Story Reviews » Reviews! Round 72 · 10:49pm Oct 27th, 2015
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Hey guys! Quick notice, but we’re trying something new out this time. You’ll see what I mean in a mo, but feel free to check the comment section for more information.
A smug-looking ferret and a plum wrapped in bandages sat looking through a large window at a blond man in military fatigues eagerly scribbling away at a piece of paper.
“Ow, so how did you manage to convince him to come quietly?” Professor Plum asked his companion, wincing at his bruises.
Ferret waved a paw dismissively, “Oh, that was easy. You jumped him with the bag, he beat you up, then when he was done I waved my tail and asked him to blindfold himself and follow me. Nobody can resist my fluff.” She smirked and nuzzled her tail. “The tricky part was navigating the stairs without him stepping on me. It’s harder than I thought to direct someone down stairs when they’re blindfolded and wearing earplugs.”
Plum shrugged. “Well, he seems happy enough to be a temp Angel. Here’s hoping it works out. Are we going to let him go after?”
“I think we have to. He seems willing to be released where we found him. I’m not so sure about the other one.” Ferret made a small moue of distaste and pointed to a large sack in the corner. “He keeps leaving notes where we released him, begging to come back and write more. Something about how he can’t adjust to the real world again.”
“Hmm. Well, getting temps for when the others go on vacation was our best plan, but maybe we should cut back the brainwashing a bit.”
ROUND 72
An ancient race of warriors was sealed away by the princesses long ago. After countless generations of peace, they rise once again to wage war with the newest of Equestria's princesses: Twilight Sparkle.
A story about revenge, love, cookies, mecha, and bipeds.
What is the dark secret the alicorn sisters are hiding? What's with the new baker at Sugarcube Corner? What exactly are squatter's rights? Can two crazy kids find each other through the smoke and the fog of a battlefield? And why is Celestia so horny?
This is the story of siege of the Ponyville Library: The War in the Pocket.
Well, let me just start out this review by saying this story’s not going to be to everyone’s tastes. Hell, I didn’t think it was for me, either, when I initially started to read it, as I’ve never been a fan of the more ridiculous, silly comedy stories. But after a moment to adjust to the style of writing and humour, I found myself thoroughly entertained. And later on… more than that.
It helps I’m a sucker for anything that messes with more tolkein-esque high fantasy ideas. Elves are the worst.
To cut a long story short, Stuff Happens™ which leaves a group of elves from long ago claiming ownership of Twilight’s magical tree house mabob. Understandably reluctant to allow tiny humanoids to take over her home and turn it into a bakery, Twilight fights back, and shenanigans ensue.
What honestly surprised me most about this story was how… real it got, at times. Yes, there are numerous jokes about ponies having shapely posteriors, but the author shows their skill by nicely transitioning to more serious topics seemingly instantly, without any jarring disconnect between the two. Ernie, Vinnie and Chubby all initially appear to be fairly simple characters, but soon reveal themselves to be much deeper than that, with just as many internal conflicts to match the external ones.
Solid characters, even if many of the familiar ones are slightly OOC for the sake of comedy. Combined with strong messages, heartwarming moments, and genuinely funny (if occasionally puerile) jokes, this one was easily an enjoyable read.
I originally intended to use this image, but fimfic doesn’t support .gifv.
This fic really does feel astounding to me. It has adventure, action, heartbreak, trauma, the age old struggle over whether possession really is nine-tenths of the law, giant mecha, a touch of romance between warring tribes and really really delicious cookies. It also has some recognizable faces put into new roles. You could argue it deserves the Crossover tag, but I think they’re so distinct as to almost be totally separate from their origins.
Okay, first off, yes, this story is 25k. Does that mean it’s too long or you shouldn’t read it? Absolutely not! This story is amazing and the length shouldn’t scare you off. It manages to make things fly by and really immerse you in what’s happening. After all, when you were a kid Fruit by the Foot wasn’t too intimidating to scarf down, and neither should this story.
The main action centers around Ponyville with Twilight and Spike facing off against three odd assailants demanding… their home? It turns out that these beings sealed away have managed to break free and want to get back to doing what they do best. Unfortunately Twilight’s moved into their home and they’re less than pleased with what she’s done with it.
This sparks off a war between Twilight and her tiny foes as a variety of silly things begin spiralling out of control ranging from fake book deliveries to the age old tunnel plan. Twilight needless to say responds in proper Twilight fashion, aka: defend the books at all cost and never surrender.
I love how this story balances serious and ridiculous. There are very touching and sombre moments as the newcomers struggle to understand this strange new world and how it feels to lose all that you loved, and then there are scenes where Celestia and Luna discuss the best way to fake a kidnapping so you can get out of work. Pinkie also enters the story and quickly sweeps any scenes she’s in. She is equal parts sweet and funny by turns and shows a really beautiful softer side to herself. She manages to mix baking and romance without making it feel to saccharine or sticky.
This may be a long piece, but it never feels rushed or meandering and has a really stunning conclusion. Watching the characters grow and change was amazing and I truly loved getting to see how they handled their upsets with grace and humility (Or temper tantrums and mecha).
STORY 2
Waiting on Death, by Georg
War, Famine, and Pestilence await their last member so the Apocalypse may properly begin. The only problem is he’s tied up in a meeting with his editor. What is he writing? Um. Look! A moose!
Can Pinkie Pie assuage the impatience of the remaining Horsemen of the Apocalypse with cupcakes until their last member finishes his work of Equestrian Literature?
I feel I could sum this story up in three words:
Sir. Terry. Pratchett.
If that doesn’t make you want to read this story, then I don’t know what will. Georg manages to catch the feeling of PTerry very, very well, with that almost unique brand of semi-meta humour that always ends up making me grin like a loon.
He’s right, you know.
Now, this isn’t the first PTerry story on the site. Hell, this one rather explicitly references another, more famous one, but even among those attempting to emulate Sir Terry’s work it’s rare that that an author manages to truly nail his style of writing. Hell, Georg’s story even has the same style annotations that he used at the bottom of the pages, to help build discworld and cram even more jokes in. Admittedly, it’s arguable how effective this is when one doesn’t have a bottom of the page to quickly jump to, instead having to quickly scroll to the bottom of the story to find out what was being said, but when the story weighs in at only slightly over two thousand words, it’s not that big of a quibble.
A short experience it may be, but still filled with solid characters. The Horsemen of the Apocalypse all fit their namesakes (war, famine, etc), but do so in a way very reminiscent of Ronnie Soak, from Thief of Time (i.e. sorta not really but also better than you realise, at the same time). Again, it’s only a couple thousand words, so don’t be expecting massive amounts of character building, but what’s there is very, very solid.
If you like Discworld, but haven’t read this, do that. If you like this, but haven’t read Discworld, do that. In fact, everyone read this and Discworld. You can thank me later.
This story has always held a special place in my heart for a number of reasons. The two big ones being that it was one of the first stories I helped edit. Secondly, that it involves some of my favourite Pratchett characters, the horsemen of the Apocalypse.(*)
This story feels especially bittersweet as the world lost Sir Pratchett earlier this year and this feels like a beautiful homage to him. It’s also a very amusing tribute to another Pratchett-esque story called Binky Pie where Death’s horse Binky needs a break and his ancestor takes up the bridle.
War, Famine, Pestilence and their steeds are all here in full glory and hilarity as they grumble and discuss amongst themselves whether editors and pre-readers are truly worth the time they take from other pursuits in life.
This is arguably a story where nothing happens, but that’s really selling it short. This piece is meant to be character driven and from the very beginning they take the reins and run. Every character is dazzling and larger than life from Famine’s constant search for something to eat, while his horse displays it’s impressive ability to consume anything, to War’s complaint of how Death’s writing will lower his standing and mean he’ll never be able to get a decent fight again.
When Pinkie shows up, she does so in her usual bombastic fashion and manages to aggravate, placate and pontificate in true Pinkie style. She fits in seamlessly with these characters and never lets their more unpleasant aspects slow her down.
Since this is a Pratchett tribute it does contain footnotes in his natural erudite and amusing style.(1) They are handily located at the bottom of the story. My usual method is to copy paste them into a notepad file I can then consult as needed, but ctrl-f can work well too. You can also fully ignore them as they’re not needed to fully enjoy the story.
This is a truly beautiful sweet story about the troubles friendships can bring when your writing choices come into play and definitely not one to be missed.
(*) Or Apocralypse, your pick.
(1) Much like this review! I’m so witty.
When Scootaloo is summoned to her family's lands in Marexico, she and the other Crusaders will be needing some adult supervision... also Spike tags along. When a foolish mistake places all of their lives in danger, can Spike keep it together long enough to keep everypony from killing each other?
Sometimes, when setting the scene for a story, authors are tempted to spend a whole chapter trying to explain how events came to be the way they are. These “prologues,” as we call them, are usually a boring waste of time that assume the reader is an idiot and he needs the situation fed to him before he’ll accept it. Good authors avoid them.
But CiG, doesn’t your latest story have a prologue? And doesn’t it explain to the reader how events—
Look, what matters is that you should skip the boring stuff. Just dive right into the action, the meat of the story. Novice authors often forget the meat, which is why it’s so nice to see an author working on one of his first stories do something like this:
“So, ah know it’s kind of late in the trip for me to be askin’, but it’s buggin’ me,” Apple Bloom commented. “Ah git why Big Macintosh is here, and ah git why Rarity’s here, too; but why’s Spike comin’ with us?”
Spike frowned deeply. “I already explained it,” he sighed. “Twilight said we could both use a vacation from each other, and she figured this would be a good opportunity for that.”
Well, there we go. Now we know why the whole crew in “Dos Marejeres, Un Palomino” are on their way south to Marexico to meet the distant father who abandoned Scootaloo as a small foal, and so begins a snickering comedy from one of my favorite new writers, King of Beggars.
KoB’s been on FimFic for a little over a year, so he’s not green by any stretch. But in that time he’s published three long-form stories and a dozen shorter works, spanning the range from romance to shipping to comedy to one particularly bleak “what if?” story about changelings and love. He’s one of those authors who understands the little things, like point of view and pacing, that separate the good writers from the exceptional.
But Dos Marejeres, Un Palomino was one of his first stories. So, how does it hold up?
The answer is: very well. It’s a comedy about love, murder, thwarted ambition and the ludicrous exchange rate between Mexico and the United States—er, Marexico and Equestria.
The artwork is of Spanish Scootaloo, which is wonderful, and the text itself is about Scootaloo’s voyage toward filthy riches, but the story doesn’t belong to her. Spike is the main character here, the lovable cynic who watches the rest of his friends slowly succumb to the madness that haunts the Scootaloo family estate.
The other characters – the Cutie Mark Crusaders, Fluttershy, Rarity and Big Macintosh – all play their parts wonderfully well, in a weird amalgamation of the characters we know from the show and the twisted, sensational personalities of the ghosts that slowly overtake them during the story’s course.
Where else could you get lines like this?
“That’s right,” Fluttershy smirked. “You’re hardly the first of your family to have coaxed me into bed.”
“You and my brother?” Scootaloo whispered, dropping the crossbow just a bit.
Mmm, yes. That hits the spot.
Now, are there errors to be found? Certainly. In that quote above we have Fluttershy smirking a line of dialogue, which surely isn’t something authors should be doing. Further up you might have noticed Apple Bloom commenting, and Spike sighing his lines. But this is an early work, and its delicious blend of the comic and the absurd more than makes up for a few piddly errors.
So if you’re in the mood for ponies caught in the throes of hot, Latin passion, you don’t have very far to go. And while you’re at it, perhaps you’ll discover an author whose other works are just as impressive.
This story is a heck of a ride.
First off, you have to know it’s based on Telelatino Novelas. Basically soap operas that actually have endings, though they still have tons of over the top characters and dramatic reveals. Apparently while the subject matter may be mature, like traditional soap operas, nothing really inappropriate it shown, just lots of closeups on people crying, screaming and musical stings.
Since it’s based on a soap opera, it of course has plenty of twists and reveals as the story unfolds, but never makes them feel cheap or out of place. Even when it’s going from announcing that there’s a top of the line tv (20 inches and colour!) to revealing that Azcar has been nursing a hidden fire for another character, it all flows.
Scootaloo sometimes feels a bit out of character for me, but it’s more that I can imagine her fitting more comfortably in the Rainbow Dash Presents universe than the canon universe. Thankfully those moments, when they do crop up, are still incredibly amusing and don’t harm the story at all.
Spike is a major player in this story and really gets to shine. The author really captures his voice beautifully and makes sure we know that while he may be young and small, this dragon is not one to mess with. He gets in over his head, but still manages to guide things to a close in true Spiky fashion.
The other thing that I have to rave about is the caricatures of the characters. Later in the story we end up seeing exaggerated versions of our heroes and they feel shockingly spot-on. They manage to both work perfectly in both contexts of a telenova and garish parodies of the ponies.
In the end, whether you’re a fan of soap operas or telenovas or wish they’d all cease to exist, this story is worth checking out. It’s fully aware of its silliness and never shies away from it. Yet at the same time tells a deeper tale of how ponies can be changed by their surroundings.
STORY 4
Wyrmlysan, by Chris
Prophecy is a dangerous game; meanings which are obvious can become obscure in an instant, and fates are laid bare only in hindsight.
After the fall of Discord but before the rise of Nightmare Moon, a dragon breaks the peace between his race and ponykind, and Princess Luna flies to mete out justice.
Well. Going from cutesy elves, to cutesy pony horsemen, to this story is tonal whiplash so hard I feel like I need to phone my insurance provider. Somber is one way to describe Wyrmlysan. Another would be downright gorgeous to read. The world-building is pretty damn top, too.
I can’t go into much detail about the story itself, save for it revolves around Princess Luna hunting down a dragon that broke ancient oaths, and razed a village. What I can say is that this story delves into complex, discussion-worthy topics, such as the trying to challenge the immutability of fate, seizing one’s destiny, and similarly cerebral concepts.
Set in the ever-so-slightly pre-Nightmare Moon era, it features a certain princess who is very clearly different from the one we’ve seen in the show. To describe her personality as “icy” would be one hell of an understatement. Luna be scary, yo.
Don’t go to sleep.
Luna feels like she’s constantly just inches from unleashing the fury of the void on some poor fool, but only through sheer force of will does she manage to restrain herself from doing so. The tension between her and the royal guard accompanying her is so thick, you could cut it with a knife. Or rather, you could try to cut it with a knife. Then the tension would rip the knife from your grasp and cut you right back.
One thing that took me a while to understand properly was Luna’s Ye Olde Accente. Not in that it’s poorly done. It’s actually pretty solid writing, as far as it goes. More to do with the fact that Luna speaks in ye olde speake, while her guards… don’t, really. It was only after a bit of rumination that I realised that this is completely intentional, on Chris’ part, as it’s yet another way to show how alien Luna is, even a thousand years ago.
It’s pretty clear as to why ponies prefer her sister. And despite what King of Beggars may have implied, it’s not simply because of her butt.
I did a burp! When the moon burps, Jupiter looks on disgusted…
One final thing. While I can’t say what happens in the ending, just let me say it hit me like a swift kick to the gut. The rest of the story is at worst good, and more often great, but the ending really knocked it outta the park. Damn good job, Chris.
You know what’s hard? Writing old-timey English. All those thous, thys, thees, and haths are enough to make a more contemporary-minded’s head spin. It takes a careful, practiced hand not to screw all that up, yet still come across as comprehensible to a modern-day audience.
You know what else is hard?
…
Uh, I was gonna say “writing compelling fantasy.” Geez, leave my Richard out of this, you creep.
Fortunately, we bring you a story by my good fellow Royal Canterlot Library* reviewer Chris, whose appreciation for fantasy literature lends him the necessary experience to pull off this compelling fantasy.
As the description makes clear, this is a Princess Luna story that takes place before her transformation into Nightmare Moon. As you would expect of such a story, there’s a bitterness to her character, a resentment that portends a certain major event we all know is in her future. As you might also expect, that bitterness and resentment takes central stage in this story.
What you don’t necessarily expect is how commanding Luna is. How dignified and awe-inspiring she remains as she strides across the stage of this story, not in spite of her jealousy, but perhaps even because of it.
See, here’s the thing: classical literature is full of backstabbing and petty jealousy, so it can certainly be written with the appropriately epic tone, but Luna’s origin story in the show always made her betrayal of her sister sound more like the product of teenage angst. Now there’s nothing wrong with that; after all, it’s a show for kids and there are a lot of people out there who can readily identify with the trials of being a younger sibling (for the record, I am not one of them). But it does present something of a challenge to the fanfic writer who wants to write pre-Nightmare Moon Luna with a dark tone: how do you keep in line with the canon story without making Luna come across as whiny and immature?
Chris’ answer seems to have been “make Luna as scary as equinely possible,” and holy crap does that do the trick. Not that Luna comes off as unsympathetic, mind you. Early on, you get to see some of the shit she has to deal with being her sister’s inferior and every step of the way you can feel the frustration radiating off of her. But rather than diminishing her character, it just makes her that much more terrifying as she ventures forth, near-goddess that she is, to put a dragon out of its misery.
I don’t want to get too much into the plot, but I would be remiss if I failed to mention this story’s incredible gut-punch of an ending, which manages to both completely defy expectations while also perfectly setting the stage for Luna’s eventual downfall. It might even be this story’s strongest point, which is saying something when we’re talking about a portrayal of Luna that’s this good.
*Well of course I’m going to plug this fandom’s best fanfic reviewing group while I’m here. RCL RULES! ROYALS FOREVER!!!
Ferret tilted her head back and forth. “So, how much brainwashing is too much?”
Plum stroked his British chin. “I guess it’s just a matter of getting them to enjoy it while it lasts. Too much positive reinforcement, and they’ll become addicted. Too much negative, and they’ll never want to work again. We need to strike a balance.”
A voice rang out from off the metaphorical stage. “You could always stuff them in a drawer somewhere!”
“A balance of positive and negative, Sock.”
“That’s exactly what drawers are!”
Turning away, Plum continued, “I suppose if it really becomes an issue, we let them have a glimpse of Pav’s Playroom™.”
“But that place is so much fun!” Ferret sprang into the air with a happy boing. “If we let them see all those bouncy castles and ball pits, they’re never going to want to leave.”
“True, but they’ll also bear witness to Pav’s true form.”
“Oh yeah. That’d do it, all right.”
Plum nodded. “It’s settled, then. Ferret, I think this is the beginning of some beautiful friendships.”
“I’ll get some more burlap sacks!”
Feel free to visit our group for more information and events, and to offer some recommendations for future rounds. See you all next time!
Hey, all! Just to let you know, this is a test-run for a new idea we're working on, that being Temp Angels! Simply put, it's a group of individuals from around the site who we trust enough to be able to feature them in a siteblog. This won't be a common occurrance, as we'll probably mostly use it to help make sure our reviews are released closer to schedule, but it's also an opportunity to hear from people you wouldn't normally do so.
Let us know what you think!
i.imgur.com/bcbY9a2.gif
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Here, have a present.
I like both the idea and the execution of guest reviewers. As for the stories, I have three new things to enjoy and one that's long overdue for my Complete shelf.
Behold! Just as it was foretold in the prophecy, so it has been done.
I read the insinuation that 25k words may be too many to hold peoples' attention and I died a little inside.
King of Beggars with the double combo there! Nice.
I Wish I could Skill Swap his Parental Bond with my Truant.
3501158
Approval. It's always good to get different voices on things and present different interpretations.
That said, another interesting round of stories today. I'll be grinding my butt on some of them for sure.
3501578
CV pls
3501384
No argument here
There is nothing like the sinking realization as you re-read a fic you wrote over two years ago that your writing skills have improved enough to make it almost a requirement to go *back* and fix all those blasted grammar errors you left in your wake.
Thank you all.
ROOOOOOOOYYYYAAAAAAAAALLLLLLSSSS (*gets dragged off yelling and flailing*)
But seriously, this means you'll write our interview on one of the weeks we're feeling too lazy to type, right?
But even more seriously, can confirm Wyrmlysan for excellent (and that's not an RCL thing; I first read it when I competed against it in AugieDog's Luna contest), and that looks like a strong crop of fellow features. Reading material!
3501702
Guest RCL interviewers? I'd be down for that
I laughed way too hard at this.
3501658
No shit, right? Too bad I have a policy about going back and changing anything that's over a week old unless it's truly egregious. My mediocrity shall stand for the sake of posterity.
I was wondering why these stories suddenly got a bunch of new favorites. That makes some sense.
This was a pleasant surprise! Thanks for the kind words, Perry and Plumb--or, as I will henceforth be referring to you, "the P&P boys."
3501640
This site is supposed to have a bookmark feature that does... exactly what it sounds like. Last time I checked, it didn't work properly (as in, at all), but now seems as good a time as any to try it out again.