Badfic Slaughterhouse #24 · 8:21pm Sep 15th, 2015
So some of you have been wondering what happened to me? The short of it is that I’ve spent most of the summer in crippling pain. Several months, four doctors, a pile of medical bills, and a boatload of stress and anxiety later, I’m back to normal. With luck, it’ll stay that way.
And no, I’m not going to talk about it any further.
Today’s edition of Badfic Slaughterhouse features:
–Luna dancing on a pipe organ.
–Big Mac punching Blueblood. Repeatedly.
–Trixie being showered in spit.
–The revelation that pegasi are actually honeybees.
–Millions of fourth walls crying out in terror... and being suddenly silenced.
Composing a Dream, by Flint-Lock
Rating: Everyone
Tags: Random, Adventure
Length: 4,471 words (Status: Complete – 1/1 chapter(s) read)
Synopsis: Luna plays around in a strange, musical dream.
Review: Have you ever had a dream about running around in a surreal world where every footstep triggers a musical note? Apparently Flint-Lock has, and he (or she?) wrote a story about it.
So how does Luna get into this old, abandoned dream? It just happens, and the story makes it clear that no explanation is forthcoming by laying down this rule:
An aetheric breeze wafted across Luna’s face. Senses trained by centuries of experience detected the soothing lemon/lilac scent of pleasant dreams, the spearmint/marmalade smell of bizarre dreams, the faint ozone/sweat smell of defused nightmares, and the heady, musky scent of… sensual dreams.
Once, she’d asked her mentor, Starswirl the Bearded, why dreams had these scents to begin with. The wise eccentric had warned her not to ask such questions about the Dreamworld. When she’d asked why, he’d simply said, “Your brain will melt”, as if she’d just asked him for the time. Being rather fond of her brain, Luna had decided to take his advice.
One might say that, in this realm, ignorance really was bliss.
So trying to understand how dreams work is like shoving your brain into a blender and pressing “liquefy.” I guess that’s convenient from a storytelling perspective because it excuses the author from actually having to explain how anything is possible and gives him the freedom to present any absurdity he likes, free from restraint. Is that a good thing from a reader’s perspective, though? Well, different people will see it differently, but I wasn’t a fan of the choice.
Neither was Sigmund Freud, and he came to me in a dream—riding on a popsicle-powered stapler with six Oedipus complexes—to tell me how much he hated it.
The imagery in the dream is interesting, and it has a nice flow that keeps it from being boring, even though nothing is really happening. Plus, it’s short enough that it doesn’t outstay its welcome.
Toward the end, it develops a little bit of completely random action, but it has no stakes and cuts off before it can be resolved (or even given any sort of context) so I don’t think it amounted to enough to warrant an adventure tag. The story is more of a world-building slice of life.
Verdict: I’m not a fan of slice of life fics, and despite the adventure tag, that’s exactly what this story is. The imagery is interesting, but there’s nothing more to it, and it raises questions that are never answered. If evocative imagery is your cup of tea, though, you’ll probably enjoy this.
Living Science of Flight, by KwirkyJ
Rating: Everyone
Tags: Comedy, Random
Length: 2,564 words (Status: Complete – 1/1 chapter(s) read)
Synopsis: Twilight studies pegasus flight while KwirkyJ assaults the fourth wall.
Review: Why is this a thing? Ordinarily, I wouldn’t be quite so… um… blunt about a fic I was asked to review, but I can’t understand what would drive someone to write something like this.
The premise of the story is that Twilight is trying to study the way pegasus magic works, and Rainbow is acting as a test subject. That’s fine in theory, but the execution largely consists of Rainbow not quite doing things the right way, Twilight explaining what she wants, and Rainbow finally getting it right. Not exactly the height of comedic fare.
The story’s attempts at comedy largely come from its fourth wall breaks (of which there are many) and the narrative style, which is meant to be witty, but largely comes off as simply insufferable.
Twilight rolled her eyes, summoned her magic, and, with an arcane effort that shall not be expounded here to not sully or dissolve the reader's lesser mind, 'zapped' Rainbow Dash with the spell. That incredible, amazing spell!
I’m not sure what the worst part of that passage is. It could be the jab at the “lesser mind” of the reader, but then again, it could also be the line at the end, which serves no point to the story other than to say, “Hey, readers, check this out! I watched the show and know some lines from it!”
To make matters worse, there’s no ending—or even a big punchline. It just stops. In mid-sentence, no less. I guess that’s supposed to be funny, but I didn’t see the humor. The closest thing to a resolution in this story comes from its afterthought of a B-plot, which involves Pinkie.
While the narration tries way too hard to be witty when it’s being descriptive, it goes the opposite way when characters start speaking, consisting of tiny, throwaway sentences that add virtually nothing.
While the mechanics are mostly fine, this odd line drew my attention:
Understated though it be, this is a grand achievement. Be you acknown on’t.
I know things can slip between the cracks, but this is so obvious, I can’t believe no one has bothered to point it out before now.
Verdict: If you enjoy seeing authors make the fourth wall their bitch, then by all means, have a look at this story. You’ll probably get a kick out of it. Otherwise, I can’t think of a reason to recommend it.
Sometimes Maps Are Dumb, by HoofBitingActionOverload
Rating: Everyone
Tags: Comedy
Length: 4,633 words (Status: Complete – 1/1 chapter(s) read)
Synopsis: The map in Twilight’s castle summons Trixie to deal with a problem in a distant land.
Review: If I had to sum this story up in one word, I think the one I’d choose is “safe.” It takes a concept that’s virtually guaranteed to generate comedy, pulls some obvious jokes from the well, and is executed well enough to be an enjoyable read.
The Trixie on display in this story is exactly what you’d expect: arrogant, stubborn, self-righteous, foolhardy,etc. Odds are if you’re looking to read a Trixie story, this is exactly the portrayal of the character you’re looking for. However, since she’s the protagonist, we get to see the story largely from her perspective, and her condescension toward the llamas she’s supposed to be helping is amplified by the narration.
Then again, llamas really are ugly bastards.
Trixie took a deep breath, put on a showmare’s smile, and stepped towards the nearest llama. “Good day, smelly llama creature! I am the Great and Powerful Trixie. Trixie has come to raise you and your lowly brethren up out of the mire into the fold of civilization. She has come to bestow upon you the gift of friendship. What say you?”
The llama, a dark brown color, taller than her, and older-looking, eyed her curiously. It cocked its head to the side and made a sound like it was clearing its throat.
Confidence returning, Trixie gracefully strolled towards it. “Trixie promises you, there is no reason to be afraid. Trixie understands that it must be embarrassing to suddenly find yourself in the presence of such outstanding beauty and talent, however, she is merely here to help.”
The llama stepped closer to her and leaned down.
Trixie winced at its appearance, but continued on. “Yes, I come bearing friendship by way of the authority of Princess Twilight Sparkle. Now let’s hurry this along. Trixie has not had a good night’s sleep in weeks.”
The llama seemed to consider something, then it opened its mouth and spit in Trixie’s face.
The story moves at a brisk pace, never staying on a scene longer than it needs to, but that comes at the cost of descriptiveness. Most of the story’s comedy comes from dialogue because the narration while characters are speaking tends to be rushed and simplistic. It doesn’t make the story bad or unfunny, but it does keep it from being as hilarious as it could be.
If there’s one place I think the story really misfired, though, it’s in making Trixie’s ultimate objective clear near the beginning instead of dropping subtle clues and revealing it at the end. It could have been another punchline in the ending, but it winds up being a subplot that just fizzles at the conclusion. But whatever. It isn’t a dealbreaker.
Verdict: It’s a fun, inoffensive comedy that should have at least some appeal to the majority of readers, and Trixie fans especially will appreciate it.
The New Crop, by xjuggernaughtx
Rating: Teen
Tags: Dark, Slice of Life, Alternate Universe
Length: 15,885 words (Status: Complete – 6/6 chapter(s) read)
Synopsis: Big McIntosh fights in a boxing match to save the family farm.
Review: Set in an AU in which the Apple family settled in the Appleloosan desert instead of what would become Ponyville, this story primarily tells the tale of Big Mac taking on Blueblood, who has lost his royal title, to win the money to preserve their failing farm. However, bits of backstory are scattered throughout it that tell a tragic tale of what could have been.
The story is related in present tense first-person from Mac’s POV, and it absolutely nails his character voice. While he’s never said more words in the series than he relates in the first few paragraphs, it’s still recognizable as the same character, albeit a version who’s been beaten down by life at every turn. He’s bitter and angry at the world, but he’ll do whatever it takes to keep his family afloat.
The other characters understandably don’t come out as strong, but there’s nothing wrong with them, either. Granny Smith’s role is that of Mac’s trainer, and she’s tough as nails, constantly working to keep him focused on the fight. In a sense, she’s the rock that keeps Mac strong and gives him the support he needs to keep the family going. Apple Bloom is also in his corner, watching the fight and studying his opponent, looking for weaknesses Mac can exploit. AB in particular doesn’t retain much of her canon personality, but that’s understandable since she’s a child growing up under completely different circumstances.
Blueblood, on the other hand, is a complete mystery. We get a little bit of his public history, but nothing is known of his reasons for fighting. All we really know is that he’s as tough as they come and just as desperate to win as Mac. He might as well be an OC, I suppose, but having a canonical basis makes him easy to visualize, and it’s interesting to wonder what might have led him to that point. Hell, I’d love to see a bonus chapter to the story that shows Blueblood preparing for the fight.
Blueblood’s backing up now, circling again. I stand in the middle of the ring and turn. It’s tough. I wanna go after him just to get things started, but I’ll be outta gas by round three if I try to chase this guy. If he wants to win the census, though, he’s got to get the crowd behind him. They’ll see me standing ready to fight, and him over there, everywhere in the ring except where the fight is, and their choice will be simple. He’s got to come to me. Hard as it is, I wait.
He circles a few more times, and the crowd starts to holler. They hate this guy already. They’ll hate me, too, if something doesn’t happen soon, but I’m willing to wait it out. I can see his muscles twitching around his neck. Nerves. He’ll make his move soon. He’s got to, because the crowd’s getting riled, and if they—
The world turns bright white, then slides out of focus.
I stumble sideways and bring my hoof to my ear before cursing myself. Can’t spare a look to my corner, but I know Granny Smith’s gonna chew me out something fierce when the round’s over. I got caught looking at the crowd, and he tagged me. On top of that, I moved my hoof outta position, and she’s always on me about that. I move it back just a second too late. Blueblood slams two lightning-quick hooves into my face. First to the forehead, and my head rocks back. The next hits my nose. That one hurt, and I feel blood start to flow from my left nostril.
The fight is detailed in visceral fashion, and plenty of attention is paid to all of its aspects, mental and physical. By the end, I had more of an insight into a boxer’s mentality than I gained from all the boxing movies I’ve ever seen. I don’t know how accurate it is or whether the author has had any experience in a ring, but it certainly felt authentic to me.
Each round takes place in a separate chapter, and they all feel distinct. Every time, the scenario shifts, and Mac adopts new strategies and outlooks. As the story progresses, he grows increasingly desperate, questioning both his own capabilities and the abilities of his opponent. Reminiscences of the story’s alternate history are sprinkled throughout Mac’s monologue, fleshing out the scenario as it goes and building up the stakes.
That’s not to say the story is perfect, though. Part of the Apple family’s backstory is unnecessarily repeated at one point, and the prose can sometimes filter information through Mac’s perceptions, telling us that he felt something instead of just describing the feeling, thus creating an extra layer between the narrator and the audience.
Verdict: This story isn’t without flaws, but I enjoyed the hell out of it, and I heartily recommend it to anyone with even a passing interest in the subject matter.
The beginning of the great guardian, by Dangum117
Rating: Everyone
Tags: Bullshit (There are no tags on the story, so I filled in the gap. You’re welcome!)
Length: 4,755 words (Status: Complete – 2/2 chapter(s) read)
Synopsis: In a world where pegasi buzz around in hives and make honey for their alicorn masters, a random human appears to make the world even dumber.
Review: I had to save this one for last, simply because of how long this is going to be. Frankly, this story is awful—an atrocity, even. A hate crime against the very concept of literature.
And that’s why it’s glorious.
In the beginning, with the great rein of the Alicorns. Powerful and wise they controlled the solar system and the Earth they lived upon long before earth ponies, pegasi, and unicorns controlled the surroundings of the land.
Yep, it's one of those stories. But look closely at that first non-sentence. Rein. I can appreciate a good horse pun, but I think this is the first time I've ever seen one that was completely accidental!
Most of the alicorns lived in there own kingdoms and palaces around the globe such as Crystal Alicorns far in the north and the Honey Kingdom filled with pegasi able to polanate in the west.
So... pegasi are bees? The brony part of my brain is now at war with the troll lobe (If pegasi can pollinate, I can have a troll lobe, dammit.) which is determined to accept that as my new headcanon.
Every Alicorns knew one another and as such the world was united and at peace for a very long time.
Yeah, because people who know each other never dislike each other or anything. That would be CRAZY!
This is were are story begins with newborn fillies Celestia and Luna. Their young lives were filled with joy and hope they would adventure out into the forest or go on diplomatic trips with their parents.
There's nothing in the world that excites a child as much as diplomacy. How many of us can truly say our prepubescent selves didn't yearn to dress up in uncomfortable clothes and pretend to hate fun?
However their joy would not last as long as they had hope.
Everyone knows you can't be happy if you have hope! Only in despair can you find true bliss!
With so much magic being used, great waves of the magic affected another world the Human world were one person was pulled into the battle, only sixteen years of age.
The human was confused "Where am I? What is this place?"
You are in the world of bad fanfiction, sir. Abandon all hope, for you shall never again know the joy of possessing dignity.
But then an Alicorn named Shadow Fell who had a black coat and a red and black mane who was a very wise and strong Alicorn in Crimson armor immediately went full force into Umbare side distracting him.
Are there even any jokes left to make about this sort of thing?
In the mist of the fight Astra had noticed a deep cut left by Shadow Fell from the earlier fight,
I don't know whether to make a joke about fights creating mist or alicorns having super vision powers.
the king took all his strength and blasted into the cut of the side of the Draconequuses side and killing him.
His side has a side? Leave it to a draconequus to have non-Euclidean biology.
the king had managed to get himself off the ground saying to the human when you see them protect them for me
So the alicorn king entrusts a random human he doesn't even know with protecting his daughters? No wonder they're nearly extinct now. It's Darwinism in action.
And speaking of Celestia and Luna, let's see what they got up to after that hilariously stupid excuse for a battle.
They had many small adventures on there own and faced a few dangers they even came across a small creature that called itself a Draconequus he said his name was Discord and his mommy and daddy were missing. no he was looking for them empathizeing with him he joined there there troop of parent searchers.
Thank you, author, for sparing my brain cells by not detailing those adventures.
Celestia and Luna came across a village filled with unicorn pegasi and earth ponies hiding amongst the shadows they watched hundreds of unicorns gather in a large field in attempt to raise the sun as they struggled to due for a full year
Am I reading this right? Did these hundreds of unicorns spend a whole year trying to raise the sun?
suddenly one of the ponys collapsed, and then another, the rest of the unicorns magic wavered tired of doing a job of an Alicorn and could not stand it any longer and more and more of them fainted from exhaustion.
And after a full year of effort, they all run out of energy at the same time. Should've used Duracell, kids.
And that's just a fraction of this crapfest. It goes on a few thousand words longer, and the more your brain cells commit suicide, the funnier it gets. If you re-read it a few times, you might actually be dumb enough to comprehend the author's intent.
Verdict: This is my favorite kind of badfic. Every time I look at a paragraph, I find something new to laugh at. If you can see humor in this kind of trash, this story should go to the top of your reading list.
Want to call my wrath down on a particular story? Make a request in the comments.
Rules:
—You can request a story of any length.
—It can be yours or someone else’s, and I don’t care whether it’s good or a train wreck, but I make no guarantees that I’ll read or review it. These are requests, not orders.
—One request per person per review post, and only on the most recent one.
—If I don’t like your story, don’t be butthurt over it. It's just one (really picky) guy's opinion, and I'll *probably* recommend it for someone, even if I hate it.
Thanks for the review! I think the last time I read the story, I noticed that I'd repeated a piece of the Apple family history, so I'll have to go in and see what I can do to fix it up. It's actually been a little while since I looked at that one.
I actually have a sequel planned that details how and why Blueblood ended up in that fight, and why that Equestria is the way that it is. Planning isn't the same as writing, though, so we will see if I get to it. I'd certainly like to find the time.
Welcome back, Prak!
Thank you for a good giggle on the last one.
Just so you know, I'm pretty sure that I'm a guy.
3395333
I hope to see it one day!
3395364
Glad you were amused! Seriously, if you think badfics are funny, that one's a gold mine.
3395464
Duly noted. It's hard to tell, sometimes, so I try not to take it for granted.
Oh my, that last one... Muh brain.... Muh braaaaaiiiiinnnnn~ ;~;
It's like back when I tried to write stories when I was 8 all over again D:
That last one brings me back to the good ole days of the TWE.
I can't remember. Did I ever make you look at this one?
3395493
The first story I ever wrote was for a Thanksgiving project when I was 7 years old. It was about space pilgrims fighting against robot turkeys on the moon. Funny enough, my story had better mechanics than the badfic, and it wasn't quite as hilariously stupid.
3395507
You did, but I haven't made time to look at it yet. Either that or my brain's survival instincts override my desire to see it and subconsciously steer me in other directions.
3395550
That'd make for a good direct to DVD movie. We could have Reb Brown direct!
3395570
Hey, that's a great idea! Before I can turn it into a crappy screenplay, though, I'll have to steal the original from my mother's scrapbook. I'm pretty sure it's guarded by attack dogs and automated defense turrets.
Glad to see you are back and reviewing. I hope you're doing okay. If you need anything, let me know.
Good reviews as always. I'll have to check out the last one. Just reading the passages you put were hilarious.
Welcome back, (may you remain healthy,) and thank you for the review!
I agree almost entirely with your assessment about Living Science: it has little to no plot, relying on audience appeal to the style of zaniness. One item that seemed to have been missed, though it may not be any form of saving grace, I intended for the spell itself to be nearly unambiguously the narrator -- the exposition hints at the spell becoming sentient, being underrated; the sonic rainboom naturally breaks it.
As you mention it, I would like to know what exactly was your complaint with this line, as every element was deliberate:
The first clause being present subjunctive, the following clause indicative; the final sentence is also indicative/commandicative, with pretentious [ab]use of a dated diction and a language construct you'd more commonly find these days in poetry (the contraction for 'on it'). Consistent with the bizarre style, it is intended to jar while not being precisely incorrect.
=== EDIT ===
While not offered as any attempt of excuse, this was among the first pieces of pony fanfiction I ever attempted and writing stories with no story is something I struggle with to this day.
3395599
Thanks. You should get a kick out of that dreck.
3395607
Hm. I never even considered that it might have been intentional. You may have meant well, but it came out being not just jarring, but outright incomprehensible to me. And if I couldn't make sense of it, I can't imagine many other readers getting it.
Response to edit: You haven't done anything that needs excusing. Everything appeals to someone. I happen to like more plot in a story, but most people seem to be perfectly fine with what you published.
3395550
Read it! Enjoy it! Read both sequels, too.
3395333 Okay, so I have to ask (for Prak's benefit as well as mine): Is the entire premise of this fic a riff on Little Mac, the protagonist of the boxing/rhythm game Punch Out! for the Nintendo?
3397139 Well, I had originally planned to write kind of a wacky comedy/parody thing that pulled together references from Rocky, Raging Bull, Mike Tyson's Punch Out!!, etc. The idea was going to be that Applejack absence doing official Elements work around Equestria was putting Sweet Apple Acres in a bit of a financial bind. The family knew Applejack would be in a bad spot if she found out, so they looked for other alternatives. It ended up being boxing, so they were going to do it behind her back, and the part of the comedy would be from the family trying to make sure she didn't find out about it.
However, when I started writing it, a few problems came up. Firstly, Equestria is a place where ponies help each other. There would really be no need for them to go through all of that. The rest of the family would rally to help them, and they're aware of that. So the story wouldn't make sense in regular ol' friendly Equestria. An argument could be made for Apple family stubbornness keeping them from asking for help, but in the end, Family On The Brink of Ruin just isn't really an MLP concept.
Secondly, boxing is a violent, dangerous sport. I needed a place where that made sense. Of course, violence is measured in consequence. I could have ramped up the cartoony nature of the violence, but then things don't have a lot of impact, and cartoon violence is often very visual. It's hard to describe in humorous terms someone getting hit in the face with a frying pan. It works onscreen when you can see the face flattened, the stars swirling, and the nose finally pop back out. But writing it out just isn't likely to get the same response.
These two things together moved the story from the goofy comedy I'd thought up to a darker one in another Equestria. I did end up writing something closer to the original version, but changed Big Mac to a wrestler instead. It's sitting in my scraps collection. Maybe I'll complete it one day. I'm a writer that follows my instincts and lets the story go where I feel like it wants to go. This story wanted to be ugly and gritty, so I worked with that.
So to answer your question... sorta? It started out as a riff on Little Mac, among other things, but the story as it stands has little to do with it.
It's good to see another one of these. Those so bad it's kinda funny stories are always a blast to review.
For a request how about Would It Matter If I Was? by GaPJaxie. As you might be able to guess by the fact that it has over 600 comments it has created a really heated debate. I'm curious as to your take on it. Not gonna lie though, you might be walking into a bit of a hornets nest with this.
3398520
I already glanced at it and noticed the crazy number of comments. Gotta admit, it makes me curious about what could be so controversial.
Added to request list... but I probably would have read it anyway.
3398670 Dear Mr. Prak,
I am very impressed by your work and craftsmanship, and trying to review fan stories both good and bad. That stuff isn't easy, and I applaud you for it, and I was made aware of your work by a post of the author of Apple Bloom: Transform and Roll Out!
That being said, I would like to make two requests for stories you could possibly do. These are funny, if not a bit meta, but I am sure that they could give you some much needed giggles if you ever happen to have a long string of terrible fanfics you have to roll through.
They are, Jontron Goes to Equestria and Jontron: Equestria.
I hope these stories bring you five minutes of enjoyment.
Each.
Sincerely,
Musleblast the Ultimate Gamer
3408532
Hey there. Welcome to the party! I'm glad you're enjoying what I do, and I'll try to make it worth your while to stick around.
I don't see any reason to review an incomplete story from 2012 by an author who hasn't been here in nearly three years—not many of my readers are likely to care about it—so I'm going to decline the second one. I've added the first one to my request list, though. I'll keep it in mind if I'm ever looking for some meta humor.