now, huh?
I kid, I get what you meant. It was just something that made me do a double-take.
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Oh, my thanks! That's good to know!
Yeah, I couldn't remember what a better word for painkiller would have been. I did the good ol' Google search but all I wound up with aside from narcotic was opiate and morphine.
Both sounded worse than narcotic.
And I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter! Always good to hear that I'm not doing too bad with this whole writing business.
I'm so terribly sorry; I'm having difficulty forming more coherent thoughts on this chapter, as I am much too busy cooing and giggling over Cadence's over-excitement at Olive and Silver.
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Believe me, I probably had as much if not more fun writing that scene than you did reading it.
This made me smile all the way through.
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_[_]_
(0_^)
><
Quite!
The end quote, it errs. Leave off that end quote when the speaker is still speaking in the next paragraph, unless you have something else to break up the quote.
I'd almost think to just let these two paragraphs be one. It fits since he's still speaking to Barnaby about Barnaby.
I've seen this a couple of times, too. Put either a question mark or a comma at the end of a quote that's part of a sentence, not both. Just something to look out for.
The chins are most chuckleworthy.
I wanna foam finger hat, now.
This sequence needs a second look. Yes, I managed to decode that the speaker was Crux, due to his use of "Uncle," but it's a matter of common courtesy to tag your dialog with the speaker in some manner. Maybe something as simple as ",' crux said." at the end of the first sentence. These two paragraphs are also fine and dandy as one paragraph, since the Crux is still speaking to Godric. It all comes together as a complete thought, at least.
Not so much a rule as a stylistic curiosity. If I was writing this, I would have placed that quote in the same paragraph as the sentence above it, since the previous sentence does a marvelous job of tagging Godric as the speaker. Do you have a reason for constantly separating dialog from prose, and if so, what is it?
Oh, no! Somepony get the Care Bears!
You have a few sentences that seem a little long, like this one. I'd put a period after "nephew," and then start the next sentence with "Crux smiled gratefully[...]" It reads better out loud that way. Keep an eye out for sentences that would require a few breaths to read out loud (this varies, yes, but it's just something to get you thinking about it).
The scenes with the girls were fantastic! I was smiling the whole time. They were just oozing with character. I applaud them for their remembering to clean up the office after they finished searching. That's something far too few sleuths take the time to do. Dashed inconsiderate.
The scenes with Crux and the Cradle were marvelously creepy. I do enjoy the plot that you've got brewing here. I'm eager to see how this all comes together at the end, what with the disagreeable nobles, villainous hallucinations, darkened memories, and Prancy Drew fangirls.
[ hr ] Just put that down on a separate line, and Bob's your uncle!
There's also a button in your tool bar (of the five buttons furthest to the right, the "horizontal rule" button is the leftmost one) that'll stick it on your page fully-formed like Athena from Zeus' skull.
EDIT:
I forgot I wanted to comment on this, too. Whoops.
This line is a wonderful little detail that both adds quite a bit of character to Rose and makes it feel like you're bringing their world to life.
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Noted!
Oh boy, my own personal Frankenstein. I remember you telling me about the lack of punctuation showing the sentence's meaning instead of just leaving it as a comma. I try to leave punctuation marks in now but I find it's difficult to attach a spoken sentence to a typed one without a comma.
For instance:
If I wanted to imply she was putting force into the statement, I'd try
I realize it probably looks horrible but the first example is one of my favorite ways of writing dialogue, and I end up butchering it with punctuation. Woe is me.
Can do!
Yes! I don't know the exact reason really, but it just looks cleaner to me. I have a tendency in writing to avoid clumping segments together so where possible I find I'll have spaced it out for whatever reason. It's just habit, really.
No! Nnno! *swats with newspaper* Bad!
That's the best thing I've heard all week! I appreciate the opinion, as well as the corrections.
My eternal gratitude!
Blackheart? SOMEPONY GET THE GHOST RIDER!!!!
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The mockery, it pains me.
But no regrets.
Would either of you believe I meant blackheart as in 'a person of ill-will' and not the Marvel comics guy? I'd actually never heard of him until these posts.
3716425 I know I was just joking.