Why Are You In My House?
Rarity sighed dreamily and put the latest reply from her sweet special somepony into the drawer with all the others. She needed to tell her friends about her relationship soon if last week’s events were anything to go by. But, for now, the thrill of the secret little romance she had with the Princess did put a little bounce in her step.
She’d write back at the end of the day, once she had finished some commissions for a couple high profile customers. Though she adored the love letters she and Celestia sent back and forth Rarity was a little worried that the increase of orders was because of the Princess’s direct meddling. Not that Rarity wouldn’t appreciate it, she simply liked to be known for her own accomplishments and not for who she was attached to.
These thoughts and others gently swirled through her head as she worked throughout the day. It was a familiar type of flow and hours seemed to pass in the blink of an eye. She didn’t even notice it getting dark until there was ringing at her doorbell.
“Goodness,” Rarity mumbled, glancing at the clock that was late past closing time, “I’m sorry!” she called to whoever was at the door. “But we aren’t open at the moment. Come back tomorrow!”
There was silence for a moment and Rarity assumed that they had taken her advice and left before another ring sounded out.
“Oh for pony’s sake,” Rarity muttered, putting down her sewing equipment and heading to the door. “If this is one of the girls they should know when I say closed I mean…” she flung open the door and her complaints immediately died on her tongue as a blush rose to color her previously white face. “C-Celestia! What… what are you doing here? Not that I’m not happy to see you but…”
Celestia smiled, awkwardly, as Rarity trailed off. “Yes, I know this is… unexpected… but there’s something it seems I need to talk to you about.”
“Yes, yes of course.” Rarity flung the door open wider to allow the Princess to come in and immediately gestured her to a couch. “What… what is it you’d like to talk about, dear?”
Celestia did not sit down. “Well, there seems to have been a bit of confusion. Though I wouldn’t really call it confusion so more as deliberate misleading.”
Rarity could feel all the blood draining out of her face as she remembered her own ‘bit of confusion’ just last week. Was the Princess here to tell Rarity that the two were not dating? That somehow the months of beautifully crafted ballads that would make a classic poet cry were not filled with wonder and affection? And shameless, crass, one-word compliments through the mail were somehow not supposed to have romantic undertones? How???
Celestia pulled out a letter. Rarity’s letter. “You see I found this most curious thing in Luna’s room…”
“Sister why dost thou hate me so?!?”
A blinding flash filled the room, causing Rarity to blink spots out of her eyes for a few seconds. When she could finally see again what she did see was Princess Luna, now also in her living room, climbing over Celestia in a desperate attempt to grab the floating letter.
“Why must you ruin everything!?!” Luna cried as Celestia maneuvered the scroll out of her reach once again. “We had a good thing going! Take mercy on your little sister!”
“Luna,” Celestia said with the irritated patience of an older sister that Rarity had used quite a few times herself, “You can’t keep lying to her. You need to come clean.”
“Noooooo!” Luna whined but stopped her struggling and instead proceeded to fall dramatically onto the floor in crushing defeat. “But I don’t want to.”
Celestia patted her gently on the top of the head as Luna groaned into the carpet.
“Uuuuuuuuuuuh,” Rarity squeaked more than said as she watched the scene, “Would one of you please like to tell me what I’ve been lied to about? Or just… whatever is going on here?”
Celestia sighed. Regally. Princessly. Not romantically. “I recently discovered that you have been sending me love letters for an indistinguishable amount of time.”
Rarity was going to die. She was going to drop dead right here in her living room from embarrassment. And hypocrisy. And then all of her friends would laugh at her. Laugh at her sad corpse.
“And worst of all,” Celestia continued, ignorant of Rarity trying to figure the most proper way to fall to the ground and die, “It seems somepony has been writing you back. Using my name.”
At this Princess Luna sprung from where she lay and flung herself at Rarity’s hooves. “You must forgive me! I didn’t know how else to show my affections for you. I intercepted a letter for my sister once and wrote back with all my feelings on the page and… well the rest is history.” She rose to her hooves but it was only to fall into a deep and well-executed bow. “I have loved you for a very long time. Ever since that first Nightmare Night I came to Ponyville-”
“The first...the Nightmare Night I was out of town for?”
“But I knew you would have rejected me if I just bore my heart to you,” Luna continued as if Rarity had not interrupted, “I was only planning on masquerading as my sister for a few letters, I swear! But you seemed to grow so attached to her so fast my jealousy blinded me!” She sank to her knees and threw her hooves in the air. “Oh, heaven curse us this is just as it was with Nightmare Moon!”
Celestia rolled her eyes. “Lulu, you are always so dramatic.”
“Wait wait wait,” Rarity said, waving her hooves to gain the two Princesses’ attention, “So Luna has been the one writing to me this whole time? But- but… I talked to you, Celestia! In person! About our letters.”
Celestia tilted her head to the side. “You did? When was this?”
“Last… last Gala?” Rarity insisted, a desperate edge to her voice as she tried to cling to some form of sanity, “Last Gala I went up to you and I asked if you meant what you said in the letters and if we were special some ponies now. And you said yes!”
“Oh,” Celestia said, squinting as if to think very hard about perhaps the most treasured date in Rarity’s life, “Yes, I... may have said that. Truthfully, when I’m at Galas I usually just say whatever I think will get ponies to stop talking to me the quickest. I don’t even remember attending the last Gala. That’s how deep I was daydreaming about leaving.”
Rarity’s whole body twitched. She was going to develop a permanent tick, she was sure, and so she simply collapsed onto her couch, one hoof lifted to her forehead in exhaustion. “So it’s actually been Luna writing me this whole time? Luna is the one who wrote that letter the day after, detailing how she couldn’t stop looking at my flanks the entire night?”
“What?” Luna asked, picking herself off the floor with a curious expression, “A letter that said what? Please my dear muse, I would never write something so blunt. You inspire me to construct poetry. Like a particularly bright star in Mine Night. If I would write something so shallow...” She sniffed in indignation and turned away, “Besides, I did not attend that Gala either.”
“So you… didn’t write me that letter?” Rarity asked slowly. Her horn lit up and her light blue aura started rummaging around in her private drawer until it caught a few scrolls and pulled them out. “This letter? Neither of you wrote it?” She shoved said letter in Luna’s face and let the others hover around her head.
Luna inspected all the scrolls carefully and even Celestia bent close to take a look.
“Some of these are mine,” Luna admitted, pulling those close, “But these ones about… how attractive you are… is nothing I would ever pen.”
“The horn writing is amazingly close,” Celestia marveled, “Whoever wrote these other ones, both you and her, Lulu, captured my penmanship perfectly.”
“‘I noticed how skilled you are at sewing,’” Luna read allowed, “‘If there weren’t witnesses I’d love to see what else that horn-’”
“NEVERMIND!” Rarity cried, snatching them all away in a flourish of magic, “If neither of you wrote them then neither of you get to read them either!”
“But who wrote it?” Luna insisted, looking miffed, “Who would dare impersonate me, a princess, and lie to you, fair Rarity? If these letters are a… reflection of their true feelings then why would they hide themselves away?”
Rarity and Celestia shared a Look. Capital ‘L’.
“Ignoring… certain things…” Rarity said in a desperate attempt to move on, “the question of who else would impersonate you two is a genuine one. They must be very confident in themselves to…”
She trailed off as a tall shadow fell upon her and hot breath tickled her fur.
“It was me,” Came a silky purr in Rarity’s ear.
Before she could do more than shiver, something gently wrapped around Rarity’s barrel and lifted her into a close hug a few body lengths in the air.
“I am also,” Discord whispered, his hot breath against Rarity’s face and making the Unicorn freeze in absolute confusion and terror, “so deeply, deeply in love with you.”
“Aaaaaaa…” Rarity let out a high pitched whine, a scream caught somewhere down in her throat, “Are...are you serious?”
There was a beat of silence as little pink hearts floated around Discord’s head and he gazed at her in his arms, oh harmony’s sake that love-stricken gaze.
But then his face cracked and a snort escaped his lips. “Ha! No!” Discord crowed, dropping Rarity so he could better roll onto his back in mid-air and clutch his stomach. “B-but you should have… you should have seen your face! Oh my… my HA! That was rich.”
Rarity glared at him from the floor where she had so rudely been dumped on her rump. “Glad to see someone is finding this situation amusing.” She spat.
“Oh, and I certainly do,” Discord said as he cackled, whipping a tear from his eye, “After I learned what happened last time with all your friends I was so disappointed I couldn’t join in on the fun. I wasn’t going to pass up an opportunity like this again.” He chuckled to himself for a few more moments as the ponies glared. Once he had caught his breath he let out a content sigh and patted Rarity on the head, messing up her mane completely. “This was fun, Miss Rarity. But, you did make Fluttershy sad by not being her girlfriend. So I’m going to have to kill you now.”
She almost tripped as she tried to stand back up. “W-wha… I beg your pardon?”
Luna’s horn glowed dangerously as she surged forward. “Dare not touch her, you fiend!”
“Kidding!” Discord smacked Rarity playfully on the back, sending her sprawling onto her face again, and held up his paw to keep the furious princess back. “Kidding. I’m kidding. I’m such a kidder today. Or maybe not. Yes, I am. HA!” He laughed again and twisted in the air with glee. “You all are simply much too easy.”
Helping Rarity to her hooves, Luna glared venomously at Discord, though she did power down her horn. “Your jokes have gone too far this time, Discord. Impersonating royalty for a prank? Have you no sensitivity for anything?”
In response, Discord blew a raspberry. “First off: I’m royalty too so it’s fine.” A beanie with a crown pattern sewn into it appeared on his head. “The coolest king of chaos there ever was.”
Luna and Rarity rolled their eyes in unison.
“Secondly,” Discord continued, picking up one of the discarded letters and waving it in Luna’s face. “I would never write anything so simultaneously erotic, detailed, and sappy. I’m not even a pony. I don’t know what makes their butts sexy.” He flicked the paper into Luna’s face but it still somehow ended up hitting Rarity in the snout. “You, my dears, are looking for a fanatic of flirting.”
“Oh,” Celestia, who had been standing quietly in the background this whole time, suddenly spoke up, “I’ve been thinking and I do know one pony whose… behavior, let’s say, matches those letters, and what Discord said, to a tee.”
Her horn glowed bright for a moment and then, with another blinding pop, Princess Cadance appeared, half a cookie stuffed in her mouth.
She froze midstep, staring at the four creatures staring back at her like a cornered animal. Then, after a few moments where she processed that she was in Rarity’s house, and Rarity processed what her being there meant, Cadance sighed and took another bite of her cookie. “Darn it. I guess the jig is up, huh?”
“YOU?!?” Rarity screeched as she pointed a shaking hoof at Cadance. She was completely past even the idea of decorum at this point. Only madness was left. “You’ve been sending me love letters too??? But, huh, but… but you’re married!”
Princess Mia Mora Cadenza shrugged. “I’m the Princess of Love. I can love more than one pony at a time.” She eyed Rarity up and down for a moment before taking another bite and giving the Unicorn a pointed look. “And you’ve got a really nice butt. So there’s that.”
“See?” Discord exclaimed, gesturing to Cadance as if she had just made a compelling point, “I told you. Someone who knows pony butts.”
“Please stop saying butts,” Rarity moaned as she brought both front hooves up to massage her temple. She was probably giving herself premature wrinkles with how aggressively she rubbed her face. “So. I have been flirting. With all four of you.”
“Three. Probably”
“...three… thank you, Discord.” She elected to ignore that second word. “All three of you for the past few months. Yes? Is that what’s been going on?”
“Yeah,” Cadance confirmed, “I’ve been intercepting some of your letters to Aunty and… wait… the three of us?” She turned to raise a brow at Luna who, in turn, blushed furiously.
“Who I choose to court is my own business and not yours, niece!”
Cadance wiggled her eyebrows at the Night Princess and smirked. “Wow, Aunty Luna, I didn’t know you were such the conniving type. Pretending to be Celestia to get a mare? I’m honestly kind of impressed.”
“Which means!” Rarity continued loudly, cutting off Luna from snapping back at the youngest Alicorn. “Which means the pony I thought I was dating doesn’t actually exist. So that’s just… great. I don’t know what to think or feel anymore. Two more ponies are in love with me and I don’t even know either of them like I thought I did!”
“If it helps,” Celestia spoke up, tilting her head and inspecting Rarity. “We could try you and me for real? Maybe I should have been flirting back? To be fair I haven’t flirted with anyone in a good millennium.”
Rarity was sure she would stain her coat red from all her blushing. “Oh for pony’s sake! Are there any more members of royalty who want to profess their love to me?”
“Wait! I LOVE YOU!”
Every eye turned to the door that had just slammed open.
King Thorax of the Changelings was standing in the entryway, staring back at the crowded dress shop with wide eyes. “Uh… um, is… I was looking for…”
Rarity sighed and dropped her head. “Spike isn’t here, Thorax. I would suggest just waiting at the castle if he isn’t already there.”
Thorax swallowed heavily and nodded. “R-right. Sorry to bother… uh… whatever it is that’s going on here. I’m just gonna…”
He slowly stumbled back out of the shop and closed the door behind him, leaving Rarity alone with her problems once more.
“Ah,” Discord said after a beat, “Isn’t true love such a beautiful rarity in this world?”
Rarity did not look up from the floor. “Screw all of you.”
Cadance snorted. “Promise?”
Rarity didn’t know she could chuck three alicorns and a draconequus out the window at the same time. You learn something new about yourself every day.
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And Cyrano thought HE had it tough.
It was all a hilarious train wreck... and then Thorax burst in and I lost it.
Poor Luna, having the rug pulled out from under her like that.
It's why she and Rarity would go so well together.
Gotta say I'm rather disappointed in heartbutt here.
May the gods bless you, Cadence
Ooooh. No. Noonononononono, NO. That's uncomfortable, that made me physically cringe. Nothing against them, I love their character but... Oh god, that felt weird.
Great sequel with amazing timing.
Let me guess. Chrysalis, Tirek, and the Smooze are next? Of them all The Smooze has gotten the...closest to Rarity. Or maybe there is a Diamond Dog that would want to slap her rump again and call Rarity a mule.
Then there is Anon if he exists.
Vengeance. Good sweet vengeance for the broken hearts of the others from Mane6. Especially for Twilight's.
Years later....
Luster Dawn bit her lip nervously as her, what she assumed to be, girlfriend looked at her with an expression that bordered on boredom and disappointment.
"You think we've been dating?" The older mare asked, her words causing Luster to flinch at the tone.
"W-well yes. I mean, I know that your older and---"
"Stop," Rarity interrupted. "We aren't dating, we have never dated and... How old are you?"
"I just turned nineteen!" Luster exclaimed happily. "Because most ponies look down on older ponies for being together with un-"
"Stop! Stop, stop, stop. We are not dating, we have never dated, and I would never imagine dating somepony younger than myself. Besides, I'm married."
"Wait, to who?"
"Myself," Rarity answered as another Rarity trotted up to her side. "The mirror pool allowed me to really get in touch with myself."
"And when I started touching myself, I just couldn't stop," the second Rarity finished.
"... Did you just-"
"Yes," they both answered.
This series gets more and more ridiculous and unbelievable every entry.
AND I LOVE IT.
Looks like Rarity really was dating royalty, just not the one(s) she thought...
5 mustaches
This is beautiful.
This was mad. Mad and funny. Well done.
Though don't think I'll forgive you for stringing along my waifu like that. Rarity deserves happiness, dangit.
Man Rarity just can’t catch a break, hopefully she’ll find a true special somepony at some point...or not that might be funnier.
Hilarious work, well done
Lovely
Walked into that one, Rares.
I adore that Discord's answer to the question of Rarity flirting with him was that it probably wasn't real.
That is something that is going to haunt Rarity's dreams. She will be just on the cusp of sleep when his comment comes back to her, and then any chance of sleep will evaporate as she contemplates the most remote possibility that yes, she was somehow flirting with Discord and he may have reciprocated.
Well, that was a glorious mess.
Goddamn, that's beautiful
!
10599904
Months Earlier (Assuming this takes place after Starlight's reformation)
Twilight looked at the barren wasteland around her and Starlight, wind rushing past their manes as the ashes of the dead world clung to their coats. Starlight, the mare responsible for the untold deaths and unimaginable horrors of this world, seethed in anger as Twilight stretched out a hoof of friendship.
"I don't know what would possess you to create a village without cutie marks, and even though it was a morally reprehensible act with questionable ethics and dark implications of dark magic, I'm still sorry that I made you feel sad."
"Oh, you wanna know what happened to ME?!" Starlight demanded, as her magic began to surround herself and Twilight, dragging them through time and space to a familiar town. Twilight looked up to see a young version of Starlight trotting through the streets of her old home, cantering towards a vaguely familiar filly.
"This is what happened. A cutie mark stole my girlfriend!" Starlight explained, as the younger version of Rarity entered a carriage and waved off to her friends. "She left me! She didn't even give me a goodbye kiss or an address to send her a letter. Then, imagine my surprise when, after years of looking for her, I find out that she's spending time being hounded by a bunch of creepy mares. So, I created a spell to remove cutie marks to scare you and your friends off, and I used Our Town as a way to test it out. I needed to make sure the effects were actually permanent, so that I could keep you all away from Rarity forever. But you ruined it!"
"I see... No friendship for you," Twilight announced as she reconfigured the spell to leave Starlight in the last timeline and returned back home, hopefully to spend some time with her girlfriend. While she would have usually hesitated to leave a mare in another dimension with no hope of survival, the articles in her magazines did say to "protect her mare" so to speak. And really, wasn't "banishment to a dying world" just a colorful way of saying "self-defense"?
10601479
*wheeze*
Poor Rarity. Her feelings and emotions trampled underfoot.
This was gold to read. I specially enjoyed when the narration's voice was complementing the dialogue.
Fantastic follow up, just as hilarious as the first one.
10599904
The second Rarity looks at the first.
"We're married?"
"Ye—of course we are! What are you saying?! We were at the altar together, just a few years ago!"
Rarity's expression turned doubtful. "I don't remember that. We never married. I have no idea why you would think we were ever an item."
Rarity's eyes nearly popped out of her head. Her ears splayed back against her skull as she sputters. "Bu—we, you—then, then who was there with me?!"
A nearby rock flickered in emerald fire. An older, but not necessarily braver, Ocellus stood there instead now. She coughed and touched the back of her neck. "I'm... I'm sorry, Rarity. That was me."
"What?! But—"
"But only because I was asked to!" The Changeling threw in. Her tone grew increasingly desperate as the words flowed. "At least in the beginning. But the more time we spent together, the more I realised I love you! I loved you ever since you were our teacher! It grew from a simple order to something I wanted, I needed! And now that you know I tricked you, our marriage is null and void! I'm sorry!"
"Ocellus!" Came a five-fold cry from afar. The other students. "How could you?!!"
Rarity held up a hoof. "Wait. You said it was for somepony else at first. Who?"
Ocellus bit her lip. Finally, she lowered her head. "Prince Pharynx."
"What?!"
"It's true." Ocellus nodded. "He was too shy. Even today, he couldn't come. He said something happened that required his attention."
Suddenly, a flash of brilliant white drew everyone's attention. The flash came from the perfect teeth of a tall, white stallion. "He was distracted," said Prince Blueblood, "by my challenge to a princely duel. For your hoof, my lady!"
"What?" Rarity asked, pointing an accusing, and widely asked-for alabaster hoof in his face. "You expect me to believe YOU challenged PHARYNX to a duell?!"
"Indeed!" Blueblood tossed his mane. Then he paused. "Though I did ask another stallion to fight in my stead. Equestria could never handle the loss of one such as I. Right now, Prince Pharynx should be battling Flash, who I might have insinuated to that he could win your affection through prowess in combat."
Rarity closed her eyes and took a deep breath. A thought crept up on her. "Wait. Which Flash? Magnus? Or Sentry?"
Blueblood tapped his chin as he thought. "You know, it might have been both of them actually..."
10602265
“I’m also here,” a monotone voice drawled out from behind Blueblood, causing the prince to leap away in surprise as an earth pony with grey fur and a green turtleneck looked at the group with a disinterested gaze.
“Maud?! But you’re married, aren’t you?” Rarity asked.
"And a mother," the other Rarity pointed out, possibly upset at being the only one not to contribute for more than a minute.
“I am. I just came here because Tom was too worried to meet you. You haven’t answered any of his letters, and he’s really upset about it,” Maud explained.
“Tom? Who the heck is Tom?!”
“… You sick monster,” Maud spat out before turning away from the mare and trotting back home, possibly planning to consolidate a large rock about his heart break.
Rarity looked at all the gathered creatures, desperately trying to hold on to whatever remained of her sanity.
"Alright! Who else is apparently in love with me?!"
"I am!" A voice called out from above before an extraordinarily tall blue dragon empress clad in golden armor landed in front of her.
"Ember?! Are you serious?!"
"It's true, since the day I met you in the Dragon Lands, I knew that you were the only one for me. Even under that costume, I could see the beauty beneath the stitched scales and googly eyes, I could feel the warmth of your magical gaze kiss my wings. You've been the only pony on my mind since that fateful day. Please, Princess Twilight, would you-"
"Wait, I'm not Twilight though," Rarity corrected, causing the dragon empress to peer down at her.
"Damnit, all you ponies look alike. Uh, no offense," she said before extending her massive wings to fly away.
As Rarity and the others watched her leave, a tall orange abyssain wearing a red trench coat walked in with a bouquet of flowers in his paws. Once the ponies and other creatures took their eyes off of the dragon, their gazes lingered on the stranger from the Storm Lands, who coughed awkwardly.
"Um, hey? Is now a bad time, cause I can come back later..."
The orange tabby was suddenly shoved aside as a unicorn with maroon fur and an artificial horn looked around desperately.
"I head that there was a challenge for Rarity's hoof. Where is it?!" She demanded.
"Tempest? B... Have we even had a conversation before today!?" Rarity asked.
"No, but I heard there was a fight and I'm so bucking BORED!" Tempest lamented. "Besides, if I win, I could barter for a herd and get together with Princess Twilight," she explained, revealing her true intentions.
"You might have to fight a dragon for that right, darling," the other Rarity warned.
"... Twilight's tits, I'm so turned on by that. I need to go!" Tempest shouted before she teleported away.
"Okay... Anypony else want to suddenly jump in?"
"I do~" A velvet voice said, as Rarity's shadow began to rise.
"N... Nightmare," Rarity whispered as the familiar visage of the Nightmare entity rose up above her.
"Yes darling, it is I. After I merged with you all those years ago, I realized that you were the only one for me. Please, come back to me my bedazzling dream, and together, we can conquer all of Equestria! Or, you know, just go on a date and see where the night takes us, that could be nice too."
"... Buck this shit I'm out," Rarity appeared to sing, trotting away from the many creatures and demon that gathered around her. The one who pushed the first domino of this chaos looked around uneasily until her gaze lingered on the other Rarity.
"Soooo... Herd?" She asked hopefully.
10602294
got a laugh out of me with the Ember bit in there
OK, that was pretty funny.
This. Right here, the best line. Bravo, this was fantastic.
10602294
10602265
These are the best comments I've ever gotten. I'm dying laughing you guys are great
10603194
I added a bit more to it. I think it has an ending, but someone else may add onto it next. I'm really hoping for a third story to make a trilogy.
And then Chrysalis
Goodness, this is such a solidly amazing sequel to a beautiful story! Both are super enjoyable, got all that humor, all the weirdness, just everything needed to make this all a big joy to read! I know I'm a bit late to this, but I hope ya didn't mind that I made a reading on this neat sequel fic of yours!
Audio Linkyloo!: https://youtu.be/TqsXkomujAQ
(I don't mean to offend anyone with this comment in any way!)
10599904
Sometimes, the best thing for yourself is....yourself.
What a perfect sequel! You use the qualities of each of the characters so well. Luna and Discord especially really pop out of the page. And I can just picture the scene at the end!
And also, the title! I laughed just from that alone.
10606198
OH MY GOSH! This is great! Thank you so much!
10605249
YEEEEES! Make a threequel where the villains confess their love!
How did I miss this until now! Great job!
10600396
Well, just because he was kidding about killing her didn't mean he was going to let her go without some kind of punishment.
Odd that she didn’t try to at least take Celestia up on it. Heat of the moment I suppose.
I wish I could double-extra-favourite stories. because this and the previous instalment definitely deserve it.
I am definitely going to seek these out again, prime re-reading material.
Not sure why this story is trending but I'm glad it is I love this story!
The titles are wild and the comedy is great!
An oddball ghost happened across your fic and read it. Have a review!
You can has review!