Friendship is Card Games: Kenbucky Roller Derby #2 & #3 · 12:04pm April 21st
We return to the cutthroat world of G5 roller derby, where Sunny’s trying her darndest to prove she’s more than just a casual skater… and has assembled one of the most ragtag teams of misfits this side of the Mighty Ducks in the process. Let’s see how the story’s developed from there.
Issue #2
Yeah, it’s not looking good at the start. Oopsie Daisy is a danger to herself and others even when off roller skates and Sniffles appears to be allergic to existence itself. The most promising skaters are the pegasnails (each of which is mounted on a single skate) and they don’t exactly have a lot of mass for blocking or breaking through the blocks.
(Sunny also helpfully provides the rules to roller derby… which might have been better placed in the first issue. To summarize: Jammers start behind blockers, try to get past them, and score points for lapping them.)
Also, several members of the Slammers, the more professional team that rejected Sunny for not having any of the unstated prerequisite skills (as opposed to Misty, whose talents in that area raise several questions,) are watching this first practice run. Less scoping the competition and more indulging in schadenfreude.
And there’s certainly a lot to indulge in. Adding a beach ball to the mix for a passing game results in Oopsie, a possible descendant of Troubleshoes, to lose control, rocket around the track, break through the frame of one panel, and send Zipp flying when she tries to stop her.
Sunny is deeply disappointed in the results. Pipp reminds her that this isn’t going to be as simple as she envisioned it… but not before the Slammers poach her pony team members out from under her. Because apparently nopony noticed the three ponies pointing at laughing at them all throughout the practice (though, to be fair, there was a lot of other stuff taking up their attention.)
We get a brief history of the titular derby… but Tina Two-Bits isn’t exactly the most astute historian.
“It started around, I dunno, 53 to 115 years ago? Something like that. The earliest rollerponies lived in Kenbucky. They had just invented wheels and weren’t sure what to do with them.”
This narration is told over an image of ponies gathered around a fire pit, carving stone roller skates. I couldn’t make this up if I tried. The first track was discovered rather than made, and the first two derby teams jammed for “like, 438 or something days” before realizing the most holy Track “belonged to everypony who wanted to strap on skates and prove their worth.”
Given the Slammers’ treatment of Sunny, I am only now realizing that Tina may be making this up as she goes along. It’s also interesting to note that thousands of years ago, before the dawn of pony as we knew her, the tribes were in fact living in harmony. If nothing else, Sunny’s had a positive impact there on the Slammers’ mental image of equinity… though their startling degree of unity is more of a continuity flub than anything, given how they’ve apparently been jamming at the Kenbucky derby for years.
Sunny is similarly frustrated, popping out of the shrubbery to question every aspect of the story and is dismissed out of hoof; it would make sense to a real rollerpony. Unfortunately, this goads Sunny into challenging the Slammers at Kenbucky. As Zipp notes, this means “entering a team you don’t even have into a competition you can’t even win!?” (The “Et tu, Zippus?” raises some fascinating questions in its own right.)
Still, Sunny explains that she’s doing this because she refuses to let the Slammers to “tell us what we can and can’t do.” Which is a little rich coming from the mare who successfully rewrote the rules of engagement with the other tribes.
Zipp goes full tsundere, insisting that’s she’s only concerned about the safety of her friends and not wanting to see them get mashed into paste. And I’m here wondering who slipped her Hitch’s script.
Hitch, meanwhile, apparently found a bunch of whiteboards and dry erase markers in the penalty box, which allows the pegasnails to communicate with Zipp a la Wile E. Coyote (or perhaps Genma Saotome.)
The two-page argument concludes with a Gilligan cut of Zipp insisting she won’t apologize, promptly followed by her apologizing. And Sunny…
“I covered my hooves in competitive peanut butter and put them in my mouth!”
Seriously, the character voicing feels all over the place. I’d expect that kind of runaway metaphor from Izzy. Maybe it’s a case of their significant others rubbing of on them.
In any case, we have a team. Pipp’s managing, Izzy’s on the playbook, Hitch is handling equipment, and it’s Sunny, Zipp, and a bunch of pegasnails on the track.
It really says something when Sunny is outpacing Zipp in an athletic endeavor, though given the timeskip, this appears to be a matter of endurance.
Oh hey, there’s Tracy Tailspin, the coach Sunny and Pipp spent much of the first issue tracking down and recruiting. Who is only showing up on Page 14 of this issue. :applejackbemused: I suppose she did tell Sunny she’d need to put together a team first.
Also, Pipp suggests practicing to music, both as a way to encourage Sunny to relax a little in her coaching and as an excuse to sing. (And to show off the disco setting for the practice roller rink, which… actually kind of makes sense. Roller discos have been a thing.)
And three pages after Tracy showed up, she’s leaving again; taking a new team to Kenbucky would be suicide if Standards & Practices let her use the word. Sunny insists “It’s about standing up for ourselves and for any other creature who has been told they don’t belong.” Tracy refuses to watch the disaster unfold, but the rest of the team is with Sunny.
… And two pages after storming out, Tracy returns, complete with good-natured grumbling about how cliché “this whole awkward look-who-came-skating-back thing” is. This pacing isn’t exactly inspiring emotional investment. She does note that, if anything, she was downplaying the ruthlessness of Kenbucky—it’s what ended her career—but Sunny’s “doing this for the right reasons and… well, I wasn’t.”
But we don’t have time or space left in this issue to get into that; the last page is a splash panel of the upgraded practice space… which seems to amount to a Slammer dummy, a karaoke station, and a personalized towel for Sunny. Not exactly the most impactful note to end on. Good thing another issue came out this week.
Issue #3
Oof. And we have a mid-story artist switch. Natalie Haines to Kate Sherron is a rather jarring transition; the latter has a more simplistic style.
And Zipp’s gone from exhausted and wary of getting mashed into paste to “pushing ourselves to train harder, skate faster, be awesome-er than any pony before us!” when told to rest for the day… Ah, yes, we’ve also had a writer transition.
(Also, I do have to wonder about everypony’s actual jobs in all of this. Especially Hitch’s. The sole form of law enforcement in a town shouldn’t be able to casually take a sabbatical to pursue an athletic career.)
“I admire that fire, sugarhoof, but this isn’t a skate-ocracy.”
… Yeah, that wordplay just doesn’t work. Though it is funny to say that to a crown princess.
The lit-dynamite charm around Tracy’s neck comes up, which she describes as “just an albatross around my neck, reminding me of one of my deepest regrets in all my derby career, a dark day when I let down my teammates and left the skating spotlight atogether.”
Credit where it’s due, I could hear the intensifying white noise in that word balloon.
It also leads to a flashback of precisely how Tracy learned she’s a better coach than captain, one she asks to keep undocumented despite Pipp’s drama senses tingling. We get a look at her team back in the day… and all I can think when seeing Wyld Oats is that Death of the Endless had fun when picking what to do with her day as a mortal this time around. Also, I’m amazed “Foal Throttle” made it through editing, though I suppose it is hard for ponies to strangle anything.
In any case, after the previous captain passed the torch (and that dynamite charm) to Tracy, she was determined to follow the legacy of victory left for her, which meant digging through the supply closet for discarded plays… and never stopping to wonder if they’d been discarded for a reason. The loop-de-loop triple haymaker was incomprehensibly complex and led to a “skate-ality” during its first trial run. Thankfully, a broken leg isn’t as bad for a pony as a horse, but Tracy still tunnel-visioned on trying to be a perfect coordinator and ended up just blowing her whistle a lot and creating a pressure cooker full of injuries and broken skates. And, you know, not actually skating herself.
And even worse, on the day of the derby, she lost the dynamite necklace (a.k.a. the “spirit stick,”) the team’s lucky charm, and thus even misguided faith in her ability to lead. Eventually, she called the previous captain, Whinny Streak—along with introducing Pipp to the idea of phone cords, which raises questions about just how the ponies are experiencing this flashback—who explains that the play was designed with Tracy as part of it.
Cut to the day of the derby, with ponies in their Sunday best (read: fancy hats.) To the comic’s credit, it does appear to be all earth ponies in this pre-Starscout era, and we even get the names of multiple non-Maretime Bay settlements through the team names, like the Meadowbend Mayhem and Tracy’s own Dazzlebrook Dynamites. And, as a show of repentance for her earlier foolishness (and because literally everypony else on the team is injured,) Tracy raced against the Mayhem by herself.
This, unsurprisingly, resuleds in the Dynamites getting knocked out in the first round of the derby.
The good news is that Tracy did find the spirit stick… in the bottom of her skate bag. She desperately proclaimed Sugar3 (pronounced “Sugar Cubed”) the new captain, who rolled her eyes at the overly dramatic promotion. (“Take the burden of the spirit stick from my aching hooves. Lead them with dignity and courage where I failed.”) Sugar said it was a chance for a fresh start, and that Tracy should keep the silly little necklace since it meant that much to her.
After the flashback concludes, Pipp notes that Tracy’s Wikiponia page—personally, I prefer “Nickerpedia”—is mostly a list of her accomplishments, with the matter of her retirement a mere stub at the bottom. Her greatest shame may seem like a huge deal to her, but she is remembered for her triumphs and not the tragedy at the end.
And with that affirmation… the issue ends. Huh. I feel like this could’ve been slipped in earlier, but I suppose they did need to fully establish the stakes. Still spending the third issue on the backstory of a character introduced in the first is… a choice.
In all, this ends up feeling rather empty. It is the middle of a larger storyline, but a good chunk of the story seems dedicated to justifying its own existence and doing a poor job of it. The entire roller derby system still feels incompatible with G5 as we know it, as though wider Equestria had been handling itself quite well as the tribalist idiots glared at each other in their invisibubble. Heck, the third issue is basically an episode of My Little Pony Tales, complete with then-modern conveniences and a marked lack of pegasi and unicorns. I wasn’t expecting comparisons to G1.5, but here we are.
In any case, let’s see how I can spin these wheels.
Mass Collision WW
Instant
Spree (Choose one or more additional costs.)
+2 — Mass Collision deals damage to each attacking creature equal to the number of attacking creatures.
+2 — Mass Collision deals damage to each blocking creature equal to the number of blocking creatures.
Inspirational Playlist 1W
Enchantment
Constellation — Whenever Inspirational Playlist or another enchantment enters the battlefield under your control, put a +1/+1 counter on up to one target creature.
1W, Sacrifice Inspirational Playlist: Proliferate. (Choose any number of permanents and/or players, then give each another counter of each kind already there.)
Rinkside Repairpony 1W
Creature — Pony Artificer
Raid — When Rinkside Repairpony enters the battlefield, if you attacked this turn, return target artifact card from your graveyard to your hand.
“Hold still. Your skates won’t fix themselves.”
2/2
Inauspicious Omen 2W
Instant
Destroy target artifact or enchantment. Creatures can’t attack this turn.
Tracy had already been on the brink of panic. Losing the team’s lucky charm sent her plummeting off.
Master of Discretion 1U
Creature — Human Monk
Prowess (Whenever you cast a noncreature spell, this creature gets +1/+1 until end of turn.)
U: Until end of turn, Master of Discretion becomes a green Bear with base power and toughness 0/4 and gains hexproof. Activate only if you’ve cast a noncreature spell this turn. (Prowess bonuses still apply.)
2/1
Warped Legacy 1U
Instant
Counter target historic spell. (Artifacts, legendaries, and Sagas are historic.)
Uniting the tribes spurred interest in Equestria’s past, but it couldn’t make up for the damage centuries of indifference had done to the historical record.
Firsthoof Testimony 2U
Sorcery
Draw a card for each creature in your herd. (Your herd consists of up to one each of Bat, Pony, Pegasus, and Unicorn.)
After reuniting, the tribes found many problems had solutions waiting for them
Gripped by the Yips XU
Instant
Tap X target creatures. Those creatures lose all abilities until end of turn.
Even when no external impediment can hold you back, your own mind still can.
Warm the Benches 1B
Sorcery
Replicate B (When you cast this spell, copy it for each time you paid its replicate cost. You may choose new targets for the copies.)
Target player sacrifices a creature with the least power among creatures they control.
Fortunately, Sniffles preferred a position that kept her close to tissues.
Crawling Back 2B
Sorcery
Return target creature card from a graveyard to the battlefield under your control with a decayed counter on it. (It can’t block. When it attacks, sacrifice it at end of combat.)
The day after an argument is awkward enough without your jaw falling off.
Appointed Hour 2BB
Instant
This spell can’t be countered.
Target creature loses indestructible until end of turn. Destroy that creature.
“You got what everyone gets. You got a lifetime.”
—Death of the Endless
Sinister Senator 3B
Creature — Pegasus Advisor
Flying
When Sinister Senator enters the battlefield, destroy up to one target creature the monarch controls.
Forecast — 1B, Reveal Sinister Senator from your hand: Target opponent becomes the monarch. (Activate only during your upkeep and only once each turn.)
2/2
Rough Terrain 1R
Enchantment
Whenever an artifact creature or equipped creature attacks you or a planeswalker you control, Rough Terrain deals 2 damage to that creature.
Trekking through untamed wilderness in heavy armor is bad. Doing it as heavy armor is worse.
Dynamite Albatross 2R
Artifact Creature — Bird
Flying, menace
Dynamite Albatross can’t block.
When Dynamite Albatross dies, it deals X damage to target opponent, where X is the damage sources controlled by that player dealt to Dynamite Albatross this turn.
Some bad luck resolves itself quickly.
2/2
Stonespark, First Jammer 2R
Legendary Creature — Pony Warrior
Haste
Whenever Stonespark attacks, return target Equipment card from a graveyard to the battlefield under your control with a finality counter on it and attached to Stonespark. Sacrifice that Equipment at the beginning of your next end step. (If a permanent with a finality counter on it would be put into a graveyard from the battlefield, exile it instead.)
3/2
Slammer Havoc-Raiser 3RR
Creature — Pony Warrior
At the beginning of combat on each player’s turn, that player gains control of target creature until end of turn. Untap and goad that creature. It gains haste until end of turn. (You choose the target. Until your next turn, that creature attacks each combat if able and attacks a player other than you if able.)
3/3
Lost to the Ages G
Sorcery
Spree
+1 — Put target artifact on the bottom of its owner’s library.
+1 — Put target enchantment on the bottom of its owner’s library.
+1 — Put target face-up exiled card on the bottom of its owner’s library.
Roller Rink Shotcaller 2G
Creature — Pony Advisor
Each modified creature you control can’t be blocked by more than one creature. (Equipment, Auras you control, and counters are modifications.)
1G: Target creature blocks target modified creature you control this turn if able.
“Split ‘em up, knock ‘em down!”
2/2
Sheer Momentum 2GG
Instant
Until end of turn, target blocked creature gains trample and gets +2/+2 for each creature blocking it.
“Oopsie Daisy would be unstoppable if she could do that kind of thing when she actually wanted to.”
—Sunny Starscout
Surreal Auxiliary 3G
Creature — Pegasus Slug Warrior
Riot (This creature enters the battlefield with your choice of a +1/+1 counter or haste.)
Surreal Auxiliary enters the battlefield with a shield counter on it. (If it would be dealt damage or destroyed, remove a shield counter from it instead.)
Magic has reawakened dormant chaos.
3/2
Stone Skates 2
Artifact — Equipment
Equipped creature gets +2/+2, has vigilance, and attacks or blocks each combat if able.
Equip 2
The wheel was invented long before the brake.
Ancient Network 3
Artifact
As long as Ancient Network is untapped, tapped noncreature artifacts lose all abilities.
4: Tap target noncreature artifact.
Some creations build according to ancient principles of artifice can impose those principles on everything that came after.
Finding the First Track RG
Enchantment — Saga
(As this Saga enters and after your draw step, add a lore counter. Sacrifice after III.)
I — Creatures you control get +1/+0 and gain haste until end of turn.
II — Exile the top card of your library. This turn, you may play that card and you may play an additional land.
III — Target creature you control gets +2/+2 until end of turn. It fights up to one target creature you don’t control.
Smug Oversight 1UB
Enchantment
Flash
Whenever you cast a spell during another player’s turn, that player loses 1 life, you gain 1 life, and you surveil 1. (Look at the top card of your library. You may put that card into your graveyard.)
For Sunny, it was practice. For the Slammers, it was a circus.
One thing's for sure about these G5 comics. Whether part of the main numbered issues that seem (?) to be discontinued now, or as these miniseries, they just have no grips on proper story structure or pacing. Though that Tracy's story boils down to the same "friendship n' teamwork" schtick of not going it along in leadership along the lines of "Apple Family Reunion" doesn't help, when it dominates the whole third issue. It at least sticks with that, as opposed to the back-and-forth of issue 2.
…And we still don't have an answer as to how and why Misty is on the opposing team. Strikes me as an idea someone slipped in that the other writers and artists realise can't have a satisfactory answer and thus they feel it's better to just ignore and bury it as best they can. Honestly, if that's so, I can't fault that logic.
One has to wonder, at this stage, what kind of sales figures the comics are even having, with TYT's upload schedule getting more erratic, fewer newer toys arriving and the ones already out there getting marked down more and more. And also how much longer the comics are gonna putter along with 5-part miniseries. Until IDW doesn't renew the license, most probably, whenever that is.
She does seem to be the foremost ship for him.
See? You already had your excuse ready.
To be fair, this part works. If G4 is to be considered in the same continuity, we are firmly post-apocalypse.
Stupid Complicated Game Alert: Mass Collision is clearly meant for multiplayer, where dealing damage to all attacking and blocking creatures doesn't necessarily involve friendly fire.
Stupid Complicated Game Alert: Trample doesn't work when blocking. If your opponent blocks Dynamite Albatross, they'll take damage equal to the combined power of the two creatures that requires due to menace.
Stupid Complicated Game Alert: Slammer Havoc-Raiser is not optional. If you control it and there are no other creatures on the battlefield, your opponent can start combat with no creatures and then attack with it.
MaRo Get Your Gun Alert: I'm not saying they wouldn't print the last effect of Lost to the Ages, but Mark Rosewater would complain about it whenever it came up on his Tumblr.
I can find very little to say about these comics, as I neither know anything about rollerderby nor, um, find anything else interesting about them, but I have to post if only to note that this is your blog #1337, and the n1n3t13s 1nt3rn3t s4lut3s you.
I stopped reading the comics a while ago, but I really enjoy your recaps and commentary.
Huh... you know, I haven't read this comic and have zero interest in doing so (so I could be talking out of my arse here), but I could actually see an interesting story around a multi-race team pre-unification. Like, the group somehow coming together and wanting to compete and learn, but the non-earth ponies* having to hide their extra appendages to do so and not cause problems. Heck, you could even have a proper character arc of them having gotten subsumed in their competitive attitude and taking unification for granted now they've got it, but slowly remembering the reason they wanted to compete as a team in the first place.
Admittedly, I can't recall whether you said there were any unicorns and, well, I'm not really sure how you'd hide a horn without magic - maybe a really impressive afro and an insistance on an equally big helmet to preserve it, but that seems like it raises more questions than it answers - and it may not be the most original concept, but I think it could work.
Also, if I had to guess (again, haven't read it), the pacing issues might be because the story wasn't originally meant to span five issues, but the new format (?) forced some padding into it. Although a) I have no idea if or why these miniseries have to be five issues; and b) it sounds like the pacing issues massively pre-date this move so... I'unno!**
*If that's the right way to hyphenate it - I'm really not sure.
**There is no pony shrug emoticon and this annoys me probably more than it should. And sure, I could use a non-pony one, but that'd just feel wrong!