The Legend of Garrus Vakarian · 5:57am Jul 21st, 2013
I might as well start from the beginning for any of this to make sense. Now, I suppose most of you have played the Mass Effect series? Yes? Well... I want to let you in on a little secret: it was all my idea, and it was based on true events. How? Well, read on...
As you know, once upon a future there was a slightly over-the-top space action hero named Shepard... who happened to fall in the habit of saving the galaxy once and a while. He also had a habit sending me on suicide missions and saying 'I should go'. Then, when every idiot in the galaxy had convinced themselves the reapers weren't returning, take a guess as to what happened?
In the end, everything worked out decently well, but with one problem: Shepard was dead, and so were billions. Even with the very reapers who had killed so many mysteriously starting to help us rebuild, the damage was already done. And there was still a lingering threat over the horizon of both a creature named Leviathan and of the reapers turning on us once again...
You all know of this, don't you? But what you don't know is what happened afterward.
Tali'Zorah and I kind of got... close afterward, and one day, she decided to show me a secret project. With the help of the Geth and their collective memories of LEGION, she was able to build a complete copy of the Geth who helped save the galaxy: but something went horribly wrong. The power it took to create such a being overloaded a nearby fusion reactor. Normally, this would just cause a 'boom', a big boom, but a boom nonetheless... but something strange happened: a blackhole like entity formed, and before Tali and I (and LEGION II) could escape, we were sucked into it.
However, as you can see, I'm not dead, and neither are our two companions.
Our spaceship wound up half-way across the Milky Way, before crashing into Shepard's homeworld... years upon years into the past. It was then when we ran into two herb users who called themselves 'Jay and Silent Bob'. They were pretty stoked about meeting aliens but... we weren't really. However, I'll get to why we changed our opinion on time alterations later.
Unfortunately, what we failed to realize was that a debris storm from things sucked into the time vortex was about to fall. We were just on the way home to try this 'Bong' thing Jay assured us would calm our nerves, when his friend, Silent Bob was struck by shrapnel. He was killed that day, but at the very last moment, LEGION was able to access his brain (I'm not going to describe how, because it's nasty). Let's just say LEGION has him within his databanks, but it seems he is lying dormant.
Well... Jay wasn't too happy about any of this, but being a reasonable guy (or wanting to have alien friends), he decided to take us poor, stranded creatures in. Tali wasn't too happy about this, until Jay said that the Terrans of this century had an obsession with a cleaner called 'Oxyclean', which could kill almost any germs. That bought her over.
And LEGION: well, LEGION would probably follow us to hell and back. I think he just like having friends.
Eventually, I found out Bob had some sort of strange obsession: he liked colorful talking equines from a show called My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Now, I'm not really a fan of cartoons, but I know genius when I see it: and this is it. If only the people of my century could learn a thing or two about them... about love, tolerance, loyalty, trust, kindness, and magic (can Terrans of the past use this?), maybe things would have turned out different. Maybe a billion wouldn't have died...
*Sigh*
Well, anyway. If you're wondering why I'm pretty much changing history by doing this... you'll figure it out anyway. For now, I think I'm going to try to get into the mind of these ponies. To think like them. To act like them. And to do that I'll be doing what Bob did for a long while: write fanfictions. I figure it'll help pass the time until cryofreezing is finally invented, too.
Tali, anything you want to type?
thes keybgoards are nkot nmeant fkor quiarianjs.
We'll figure something out. How about you, LEGION?
This Unit does not understand the purpose of pony worship, nor the act of 'clopping' to them. Further research needed as to exactly what this means, though.
I hope he doesn't do the research. Even a Geth could be scarred for life by what you'd find on that nutty /mlp/ board.
Anyway,
With Due Regards,
- Garrus Vakarian
P.S. Rainbow Dash is probably my favorite pony. I'm not sure exactly why, but her brashness reminds me of myself during my Omega days. There, it was do or die, and that's exactly what she does. Her vibrant colors aren't really happening with camouflage, though. And with all the enemies her and her friends seem to make, she really needs to invest in some home security. I'd recommend trip-mines, or trip-exploding pies. Whatever they have in Equestria. Or a crossbow.
Loaded.
Wait, that'd probably fall through her floor...
... Cloud Crossbow?
Mmmm...
I'll think about it later.
1224192
I agree with Mr. Cheese... Go home, Bob, you're drunk.
1224192
I'm afraid I was serious about the whole 'he's dead', part. Unless he secretly has schizophrenic hallucinations and multiple personality disorder at the same time.
Mmmm... on retrospect, that actually makes more sense than what happened to us.
I accept this change.
... ok.
You do realize it's highly probably you aren't on the Earth of your universe, Garrus?