FUCK

You know how I said here (WARNING if you haven't read that one yet: there's suicide ideation, self-harm, and trauma discussed) that when I have breakdowns, when my body tries to make my life pause for a while, things get worse?

I... really wanted this to be the first and last time I did this. Even when I posted this I tried to downplay how much trouble I was in because I don't like doing this. I feel like a beggar, like a leech, and I just...

But I need to put the self-loathing aside. I can hate myself and tell myself what a waste of space I am later.

In my initial cry for help, I mentioned that a lot of things go through my Paypal. That's because I used to handle a lot of things through my one-and-only credit card instead. Which was fine... when I had a steady job. I started redirecting a lot of things toward my Paypal instead, what I could, to try to make payments on that easier on myself. So that I could, I reasoned, pay it down and then leave it down until things were more stable.

Given that my Paypal once got so fucked I got a collections letter, that clearly hasn't been working the way I wanted it to.

It was my credit card whose letter just arrived this time. I cough up over 400CAD to catch up on payments on it I've missed, or they might cancel it and ask for everything instead, at once. I'm sitting on 80CAD in savings this month, so either way it's money I don't have. I've put up another advertisement for commissions & editing, but I physically can't write that fast, even if enough people take me up on it and even if I weren't dealing with constant anxiety attacks over the situation.

All I can do... is this. Again.

This isn't about fun Rimworld times anymore. I'm scared.

The Ko-Fi goal was set to my expenses in general at the start of the month. I'm not asking for all that. Just... anything, anything at all... I'm grateful.

And if I've already asked too much... I don't blame you. You probably aren't calling me anything I haven't called myself.

I'll be trying to write today. Get some more output. I get to take writing Blueblood a spin with this latest commission, drawing on some comics characterization. It sounded like fun when it was pitched to me, and maybe I can shove the stress away for long enough that it stays fun, provides some escape.

Take care, everyone. And I'm sorry.