The Calculus of Love

by Lofty Withers

Finging

Bonbon rolled over to face Lyra. ”It's four AM. You should be sleeping. What are you even doing?”

”Finging.”

”Finging?”

”Well, I'm trying to. It's hard without fingers.”

Bonbon scrunched her nose. ”Well stop it or go downstairs. Some of us have work in the morning.” She fluffed her pillow and rolled back over.

”Sure. Hold on. I almost have it.”

Bonbon ignored Lyra. Tried to, at least. It didn’t stop. She sat up and looked at the clock. ”It's been ten minutes, Lyra. Just go to sleep.”

”Yeah, sure.” She glanced at Bonbon, catching her glare through the dark. She sighed. ”I'll just sleep downstairs tonight.”

Bonbon tracked her as she left, listening to the clip clop of her hooves as she descended the stairs. Satisfied, she rearranged the bedding and snuggled into the abandoned warm spot, finally drifting off to sleep.

All good things end.

”Bonbon, Bonbon!” Lyra shook her awake.

Bonbon sat up. ”What? What's going on? Is it the parasprites again?”

”No! I did it! I did it!”

Bonbon yawned and rubbed her eyes. ”Did what, Lyra?” She looked at the clock: 4:58 AM.

”I did it! Watch.” She held a hoof up, wiggling it for Bonbon. ”See?”

Bonbon blinked and leaned closer. ”What am I supposed to see?”

”The finging!”

Bonbon studied the hoof. ”You're just wiggling it.”

”You might think that at first, but it's different than regular wiggling. This is like using a finger.”

Bonbon groaned and looked at the clock. Then the hoof. ”I see. That's great Lyra. I'm real excited for you. Now please,” she said, turning off the light. ”Go the buck to sleep.” She rolled over, dropping her head onto the pillow with a plunk.

Lyra reclaimed her spot in the bed, pulling the sheet up and away from Bonbon, who tugged it back to an equitable split, surprised but glad that Lyra didn't continue the tug-of-war. Bonbon released her tension with a loud sigh and snugged into the pillow, finally able to get some rest with Lyra settled.

Moments later, Bonbon opened her eyes to the muffled sound. There it was again. She whispered, in case Lyra was asleep and just making a weird snoring noise. ”Are you crying?”

Lyra sobbed louder, crushing Bonbon's hopes like a piano tossed over a cliff to the rocks below. She rolled over and wrapped a hoof around Lyra. ”What's wrong?”

”You weren't excited. I could tell. You said you were excited for me, but you weren't. And I've kept you up so late. You’re mad at me now.”

”Seriously?“ She sighed angrily. ”Lyra, I'm not going to act excited at four in the bloody morning. I love you, but this is ridiculous. I can be excited for your weird accomplishments at a more reasonable time of day.” She looked to the shelf at the head of the bed. “Have you been taking your meds?”

”Mostly? I don't know.”

Bonbon flicked on the light and reached to the headboard, grabbing the pillbox. She held it up so the light shone through, allowing her to see the pills past the semitransparent cover. ”Lyra, you've only taken like half your meds for the week.”

”That's last week's container.”

Bonbon facehoofed. ”Lyra, I don't want to have to take you to the emergency room again. You need your medicine. I'm surprised withdrawals didn't kill you last week.” She stared at the container. ”Have you been cutting back for weeks?”

Lyra shrank away from her.

'''Oh Lyra.” She put the pillbox back and cuddled up, wrapping her best friend in a tight embrace. ”I love you Lyra. I don't want to lose you. Why are you doing this?”

Lyra's words came thick and slurred as she fought the tears. ”I don't like how it makes me feel. It was better with a low dose. I could barely function when they raised it. It felt like somepony else controlled my body. I couldn't compose. Everything came out dry and bland. I don't want to be like that again.”

”I see.” Bonbon lay there, stroking Lyra as she thought, waiting until Lyra’s breathing evened and shallowed. She disentangled and slipped out of bed, heading to the door.

''Bonbon? Come back to bed. You need your sleep.”

Looking at the clock, Bonbon smirked. ”I love you. I'll be right back.” Tiphoofing down the steps, she entered the storefront. Grabbing a marker, she wrote ”Closed today, back tomorrow” on a sheet of paper.

Carefully lifting the curtain on the door to avoid ringing the bell above it, she taped up the sign. She dropped a few candies into the free box that opened to the outside—a consolation for the customers she will miss.

Looking around, she nodded. Back up the stairs, with a quick stop to use the facilities and get a drink. She closed the door and climbed back into bed, snuggling Lyra.

”Had to use the bathroom?”

”Yes. Closed up shop for the day too.”

”I'm sorry.”

”It's ok. I can take a day off once in a while. It's just candy. You're more important.”

''Thanks. You're too good for me.”

'''Don't think you're getting off lightly though. We're going to Canterlot after I get a bit of sleep.”

Lyra rolled over to face Bonbon. ”Canterlot?”

”Yes. You're going to tell your doctor what you told me. We’ll get you onto a different medication. Or adjust your dosage. Or something. But you're going to do it with the doctor's assistance and guidance.”

Lyra leaned in, rubbing noses and trading kisses. ”I love you too.” She closed her eyes, smiling. Finally relaxed, Lyra drifted quickly to sleep.

Untangling the mess of emotions that ensnared her, Bonbon watched Lyra's gentle breaths. Her cute face.

Lyra was crazy. Bonbon had the doctor's note to prove it. But Lyra was her crazy. Her crazy musician friend that she somehow fell hopelessly in love with. Despite all the trouble—the doctors, the late nights. The emergency room visits.

Despite it all, Bonbon wouldn't trade Lyra for anything. It's not that the good times more than made up for the bad, although they did. There was no calculus of love. No balancing of accounts. Love is.

Bonbon kissed Lyra’s forehead and slipped out of bed. She pulled the sheets around Lyra, tucking her in with an extra blanket. She headed to the kitchen and put on a pot of coffee. Today would be long, but tomorrow? Tomorrow would be better.

Comments

[axxuy]

Love ain't easy, but it is fuzzy.

[Grey Vicar]

I must admit I didn't really get what happened here. With a basic google search I saw that finging was some weird sexual act? I don't know if that was what you were referring to here so I'm confused.

Pones with mental illnesses make me sad. However, pones helping friends with mental illnesses makes me happy. So there's a mixed bag of feelings here. From what I understand here, Lyra believes she has or used to have fingers and meds help keep it under control. That's a pretty dark take on what is ultimately a harmless meme.

It gave me the feels, that's all I need out of a story really.

Edit: I was mistaken, google is a dumbass. As am I. This is just cute.

[SigmasonicX]

That was a sweet story.

[Vanquish Peralium]

I like this story I can definitely relate to Lyra having a mental illness myself and skipping my medication at times because of how drowsy it makes me feel but if I don't take it I get beyond angry with everyone.

[Lofty Withers]

9838903
It feels sometimes like we're barely past medieval theories of disease. The side-effects of modern medication are wretched, but I have great hope for the future because science and technology are advancing rapidly.

[Bojack H]

9838943
Its more that its a lot of trial and error and nothing ever works quite right, plus we have medications that are too addictive for the public's own good. Its getting better but bespoked technological solutions aren't really forthcoming for biological and neurological problems.

[Lofty Withers]

9839422
I remain hopeful. We already have insulin pumps with real time blood sugar monitoring and dosage adjustment, but yeah—treatments for neurological conditions tend to lag. I'm looking forward to the next 10-40 years. Well have more options, better and cheaper tests, and less trial and error.

[Vanquish Peralium]

9838943
I know what you mean I'm hoping one day we'll have medication's that are side effect free I have dystonia and drowsiness from my pills and I have to take benztropine or something before I drive or my eyes will start rolling up and I can't look straight.

[Lore Horse]

Lyra and Bonbon are one of my favorite parings and I would love to see how the appointment and canterlot goes.

[Lofty Withers]

9839827
I'm sketching out the day. The core scenes are set, but it needs some supporting scenes to carry the story. I have ideas, but some incubation time will let me find the right angle.

[Lore Horse]

9839901
Looking forward to reading it.

[BlackWidower]

Okay, this was basically brilliant. I mean my mental illnesses are quite mild, but even then, this spoke to me. You had her feeling her art was suffering while on her pills. I was once prescribed mood stabilizers (mainly because he was an idiot who wouldn't listen to the words I was saying) and my biggest fear was that it would impair my ability to write. So I didn't take them. I tried seeing that doctor again, after asking for a second opinion, he dropped me as a patient.

Then there's Lyra adjusting her medication on her own. More recently, my medication for other things wasn't working as well as I would like. One day I accidentally doubled the dose. That day it worked really well so I kept doing it. Should've probably went to my doctor immediately at that stage.

But anyway, I understand exactly where she's coming from. Thank you, you brilliant piece of work, you.

[Vanquish Peralium]

9854855
I would be careful double dosing it could have long term side effects depending on the strength off your pills. Because when I first got prescribed antipsychotic medication one wasn't doing enough so I decided to take three didn't bother to read the milligram label my eye sight is bad now I got permanent eye dystonia when I cannot look straight it comes and goes. Now I can't get behind the wheel unless I take benztropine which stops nasty side effects.

[Nailah]

Review
You have a review.
Enjoy.

[Lofty Withers]

10308027
Thanks . Nothing strikes fear into my heart quite like such words as "You have a review." But it's okay. This is okay. I can be strong. I can take criticism.

peeks

Okay. I can work with this. I still live.

[Ice Star]

This story was surprising in the depth it went to, way beyond what I would naturally expect from the length and description. Lyra’s neurotics and behaviors were startlingly familiar too. Overall, this story was a very easy upvote.

But with all that aside, I hated the way that this gripped me, that the plight of Lyra and the discussion was something cut out of everyday routine for me. Even when medication roulettes are one of the most terrible things that I’ve dealt with in disabilities and never found the ability to articulate to others who aren’t already impacted by them. When I caught sight of the spoiler, I was intrigued and guessed that with the description I’d be reading about Lyra getting a feel-good speech on a rainy sort of day. What I actually read was a far deeper story depicting one of the things that I have hated most about my life for as long as I have been taking medications (so, over a decade) and can cut deeper than some of the actual (and possible) side effects. It’s something that I have hated so much I slept on how I was going to comment on this story for about a week, just because I knew that I would likely have to tone down just how much this touched upon one of my most hated experiences while still being a story I enjoyed.

It is only recently that I’ve been lucky enough to find a guy who is my Bonbon too. Definitely going to pass this on to him.

An underrated piece, and though you no longer write here, A fucking plus is what I gotta say.

[Lofty Withers]

10990120
I'm glad you've found your Bonbon.

[Ice Star]

10990863
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Danke.