Frederick spoke the words of institution, and elevated the host. The four other Templars looked at it with adoration, and bowed their heads. Slowly, Frederick lowered the host again, and turned to the glass, containing the single drop of wine remaining from their hosts' gift mixed with water. He spoke the words of institution and elevated it as well. The other Templars lifted their heads, adoring the blessed sacrament, before bowing their heads.
Frederick lowered it, and continued the Eucharistic prayer, with the Mysterium Fidei, the Commemoratio pro defunctis, and the Great Amen. As he led them in the Pater Noster, Twilight continued to take notes, her expression continued to darken. It had been a month since she had witnessed the first time they had done this ceremony, which they continued each week. And each time Twilight witnessed it, she felt more and more sick at what these beings were doing.
When first she had met them, she had tolerated (mostly) what they thought, and had not thought Celestia was in the right in imprisoning them. But this ghastly ritual that they did each week was changing her opinion.
Each week they commenced this ritual. In the beginning, it seemed acceptable, for they read sections of their holy book. Then Frederick would exhort them to further displays of goodness and virtue. Most of these Twilight did not agree with, but they were not bad. They were instead merely different. But then they came to the second half, where they worshipped some piece of bread. Bread, of all things! And then, claiming that it was the body of their god, they ate it. It was entirely unconscionable. Even as she watched, they were doing the same thing.
Even though it was obviously not really their deity, to be willingly entering into such an evil ritual was a sign of their taint. How could they do something as noble and honourable as saving innocent foals and then, virtually the next instant, do something like this? It was beyond all comprehension on Twilight's part. Even now they had finished their ritual and their two spokespersons had started to walk over to talk to Twilight. Usually she would hide her disgust at their actions, but this time she felt compelled to voice her complaints.
"Hello again, Twilight," said Frederick. "It's good to see-"
"You lied to me," interrupted Twilight.
"Lied to you? What are you talking about?" he asked her, his expression uncomprehending.
"You told me that you didn't eat beings that could think and reason," said Twilight. "But you, each week, claim to eat the body and drink the blood of a rational being, let alone the one you claim to be your god! How can you even stand to do that?"
"Whoa. That's a bunch of questions at once, young miss," said Frederick, looking at Twilight with an expression almost of disappointment. "First of all, I said no such thing. Second, we follow the Lord's command when we consume His body and blood during the Eucharist."
"What. Just what," said Twilight, her face showing quite some disbelief. "You said that the first time we talked here. What in... What in Tartarus are you even talking about?"
"No, Twilight. What I said was that we do not kill rational beings to eat them," said Frederick. "While you may have interpreted it that way, it is, as you can see, not entirely the correct interpretation."
"Then what," asked Twilight, beginning to get quite angry at Frederick's dissembling, "is the correct interpretation? That you do in fact eat thinking beings?"
"One thinking being, yes," said Frederick, unperturbed by Twilight's emotional outburst. "We eat the flesh and drink the blood of our Lord, Jesus Christ, as He commanded us to do. We do not eat other beings, for we are not cannibals or savages."
"Oh, well, the distinction is very clear," said Twilight, without even bothering to keep the sarcasm out of her voice. "I'm glad we got that out of the way."
"He judged that for our salvation, we must do it, Twilight," Frederick said. "As you do not believe such a man existed, what is it to you that we break bread together?"
"What is it? You openly claim to break one of the taboos that all rational beings naturally hold. How could anyone accept it?" asked Twilight, and she shook her head. "No more can I accept it. Goodbye, Frederick. Goodbye, Johann. I hope I do not see you again."
With that, she turned, and left the dungeon.
After she had departed, Frederick turned to the other Templars. "It is time for us to turn to God and plead for freedom. Let us pray." They crossed themselves, and then Frederick led them in this prayer.
"May the grace of the Holy Spirit be present with us. May Mary, Star of the Sea, lead us to the harbor of salvation. Amen.
"Lord Jesus Christ, Holy Father, eternal God, omnipotent, omniscient Creator, Bestower, kind Ruler and most tender lover, pious and humble Redeemer; gentle, merciful Savior, Lord! We humbly beseech Thee and implore Thee that Thou may enlighten us, free us and preserve the brothers of the Temple and all Thy Christian people, troubled as they are.
"Thou, O Lord, Who knowest that we are innocent, set us free that we may keep our vows and your commandments in humility, and serve Thee and act according to Thy will. Dispel all those unjust reproaches, far from the truth, heaped upon us by the means of tough adversities, great tribulations and temptations, which we have endured, but can endure no longer.
"Omnipotent, eternal God, who hast so loved the blessed John the Evangelist and Apostle, that he reclined upon Thy bosom at the Last Supper, and to whom Thou revealed and showed the Mysteries of Heaven, and to whom, while suspended on the Holy Cross, for the sake of our redemption, Thou commended Thy most Holy Mother and Virgin, and in whose honor our Order was created and instituted; through Thy Holy mercifulness, deliver us and preserve us, as Thou knowest that we are innocent of the crimes that we are accused of, so that we may take possession of the works, by which we may be guided to the joys of Paradise, through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen."
After they finished, Johann pulled Frederick aside. "What are we going to do now? Our only helper has abandoned us."
"Not so, Johann. God is always with us," said Frederick. "He shall free us in His own good time, if we but keep faith."
"Father, I believe," said Johann, looking at the priest with an unhappy gaze. "Merely help my unbelief."
Frederick laid a hand on Johann's shoulder. "You will know the power of God to free us soon. Merely have faith in God, and prepare to witness his power."
Prince Shining Armour, as he had begun to style himself, was consulting with his officers in the throne room of the Crystal Empire when a knock came on the door. As it opened, in came a messenger, short of breath. "Sir," he said, panting, "Sir. I come from Celestia's court. With two messages that your loyal servants have intercepted. Both are to Celestia. One is from Twilight Sparkle, your sister-"
"A friendship report, no doubt. Nothing for us to worry about," interrupted the new Prince. "What is the other letter?"
"I beg to report, my prince, that it is not a friendship report, and bears grave dangers. Your sister has concluded that the Templars 'require more investigation' to conclude whether they are safe. But she is lying," said the messenger. "Our stallion in Princess Luna's court has overheard her discussion with Twilight about the Templars. Twilight firmly believes that the Templars are barbaric, that they repeat a ritual revolving around the consumption of another's flesh and blood. We believe that Twilight and Luna are plotting their own move on the throne, which could be either useful, or dangerous."
"Hmmm. That doesn't quite sound like Twilight, to plot after her beloved teacher," said Shining Armour. "But Luna? She's different. Perhaps Twilight is lying, but to the wrong pony. We have one of our agents on guard duty for the Templars, don't we? Can we get his report?"
"As you wish, your highness. But..." The messenger hesitated. "The other message, sir, may be more important. It is to Celestia, as the other was. But... The sender, sir. It was... It was from Princess Cadence. Your wife, sir."
"Yes?" asked Shining Armour. "Is there a reason you've been intercepting my wife's correspondence?" He was definitely annoyed at this change in the state of affairs.
"Well, sir," said the unhappy messenger, "It's the message itself. It was in code. One that I'd seen a bit of in my previous line of work. It was about you. From what we've cracked so far, she's telling Celestia that you've... Well, that you've changed, and asking for help. And, well, if Celestia got that message... She might uncover our plans."
Shining Armour didn't say anything for a few seconds, and then at last he spoke. "And you are sure, absolutely sure, that this is from her?" he asked, his voice level. "This will determine how we co-ordinate the rest of our plan."
"Sir, this message could only have come from you or her. Yes, I'm sure," declared the messenger.
"Then so be it," said the Prince. "Your service will be rewarded when our goals have been reached. Now... Go." He dismissed the messenger with a wave of his hoof, and bowing, the messenger withdrew. When the doors had closed, Shining Armour turned to his officers. "This changes a great deal."
"What will you do to her?" asked one of the more impertinent officers, and Shining Armour rounded on him.
"Do to her?" he asked, his voice dangerously calm. "I'm going to love her, and calm her, and lay her suspicions to rest. And then... Well, then I'm going to falsify a letter from Celestia to her. But punish her? I could not do such a thing. For one, it is she on whom this position remains. For another, she is carrying my child. But most importantly? I love her. I shall not harm her."
The officers nodded, and Shining Armour continued. "Now, these Templars have remained prominent. The very reason we are here may prove to be useful again. Celestia believes them to be of no threat, and Luna believes them to be a terrible threat. But how can we best use them?"
"...and so, your highness, I believe that the Templars have continued to demonstrate their barbarity and lack of civilisation, even when given reason to desist, because they have nothing else," said Twilight Sparkle. "I do not think that they are merely hiding it. Else they would have uncovered it. And... And yet they have already given us proof contrariwise." She shook her head, and looked at Luna. "I don't understand it. It's like they give with the one hand, and take away with the other. How can they do this?"
"All beings are combinations of barbarism and civility, Twilight Sparkle," said the Princess confidently. "That these Templars are the same does not scare me. It reassures me. Were they all one or the other, then it would be a time to be scared. What else have you learned?"
"Well... I've already told you of their religion. But... Not enough." She took a deep breath, and continued. "You see, their religion practices a form of... Of cannibalism. They consume their deity, both body and blood. Or, at least, they believe they do. And they see no problem with this. They view it... As natural, I suppose. And... I don't understand how they can do it. How anyone could do it. It makes me... Sick. To the stomach." Luna frowned, and leaned closer to Twilight.
"Miss Sparkle, do you not know of the griffins?" she asked, in a voice which bordered on disappointment. "When they were first encountered by ponykind, we thought they were cannibals, too, because they ate meat. But we know they are not. And here I think you have failed to learn that lesson from the past. You call them cannibals. But I think there is probably more to them than mere barbarism. You yourself know this. If you truly want to understand them, then you will not let such a culture shock stop you."
"As the Princess says," spoke up the cloaked unicorn stallion from within the deep shadow in the room, "You cannot expect a month's contact to give you the perfect understanding you say you desire. It took me many years among the zebra to learn how they think. If I had claimed knowledge from the start, it would have taken longer, and with less success." His voice seemed both familiar and strange. Each word was deeply intoned and precise. It got on Twilight's nerves. She was happy that he only spoke rarely during these meetings with the Princess.
"Yes, well. I will go back to them and see what more I can learn from them," said Twilight, but her voice gave away her appraisal of that idea.
As she bowed, and left the chamber, Princess Luna turned to her companion. "Well, how are our plans progressing, my dear cut-throat?" she said, her eyes glittering with mischief.
"Our mutual friend's plans have emerged, in part. I am doing my level best to halt them. But my feeling is that there is another joining in the great game. No evidence of it, but Celestia's plans are not going as they ought." There was a movement that could have been a shrug, and then he continued. "The zebra are on the move. You will have to trust me on that. But all in all, it is quiet, like the deep breath before the storm. Something is about to happen."
"What do you think it is?" she asked him, serious now. "You have proven wise in these matters so far."
"Honestly, I have no knowledge," he said, scratching his head. "The griffons are still quiet, but truthfully they have been ever since the last war finished. I think Celestia may have caused more harm to them than they let slip. But if we were merely talking about quietness, then half of Equestria could be planning something. The diamond dogs are definitely up to something, but they've clammed up really well. My agents have barely - and not always - escaped with their lives from them. Celestia didn't keep them under proper check. But as long as they're in their caves, they won't bother us. The buffalo aren't bothering anypony, so it's not them. They're too blunt for conniving schemes." He shrugged again. "It's anyone's game. They'll be striking at Celestia, though."
"Which I don't want. As much as she's shut me out, and is acting strangely, I don't want her to be hurt," Luna said. "What options do we have?"
"Nothing for the moment, Luna." He stared at her, baby-blue eyes like gimlets. "I'm already keeping an eye on her. The best thing you can do for her now is to be her sister. Protect her. And pass on this message from her brother: Flight is a gift not easily given." With that, he withdrew into the shadows, and disappeared.
Luna sighed as she was left alone again. He always gave good advice, but he never made it easy to follow. Well. It was time now to put herself into it. The business of the Templars could wait for now.
Celestia gently lowered the sun, and waited as her sister raised the moon. She held back a yawn. Even though she was forcing herself to sleep again, as properly as she could anyway, she still woke up in the night in a cold sweat. Prince Blueblood and some other useless courtiers clapped politely and then returned to their meaningless drivel. The two guards followed her as she left the room behind her, to return to her chambers.
They waited outside her doors as she went in. There was a time she would have sent them in first, but now she was beyond such fears. But she kept them outside her room. The changelings had shown her that she was not unassailable. She removed the royal regalia and set it to one side. "At last. No more posturing in front of a crowd. I can simply... Be me," she said, to the empty room, and relaxed. She seemed to deflate, as she settled down.
There was a knock at the door, and she frowned. Usually anypony with business for her would wait until the morning... That meant this might be serious. She stood up straight. "Who is it?" she asked.
"It's me," said what sounded like Luna, her voice muffled by the door. "I want to talk to you."
"Luna?" asked Celestia, with a tone of astonishment. "What do you want?" She and her sister hadn't really talked much after the events of the Summer Sun Celebration three years ago. They rarely saw each other, and when they did it was still awkward, still business. What could she possibly want now?
"I just want to talk to you, sis," she said. "Like back before... Well, you know. I want to be friends again." There was a short pause, and Celestia was about to speak when Luna continued. "So, can I come in?"
"I... Yes, of course you can," Celestia answered. The doors were pushed open by the guards outside, and Luna entered, with a small, apologetic smile on her face.
"Sorry if I came at the wrong time, sis," she said. "I just didn't know when else I could talk to you, just you and me. And I really want to do that." She sat down next to Celestia, and smiled properly now. "So, sis, how have you been?"
"Good, I suppose," Celestia answered, still a little startled at this turn of events. Slowly, she sat down too, and the slightest hint of a smile began creeping its way across her face. "Better, for talking. How are you?"
"I am well, I suppose," Luna said. "I'm still exploring the palace a bit more. It's certainly different from our last place."
"Yes... I suppose it is," said Celestia. She didn't really want to get onto this topic. Not now. But Luna didn't seem to notice her new reticence.
"I suppose when you've been away for a thousand years, a lot of things will have changed," she said. Celestia sighed. "What, Celly?" Luna asked, her voice defensive. "We need to talk about these things. Both of us did things that we regret happening. But we need to talk about it."
"Yes... But why now? Why now, when things are so busy and heated?" Celestia asked, a hint of a plaintive tone in her voice.
"Because..." Luna hesitated. "Because somepony told me something I didn't truthfully understand. Somepony told me that our brother had this message to pass on to you: that flight is not an easy gift to give. And... Celestia, it's been more than a thousand years since I'd seen either of you, and now only one of you has returned. I need to know about what has happened since the time I left you. But I also want to rebuild the bridges that I burned down when I did leave you. That is why now." She looked up into Celestia's eyes, sorrow in her own. "Will you help me? Will you let me repair the damage I have wrought?" She stretched a hoof out to her sister, the eldest of the three.
"I... I couldn't really say no to you, could I?" Celestia said quietly, her voice wavering. "I... I shall tell you, then. Your... Our brother. It was just... Just over a thousand years ago. You had only just been banished to the moon. As we were preparing to leave the castle, he disappeared... But not before leaving another message. He... He cut off his wings, and nailed them to my door. I tried to find him, but... Well, he chose to remain hidden. But still, now and then, he leaves me... And you too, now, I expect, messages, or requests. Blueblood, that artless prince, is his latest one. Apparently, he is our brother's son, though he shows none of the virtues of his father." Celestia shrugged. "At least our brother seems to still be in his right mind, if he can continue to care for his children like that."
"But... He's still alive? Why did he..." Luna shook her head. "I think this raises more questions than it truly answers. Did he tell you why? Why he left?"
"He says... That he blamed himself for what happened," Celestia said, holding back a hint of the truth from her sister. To tell her that would be worse.
"Blames himself? Why?" Luna asked, incredulously. "I made my choices, foolish as they were, through my own will, not anypony else. And if it is only that, why doesn't he return now that I have?"
"I don't know, Luna," replied her sister. "He never told me why. Only what I have already told you. I wish I knew myself." Celestia thought back, to those days long ago, and to the note which she still held under lock and key. That he thought he should have been banished rather than Luna... And had enough guilt to amputate his wings... Celestia didn't want to know what was going on in his mind.
"Well... Thank you, Celly, for sharing this with me," said Luna. "I... I'll have to think about this. And... Thank you, for being my friend, as well as my sister."
"Of course, Lunie," Celestia said. "Thank you, too, for returning."
Luna smiled, and stood up and left. Celestia smiled in return until the doors closed. "What could he possibly be up to?" she asked the silent room as soon as Luna's hoofsteps had faded. "How did he know what I was planning? I've told nopony else."
She turned to the locked box hidden in the corner of her chambers, and drawing the key out from its own hiding place, she opened it, and lifted her brother's note from it.
To my dear sister, Celestia,
You may be wondering, and rightly so, why I have done this terrible deed. It is a penance for my crimes. I betrayed Luna. It was I, and I alone, who can take responsibility for this terrible fate that has befallen us. It is I who should be banished - and her, here with you. But I lack the courage to make that final step, and so I give you this gift. Flight is not an easy gift to give, and that is why I must suffer its loss - that I may give some small reparation for my poor sister's fate.
It was well spoken of us, that of the first, she shall inherit the sun, and of the second, the moon, and of the third there shall be no place. Truly, I have never had a real place, nowhere that I fit. I, alone of all of us, have been the most expendable. No purpose guides my life as it does your own. It would have been better, as I said, for my punishment to come before our sister's.
And so I go. But I swear to you, and to Luna, that on the grave of our father and mother, I will find some way, no matter how difficult, to repay this grave treachery I have committed.
Your brother, Terrus.
As she read it, the emotions of that day came flooding back. The guilt from her banishment of Luna coupled with the disappearance of her brother had filled her with despair. It was then that she had searched for what the future would hold for her and her family.
She laid the letter back down, on its bedding - her brother's wings. They had remained, as the memory, untouched by decay. She sat there, for almost a minute, as she looked down at his feathery wings, and cried.
Finally, she shut the box, and raising her face towards the heavens, she shouted. "This prophecy will not come true, brother! For your sake, and hers, I will stop it! I will do whatever needs to be done, but it shall not come true!"
The words could be heard in the corridor beyond her room, but she did not care.
Spike sighed, for what seemed like the thousandth time. "No, Twilight Sparkle is not here, no, I cannot send a message to her for you, no, I do not know when she'll be back, no, I haven't heard anything from Twilight about your friends. You already know this, Scootaloo, so why am I explaining it again?" The purple-maned pegasus didn't budge from the library doorstep, as he had slightly hoped she would. She had been coming back each day since Twilight left to try and help the Templars. Each day she asked the same questions, and at last Spike had really had enough. He looked at the other two Crusaders who were with her, hoping one of them would show enough sense to lead her away.
But neither of them showed any signs of doing that. Instead, Sweetie Belle looked at him with a critical eye. "Well, hold on. You could send a message to Princess Celestia, and ask her to talk to Twilight, couldn't you?" she asked, and Spike groaned.
"Yes, I could," he said, reluctantly. "But I don't really want to bother the Princess with something like that." Admittedly, if it was for Twilight, he'd do it. But for these three foals, he wasn't as sure. And judging by their own groaning, that reasoning had worked.
"Well, hold on a tick," said Applebloom, after a couple of seconds. "It won't be botherin' her if we send it with a friendship report, will it?" Spike shook his head, forced to agree. "Then its settled," she went on. "We just need a lesson about friendship and we can send a letter to Twilight!" There was a cheer from the other Crusaders, and they hurried off.
Spike let out a sigh of relief. At least that would keep them busy, and hopefully Twilight would contact him before then. This was probably the longest time that he had been apart from Twilight, and he was missing her sorely. "Please, Twilight," he said to the empty library after he closed the door, "Twilight, please come back soon." He slumped down to the floor, and cried quietly to himself.
Well, that's depressing...
Good story though.
A story, where the Templars actually get to be the good guys they (debatbly) were?! ABOUT FRICKEN TIME!
Well, this story is really earning those grim and dark tags. But I think Twilight is missing the symbolism of communion. She needs to read a Bible to start getting facts.
Twilight had the same misconceptions as the Romans did. This is a great story keep it up
Hi there! This is Hopeless Appraisal with a review of your story courtesy of WRITE.
This story is incomplete, but since it is already well over 30,000K words then I will be assessing it based mostly on the overall layout rather than blow-by-blow.
Starting out with grammar and mechanics:
The punctuation and grammar are really pretty good! The one truly consistent problem throughout the story was a frequent unnecessary comma where a single article or simple omission will do:
No comma needed.
"Velvet sulkily pouted at him again... and again. He sighed in annoyance."
Put another pronoun following the article 'and' to make these sentences appropriate. Or just remove the comma. Examples
You sometimes have the opposite problem as well:
Here the comma is needed before the article and pronoun, or just remove the pronoun.
There are also several consistent misspellings:
"Pegasoi" should be "Pegasi"
"Armour" should be "Armor"
"Artefact" should be "Artifact"
While I didn't find much consistent stuff to critique in your grammar, your characters and descriptions were often very long winded, especially in the first chapters when Twilight is studying and preparing for the planned party and her parents' visit. Much of what goes on in these descriptions and dialogue does nothing to progress the story and instead brings on some very sluggish phases.
While these experiences in languages could be interesting, it does not end up progressing the story in any way, as Twilight later establishes communication with the Templars through a single spell. Though it does it again right before she finds that spell:
These are just several of the more obvious examples, and many bits like this turn out feeling like simple off-the-bat thoughts and contemplation by the author. Similar things also happened when Twilight brings up the subject of religion with the Templars, which I will talk more on later.
Your tone of voice for characters sometimes changes mid-dialogue (usually it is the ponies when speaking to the Templars) like you just wanted everyone to suddenly speak like the Templars do. Several times the Templars are speaking to Twilight and she suddenly changes her speech patterns to match their own. I resolved that this change is not intentional as Shining Armor's tone also abruptly changes in the middle of his little introspective scene on the balcony talking to his wife. The change often follows their use of the word 'nevertheless'.
Next is the story plot:
The concept of the story is HiE, and the description implies a strong perspective from the Templars. You use the word "Imagine" to begin all three paragraphs in the story description (a little redundant), drawing readers in by placing them strongly in the Templar's shoes.
While we're talking about the story description: Having more than three tags in the description diminishes their effectiveness for browsing readers. I would choose two of either the tragedy, dark, or adventure tag to remove. It looks like tragedy fits best if it really will end tragically, as the content does not earn a dark tag for me (some gore but not a dark story in its concept), and the adventure tag doesn't fit as the focus keeps getting drawn away from the Templar group, who show little-to-no development as characters compared to the Equestrian ponies with whom they interact.
As the story progresses, the promise of Templar perspective in the description increasingly falls short.
Chapter two begins with the Templars fleeing their enemies. The portrayal of their dynamic in their homeland, as well as their religious nature, feels authentic and very enjoyable, and it generates a lot of interest for how such staunchly religious individuals will react to Equestria. But during their first and following encounters with ponies, their reactions are and remain unfulfilling.
Their initial reaction to Scootaloo is too mild to be believable. Yes, they could recognize a Pegasus from myths, but they take the wonder of it all far too easily. There is none of the marveling that you would expect from religious individuals who believe in myths, only a few thoughts and simple acceptance. They also too quickly realize, without any solid thought for the miraculous, that Scootaloo is intelligent and can speak.
It is believable that the Templars are very disciplined and well exercised mentally, but that is why we want to see more of a reaction out of them. The readers have been built up on the Templar’s religious mindset, but they are let down when there is little reaction or relation to that background at all. There is little point putting them in Equestria if they do not act very differently than they do in their homeland, and leaving them so unfazed only disappoints most readers who expect the details.
There are also some visualization problems early on: HiE crosses cartoon with reality, so the initial physical descriptions of the characters need to be thorough. We have no problem with the Templars, but several scenes with the ponies and horses raise visual questions that are never answered:
In their first encounter with Scootaloo she runs to their horses, implying that they are familiar enough to her that she feels comfortable around them, but you offer very little description of their appearance compared to the ponies. Johann’s unfazed behavior around Scootaloo right from the start also raises a lot of questions about how different, or similar, they look. You had another opportunity to resolve their appearance when they met Twilight, but there was none.
And last for story structure:
This is where I see the largest error in this story's conception and execution. The first chapters of a story, especially of the adventure variety, are very important to establishing reader expectations and setting up the overall story you want to tell.
The story begins (not the preface) with the Templars themselves fleeing betrayal and persecution in Old Europe. There is some excellent establishment for their honorable and deeply religious nature as well as their skill in fighting. This intro is active and engaging, and it would make a drawing start for the story if you were to decide the preface wasn't necessary.
Now we turn to Twilight in her library, and arguably everything that happens up until the Templars arrive at her house is just filler, serving no long-term purpose besides getting Twilight from point A to point B (right back at the Library where she began). Her interactions with everyone besides Shining Armor make no difference come later chapters when the Templars are imprisoned and all of the betrayal starts up. This story is not complete yet, but I can confidently say that I don't think much of that long-winded interaction with Twilight's parents and friends will go anywhere. Shining Armor does a little bit to set up conflict with the Diamond Dogs, but there is still very very little for us to go on before those dogs are being (righteously?) slaughtered by the Templars.
Chapter 3 begins with Celestia reading a prophecy that better establishes some things to come. This scene would better serve right before (or earlier) the Templar's arrival in Equestria.
I look at a story as I would a play or a structured essay. When you are planning it, you should know the main points you want to cover and establish some draw for them in the thesis. You get the readers in a mindset before throwing them into the main body, then you address and wrap up all of your points in the conclusion. You did this very well with the Zebra scene and in Celestia's prophecy scene, but it all comes too late in the story. You have told us all in the description that this story will be based on the experience of the Templars and will follow them, not even mentioning what the Equestrians might think. Then, as we come around to chapter five, the story you really seem to want to tell starts coming out. A story about Celestia and her siblings, and her reaction to a prophecy and a war that sends waves through the royal family and all of Equestria.
Lastly, the structure of this story suffers with the focus being turned farther away from the Templars as the story progresses, and the individual Templars themselves having little-to-no character development in comparison to the ponies around them. The description and introduction get the readers in the mindset of the Templars, but once your story starts developing, the characters who are branching out and developing are the ponies. The Templars fight and are thrown in jail, only to remain staunch and unaffected in their own little world while all of the intrigue, betrayal, and politics go on around them. The reader is expecting to follow their minds and reactions. With them being strong religious idealists, it fits somewhat that they deal with everything around them through prayers and other observances that are familiar to them, but there is no change as they progress. Johann and the priest are the only ones who even seem to do any thinking among them.
There are also those long monologues between the Templars and Twilight about their religion when they are at the library, and the doctrine of souls (12 paragraphs of pure concepts) in prison. Both are unnecessary and very long detours as neither Twilight nor the Templars experience a very dramatic change as a result.
The author almost seems more interested and preoccupied with spouting about Templar lore and beliefs than focusing on them as people. They are a depiction of an ideal, and I can only recommend this story as it is to people who are interested in seeing them walk in their mental circles while the ponies tear themselves apart in their wake. The real character story you are trying to tell seems to be about Celestia's paranoia over a prophesy and a war that causes waves across the Equestiran royal family. And that doesn't fit the description and doesn't appear until later chapters.
Conclusion:
This HiE story has an excellent and consistent depiction of the Templars and their culture, but the promise of following them as developing characters falls flat as they do not develop or change at all. The story contradicts its description and focuses largely on Celestia and Luna as driving forces (who are not even listed in the character tags) while the Templars remain stale and go in circles with their observances.
The descriptions and dialogue are consistently long-winded, and the author takes many detours to explore religious concepts that do little to progress the story's plot. A lot of the wording and expression is also very confusing in later chapters when important things are being said.
The thorough and knowledgeable depiction of the Templars' religious culture is what really makes this fic interesting so far, and if it were to build them as developing characters instead of idealistic slap-ons then readers could more easily relate to them and their struggles.
Well, that is most of what I felt to cover while the story is incomplete. I hope you got the feedback you were looking for, and if not then feel free to ask me any questions you have.
Until next time,
~Hopeless Appraisal, WRITE’s Secluded Romantic Theorist
Luna ask for the humans and celestia talk about a lost brother? she ask for the humans!
4971814 actually in Britain armor is spelled armour and artifact is spelled artefact taken from the old arte factum which roughly translates to something along the lines of "made with skill"
5466840
Oh, looks like you're right. Thanks for the help!
5468253 no problem :)
Please update new chapters.
Update?
The symbolism completely went over Twilight's head...I question the intelligence of this Twilight Sparkle.
Wouldn't that be her brother's?
Anyway, really liking the story so far.
6071229
You would be quite right. Scribe fell asleep at the quill... Again.
Thank you for picking it up :)
5972905 It's not the questioning of her intelligence, but instead the questioning of her understanding. You have to keep in mind that she or anyone else had ever encounter the religion that is Christianity. As far as we know from the show and the source material, they don't have any sort of system of organized religion.
And even though Princess Celestia and Princess Luna raise the sun and the moon and had this image of being demi-goddesses to their little ponies. I'm pretty sure they try to discourage their subjects from worshipping them as anymore then just co-rulers of Equestria. I mean, you don't see any churches or temples or priests and priestesses, that are dedicated to their them. Along with everything else that you usually see in organized religion.
So it's no surprised, That Twilight, would be somewhat confuse or misunderstand the religious symbolism behind the Knights Templar's rituals. Unless she had read the Holy Bible and particularly the one about the communion, she would jump to conclusions or misconceptions. And adding her paranoid tendencies, things become more unnecessary complicated than it really need to be.