Fanfic Reviews – Most Dangerous (again) Edition · 11:00pm Jan 4th, 2015
The Most Dangerous Game was a gold mine of awesome fics. I went through all the finalists before, but I also saved a bunch others that managed to catch my eye. Considering that a new edition is starting soon (hopefully I will finish a fic this time), it seems only fair to kick 2015 with reviews for the ones I missed. Have them here, in order:
All Skin and Bones
In Times of Need
HOME
A Brush With Beauty
Johnny Never Knew What Hit Him
Two Roaming Souls
Trial by Flower
As a reminder, scores are on a 0~10 scale, with 3 representing a mediocre fic, and 8 being where I can say I like a story.
RedSquirrel456 – All Skin and Bones – Dark
A human necromancer works in Equestria.
This story barely feels pony at all, easily taken as original fiction if not for the mentions of hooves and horns. Even the magic feels decidedly unequestrian in its methods, like something out of a high fantasy novel. This all works towards making humans seem too common in this world for this story to work in the context of the contest, and makes the whole pony angle feel tacked on.
Not that it’s a bad story, since I certainly enjoyed a great part of it. The writing is consistent, with some great moments, and the ending was pretty good. It also feels a lot like “I Am Legend” at parts, which is certainly not a bad thing. I just think that the fic as a whole smells of missed opportunities, not only due to the lack of pony, but due to a lack of a strong connecting thread for the narrative as a whole.
Why it should be read: For those that enjoy detailed descriptions of magical research.
Stand out moment: There is a point in the middle of the narrative where the fic hits its stride, and everything starts clicking together, but sadly it is quickly lost.
6/10
Pascoite – In Times of Need – Adventure
Luna comes to a human on his dreams, in order to ask him to help save Equestria.
This story utilizes a great premise in order to develop a very smart plot. I particularly love the way it meshes reality with dreams, employing a very effective semi-delusional tone, as well as how it frames the character as feeling passion, but not necessarily love. The human and the justification for him being there also felt nice, but the conflict itself felt forced and unnatural. In particular, the “villain” could have used some additional fleshing out. The whole 7th element angle also felt tacked on, and Twilight’s part is a little too superfluous, like she is there more for the audience’s sake than anything related to the plot. Still, it is an interesting story, and very true to the spirit of the contest.
Why it should be read: For the interesting way it uses dreams, and its believable human.
Stand out moment: The way the human’s death is treated was great.
7,5/10
KitsuneRisu – HOME – Psychological Drama
A man dreams of ponies.
This is an incredibly dark story, and uses an unreliable narrator for great effect, enough to leave a lasting impression. The psychological aspects are certainly laudable, especially how each of the Mane 6, in his delusions, represent aspects of his personality, and how they fade into the background as his condition worsens. This makes for a particularly smart story, one full of misdirection, never afraid to state things indirectly.
However, being forced to endure this raging narcissist is hard, even if the payoff makes up for that. In fact, for all his issues, all realistically portrayed, it is hard to sympathize with a guy like him. Pity yes, but not sympathy. This made the story a slog to go through, particularly early on, as he waxes philosophically about “kinds of people”, how superior he obviously is to all the sheeple around, and his particular ideas about greatness – one of my pet peeves. It also didn’t feel true to the spirit of the contest, but really, this is still a great story, that works very well with multiple themes, and that manages to work on multiple levels.
Why it should be read: For a smart, subtle story.
Stand out moment: Everything related with “Bitch Boss” is awesome.
8,5/10
Burraku_Pansa – A Brush with Beauty – Character Drama
An average man learns something important by going to Equestria.
This gets a resounding Meh from me. It is a case where I like the message, but feel that the execution is completely wrong, even if I can’t quite explain why. In a way, it lacks a clear purpose, like it wants to be about something else, but forces itself to be a Human in Equestria story. In fact, most of the pony aspect is essentially irrelevant. The whole thing has a certain perfunctory air, pretty much jumping from set-piece to set-piece, going through the paces to a pre-established conclusion. Despite that, the individual scenes are interesting, and characterization was consistent and effective. It isn’t bad from the contest point of view, but still failed to resonate with me.
Why it should be read: Maybe you can get something else from this that I couldn’t.
Stand out moment: The way the “Friendship Rainbow” is explained
4/10
Horse Voice – Johnny Never Knew What Hit Him – Tragedy
A soldier goes to Equestria and becomes an Alicorn.
For some reason, I have failed completely to review anything from Horse Voice so far. He has a knack for taking seemingly unsalvageable premises, and working them in just the right way to make them remarkable. This fic is another great example of that.
The story starts off beign horribly contrived, enough to make you doubt it will become any good, piling in the worst possible fanfiction tropes sky high. However, rather than shoving those things aside, or having their presence be only incidental, the story is built around the fact that these things are terrible. Thanks to that, it makes the contrivances the plot itself, which is pretty amazing. This is such an awesome take on the subject it left me floored, and even minor things, like the always overused soldier-in-Equestria, managed to work in here.
All that is in service of a story meant to highlight the difficulty of taking certain decisions, to showcase sacrifice as a virtue and concept, and maybe in some way, to expose the best of mankind. It isn’t exactly perfect, as Johnny feels less a character and more an archetype at times, but I can give it a pass, since it ends up working in the stories’ favor. All in all, this is a fantastic story, and one that deserves to be read.
Why it should be read: For the clever construction.
Stand out moment: The moment Johnny realizes what is happening.
9,5/10
Belligerent Sock – Two Roaming Souls – Adventure
Spike travels Equestria with a human child.
This story feels incomplete, like it relies on an inexistent part 2 in order to flesh it out. I don’t really care that the setting isn’t that justified, but things like the human and the 7th element have only a token presence, and that really bothers me. In fact, this is the story of Spike as a wanderer, who finds himself caring for someone weaker, and of him eventually discovering something he has lost through that person. Coupled with the tenuous ties to the show, this makes this story feel out of place as fanfiction, while still being fully dependent on being fanfiction. Otherwise it is competently written, evocative and tense when it needs to be, but it feels like something that needs to be heavily retooled in order to achieve its full potential.
Why it should be read: For an interesting view of an adult Spike.
Stand out moment: The way it deals with the language barrier.
4,5/10
AugieDog – Trial by Flower – Shipping
A flower shop owner falls in love with one of the Mane 6.
This here is some quality shipping, with two well defined characters, put in an interesting situation, and coming out of it with something which might just be love. Dialogue and characterization are certainly the stand-outs here, which helps and is helped by the great pacing. The conflict, while simple, is smart, and is a perfect fit for the end game, and everything simply fits together by the end.
It must be noted that this story is also written in the second person. That aspect is gimmicky, but unintrusive, which I guess is the best that can be said about this type of thing. I don’t think the fic would be better or worse without it, and it only comes off as superfluous and mildly distracting. It isn’t the deepest story, but it was still such a fun read that my gripes seem minor.
Also, “crocodahlias” is an amazing pun.
Why it should be read: For some quality OC x Mane 6 shipping, and quality shipping overall.
Stand out moment: All the naming mix up.
8,5/10
You're too kind!
When I saw Johnny there, I thought, "Uh-oh." My regular readers consider it one of my weaker pieces, and among the critics, you've had the best things to say about it. I appreciate the encouragement.
But now you've got me curious:
Which stories did you have in mind here, specifically?
He used crocodahlias in another one of hist stories recently, reminding me how awesome it is.
Also, good you got these out of the way just in time for the next dangerous game!
2701090 I almost finished the post with a Slowpoke pic. It would be fitting.
2700938 All of your serious ones probably. Dark themed stories about Humans and Ponies interacting don't have a good reputation for a good reason, but you always manage to find an angle that makes them work. Also stories involving show people, or that Equestria has a dark past, and so on.
Speaking more generally, your stories tend to twist show canon proper, and more often than not don't really care about trying to tie things back to the show concepts – unlike, say, "Fallout: Equestria" or "Siren Song". In that sense "unsalvageable" might be too strong a word, but that kind of thing is a hallmark of some pretty terrible stories.
You could say you have been playing the most dangerous game all along.
Well, hey, thanks for taking the time to give that little scrap of mine a read and review. You're right in thinking it feels incomplete, and that's because it very much is, despite being tagged as such. Long story short, I had to publish and submit it early due to commitments to the Army, and I was under no illusions about my odds of winning. I'm glad that the heart of it still managed to shine through, and who knows? Maybe one day I'll actually continue it properly.
2701331
Heh, perhaps. Of course, now that the new contest has come along, I'm scraping the barrel for ideas, since I've used up all my good ones already. Derp.
Sorry you weren't enamored with my entry. As a proud, independent author who don't need no man, I always feel an urge to question to Pluto and back feedback like this on whatever my newest story happens to be. Out of respect for the fact that you actually gave me some feedback, though (thank you!), I'll keep it to a minimum.
Probably the biggest point I have the urge to contest is this one:
I would love it if you could clarify. Going into this story, one of the clearest purposes I had in mind, in fact, was to write "a stereotypical HiE but right". I did all I felt I could have to make this a true and archetypical HiE, save for the fact that all of the common tropes and situations (depressed human, human finds a portal to Equestria, human eats a mind-blowing SAA apple, etc.) that I put in were twisted to serve a more cohesive whole than the average. In this way, that area of your feedback runs counter to what I set out to do—and thought that I had, for the most part, done.
I'm happy that my story caught your eye in the first place, at least. I hope that future work of mine might also do so, but that it delivers for you more fully.
2701751 Oh, so this is the comment you mentioned on the other thread!
I had to do a quick recap of the story to write this, since I probably read it first some 6 months back, so sorry if I miss some detail here. What I meant with the "It is forcing itself to be HiE" wasn't that the human aspect was forced, but that the Equestrian aspects were rather generic. Taking the beggining and the end by themselves, there are a hundred things that could be done using color which would fit this exact same story – except maybe for the final line, which is fine.
In the end, I was left with the impression that there was a story you wanted to tell, and decided to fit the HiE elements there, rather than the story being born integrated with the HiE. This why I mention that the pony aspects were essentially irrelevant.
2890972
I suppose I can't effectively argue with it if that's just the impression you got, but I assure you, that wasn't the process I went through with the story.