Sunset Shimmer - Prologue 1 · 5:53pm Nov 22nd, 2013
So, a couple of days ago Comes the Sunset got rejected from Twilight's Library. I found this out this morning when I was waiting for the bus. The reasons given were thus:
Comes the Sunset
Read: 2 chapters. ~11.5k words
Rating: Against
Why:
I know that the prequel of this is in the Library, but, eh...
I really, really hate stories where the villain is really, really flat and boring. That's the main reason I've hated (Sunset Shimmer in) Equestira Girls. And this story doesn't give her much more depth, either. They're pretty much both "I'm evil because MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Sure; she has a moment on her parents' grave, but after this passes, she just goes back to MWAHAHAHAH!-ing.
I get it. We all get it. Sunset is evil. But for the sake of Twilight, give her depth, and do so in the beginning, not at chapter 327 and then go "Ah, she wasn't evil. She was just misunderstood."
Also; the first chapter didn't serve any purpose, really. It was just listing a few characters that may or may not be relevant in the future. I would say that first chapter was for foreshadowing or exposition, but... Not really.
Grammar is pretty meh as well.
~Twi
Now my normal response to criticism is surliness, and I would be lying if I said there hadn't been any of that, but at the same time never let it be said that I am too small a man to own to my own mistakes. Sunset is a bit flat, especially by comparison with Breaking Dawn in nullVengeance and that is my fault rather than my choice.
So what am I going to do about this? While I can see the point about chapter 1, I do kinda like it so I'm loathe to just get rid of it at the moment. The grammar thing... will be sorted at some point, probably after I've dragged myself kicking and screaming to do it. But for now I'm going to focus on deepening Sunset Shimmer a bit. Now altering the first couple of chapters will take some thought to prevent subsequent chapters being rendered nonsense, but I did think that a prologue would be a simple way to introduce Sunset as something more than an evil overlord. I have three ideas, but since I can't very well post three prologues I thought I'd post them here first for the opinion of my regular readers and get opinions on them. Which is the best? Are any of them any good? Are they even necessary?
So without further ado, here is the first possible introduce-sunset-shimmer prologue, the other two will follow in subsequent blog posts as they are written:
Sunset Shimmer writhed upon the rack, as the hooded grundle in his blood-stained robes turned the screws over and over. There were no questions. She had no secrets to reveal to them. The only purpose of this exercise was to hear her scream.
If they think I'll give them the satisfaction they can think again.
Sunset gritted her teeth against the pain as the wheels kept turning, the grips upon her legs kept tightening, the points kept digging into her flesh, deeper and deeper like metal worms burrowing inside her oh sweet Celestia it hurt!
"Stretch her further," the king commanded. Sunset could not see the fat oaf, only hear his voice, so mild as it ordered her back to be broken and her limbs wrenched from their sockets.
The rack moved with a creak, Sunset's back cracked and she had to bite her own tongue to keep from crying out in agony. Blood filled her mouth and began to dribble down her chin.
The king's torture chamber was located deep within the bowels of his palace, only a single casement high near the ceiling to let in a sliver of the moonlight. The rest of the light was given by torches, casting the sandstone walls in hues of red and orange, and by the braziers which would serve to heat the pokers should they decide to use them upon her.
"She's a tough one, m'lord," the king's torturer muttered.
"Try a lick of flame on her," the king commanded, his voice without emotion.
Sunset forced herself to laugh, and then to speak, her voice distorted by her bleeding tongue, "Fire? I am fire you filthy little goblin. You whipped me and I did not break. You've racked and I have not broken. I am Sunset Shimmer and you will not hear me beg."
"We'll see about that," the king said, perfectly serene.
The torturer pulled a red hot iron from one of the burning braziers, and thrust it into the soft underpart of Sunset's hoof.
Sunset moaned, kicking and bucking as pain writhed up her leg like a serpent's poison, but she did not scream. Casca, why did you do this to me?
"Do it again," the king ordered. "This time, burn both hooves."
This time both her hind legs exploded in agony, chafing at the cutting bonds which held them in place for the fire. And Sunset screamed.
The door to the torture chamber exploded in a shower of sparks. Flash Sentry was the first pony into the room, her Flash, her handsome coltfriend with his wings spread out and his armour gleaming. Then Trixie, her friend, her pal. And then Princess Celestia strode into the room, her face a mask of anger. The grundle king and his lackey recoiled in terror, and Flash and Trixie killed them both without a second's hesitation.
"Sunset," Celestia's voice was soft, ethereal. "My poor student. I am so sorry I let this happen to you. I have been a terrible teacher, and I ask your forgiveness."
Flash Sentry used his wings to slice through Sunset's metal bonds.
"You came looking for me," Sunset croaked, a small smile spreading across her dry, cracked lips.
"The Great and Powerful Trixie would never abandon a friend in need!"
"We've got you now, Sunny," Flash murmured, picking her up in his forehooves while he used his wings to stabilise himself. "I've got you. Let's go home."
Water sloshed across Sunset Shimmer's face, waking her to a world in which there was no Flash Sentry, no Trixie, no Princess Celestia. Just the fire and the blood and the instruments of pain.
I must have passed out for a moment there. Shame it couldn't have lasted longer.
At last the king entered Sunset's field of vision. He was no Princess Celestia that was for sure. Fat, grossly so, with eight chins and crumbs and fat sticking to every one of them, his robes of royal blue bulged about his corpulent frame. His eyes were small and piggy, and narrowed as they stared at Sunset.
"I am very disappointed in you, Sunset Shimmer. All my plans for you, all that you had accomplished for Grundleland, all that you had earned. And you had to throw it away, spurn my generosity, spit upon me! Treason! Why? What could have possessed you?"
Sunset Shimmer struggled to raise her head off the torture table. They had shaved off her beautiful mane, all of it. They had cut off her tail and filed down her horn to a stump. She was less than a pony now, denied either unicorn magic or the strength of an earth pony.
The only thing they had not taken, could not take unless she let them, was her pride, so Sunset slowly, tremblingly raised her head and spat her blood into the face of the bloat king, "Do you really think that all I wanted from life was to stand at the right hoof of a fat, greedy, incompetent fool like you? That I would forever be your servant, let you pat me on the head and feed me rewards like a dog? I did this because I deserve to rule this country more than you ever will."
The king backhanded her across the face, "Insolent cur! I gave you a chance when no one else would. I raised you up, you ungrateful mongrel, though everyone told me that a foreigner such as you would never be worth anything. I would have given you anything."
"Anything that is given can be taken away," Sunset Shimmer said. "If you wish to truly own possess something then you must take it. Tell me, what did you give Casca for betraying me?"
"All of your lands and titles, command of your army," the King replied.
"You see? All the gifts you gave me, now you give to Casca. In time you'll time you'll give them to another still and Casca will have my seat I do not doubt," Sunset laughed bitterly. "At least I hope so."
The king of the grundles sneered at her, then turned away.
"I took Doldrey for you," Sunset Shimmer murmured. "With a thousand warriors, though everyone said it would take a hundred times that number. I stopped the advance of Hydia. I saved your kingdom. Has that not earned me a merciful execution?"
The king paused, "No. Leave her awhile and then return when her pain has died down." He left, his torturer following. Sunset Shimmer heard their footsteps echoing down the corridor.
Alone, trapped in a body twisted and broken, Sunset Shimmer began to cry.
"Do you want to live?" asked a voice, a young colt's voice by the sound of it, that seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere at the same time.
"Huh? Who is this?"
"It's a simple question, do you want to live?"
"What kind of question is that to ask me at a time like this? Is this some kind of torture? I thought I was getting a break?"
"I'm not trying to torture you. In fact I want to help you if you'll let me. Do you want to live?"
"Yes," sobbed Sunset Shimmer. "Yes, yes I want to live. I don't want to die. I don't want to end up like them. I want my horn back, I want my magic back. I want to be able to walk out of here I want all of it. But most of all I want to stay alive so badly that I'd give anything just to hand on to one more minute of miserable existence." Sunset Shimmer was crying tears of blood. "I don't want to die."
"You would give anything? And everything?"
"Anything, and everything."
"Then we have a contract, Sunset Shimmer," the young voice said, and the room began to fill with light so bright it blinded her.
Laughter filled Sunset's ears. Laughter, nothing but laughter.
I'll reserve my opinion until I see all three of them. But, if you need a pre-reader, I'd be more than happy to help.
The misspell aside, this sentence does not sit well with me. It seems forced out, not out of desperation, but out of plot convenience. Srry if that sounds mean, but it still does not sit well for me.
1529650
That's very kind of you. I might just take you up on that, though I've no idea how it works (you do, since you have two pre-readers yourself).
1529672
You're right, now that I look again. I'd probably redraft before posting them to the story proper.
Prologue number two is up.
1530011 It's simple if you have Google docs.
1530320
I just got it solely for this purpose. So do I link you to the google doc and then you comment or something? Oh, I suppose I'll need your google account to share the file with you.
1531918 Make sure the share settings are set up right (viewers can comment) and then just PM me the link and I should be able to take it from there.
1532727
I'll get on that tomorrow. In the meantime, prologue number 3 is up.