Let_Us_Be_Tang
Joined 31st Dec, 2012 ·
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Interesting story, good premise, but the whole thing comes off as rushed and in dire need of a thourough editing. First would be to resolve the matter of perspective, is this meant to be first, second or third person? Then dialogue would be a good next step ("My name is Starswirl The Bearded." instead of "He explained who he was."). Be mindfull of run-on sentences, and lastly, there has got to be a better name for their future son! Stargate?!? Really?
Overall a good start, just needs some tweeking to really become a good short story.
1945947 what he said
Well interesting one but cute and a very interesting shipping as well with Colgate/Minuette and Star Swirl and that's some powerful magic instead he did just to go back and forth in time without changing the past just to see her but other than that I think this was a pretty nice one keep up the good work