She's only been here for a few minutes, and yet she knows more about how things should work than anypony alive. Meet the expert on all things Equestrian, except how to pronounce or spell it (and if you're pointing that out to her, then you're just being racist). She knows how to fix everything, and all that's required to do so is to let her speak with the manager!
...the Princesses?
Are you sure there isn't a higher authority available?
(Now with author Patreon and Ko-Fi pages. Due to minimal story length, this was a Patreon freebie.)
Rated C for Crackfic.
This story has no purpose in existing beyond my wanting to kill a Karen.
Chapters (1)
I share your pain over Karens. But the internet joke was brilliant.
This honestly deserves so much more than the single upvote I can give.
I need to go check on my neighbor— I think Celestia and Luna just sent her to the highest authority.
Yes. Yes you are. Trust me.
That was glorious. Simply glorious.
beautiful
I know the feeling. Sometimes, I think Purge rules should apply but only to Karen's to keep the population down.
I've definatly worked with people that I've also wanted to send to the sun.
Thank you for existing, Estee.
I work in retail. I hate Karens. This story gives me life.
Cathartic, right? It's got to be fun to get to rip the most annoying parts of society a new one in the safe fictional realm. She definitely represents the most extreme and unpleasant aspects of humanity at its worst. Even threw in some good ol' racism at the end there. Which is doubly funny because Celestia is more white than she is. Yet you can't fight with Fake Logic which says Anything I Don't Agree With Is Wrong and the Devil. I feel bad for anyone named Karen. I bet you in 20 years that name will disappear entirely.
Thanks for the amusement Estee. Stay strong in the face of the no-doubt monumental backlash coming your way. After all, who wouldn't be on the Karen's side here? /sarcasm
Reminds of me when I poured a little bit of everything at a Burger King soda fountain into the same cup and created a liquid that tasted exactly like a handful of assorted gummy bears.
The narrator had been as surprised as they were, but still faithfully reported even that unique intonation.
Delightful bit of goofiness and sweet, sweet catharsis. Thank you for it.
So if someone is being annoying it's okay to kill them? The blatant stereotype was funny until you made the princesses massively OOC. In short, the ending killed it (just like Karen).
May ponies never developed the internet.
10670689
*takes long look at Random tag*
Yes.
Always yes.
Forever yes.
All the yeses.
In fact, I'm killing someone right now. Wanna help?
I almost threw my phone across the testing chamber I was in, since I hear this more than I'd like to ever admit.
This was one of those things I read that I was like "death, death, deathdeathdeathde- oh thank God".
Bless you Estee.
10670712
... Fuck it, why not? What's the name of the corpse, boss?
Beautiful :')
Cash Money,
Pretty sure that would actually taste like chicken, not that ponies would know what that tastes like.
I'm surprised the sisters lasted as long as they did.
That woman should've been yeeted to the moon before she made her first demand.
This was hilarious, but this bit got me especially.
As a Christian IRL, this made me laugh especially hard. Really, whenever Karens go that route in general I find myself laughing in some way.
Wonderful little bit of comedy.
One of the great tragedies of COVID-19 is the loss of movie theaters, but not for the reason you think. See at least in America, movie theaters are overseen by the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA) and the National Association of Theater Owners (NATO) (the other one). And those two organizations take the rating system - G, PG, PG-13, R, and NC-17 - seriously. And they took fire hazards seriously. They took both of these things very seriously. To the tune of thousands of dollars in fines for any violation of the rules they encounter in theaters with secret shoppers.
When I worked for Regal, I could be certain that management and corporate would always have my back on a few things: Under 17 not admitted to rated-R films without an accompanying parent or guardian. Under 6 not admitted to a rated-R film period. If a show is sold out you cannot buy a ticket and stand in a doorway or sit on the stairs.
No exceptions. No matter what. If any employee violated these rules knowingly, then they’d be fired, the manager of the store would be demoted, and the company would be fined several thousand dollars.
So as a result of this...you got to say “no” to people a lot, and as long as you were polite and respectful, management and corporate had your back and you would suffer zero consequences. None of this you’re-just-following-the-rules-but-the-manager-makes-an-exception bullshit that makes you look like an asshole. No means no means no. We had a guy who literally complained all the way to the Vice-President of the entire company and not only did it not work, not only did they not get a single free ticket or bag of popcorn as “consolation”, the VP sent a copy of the e-mail exchanges down the line to every person who had interacted with this asshole just to show that at the God-damned highest level of the company, they did not bend in the face of bitching, and they had your back.
You have no idea that that does for a store’s moral, knowing that the guys in charge won’t throw you under the bus just because someone is screaming that their 3 year old should be allowed to see Magic Mike, or some dad wants to pay for the tickets to Deadpool but not see it with his kids. It was so great. Working at and for a movie theater was the best job on the planet if for nothing else but that: the power to say “no”.
The free movies were great too.
10670744
Ayyy! Christian squads that dislike Karens, where you at?
Something, something deoxyribonucleic acid.
.....no comment....
She said, to the very white pony in charge.
As Londo Mollari once described it, Arrogance and stupidity, all in the same package, how efficient.
10670785
Right here, homie. And thankfully NOT employed in retail, tech support, or any other occupation with a high Karen-to-human ratio.
i wish i could enjoy this but....that karen was so accurate it hurt~
edit: take my like
On the one hand, this is great caricature.
On the other hand, the best lies are mostly truths.
You figure with all the hair spray they must use it would be.
ahh yes the karens
reminds me of how Flat-Earthers keep claiming that "the bible says earth is flat."
to which i like to retort, "provide the EXACT book, chapter and verse where it says THOSE EXACT WORDS so i can look in MY bible and see if it really says that."
one idiot REPEATEDLY answered "Leviticus."
JUST that.
And how many people wish they could use the Princess's solution for Karens downside being sending too many at once might get any ulitmate authority annoyed at us
Now that’s just uncalled for. You’re insulting helicopters everywhere.
10670736 NO YEETING to the Moon remember that's Luna's domain
“Karen Yelp reviews Equestria!”
I don’t know if you should have pointed Karen at the flower trio, because windmills cause cancer might have turned out to be the conspiracy theory that helped them see the light. Leaving them to burn their magazines and stop being crazy...
Or introduced her to Wordia Spinner. Which might lead her to quitting the muckraking business and taking a job as Luna’s press secretary.
Because sometimes the way out of stupidity is to spend time with someone stupider than you...
Very amusing, although the Karen was perhaps a bit too self-aware? (Most Karens who take any criticism as censorship or a personal attack will also claim to be open to intelligent, constructive criticism). But then, crackfic.
This would be unreadably painful if it weren't so funny at the same time. I love it.
10671067 Proper response: "So can you point that out in my reference? I have it in the original-era Hebrew." (You have to love a language where the alphabet and the number system borrow from each other at random. I barely speak English, let alone Hebrew, Aramaic, and Koine Greek, all of which have really screwed-up number systems.)
10670744 Thankfully, the Equestrians use a technology sufficiently advanced that only certain well-woke individuals not mentioned in this fic at all could possibly mistake for the archaic term 'magic' (We measure it in Milli-Nivens)
10671288 ...and the only intelligent, constructive criticism they accept is complete subservience to their every demand, even the ones that are mutually exclusive. (see above for multiple examples)
10671226
the sun? I'm sure Tia won't mind, especially if she doesn't mind incinerating Karen on the spot.
10671401 That would've been cleaner all the way around Karen would've vaporized well in our Solar System before she passed much beyond Mercury. How close to Equestria's sun that's another matter but fairly sure she'd have never made it to the surface
10671433
yeah, what Equestrian astronomy is like, I have no idea...
I did not enjoy this, and I feel dumber for reading this.
Which obviously prove this is a masterpiece and you did a GREAT job with it!😝
No, but seriously, I like the story. I just feel dirty inside from all the stupidity the Karen character said!
I read this in the a customer voice that I had yesterday XD
10670822
The novelization - which fully indulges in the fact that Londo is telling the story to a couple of kids and so has him frequently break to talk or explain things to them - expands on that scene a bit by pointing out that arrogance can be outmaneuvered, and stupidity can be outthought, but the two together are all but unassailable.
It also contains one of my favorite bits in any book ever, in the same scene but earlier, when he’s given Lefcourt the serum intended to clear up the President’s flu. He noted the look exchanged between Lefcourt and the aide and figured that the two were going to have it tested and re-tested and re-re-tested just in case it was a poison and not a serum.
On the one hand, he almost mentally applauds their almost Centauri paranoia. But on the other hand he feels mildly insulted. And I’ve never forgotten why (and remember, this is him framed as telling this to a couple of preteens and their nanny):
One uses poison because it can be done discretely, without any obvious trail leading back to the poisoner. You do not simply hand over a vial to the intended victim and wish them “bon appétit”.
10670736
Now now, no polluting. Throw that talking garbage into deep space!
WOW!!!
Just read the first three paragraphs and had to give the story an upvote. I'm disappointed I can't fave them on their own.
I'm going back now to re-read them twice and THEN enjoy the rest of the story. Huzzah!
I figured they would dump her in Tartarus to annoy Tirek.
"a fully-independent neutral audit run by people I choose personally who agree with me in every way."
I love this, because of course. How could someone be neutral if he don't completely agree with you?
My brother told me about an epic moment with a Karen that he saw a few years back.
So he just got out of Best Buy, and was on his way to his car. Before he crossed the road, though, he saw this man hold the door open for a woman. It seemed nice and all...
... until she snapped at him, and got up in his face, telling him that she doesn't need a man to hold the door for her like she's some kind of so-and-so. She then went on a tangent about how women should be treated as an equal.
Finally, the man told her "You know what? Fine, then, you want equality? Here!"
Then he slammed the door into her face, telling her that he'd do the same thing to any man that pisses him off.
I wish I was there to see it!
10671681
Trash in space is already becoming an issue on our planet. No need to muss Equestria's sector. Either toss her into the Sun, or, better yet: Create a magical containment field and generate about, well depending on how much energy they can contain, either an equivalent mass to the Karen (which, I'm just gona guess... 70-ish kg) or, about .005g (if they don't mind cleaning up a bit of mess after) of antimatter. The former results in complete annihilation of both, with an energy release of around 3007 megatons (12582124800000002048 Joules) So if Sunbutt and Moonbutt can contain it, that insures there's absolutely no trace left to taint anything :)
Or, the funnier option: Send her to said 'higher authority' except it's Discord.