Flash Sentry breaks it off with human Twilight, feeling unfulfilled by the difference between herself and her pony counterpart. Unfortunately, admitting so out-loud in front of the entire student body resulted in the teen getting severely punished for breaking the girls heart by an angered and jealous teenage boy.
How will Twilight react to this mystery bearded student who expresses such intense anger and contempt for another person she had never witnessed before in her life, especially after what said boy did to her now ex-boyfriend?
Chapters (1)
Self-insert Flash hatred fic. This can only be quality.
I'm not saying this is bad, it's just rather predictable and doesn't want to make me root for the original character. Sure he's point on with Flash Sentry having the personality of a dry sponge but he really did not need to beat down Flash the way he did. And honestly, that's really none of Stardust's business and pretty much makes it seem like it was the only reason if ever brought up again. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy a good Flash bashing here and there but Stardust is just asking for trouble despite him being this loner type character. Why does it really bother him? Does he like it when Twilight is happy and can't stand it when she's broken? I know the story is trying to set up the whole, "bad boy, nice girl thing" and "bad boy can change" but the execution is just not good. I know you can do better and really encourage another chapter if you're up to it. If this was meant to just wrap up in one chapter, okay I'll deal but it just seems more of a multi chapter deal going on.
If this were to continue or be fixed. I would recommend making Stardust more of a mystery earlier on, let us try to figure him out rather than the characters just blurting it out. More like the show and not tell rule. So for example, maybe cut this story in half or in more chapters and put some padding in between the chapters like Twilight taking upon herself to figure out what is Stardust's deal. Did he come from a bad home? Is he hanging out with the wrong crowd? Did he just give up on himself? Does he hate all the cheery positiveness going on in Canterlot High? (Dear god I would)
I will give Stardust props though. He's alot better than the new kid OCs that fit in and succeed too early and drags the story out too long. I remember one story that went like that and I don't remember the main OC's name is but he was soooooo boring that I wanted the story to end, but sadly the next chapter button had an arrow icon on it. I made it to about chapter 8 out of 28 if I remember correctly, I just couldn't take it anymore. What is hard is that you have the author who responds to every review that's left on the page, and you don't really want to give them the bad criticism that the story deserved because he seemed like a nice guy. I told him that there really was no real story going on, his reply "Oh starting chapter 10 the story picks up"... you know that's not good when the story has to take 10 chapters of a cliche high school drama bull. And that just means the first 10 chapters were just unimportant crap... so I dropped the story... *Shivers*
7519193 I appreciate the constructive criticism. To be frank, I wasn't intending for an overall good story, just a harmless one-shot I wrote about four hours in the morning. I tried not to make Sentry bashing the main part of it, even everyone else but Stardust in the fic agreed that the latter went too far with the punishment. I apologize that the reasoning behind his motivations wasn't explained all too clearly, I wasn't expecting many thumbs up this story, truth be told. Might as well just have my admittedly personal resentment towards Sentry in a fic done and out of the way.
Thanks again for the comment, have a like and follow for it.
Still you should throw your best into the smallest of stories. I know the whole "not meant to be a good story" is something the writers tell themselves that they don't mind if the story goes under or not. Hell I do that from time to time on my own stories and don't care if people take offense or is disgusted. Comments are really just from the members who feel they really have some appreciation or dislike for the story. Can't tell you how many times my larger stories don't get any comments despite people sending me PMs to continue. Most of the time my crazier short stories are what get the most shock or entertainment out of. Were not meant to be taken seriously and I get comments from people who question my sanity despite it was written for fun.
Don't apologize for the story. If I learned anything, that the author doesn't have to bend for everything. Take the advice or don't and learn from the experience. You are not going to please everyone. Dear lord especially when you have any story having Flash as one of the main characters. Your stories are pretty much destined to be an obstacle course out of the starting gate wither your story favors him or not. Honestly, I see a lot more crazy pro-Flash people these days than anti-Flash and cry foul for the slightest negativity towards him. Sure you can say the antis can make a scene, but the pros are just as irritating. Then again, I quit watching MLP after the end of season 4 to leave on a good note. So what do I know? All in all, you are not going to please everyone. And I'm glad that you take the story and comments in good stride.
Welcome and thank you.
7519272 Maybe one day, I'll do a fully fledged out story regarding human Stardust attending Canterlot High. But for now, I'm more focused on my main story to do another multi-chaptered fic.
This is the point at which the whole fic went south.
After that, it went all meta, ending up a generic Bashfic while lionising the OC who is actually a worse character than the one the story's trying to bash so hard. Stardust is a generic pretentious angsty violent teen, who the story tells us is this great and wonderful guy while showing us he doesn't deserve any of the praise the characters heap on him. It's shilling, it's clichéd, it creates more of a Gary Stu than anything, and it doesn't work.
In fact, it even makes Twilight look worse by the end, because it reduces her to swooning for this violent, bullying, hateful jerk simply for having said some nice things about her; amongst those how Pony Twilight is worth less than her, which she of course accepts because talking crap about her friends is okay as long as Stardust does it. What a great lesson!
I'm not giving it a downvote, but this could've been done way better.
I got to say fora small fix, it was a really good read, especially after reading after your epic saga of the Twilight Warrior.
It would also be interesting if the two Stardusts were to meet, or if the Equestrian Stardust came back to Canterlot High a bit more sober, reminding family, technology and the like, maybe taking a few trinkets back.
Good read once again man and keep up the work!!!
And a few typos on my part, fic*, not fix, it didn't need that much editing (^__^)