Pinkie Pie vs. The Script--OR--How I Learned Characterization · 12:18am Oct 28th, 2014
It was a beautiful day in Ponyville. Pinkie Pie bounce merrily along on her way to library. She hummed a tune—
“Here we go again,” Pinkie sighed.
...
The sky was blue, and all the grass was green. The sun was as warm as—
Pinkie Pie stopped dead in her tracks. “A weather report? Fucking seriously?”
Okay, what’s happening? I didn’t want you to stop yet. And who are you even talking to? I haven’t introduced any other characters.
“Then who do you think I’m talking to?”
I don’t know. Twilight isn’t here yet. In fact, you haven’t even seen the library yet. It’s almost like—wait, why am I talking to you?
“Because I’m talking to you.”
How does that even...? And you’ve even taken actions!
Pinkie turned in a circle, looking around and eventually shrugging. “Hell if I know, bub. I just wanted to know what you had in store for me today.”
Well, it’s going to be a one-shot. You’re going to go to the library and catch Twilight in a compromising position—
“Let me stop you right there and say fuck you, asshole!”
Hey, fuck you too!
“And that is exactly the maturity I expected,” Pinkie said. She rubbed her temple and sighed. “You didn’t even catch that typo in the first paragraph, did you?”
There’s no typo in the first paragraph.
“Yeah there is.” Pinkie scrolled up the screen to double check herself. “Second sentence. ‘Pinkie Pie bounce merrily along.’ Nice subject/verb agreement.”
Huh. Okay, let me fix that—
“Hey, get back here!”
What?
“Why are you making me fuck Twilight?”
I’m not making you fuck Twilight.
Pinkie blinked. “Really? But you said I’m going to catch her in a compromising position.”
Well, yeah. With a stallion. He’s going to be embarrassed and leave, and then you and Twilight will have a heart-to-heart.
“Huh. Alrighty, then!” Pinkie Pie hopped along, back on her way to the library. She looked up to the sky. “Sorry about earlier. I just get a little gun shy sometimes.”
It’s cool. You had a point; the opening was pretty generic. I’m just winging it for now, and I’ll go back and flesh it out a bit when I’m finished.
“Ooh, nice semicolon! So you’re winging it, huh? Who’s the lucky stallion?”
You know, I haven’t even decided yet. Ah, it’s not really that important. The drama is with you and Twilight.
“Aaaaand I stop again,” Pinkie sighed as she stopped. “My ass it’s not important. What, are you turning Twilight into a slut? She’ll sleep with anyone? Come on, we just had such a breakthrough in my not thinking you’re just some neckbeard.”
Hey, I shaved last week!
Pinkie slapped a hoof across her muzzle. “What an achievement. Look, you need to think about these things. What kind of drama is there going to be between me and Twilight? Why would there be drama? Do I like the stallion too?”
N-no, you’re just surprised at her.
“Why?”
What do you mean why?
“I mean why? Why would I be surprised? Or upset? Why wouldn’t I be happy she found somepony?” Pinkie shook her head. “It’s bad enough you’re whoring out Twilight, but—“
I’m not whoring her out!
“She’s fucking a stallion right now and you don’t even know who he is. Right next to the front door, apparently.”
They’re in the bedroom, thank you very much.
“So I just break into my friends’ bedrooms willy-nilly? You think I’m that disrespectful?”
Yeah. You’ve thrown my entire story off the rails to bitch at me like the bitch you are.
“Oooooh,” Pinkie said, waving her forelegs in front of her body. “We’ve got a badass over here! Why don’t you come down here and say that to my face?"
...Pardon?
“You heard me, bitchfist! You got nothin’! Go ahead and self-insert; this story isn’t going anywhere anyway. Yeah, I can do semicolons too!”
You want a piece of me? Fine. Here I come!
The ground shook with the footsteps of Pinkie’s approaching foe. He stood ten feet tall, clad in golden armor from head to foot. A dramatic crimson cape flowed from his shoulders. He wielding an enormous double-sided battleaxe with only one hand, and his other crackled with power as bolts of lightning built around his fingertips.
He stopped and looked around. “Where the hell is she?”
Yoo-hoo!
He looked around again. “The fuck?!”
The axe slipped from his hand, crushing his foot.
“Ow!"
You want some more? You’re wearing a bunch of metal. I’d hate to see what that lightning can do...
“Stop! Stop! What do you want?”
You’re attention. Do I have it?
“Yes!”
What was that? I couldn’t hear you over the sound of that voice down the hall. You don’t live with your parents, do you?
“Lies! Lies and slander!”
Whatever you say. Anyway—holy shit, is that a Playstation 2? You still have a Playstation 2 hooked up? You are a fucking neckbeard.
“I do not have a Playstation 2 hooked up!”
Sure. And what is this lovely little tab on your browser? Derpibooru, huh? Oh WOW! No wonder you’re whoring Twilight out!
“That’s not what it is and you know it! I was just browsing for some coverart!”
And you still haven’t caught on yet, have you?
“I... what?”
I’m making this shit up as I go. I’m winging it. And it’s all making you sound like some pathetic sad-sack loser with no life.
“I do so have a life! I’ve got a job, friends, family. Hell, I just went to visit my nephew for his first birthday!”
EXACTLY! You know who you are, right? So you wouldn’t tell people how you still cry yourself to sleep at night because that one girl broke up with you ten years ago. You wouldn’t make yourself out to be some one-note waste of time.
“Of course not! Like you said, I know me. Why would—“
The big, dumb doofus in the stupid armor shut his stupid mouth while the seeds of truth the incredibly smart and beautiful writer planted in his miniscule mind began to grow.
“Ohhhhh...”
You get it?
“Yeah. I-I think I do.”
“Good!”
Whoa! I’m back?
“Yep! Now what have you learned?”
Characters aren’t just words on the screen. They have personality, goals, even memories. Most importantly, there is a reason they are the way they are. Any action the character takes, any word they say, any decision they make, it all has to make sense with who they are.
“So why would Twilight have sex with some random stallion?”
She wouldn’t. There must be a reason, and that reason will give her something to say during your conversation with her. Which... huh. Getting caught like that would be pretty careless of her. And you care enough about your friends not to break into their privacy like that. Not the bedroom. I think I need to think about this some more.
Pinkie wiped her brow. “Whew! Good to hear it! You were right, though, when you said the drama was with me and Twilight. The setting can’t do jack on its own. Characters drive the story. You have to get them right.”
Pinkie Pie raced back to Sugarcube Corner. She went to the kitchen and took a pack of pudding cups out of the refrigerator. Carousel Boutique was right on the way to the library, and Sweetie Belle just had a tooth pulled yesterday. Solid foods would still be a bit tricky for her.
Pinkie looked up at the previous paragraph. “Better, better, but it still needs to get touched up a bit.”
I know. Just wingin’ it.
“Well, good luck to you!” Pinkie hopped back outside, humming a merry tune. “Oh!” She stopped and looked up to the sky. “It’s called ‘dusting.’ You should try it some time.”
Fuck off.
EDIT: Thanks to Noble Thought for the idea of Pinkie Pie acting against the script.
Characterization 101.
This was really silly. And informative! Thank you for sharing!
2559163
Just had to get some sense knocked into me. got the broken toes to prove it...
2559173
My two favorite things!
Dear god, this was everything I've ever wanted to see out of Pinkie breaking the fourth wall. Thank you.
No! We are not doing that joke! Get back into the realm of fiction, you!
2559204 I suppose.
2559209
Started out as a story, grew too meta to bother submitting it. Glad you liked it!
*Looks to his old NES that is still hooked up to his tube TV and kicks it under the stand.*
Not only was this hilarious, it was informative. Just because a fun idea crosses the mind for a story, doesn't necessarily mean it would fit with the characters as they are. Even if a character is just a person/pony on paper, they still have identities. They are not mouth pieces for a writer.
Pinkie was right in calling this out. Not only did she break the fourth wall, she ran it over with a tank.
2559304
Thanks!
2559173
Just realized I didn't give you credit for the script idea. Fixed now.
I'm following you solely for this awesometacular blog X3 I'm actually even inspired to perhaps write a parody story about it.
2593794 Thanks for that! And yeah, this one started as a story on its own. Turned bloggy, so I posted it here.
Not too fond of Pinkie calling anyone a neckbeard. Especially for owning a PS2.
5/12
haha this was a hidden gem
5183465
...this is still getting views? I forgot it even existed!
5183613
I was trying to find a Bookplayer blog on characterization and found this instead.