A list of FimFic Authors in order of how terrified I am to talk to them · 5:42pm Mar 13th, 2016
A long list of names after the break of people who make me feel insecure in the confines of my own brain.
The point should be a lot of these are utterly ridiculous, or at least it should be. There's certainly a lot of names I'm missing, and I could go on for a long time. Kits, for instance, would be up there if he still visited the site.
But they're kind of real, too, and I think that's interesting. It's so weird that seeing someone produce work that you really like suddenly makes them this unapproachable figure to a lot of us, when we obviously have things in common. What made us like their work probably in part was what made them want to write it, and that's usually a pretty cool thing to talk about from both sides of the conversation.
This isn’t so much a rational thing as an emotional thing though. It’s less like a man staring down a bear and more like an eight year old meeting his first clown.
EDIT:Chuck Finley: I worry if we ever met, he'd make me question my heterosexuality and then suplex me. Otherwise, fantastic guy.
RECLASSIFIED SCP AS KETER CLASS -- RESEARCHER'S NOTE: "HE'S TOO POWERFUL TO CONTAIN"
Eakin: I feel dirty just for saying his name. Like, I'm unfit to even type it or draw attention to it. I hope he never notices this. Oh God I'm already getting the terror sweats.
Oh now I'm getting all lightheaded thinking about it. What if the police come for me sullying his goodly name by daring type it? I'll be locked up. Forget even talking to him, just thinking of him is thought crime.
I haven't so much put him on a pedestal as he climbed literary Everest and I carved it out in the shape of one beneath him. One I must never, ever approach again now that I put my tools down.
Bad Horse: Wait, what? He reads this? Really? No. No,that must be some kind of mistake. Unless he noticed me. Did he write my name down in the black book? Strike it out twice?
What?
Three times with the red pen?
Oh god.
Why is he looking at me oh god is he smiling why is he smiling what is he WHY
AM I DEAD?
AM I DEAD AND I JUST DON'T KNOW IT YET?
Cold In Gardez: No. No one encapsulates the Athenian ideal this well. You know the expression "The pen is mightier than the sword?"
Cold in Gardez decided choosing was for pussies and went and mastered both. He can crush your emotions from fifty paces and your skull from... I don't know. No surviving witnesses.
I don't know who his favourite pony is. I fear getting it wrong will result in painful exsanguination. Not because he'll do anything to me, of course, I've seen him in Writeoff events and he's lovely, it's just that the mortification may cause me to embarrass myself to death.
Skywriter: My being a fan of him predates pony. Well sort of. I'm a huge sucker for Narbonic, but I was only put onto that by another Small Equine Enthusiast, by which point I'd already been a huge fan of Contraptionology. But I was a fan of him retroactively before i was a fan of his horsewords if that makes sense?
I don't trust anyone that happy and intelligent. Like, it's one or the other. You can't pick both. You have to cheat at life and hack the dev mode tools to be both but somehow he manages both with unerring aplomb. He terrifies me. Just what else could this man be capable of?
McPoodle: He wrote Voltaire in Equestria in "The Best of All Possible Worlds" and he made it work. Like, shit, that's some scarily superhuman stuff. There's something about a mind that can go; "I'mma take this obscure French philosopher and make him a historically significant figure in Equestrian canon, and I'm going to make it work in the established show timeline" and I just go holy shit I don't know who you are but I am absolutely unworthy. A meeting of the minds would result in mine melted and charred and discarded by the wayside. A meating, if you will.
SleeplessBrony: It's an unsubstantiated rumour, but also completely true, that saying "I find the most erotic part of the woman is the boobies" three times into a mirror will cause him to appear behind you. Don't look, he startles easy, and he doesn't cast a reflection. But he's there. Just allow him to chloroform you and it'll be over quicker.
If he deems you worthy, you wake up in a pile of solid gold pony smut. If not, a bathtub in a cheap Mexican motel with stitches and minus a kidney.
Bookplayer: She's nice. Too nice. What's her angle? I just don't know. Probably shipping. Evil, nefarious shipping, not the good old family fun. And who names their child after an antagonist, I ask you?
She also writes all these wonderful, calm, accessible blog posts about just all sorts of things. She’s obviously trying to start a cult of personality. I don’t trust her. She’s obviously building an army, and then none of us will be able to stop it.
Bradel: I'm sorry, but are you hoarding degrees so you can make a throne out of the frames? There are much cheaper, easier ways to make a throne like that, but no. You had to go and dominate academia with an iron fist. But I shan't bow down to you! Never! I'll fight you in the lecture halls, I shall fight you in the cafeteria, I'll fight you in the libraries but I will never, ever fight you in the physics or chemistry departments because that would end badly for me.
Horizon: There is a serious cognitive dissonance that constantly goes on in my head that echoes between "But I already know we're kind of friends I guess" and "But he's so much cooler than you look at him" and it's absolutely ridiculous, but then again, so am I.
Aragon: Oh we're obviously already friends. But it's like having a mindflayer in your DnD party. Even when you're allied with them, you're just bracing for the moment they destroy your brains and all semblance of your sanity in a mentally-charged frenzy. Though this is more accurate of Aragon than the horrific monster.
GhostOfHeraclitus: He'd be shot right up near the top of the list if I hadn't had a few years of exposure therapy to him under my belt. Now he's just bragging rights, but that’s more for his sake than anything else. He’s a swell chap.
The Descendant: Words cannot describe how much I want to hug this man and have tea with him. He's on the negative side of the list.
My favorite bit about this is that I'm so out of place in this list.
It's like -- Big League, Big League, Big League, Big League, World Champion, and then lil' Timmy, the kid with leukemia instead of arms. And they're all stepping on the boxing ring at the same time.
I'm sure Bookplayer knows kung-fu and she can beat me up without cracking a single drop of sweat, is what I mean.
3805971 And then it turns out that lil' Timmy's an absolute maniac and destroys all of them in one punch?
You're not afraid to talk to me?
CLEARLY I NEED TO TRY HARDER
I like the part where I'm not even on this.
Descy is such a genuinely nice human being
Gardez is pretty great. I think his favorite is RD based on his writing but Twilight is possible.
I'm still intimidated by Bad Horse years after he nuked my first ever feature box story. And also whoever he drops a scholar bomb on me
My fright list is largely similar, with a few extra additions. And by "a few extra additions," I mean almost everyone I meet. I am easily impressed.
3805990
Would never have gotten it from the name...
3805971
She doesn't have to know kung-fu. Haven't you noticed all her posts about the prototype super-solider she's genetically engineered? She named it after an antagonist and is teaching it to love and obey non-humans as part of the conditioning process.
This is a list of amazing writers, to which you are included by many people, including myself. I don't know if I'll ever reach as high as anyone on this list, but you have all created worthy goals to strive for.
3805977 I don't know about these days, but in the past CiG has stated in blogs and story comments that Twilight and Rarity have been alternating as his Best Pony. Twilight because let's face it: she's a sweetheart and a gold mine for the muse; and Rarity, because she is good at heart but has a great capacity to mis-step when her better nature conflicts with her desires.
3806028
Honestly, this blog came out of a conversation I was having with Aragon about us being that for other people, and our mutual... not seeing that in ourselves. We thought that was funny.
3805971
NO WORDS!
Hey, I'm not entirely gay. Check out the last heavenly creature to enter my bed:
40.media.tumblr.com/58d1f71e4298e72e4ec0537edb360c76/tumblr_o3zqsynXnC1sn0jmso1_540.jpg
3806045
I didn't say you were entirely gay. I just said you'd make me question my heterosexuality and suplex me. You just need to be bisexual to do that!
3806051
shit ur right. I like suplexes and all sexes.
EDIT: what do you think of my friend?
3806052
I'll hit you up on messenger. You obviously need to regale me of your conquests.
EDIT: Holy fuck that's his ass god fucking damn it Jesus Christ and now he's coming to suplex me I can't handle this
3806054
YOU'VE BEEN HIT BY
YOU'VE BEEN STRUCK BY
A BI-SEXUAL
3806045
3806054
You can use this to explain foreshadowing to novice writers, holy shit.
#yes, yes you are :D
I am not on this list? What, am I not good enough for you? Or is it because I don't write? Or draw? Or anything for that matter? Huh?
CiG is a cool guy in person. Rather quiet. Good taste in shirts.
3806054
3806059
Beautiful.
*skims list*
Y'know, I can't really relate to this problem. I'm blase about actual celebrities. Horse famous doesn't even register for me :P
3805971 Oh Aragon. Silly, silly Aragon.
Does she really need to know Kung Fu to beat you up?
3806086 I believe it's likely that was the wrong kits, but the original apparently did just stop in!
Edit: Toned down my ego a bit.
3806059 Oooohhhh, that's gotta hurt. Ouch, that's a mean right hook, and that uppercut! I think I just heard a crack! I'm glad I'm up here in the announcer's booth! Oh shit. *whispering* If I don't move it can't see me. Right?
3806028 I have an approximate knowledge of many things
Silly, it's not shipping... I just like to talk to people. Say, have you heard the Good News about Our Pony and Savior Applejack? I have pamphlets!
3805971
Sigh I'm never getting away from my former life as a world class assassin, am I? Look, we all do things in college that we regret...
3806116
<pauses from dusting off his throne of degrees>
Wait, we do?
3806126
You might regret them if you ever left college.
3806143
Ohhhh....
Duly noted.
<resumes dusting>
3806115 Heh, don't we all?
Just sharing what I knew. It's always interesting to me what drives one author vs another, what inspires them. CiG's point of view helped me understand Rarity and like her more than I already did.
3806143 Oh, you cruel, cruel person.
College for many is the cocoon stage of life, where a fantastic metamorphosis takes place and transforms a plebian and pock-faced teenager into a beautiful PhD butterfly, filled with the wisdom of the sages.
Of course, after ten or twenty years in the cocoon, we start to worry. When the student loan debt hits that second comma, we call for an intervention. When you get to the point where your student loan debt is itemized in the list of national assets...
3806145 3806116
Oh, hi! Hello! I was just talking about you two. Oh, dear, you've caught me at a bad time I was just cleaning the place up for you. I mean, the last time I cleaned was... uh... well obsidian hydration dating has been very useful for figuring it out, I'll tell you that much.
*Laughs awkwardly*
One sec, I just gotta go pick up some wine for you both, lemme just run to the store real quick, I'll be right back. Right back. I promise. If you hear panicked screaming running off into the middle distance, that's probably just a magpie.
Funnily enough, I have met Bad H-[REDACTED]
No one. I have met no one.
3806202
Is it divebombing season again?
3806202
... This always seems to happen when I show up with pamphlets.
3806171
See, the secret is to make them pay you for the privilege of having you in their program. And to apply for grant funding, whenever you can get it. And possibly to do a little black-market academics under the table, on a cash-only basis. That may or may not have been how I managed to go to BronyCon last year.
3806202
Well, I would certainly hope so. The middle distance is a uniquely bad place to go to escape the attention of others. If you retreat to the background, you can hide pretty well. If you advance to the foreground, you can position yourself out of frame. The middle distance, though? That's where all the prison spotlights focus in on you, where you can feel the eyes of the world watching you. It's the one place you truly can't escape.
Fortunately for magpies, they're pretty confident animals who stand up well under scrutiny. So I'm sure they wouldn't mind being stuck in the middle distance.
"The Descendant: Words cannot describe how much I want to hug this man and have tea with him. He's on the negative side of the list."
As I count Des amongst my dear friends, this statement is accurate, I've found, for anyone that has had the pleasure of his company. My life is richer for it, as well.
I can only imagine I'm not on this list is because I'm such a personable and kind man. Descended from Olympus on high, but a real down-to-earth, man-of-the-people kind of guy.
Also, you hang out in IRC, so you've seen my balls, figuratively. Takes a lot of the mystique out of your image when you spend all day pitching sexy horse stories and asking why chicken soup smells like white people.
3806483
Yeah, I was keenly aware of your reputation and ready to be nervous around you, when you popped up in that Magello stream and made me discover that there's a lot of Spiderman/MLP porn on derpibooru, fruits of the labour of a very wealthy man.
While the respect for the whole "Twilight of the Royal Guard" thing never went away, I gotta admit -- that killed part of the mistique.
3806116
Please don't take my lunch money this time.
Dude, Skywriter is literally the easiest person in the world to talk to.
D'you know I how I got to be friends with him? By posting 2,000 word critiques about what I thought he wasn't doing right. I barged into a thread about what is probably the single most beloved humorous fanfic on this entire site and told him that the ending didn't work.
His reaction? Made me a pre-reader.
That's how easy to talk to Skywriter is.
I can't fault you for quality on that list. You have listed quite a few of the pony writers whose works have inspired me to improve my own output quality and to refine my writing techniques—though, if I'm to be honest, there's only so much refining you can do with an infinite army of typewriter-wielding monkeys. Just keeping them fed and working is a chore. And don't get me started on the smell.
3806725
A good writer knows the value of a good critic. Skywriter is a damned good writer
3805977 3806028
I can source that CiG favorite pony tidbit, because it came out of his Royal Canterlot Library interview.
Also, Numbers: Hypothetically speaking, would I move higher or lower on that list if you knew that I could hypnotize you into believing I was totally harmless and chill, but hadn't done so yet out of a nagging curiosity over whether I can get people to like me without resorting to such extreme measures? Asking for a friend.
3806116
All hail Applejack, queen of apples!
Or is it Apples?
Not sure how glad I should be to not appear here, given that Aragon managed to squeak in. Then again, if I've managed to get a reputation for being less rage-fueled than my fellow A-name, maybe I should just run with it? :V
McPoodle and I apparently went to the same college and live in the same area. Met him at a tiny convention I helped run a few years back, he's a cool dude. I wish I'd known he was from the area, I would have totally invited him to the writing panel that I did with ShortSkirtsandExplosions and a few other people that kindly skyped in.
This sounds similar to a case of Imposter syndrome. You think you aren't worthy of talking to these people, but you know what, they're just people. For example I have extensively interacted with BronyWriter and Pen Stroke in real life, so I know they are real people. Just talk to them. They won't bite. Mostly. Kkat, Short Skirts, etc. All real people just like you and me. I mean, I'm a generally mediocre author and you're a generally great author, but that doesn't make me a lesser person or anything. Just different.
3805990
I mean, you like most my stories that even I don't like, so yeah.
3806059
3806054 I didn't think I could like Chuck Finley any more, and yet here we are.
3806248
They say you work/study/live at UCI, but I've never seen you at a local brony potluck...
3807760
All information on my residency is actually a lie. I've been trying to keep it under wraps, but I'm really an elaborate hard-light hologram.
Why am I not on this list?