Cerulean's Voice On The Matter #26 · 2:15pm Oct 27th, 2015

All right! Now that my one 3-hour shift for this week is well and truly behind me—

—okay, at least I also get to work all this coming weekend, so that’s something—

—Now’s the time for some more reviews! A bunch more favourited-fic updates nipped in the bud, as well as some more one-shots I never actually got around to writing about. Ranging from feature box toppers to one that flew far under the radar, I’ve reviewed five one-shots with varying degrees of silliness. Now hit dat button right dare… um, if you want to…

Previously-reviewed favourites with new chapters read: Lyra's Ultimate Item Emporium, My Little Villains, Sombra. Saga of Hatred, Upheaval: Journeys, Long Road to Friendship

Story: Do It Mattered If I Is?

Author: KitsuneRisu

Synopsis:

In the wake of the Canterlot Wedding, Fluttershy has to ask Twilight a very difficult question. And then things get weird.

Length: 3,283 words (one-shot)

Status: Complete

Review: If you can’t immediately tell that this is a parody from the title alone, you’ve either been living in a Himalayan cave for the past three months, or… nope, that’s actually about the only excuse you could possibly have to not know of at least the original inspiration for this monstrosity. Do It Mattered is a perfect example of balls-to-the-wall crazy. It’s dumb, it goes around in circles, every character sounds like some kind or narcissist or sociopath, and it ultimately accomplishes nothing. In spite of this—or perhaps even because of this—it’s a gut-grabbing read that brings the lols whether you’ve read the parent story or not. That said, this type of humour is definitely not for everyone, and so I can only recommend it fully to those who enjoy a good trolling.

“Let me tell you something. Let me tell you why I’m so mad, Fluttershy.” Twilight rushed forward and bipped her friend on the forehead. “Who are the elements of harmony?”
“Uh… is that a rh–”
“Who, Fluttershy?”
“W-we are?”
“And what is our job?”
“T-to promote pea–”
“That’s right, to kick ass and look good doing it!”

“I wasn’t about to be upstaged by my foalsitter, Fluttershy!” Twilight seethed.
“But…”
“And seriously? With the power of love?” Twilight said mockingly. “What is this, some stupid cartoon for dumb little girls? No! You have to use punchmagic. That’s how it’s done.”
“I-I…”
“Look at my tiara! Look at it!” Twilight pointed to her head.
“You aren’t wearing your–”
“This is a symbol of my super magic friendship magic! Do you even understand what that means? That means Princess Celestia entrusted me with kicking the ass of everyone in Equestria.”

If that’s enough to whet your appetite, dive right in. Otherwise, you’ll probably feel like your time is wasted.

Story: Mare of Many Hats

Author: Skywriter

Synopsis:

Applejack mourns the loss of one of the last 67,986 links she had to her dead father.

Length: 2,569 words (one-shot)

Status: Complete

Review: The last time I read a Skywriter fic, it was his last moste excellente Applejack focus piece, Roaming. I was blown away by how well both the themes and the Word of God were used to highlight the situation. Mare of Many Hats uses the same sort of theme, but with a wildly different execution. It has something for everyone: whether you’re into not-so-subtle RariJack, Flintstones-esque slave labour, headcanon mixed with meta-humour, lampshades, general insanity, or all of those things, you’ll be set to enjoy this one. Skywriter makes absolutely no apologies here, and it’s great to see him just mess around with his fans for a bit of silliness.

"Oh," said Rarity. "Well, that's... that's terrible, Applejack. Terrible and a bit... confusing. You own sixty-seven thousand of your father's hats?"
"67,986, yup. Well, 67,985, now." A fresh lump welled up in A.J.'s throat.
"Where do you... I mean... they must take up a lot of space, yes?"
"We find room. Closets. Outbuildings. The whole entire attic. Fluttershy's basement. We got some of 'em buried in an airtight metal shipping container underneath the south orchard. I know they're just things, Rarity, but sometimes when I wear one of 'em, it feels like a little piece of my Pa is still with me." A.J. managed a little smile. "Specifically, 1/67,986th of him. Even thinking about 'em brings back memories of that day he gave 'em all to me. Almost like... a flashback sequence in a story you're readin' or something."

...dammit, Jeffrey.

No, seriously: dammit, Jeffrey!

Story: It is Upon These Words That the Fate of Equestria Hangs

Author: Rebonack

Synopsis:

There are many duties and obligations a Princess of Equestria must carry out and Twilight is in the midst of learning them. Over the past few days Princess Celestia has been tutoring Twilight in a series of strange, seemingly nonsensical rituals and incantations. Could this all be as vital to the survival of Equestria as Celestia insists, or has Twilight simply found herself caught in an elaborate prank courtesy of the wily white alicorn?

Length: 3,009 words (one-shot)

Status: Complete

Review: I read this a very long time ago—before I even had a fimfic account, in fact—but it was only after watching The One Where Pinkie Pie Knows and getting a random story idea from the episode that procked me to remember the story. It had been so long that I couldn’t even remember what it was called. A short while later, with much thanks to Prak, I found it and faved it so hard. The beauty of it that… well, it sort of feels like something is terribly wrong from the beginning, but you can’t quite be sure. The narration is a highly recognisable Twilight, which I’m pleased to see after a reread still feels very her even after all her post-S3 character development. The story maintains its uncanny level of suspense right up until the final sentence, with which it delivers one of this fandom’s greatest sucker punches to date, even now. The only niggle I can really point out is how Celestia keeps being described as “the Solar Alicorn,” but it’s not terribly invasive. Definitely aged well, this one.

To quote my buddy Soge, who also read this a long time ago: “I wish I had been drinking something while reading. This ending deserves a proper spit-take.”

Story: Chronopthisis

Author: DemonBrightSpirit

Synopsis:

Many decades ago—perhaps even centuries now—a realization hit me. To this day it haunts my thoughts. Time has us all in its thrall. Though my body may resist its ever-present pestilence, that does not make me immune to the inevitable decay.
I keep these troubling thoughts locked away, hidden where no eye may cast its gaze on them. But that does not mean that they do not exist, or that they do not weigh heavily on my mind. Every so often they come back to plague me, to remind me that even I cannot escape time. All I can do is mitigate the erosion; it's all anypony can do.

Length: 2,263 words (one-shot)

Status: Complete

Review: On the surface, this appears to be another immortality-angst story where Celestia gets all mopey about constantly outliving everyone. And while this feel definitely does leak through, it’s refreshing to see her not lamenting such a thing specifically. Rather, she’s more worried about becoming bored with the world around her. Think about it: you can have the most beautiful garden in the entire world, but if it’s a beauty that you’ve gotten used to seeing over the course of (several) millennia, you’re not going to appreciate it as much as when you first laid eyes upon it, even if you cultivated it yourself.
This is the main theme—as evidenced by the title—and it’s presented briefly but effectively. I like how it ties in with the (prankster) (chessmaster) side of Celestia that we know and love, and it feels perfectly in-character for her to have such thoughts. There’s only so much in the world that you can explore before you’ve seen it all… which of course means the only sort of continuous variety the world has to offer is the ones you meet who inhabit it for such a comparatively short amount of time. It really serves to drive home that the people in your life should always be the most important focus, and they are all to be appreciated.
At the end of the day, Chronopthisis is still, however, immortality angst. Just, for a less clichéd reason. If that’s enough to sell you, you might enjoy it.

Also I edited it and Demon and I'd both really appreciate it if you would spare some time. Plz and TYs.

Story: Do Humans Get Wingboners?

Author: DrakeyC

Synopsis:

Sunset Shimmer and Rainbow Dash are about to find out.
For science.

Length: 2,362 words (one-shot)

Status: Complete

Review: Frankly, there’s not much more than I can say about this other than the synopsis is a succinct summary of its contents. Much like It is Upon These Words, however, the ending throws out some unexpected chuckles. If you like characters put into awkward situations, and you have a (slightly) perverted imagination, this might be for you. Otherwise, it’s a silly throwaway story in a similar vein to this atrocious piece of literature.

Special thanks to Singularity Dream, Super Trampoline, and Horizon for helping to fund this review post. If you’d like your name here as well, in addition to possible other rewards, please consider supporting me on Patreon. Further details about how your support helps can be found in my previous blog, located here.