The Best of All Possible Worlds: Skype Transcript · 7:00am Aug 2nd, 2012
OOC:
Alright, I wanted to get this out before I even started posting Chapters 7 and 8, so I have one last chance at damage control. (With any luck, Chapter 7 at least will be posted by the time you finish reading this.)
You’re likely to have two questions about these two chapters: “Why are you posting two chapters at once?” and “What the hell were you thinking when you wrote Chapter 8?”
For the first question, Chapter 7 ends with a particularly misleading cliffhanger. I suspect that few of you will really know what happened before you get to Chapter 8, and a few of you might get the wrong idea altogether.
Which brings us to Chapter 8. The fact of the matter is that Voltaire, like Mozart, had a fondness for bodily fluid-related humor, so I decided to honor that, despite my own personal misgivings on the subject. If that happens to be your kind of thing, if you think this is the best chapter ever, and if you wish I’d make the rest of the story follow the same vein, then too bad, because you’ll never see anything like this out of me ever again. Therefore, if you end up not liking the chapter because of the subject matter, or perhaps because of what I reveal of Celestia’s character, then there’s a simple mental fix: replace the last couple of sentences in Chapter 7 with the last couple of sentences in Chapter 8, and pretend that nothing in between ever happened.
(tl;dr version: Yup, I’m a prude.)
So, with all that pretentiousness out of the way, here’s some more in-character silliness.
IC:
I got a call from our gracious (yet still anonymous author) on Skype, that I just had to share with the readers. It’s translated from Equine, of course, with the literal versions of English loan words in square brackets.
~ ~ ~
McPoodle: Hello? Is that you, [actual name of the anonymous author, which I can never ever, ever, reveal, or even hint at in the slightest]?
Voice of a mare in the background that isn’t the author (“Mare #1”): Is the swimming done? It was so boring!
Anonymous Author (“Author”), speaking to Mare #1: Yeah, this is beach volleyball. Now try to hold it down while I’m on the phone. (to me) Yes, it’s me. Look I wanted to tell you that there might be a delay in my future letters.
Mare #2, in the background: What hideous apparel! I was told that the players wore outfits that allowed the interplay of the various human muscle groups to be displayed! How am I going to get my human bodysuit line completed without human muscle groups on display to work from?!
Author, to Mare #2: Well maybe we can switch to a different channel. Let me check the program guide...
Voice of an Announcer Stallion (“Announcer S.”) in the background, sounding bored: ...the ball is returned by the American [Eaglelander]...
Voice of an Announcer Mare (“Announcer M.”) in the background, sounding slightly-less bored: ...Misty May-Traenor [Misty May-Trainer]?
Announcer S.: ...I think so. The ball goes back and forth a few times, and I think that’s a point.
Announcer M.: For the Czech Republic [Lionland].
Announcer S.: Really?
Announcer M.: That’s what the scoreboard says.
Author: McPoodle? Did you hear me?
McPoodle: Huh? Oh, yes. I don’t have a problem with that. Got something else you’re working on?
Announcer S.: OK. Now the ball is in flight again and...did you see that?! Tell me you saw that!
Mare #3, in the background: Eep!
Announcer M.: Unbelievable! That American human just dived right into the sand! I think I saw the human’s legs bend back over her head.
Announcer S.: That’s it, the first casualty of the London Games, I’m calling it.
Author, to me: No, not really. We’re just watching your Human Olympics on my receiver. (to the other mares) What am I missing?
Mare #1: Best sport ever!
Mare #2, at the same time: Worst sport ever!
Announcer M.: No, wait, she’s getting up!
Announcer S.: Incredible! And the ball’s still in play!
Mare #1: OK, [real name of Mare #3], you can look now.
Mare #4, in the background: Ooo! What song are they playing?
Mare #3: “Party in the U.S.A.”
Mare #4: iTunes, here I come!
Mare #1: When are those snacks going to be ready?
Mare #4: Hold your ponies! I still have to microwave the nacho cheese...without a microwave!
Announcer M.: And now one of the Czechs is diving into the sand as well...
Announcer S.: I can’t look!
Mare #3: Eeep!
Announcer M.: How is her head still attached to her neck after that??
Author, to the other mares: Yeah, we’re definitely changing the channel now.
Mare #1: Awww...
McPoodle: I didn’t think ponies would be interested in human sports.
Author, to the other mares: OK, how about this channel? (to McPoodle) Oh, well, how do I put this...
Mare #1, into the phone: ...we still can’t believe you humans can walk all the time on your hind legs, and we think it’s hilarious every time you fall down.
Author: [Real name of Mare #1]!
Mare #1: What? It’s true. The number one human story yesterday was the Chinese [Dragonland] men’s team qualifying round in gymnastics, in ultra slow-motion. And what is this sport, anyway?
Author: Synchronized diving?
Mare #2, continuing her conversation in the background like a true lady: I fail to see how this is a sport, although the outfits are much more conductive to my studies.
Mare #1: How do you make a sport out of falling into a pool?
Mare #4: You could count who gets the most spectators wet! SPLOOSH!
Mare #2: And there’s two of them going to do it? I hope they have enough water in the pool.
[Creak] [Creak] [Ka-THUNK!] . . . [ splish! ]
Mare #2: WHAAAAAAA?
Author: It’s like the water wasn’t even there! There’s got to be magic involved!
Mare #1: so awesome!
Author: Uh...gotta go. Bye!
Mysterious Author, you need to send McPoodle a transcript of you and your friends watching the olympics so that we may...hrm...enjoy your perspective on this momentous socio-cultural event!
This was absolutely hilarious and intriguing at the same time. I'd love to see more of this.
There's far too much about human-pony mingling that isn't properly written out. My gratitude for taking an important step in that.