Site Post » Important News Regarding Reviews · 3:38pm Apr 1st, 2014
Good day, folks! Pav Feira here with some important information regarding what is undoubtedly FIMFiction.net’s all-time favorite bunch of people, Seattle’s Angels.
From the beginning, this group has set out with the very well-intentioned idea of providing reviews for underappreciated stories, promoting them in the process, and giving them another chance at the spotlight they were so wrongly robbed of. However, while we may have been successfully accomplishing this mission in the past, it hasn’t been without trouble. Reviewers have gone missing in action, there have been delays resulting in reviews not getting out in a timely manner, and there’s just been all around faffery. This sets the wrong impression of not only the group and the reviewers themselves, but it also shows that we perhaps don’t know what we’re talking about when it comes to these stories. That somehow, all the stories we’ve reviewed in the past simply don’t deserve to get spotlighted. That they’re trash just like the rest of the stories on this website.
In light of this, there has been some discussion about the group. Seattle_Lite, Wanderer D, knighty, and myself all got together to talk about what sort of changes could be made to make the group perform better. We’ve taken the words of the community that have appeared over the past year or so this group has been around, and we’ve come to an agreement. Please note the list of changes below.
• Effective immediately, all of the current reviewers of the group have been removed from their administrator positions, and for all our sakes, will be barred from being featured in the future. Suitable replacements have already been made and more will be sure to come. If you’re interested in becoming a reviewer for the group, please do check out this thread to submit your resumay.
• To distance ourselves as far as possible from the past, tainted reputation of the group, it has been renamed to Portland’s Pride and over the next week, more cosmetic changes and overall tweaks will be made.
• In an effort to make the group more fair to all users, so that all users have an equal chance of getting their stories featured, we’re opening up a new thread for self-promotions. However, in lieu of an inevitable landslide of stories for our members to review, we instead ask that you review your stories yourselves and post them in the designated thread. We will take everything we can and then they will be added to a compilation post in the next available round. Also, we’ve lifted the restrictions on story views and other other similar, arbitrary rules in order to achieve complete and total fairness.
• Let’s admit it: Nobody liked those introductions and outroductions. All they served for was pretentious circlejerking between the old reviewers and they were skipped by all the reader’s anyways. So we’re getting rid of them.
• The word “review” itself has a bit of a negative connotation associated with it. To combat this, we’re now calling these reviews, “sophisticated, articulate thoughts.”
To give you all a taste of how things will work for now on, please welcome our two new establishing members, ambion and Plebeian! They have each been kind enough to provide sophisticated, articulate thoughts of their own stories for this week. Without any further eidu, Portland’s Pride is proud to present:
Sophisticated, Articulate Thoughts: 1st Round Edition!
This has been a rather interesting couple of weeks for the group, but I’m happy to test the waters with our new leeway. Sometimes, those budding authors need to get themselves out there. Let’s be fair, it’s pretty hard for us to help people to find them if people have to find them for us to help them so people can find them.
Wow.
So without further ado, let’s have some sophisticated articulate thoughts!
Pinkie Pie is faced with a daunting order of twenty-two batches of cupcakes, a twitching tail, and the barriers of common logic. Luckily, Twilight Sparkle comes to her rescue, and together, they defeat all three in one fell swoop. The result is an entirely reasonable and logical progression. There is only one Batch. Batch-22.
Written with sincere apologies to Joseph Heller.
The key to enjoying Batch-22 is a love for nonsense.
No really, that’s about all it has going for it. Adding any serious themes to the story would just be silly. After all, satire shouldn’t have a point.
The combination of Pinkie’s raving paranoia and unbreakable resolve keeps the story flying forward like a deadly cannonball, while Twilight’s trappings of logic serve as a wooden wall to inevitably be crashed apart in a splintery mess. Of course, it totally means nothing in the end, and shouldn’t be taken as anything more than the literal.
The fact that the subject is constantly changing really helped distract me from the fact that the story had no conceivable purpose. It’s all the fun of alternating chase cams in action movies, without any of the action, the chasing, or the fun. I clapped a few times at how cleverly the character focus would change right before somebody got hurt. It was like a slow clap, except it never sped up.
The humor is slapstick, which is really the only Pinkie Pie humor anyone seems to think is valid. Delivery is spot-on, since Pinkie is never the one to get hurt, while everything else around her does – something that certainly doesn’t relate to reality. After all, what sense would it make to relate the absurd to the real?
But I digress! What really made this story stand out was the ending. I don’t want to give too much away, but I will tell you that I haven’t a doubt in my heart that it won’t fail to disappoint you. Read it and laugh (weep, scoff, shrug).
As strokes find their way onto a canvas, a meeting of color creates a bright spark, a wonderful consuming flame.
The first reaction everyone seems to have to this fic is ‘wow.’
What that ‘wow’ is followed by is of no consequence, I promise you. It’s always some sort of compliment, whether the giver realizes it or not. For instance, a common response is, ‘Wow, this is purple,’ after which I say, ‘Yes, it most certainly is! Don’t I like it?!”
Because writing with dialogue was too mainstream, the author has removed all sense of dialogue and moving time. Why? Probably no reason. I’d bet it was a joke or something. Now that I think about it, it makes it feel like some sort of abstract slideshow, except without any of those graphs everybody loves. Regardless, it certainly helps with the pacing, because 50,000 words for a simple love story was just going way too fast for me. I like the part where – wait, nothing’s moving; what’s going on here?
What I really liked about the story was how there’s only conflict through the first and last chapters, and the rest are like some sort of reader’s purgatory. It gives a sense of accomplishment at the end of the story, similar to pushing a boulder up a hill fifty times. While it’s certainly a charming little structure, I think a lot of readers would prefer if the author just told them what was going on. I mean, what’s the point of a conflict if the author isn’t deliberately drawing attention to it?
For those of you risky readers out there, you’ll be pleased to hear that Wayfarer may probably have a possibility of approaching the world record for longest-winded purple prose, weighing in at a literally breathtaking 50,000 words! Watch in awe as the author narrates things that probably have no real symbolism or relevance to the overall outcome of the story whatsoever! Be amazed as conflicts are built up at hundreds of words at a time only to be crushed in the first third of the story, leaving the reader wondering what the hell happened, and why the story lasts for another 34,000 words afterward!
And it’s all worth it for the wonderful tear-jerking end that you all signed up for. You’ll get your happy little sadness fix, no strings or alternate themes attached. In fact, for those of you faster readers, I’ve found the chapters that can be read for the same amount of sadness effect at the end. For those of you without the time to trudge through prose, just read chapters 1, 13, 15, 16, 30, 35, 40, 41, and 43.
After all, it’s not the journey that matters, it’s the ending.
Gosh, this is exciting. I don’t think I’ve ever been featured on a site post! And I’ll be honest: I never paid much attention to Seattle’s Angels before, but Portland’s Pride sounds like loads of fun to me. I’m sure these are just the first of the sophisticated, articulate thoughts I’m going to put forward!
Let’s go!
Twilight's caught a special type of flu, and it's up to none other than Princess Celestia to nurse her through it. A special, tender little moment follows in this most unexpected of circumstances.
You look at the cover and description of a story like this and your first thought is bound to be either “Wowza, that’s cute! This fic is going to pluck my d’awstrings, no doubt.” or “Oh, another cutesy fic? Whatever. Toss it on the pile and I’ll pick my diabetes up later if I feel like it.”
Well, guess what? There’s a heck of a lot more to this story than meets the eye. The eye that sees the title page. The other eye—the one that goes and reads the story—gets an eyeful! Of great stuff!
There’s cuteness to be had, no doubt about that, but this story really shines by eschewing the easy and average paths you’ll often see authors take towards the idea of a “cute story”. This is a story backed by powerful characters in a very unique-feeling situation—this is not some lazy, hacked-together grab at your emotions. This is a very well-crafted grab at your emotions.
Being such a short fic, it’s difficult to say much more about Melt without spoiling the fun of the situation itself, so I think I’ll leave off there. This is a story not for people that just want heartcandy, and this is not a story for people that aren’t out for something adorable because they think it wouldn’t be intellectual enough.
This is a story for people who theel with their heartbrains.
When you fear the cure worse than the affliction, how can you ever hope to recover? For Berry Punch, there's never been an easy answer.
And when she is forced to confront consequences worse than any she could have imagined, it's just going to get harder.
With only her newfound desperation to drive her forwards, Berry Punch throws herself into what might truly be her last living attempt at recovery.
Let me be real with you for a second, FiMFiction: there were tears the first time I read this story. It’s a moving little tale that seeks to present our favorite drunkard, Berry Punch, as just that. A drunkard. A failure. A person laid low by an addiction that’s dogged her for so long that she can’t imagine ever being free from it.
And what happens when that person’s shining little ray of hope dims just a bit closer towards the black void that is her own self and future.
Whoa.
Powerful stuff, right?
On top of Punchy, Pinchy and special guest Purpley (one Twilight Sparkle), also appearing in this story is Other Purpley. That’s right, none other than Spike the dragon, and he gives a performance in this fic that you won’t want to miss. It’s a surprise to see him in the first place, but he brings the themes of control, struggling with oneself and so much more right home with some intense characterization.
In fact, let’s go with that word.
Intense.
This story has an intensity to it that will leave you breathless, and likely no small amount of thirsty. You owe it to yourself; read it as soon as possible.
And there you have it! We hope you guys enjoyed this new format we’re experimenting with and we look forward to a new, bright future of sophisticated, articulate thoughts and prosperity. See y’all around, and don’t forget to go join Portland’s Pride!
Oh darn, well I thought for sure real things were happening until I saw what day it was today and realized that Knighty totally sold fimfiction to facebook.
Heh, faffery. What a great word.
In all honesty, though, I hope Wayfarer gets more views. I freaking love that story.
Also, the Pride of Portland group account has such a pretty avatar. I'm envious.
*facepalms* for the love of peat people...come on...
tl;dr
1972832
What ever video that is, I can't watch it.
Apparently its not available in Canada.
1972872 Wait, knighty really sold fimfiction to facebook?
And thus, Wanderer D continued to be best admin.
1972937
Yes, knighty actually sold FIMFiction to Facebook. The changes will be coming in about a month or so once they and Xarq have consolidated the database and started modifying the site code.
Wait, wait wait! Seattle_Lite actually played a role in this?! I didn't think he even showed up to work anymore. Oh well, since the group's no longer named after him, I guess he's out of a job anyway.
"Sophisticated, articulate thought?" What the heck, guys? I can't even begin to tell you how offended I am at your careless choice of words--but I will nonetheless tell you how offended I am anyway.
What about those among us on the site who are unable to string together coherant and/or articulate thoughts? These people form a majority of fimfitcion's userbase, for goodness sakes! I elect myself supreme leader of all these poor, oppressed pone-citizens so I can say Shame On You. Shame On You All.
~Skeeter The Lurker
Don't you all just love April 1st?
Suddenly, there was only ambion. And the rest of Fimfiction said:
"Who?"
Due to the nature of today, I'm not sure if this has April Fool's elements in it.
1973048 >:| Dammit...
Never mind. Except for maybe the reviews, this is an AFD joke post.
Resumay? D, c'mon.
Also, you're cleverer than this. Surely you can pull off a better, less obvious prank.
1973137 i must joyn dis club
jmojuxqcrt78hqimo1hiuncgrkl;'a;d
1973260 u can bei vise precidentalfloss.
lkjkjfjjllllseidkshaaljalskdfjeeelz.
1973255 I didn't write this. I NEVER write stuff for Reviews posts unless I specifically claim it.
Uh, wow. Kids, this is what happens when you drink an entire appletini, rather than cutting yourself off at half-an-appletini.
Still, blackout-durnk-Pav had the wherewithal to make Sweetie the mascot of Portland's Pride, so I can't really have any regrets.
1973137 on a totally unrelated note, Skeeter, are you aware that you're a Cards Against Humanity card in the FimFic edition?
1973324 I'm a lot of things--chief among them flattered! Now everyone will be able to play me just like they play me in real life!
~Skeeter The Lurker
Kewl beans.
1973338
And now I feel bad for using you on a grandma joke black card...
1973200
I know. It's the end of the world, bub.
Happy prank day everyone.
1973255
1973274
Hello I am Pav Feira, one of the reviewers of the now-defunct review group Seattle's Angels. In general, D is correct, that our group finds the stories and writes the reviews, and D merely makes the sitepost and coordinates administrative affairs.
However, today's post was entirely D's fault. Blame D.
Also, considering today is still APD, I'd just like to say that D is a very ugly man and I never fantasize about him at night.
1973137
Dat unsophistication.
1973159
The schtick of posting fake articles and announcements has worn very thin; every fracking website does it, and it's gone from being amusing to just annoying. People screw with each other enough as it is; why do we need a special day to encourage it?
No. No I do not.
They are trash just like the rest of the stories on this website.
1973480
Because the system is run by dem trolls in the high chairs. And not the baby ones either; I am talking to the ceiling kind of height.
It's one day. Light a few fires in the fireplace, get a mug of whatever brew you down, and watch the world throw water balloons. Or, petition to have the day removed.
1973274
Heehee, good one WD.
That was a lot of words for a joke that didn't even start out funny.
I don't think a prank can work when it's too damn long to read through...
Eh, Portland is way better than Seattle anyway.
Finally. I've been yelling for this to happen for at least ten seconds!
Coming up next: the return of NSFW posts!
1973590 I think knighty should post an aristocrats joke
You know how all jokes have a grain of truth? Well, if you don't, I have some bad news.
1972906 When I first glanced at it, I almost thought it was you with a renamed profile.
1973480 Be thankful you weren't here last year apparently :They decided to fake Knightly resigning, the introduction of premium accounts and the banning of human fics. Since they kept claiming it wasn't an April fools joke, a shitstorm started.
1974180 Well go complain to Pen Stroke, then!
1974213 You do realize he's a mod now, right?
1974228
That's true.
But hey, just roll with the Internet being stupid. It's just for a day.
EqD's doing its "30 years in the future" posts, Jesse Cox's new channel icon is the Disney castle, Pornhub has released iWank, "where you don't need to use your hands to get off!", YouTube has revealed that they actually came up with all video memes and formulated them so that they would all go viral and have revealed their memes for this year Deviantart has released ThoughtArt, which allows users to create and post art using their mind. Tumblr has released Tumblr Pro. Go pro today!z
So, just roll with it.
1974204
I don't generally come to blog posts looking for something that nearly qualifies for one-shot status. I was also quite clearly commenting on the fact that a joke doesn't work when it's three pages long and the premise is only chuckleworthy to begin with. But please -- don't let little things like the blatantly obvious get in the way of mindlessly stroking that e-penis of yours to the point you'd have preferred me to be making.
Congratulations on proving your own assertion -- however much you may have intended it as a joke (such irony) -- about reading being hard, though.
1973941
Preposterous. Who has ever heard of writers with fragile egos, or a penchant for self-deprecation?
More fics featuring Spike and stories that are simple and lowbrow enough for me to fully comprehend? Portland Pride FTW!!
*checks date*
Aw, shoot, that's a letdown…
1974180 I disagree. I happen to think all the ones I did last year and the year before were beyond awesome. More like... legendary.
This year though, since I'm not doing anything, I can't comment on the quality of the AF jokes.