SSR: The New Neighbor · 10:43pm Apr 24th, 2013
You know that feeling which comes from getting to old stuff and finding out that it is quite shit and there was only nostalgia brightening up the memories, which has now been replaced by a fresh layer of "yep, this is quite shit," since you couldn't resist checking? And the only way to improve it is through immaturity, such as playing through Mario and, in your head, replacing every mention of the word "cake" or other reasons why one would desire Peach with something nasty.
On that note, here's The New Neighbor.
New SatN material? One can only guess.
So on today's episode of SSR, a piece of the almighty ZenithPosition, whose works I was over like a suckerfish since I was small. Not really, of course. I asked all my friends and none of them had ever heard of her either. That might have been due to that I don't regard people who like ponies as friends, but I've never let tiny fish like logic stop me and I'm not about to start. A brief look told me everything I needed to know anyway as he appears to be one of those people with a bad case of a certain tag sticking onto each of their stories. Yo dawg, if that tag isn't there to mark shit so you don't have to read it, why is it so conveniently brown?
So I went into this fic and read until the second comma. After that, I stopped and breathed thoroughly, repeating my meditation rituals. Y'know why? Because they and another of their sort were all three within the first sentence. Just perfect to start a fic, isn't it? Especially when it doesn't get any better later on either. So the story's about a dude coming home from Russia to an average American 'hood to discover the house next to his has been sold and renovated. There, was it that hard? Did you really have to spend four-hundred words to describe it?
It's okay though, if only because of HOLY FUCKING HORIZONTAL RULER BATMAN. Look, I know that those things tend to be rather invisible, but that's just overkill. So he unpacks, makes a bunch of perfect cookies in a minute, greets his new neighbor Twilight Sparkle, and gets invited inside for some... "cake". Also fucking horizontal ruler Batman again. Whoops, story over, reviewer can move on to the nasty bits. If you've been paying attention, you might have noticed that I've just summarised the entirety of this 1.7k story in two sentences, not really long ones at that. And if you aren't paying attention...
So, to, in the same manner, summarise my opinion of this story in but three words; "Too many words." If you're willing to allow me more, fill in as many obscenities as you can until you stop giggling like a schoolgirl when she sees her first dick. It's kind of embarassing, really, because this guy is something like my veteran writer bro! Not so much seeing as he's only in for six, or, more accurately, four months. However, if you're the kind of experienced that you get from being me, you will see that this guy is in no way been writing for no more than that long. A year, maybe, if he's always been taking as many dicks up his arse as he is now, maybe longer.
You know what I'm getting at? Usually, I pick on the weenies' stories and tell them that all of their problems are just lack of practice, but here, it's the inverted case! With a level like his, one would come to expect near perfection, but in truth, it is only moved onto another field. The language is nice and mostly correct, yes, if only because he's had two other people on it, but it appears that the work they did could have as easily been taken over by OpenOffice. Assuming that he only needs a spellchecker of course, because what else would you need, I mean, really. Yeah, I'm fantasising about a world in which writers have to have good English again, sorry.
The point is, the narration is so full, calling it overladen would cause that word to get onto her segway and drive her fat arse away because even a word as fat as she would be insulted by being compared to such a thing. You get what I'm saying? Your sentences are too long and you could cut about 50-70% of the narration and still have the same results! This chapter could be too short to submit to Fimfiction without any major meaning loss! That isn't an expert writer's wit, it's wasting everybody's time! Just in case you haven't noticed yet because you love repeating your points so often and long, too much narration is a real thing just as overhydration is!
Whew. And cut the commata, there's no need to ever employ that many. But with the type 2 writer's diabetes dealt with, the road's clear for praise, right?
If it was, this wouldn't be on bloody Shittiest's Special Reserve, would it?
See, the language issues were minor, but what truly bothered me was far bigger. Natural to think that. Look, we have an old guest! It's Mister Stu!
I was disappointed to find the fic ruled by he, really. From the name Rogers in the description, I would've expected a fic about Mister Rogers learni– wait. Okay, maybe just Mister Rogers hanging with ze ponies. Coming to think of it, that'd be a really great idea. I used to be all over that dude when I was young!
Not really, of course. I was five, not fucking American. Still, I can totally see that happening, and would even get right onto it if I didn't have open projects to finish. It would've even made sense that he returns from Russia, since ex-marine and all that.
No, says the man in Moscow, that idea belongs to everyone, so do it yourself. Instead, she feeds us with author-insertion OCs (can you even call them that if he didn't even bother to ponify?) which couldn't be any less obvious if they had a thirty foot tall advertisement sign on their forehead saying, "Please shove things up my arse, I'm an author-insert OC." That could serve, hell, I drove a novel and several rideoffs with the same idea. What one must not forget, however, is to also give your character flaws. Oh. That's always a bit of a stepping stone, isn't it.
You see, your character can be a fucking badass viking who uses his sundays to ride across Ponyville in his Langboot... with a two-foot mustache, if, to compensate for that, he is to emotional stability what Midnight is to, well, emotional stability. I welcome characters that escape the bland unity of expressing a singular character trait like any and all characters in MLP do, but you have to make him fucking balanced or he will only be known as That Dude Who Was Totally Overpowered In Every Situation Ever. Honestly, let's coin that phrase before anyone else can. As I was saying, if he's TDWWTOIESE, then people just won't enjoy him. What do people like? Characters with whom they can identify, who take and exaggerate their own struggles, who leave them having to take a walk after another six-hour reading session. Normal people, in other words. I dare you to show me one person, even yourself, you bloody self-belying bastard, who could honestly say that they feel akin to Mister Stu here.
But what do I even bang on about, it's not gonna influence anything and you certainly won't have much of my recommendation of this fic. (Just to be clear, there is no such thing.) The attentive reader may have seen that about two paragraphs ago, I mentioned my filled schedule and how that pretty much ties up all my efforts. Well bring the wine and sing hallelujah, because this person has found the cure for the problem. True, she does have an impressive count of 16 stories. (Relatively impressive, of course, when you consider the 24 which I bothered to upload here, half of which might not even be complete shit.) You know what would make them better? Exactly, if over 60% of them were actually unfinished proofs of concept, abandoned because they didn't meet his expectations in popularity.
(Put on a dismissive voice here, would you kindly?) Ooh, I'm sorry, did the mean readers not love you enough for crapping onto their computer screens? Well boo fucking hoo, an opened story is a promise to the readers and abandoning a story for such petty reasons, not to mention in such quantities, is nothing but a proof of how untrustable you are. Here's an idea: Before you keep spamming ideas onto Fimfiction and expect them to meet feature box, try actually finishing them for once and giving the audience what they deserve. Such an attitude would be fit for maybe a professional writer, who gets paid for his works and nothing else, and even then only when still in discussion with his editors. You started it, you better damn finish it.
Oh, you might say, but I AM a professional! No you're not. Try going onto a site with actual quality standards like EQD and don't come back whining if you do. Reminds me, I have to submit mine once some of my slaves could be kind enough to reread it in order to not force me to hire another editor who's going to do shit.
So in summary, is this fic good? No. Why? Heavily overdrawn narration, unbearably Stu protagonist, unrealistic dialogue. Some things just don't have a place, like fourth Wall-E referring to a link in the story, or your faffing about how awesome Russia is. Why did it have to be that, anyway? I hate Russia! They're directly below me (or a bit north of that, anyway), they look too good in fancy clothing, and they were part of the everlasting gangbang of Poland! Actually, fuck Poland. Yeah, Russia is a pretty cool guy who ain't afraid of anything, but still.
In total, wouldn't recommend even if continued, three stars.
Loves to write about normal ponies unwinding the fabric of reality.
Eclipse "Toraka" Sparkle
I could fill this space with words to blow minds and charm damsels, but to protest against overdrawn narration, this shall be cut short.
Banana cream.
