After losing everything, Rainbow is racked with anger, hatred, and bitterness, slowly losing herself to her unfortunate fate. Will Fluttershy be able to save her? Or will Rainbow fall beyond anypony's grasp?
After losing everything, Rainbow is racked with anger, hatred, and bitterness, slowly losing herself to her unfortunate fate. Will Fluttershy be able to save her? Or will Rainbow fall beyond anypony's grasp?
Anypony's
I like what I see so far.
I noticed quite a few things, some of them were smaller but they were still there. For one the story repeated the beginning some time through.
There is a slight logic error here, there is no surefire way for a doctor to decide when some(one)pony is going of come out of a coma and usually they only last about a month. Considering her injuries it could be more, although my point stands.
Missing a word here
This should be a new paragraph, with the first 'she' replaced with 'Redheart'. Also a couple missing letters.
Couple of spelling errors here.
Should be "a hoof" or "her hooves".
This is one of those weird rules that's hard to explain... ("It's fine, hun," she tenderly...") is how it's written. Since the quote ends before the end of the paragraph and doesn't end in [(!)(?) (or an ellipsis)] it ends in a comma. I'm sure I missed this a couple times, but try to work on that. If this didn't make sense, check the writer's guide on FimFiction, it goes into better detail on this subject
I suggest a gore tag, due to the blood and apparent exposed limbs
That's an awful lot of criticism,(hopefully constructive) but know that I'm jus' tryin' ta help! I am enjoying this so far, I'll keep an eye on this. You have a really good start here, keep up the good work and this will turn out awesome. ~ This took forever to write due to the excessive use of color and quotes, maybe next time I won't be such a goof.
I wanted to wish you luck on fimfic.
This whole part of the story is repeated twice.
Other than that, I'd say slow it right down. Add a few thousand words before RD wakes up exploring what the other friends think to the accident. Explore feelings and reactions, that sort of thing.
I wouldn't say it's rushed, but you could definitely have a little more meat on this bone.
Other than a few mistakes, I think it's a very good story. You should take the advice of the other commenters here and see what you can do.
Take the time of re-reading your story to make sure there are no mistakes, or even ask a friend to re-read it for you, if you're open and willing to do that.
I even had to re-read this comment lol
This story is verry good so far, keep up the good work!
Good story, I'm enjoying it so far.. Most of the criticism has been already stated so I'm not going to repeat. Except for one suggestion. Instead of writing page break, use the center paragraph tool and place * or -- etc. It looks better. (Note to self: Never comment from the PS4 again.)
What did this even have to do with Rainbow Dash?