When Isabel's hiking trip turns into a fight for survival in an unknown land, at first everyone is excited. But as hours turn to days, it becomes a desperate struggle for survival.
Chapters (10)
thesupernile
Joined 23rd Nov, 2023 ·
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I wonder if they'll try eating grass.
I liked this. You clearly put a lot of effort into thinking out the implications of suddenly becoming a different species, and how their previous skills as humans would interact with their new biology. I can't critique the finer points of your writing, but to the untrained eye like mine it seems pretty stylish. I don't know if this is your first story; if it is, it is exceptionally good work, but consider this a thumb's up from another beginner here on FIMfiction.
"Huddled together, furtive and vulnerable. Rats in a maze."
"The requirements of survival cannot be met on an empty stomach." Yet what if the food is incapable? The pegasi can probably eat fish as the oils and fats in them are needed for the extra calories burned from flying, but what about the others? Im going to guess that it will take time for others to find them, and by that point, they will have learned the skills needed for survival and have a camp set up to protect from the rain. But the true question will be what of their mind and their spirit. Will they become stalwart and vigorous within this hell that they have found them selfs in? Or will their mind fail them, becoming hopeless and fearful?
Pretty good so far, keep up the good work.
Hu wa that got a dark way too fast noooooo come one come back across the Styx boatman be damned why you must die now of all times. Morale will be shot dead and they will lose their hunger now.
RIP Phoebe.
Hunger, cold, and damp are a dangerous combination. Just add illness to complete the cocktail of lethality, and that usually comes soon enough.
Can we make a Telltale Heart. Friends are supposed to be able to live to tell their tale not die meaninglessly in this sprawling tomb.
Oh, the heart of the Everfree, huh? I'm having trouble working out what will kill them quicker; the environment or the wildlife.
Hopefully the group can be found before there is no one left to be rescued.
I wonder if Isabel is going to be the one to make it out.
RIP Oscar.
I do hoe that Isabel will be able to make it out alive.
Way to keep us hanging on a knife's edge with that ending.
Isabel is going to be devastated to learn that all of her friends are gone and she is the only survivor.
First of all, congratulations on completing your first story! That's a serious achievement right there on its own. I don't know if you had a story you wanted to tell from end to end, but whether it was all pre-planned or if parts came to you as you wrote, you saw it through to the end. Well done.
Your narrative carried me through to that end, which is all the more impressive considering this was a story about OCs which the audience doesn't have a pre-investment in. I don't find it easy to immerse myself in a fictional tale (fanfiction or not), but your world building, your close attention to the realistic implications of surviving in the wilderness, and your consideration of the physical implications of becoming a different species in the early chapters managed to hold my attention long enough that I was able to develop a stake in the outcome of the story. Going back to chapter 1, I realise that you established tension in the narrative before the characters even reached the pony universe (as they were already lost before the universe switch happened) which will have helped the reader get invested in your story. You established that this was a vulnerable group, which made the audience anxious for them as there was a genuine sense of danger from the get go. That is a major tool of the survival genre, the existence of genuine stakes, and you made full use of that. You also managed to differentiate your characters enough that I got to know them enough to want to see them come out the other side. It's telling that in chapter 8 I could already sense that a certain character was going to be the exception to the story's rule (phrased deliberately to avoid spoilers).
I'm not confident enough in my own writing to give you any negative, critical feedback, but I thought I could at least highlight what worked and what kept me invested in the story. Knowing what works is probably even more important than knowing what didn't, as you can take those lessons as a model into the future, and in any case, writing is one of those skills that tends to sharpen with practice. If you've got other stories planned, I'll be following.