A group of large, angry, rock creatures come out of nowhere and attack Ponyville. Twilight and her friends must find a way to stop them before they destroy the town, albeit with a bit of a whole new skill from Twilight and Starlight.
Hi, my name is Heroic412227, but you can call me Heroic. I'm still learning how to be the best writer I can be.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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It was a short good story.
10572117
Thanks.
OK, you asked for a comment, so here you go...
To me, the story felt flat - the tension of a fight was simply not there, nor was any humor or something that would let us feel the characters' pain and struggle. It felt more like reading a movie script:
1. Rainbow Dash did this, and it ended in pain
2. Applejack did that, and it ended in pain
etc.
I suck at writing combat scenes myself, but a few (general) suggestions that come to mind:
1. Use some metaphors, similes, and stuff that lets the reader visualize the characters' pain better. Don't overuse simple verbs to pass emotions. To be clear, there is nothing wrong with "shouted," "yelled," and so on, but look here:
"Rainbow Dash! Wait!" Twilight shouted. - that's 100% fine, 'shouted' is neutral, and it fits perfectly here.
[...]
"Ow!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed. - IMHO, after the initial shout, you need to get more creative. Not only "exclaimed" is redundant (we know it because of the exclamation mark), but it doesn't pass RD's emotions to the reader. Why did she 'exclaimed'? Was she in pain? Excited? Pissed off? Of course, you gave the context beforehand, so we are informed it was pain, but the word 'exclaim' alone, doesn't really let the reader feel that pain.
[...]
Fluttershy gasped and fluttered over to help her battered friend. "Rainbow Dash! Are you alright?!" - same here, we know why Fluttershy gasped, but that word alone is a very poor emotion conductor in this scene.
2. Listen (with text-to-speech) and re-listen to the story multiple times and try to figure out if it flows well. Don't be afraid to switch the character entirely and show others reacting to the character's misfortunes.
To give some - VERY CRUDE - example on how I would try to write it myself:
Again, this is a VERY crude version (and I suck at battles myself ), but you have:
If you haven't read it yet, I recommend getting yourself a few books from Janice Hardy's Skill Builders Series:
https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/2868311.Janice_Hardy
Especially these two:
They can really help - you can later read her novel series to see how she implemented her own ideas in her books.
Hope that helps.
10575076
Thanks. Also, I don't have any money, so I can't buy the books.
10575157
Well, there is always her blog:
Fiction University (janicehardy.com)
A lot of things from her books are there, albeit in much shorter versions...
10575194
Okay. Thanks.
The fusion idea is the same as used in Steven Universe.
10616510
That's what the idea is about.
A review has been posted.
Well...
Can you at least have a description of this the rock creatures? Is that a golem or is that "Malphite" in LoL?
10910440
A golem.
10910481
Then what is that golem look like? I don't see anything detail for this golem