REVIEW: The Coronation of the Reluctant Princess Fluttershy by A British Gentlemen · 11:32am Apr 20th, 2016
I use color in my reviews now. Here's what they mean so you don't get confused:
Blue- Important detail/Pay attention
Green- Good/Do it
Red- Bad/Don't do it
REFERENCES
DESCRIPTION
Princesshood.
The dream of many a filly, young and old. The glamour! The power! The fortune! The fame! The eyes of millions, looking upon them with awe and admiration. Many ponies have yearned for this.
Fluttershy is not one of those ponies.
Bit of a problem, that.
CONTENT RATING
Everyone
GENRE(S)
Comedy, Slice of Life
CHARACTER(S)
: Rarity; 
: Fluttershy; 
: Angel
CHAPTER(S)
1
WORD COUNT
2,081
PLOT
When Fluttershy gets up in the morning to find that she's an alicorn, Rarity hears her screams for help and tries to help her. Then there's a coronation. :| (Well, that's basically what happens.)
ANALYSIS
[1] Mr Fuzzycock [2]
I can't link this since we're on Fimfiction, but when I typed it in the Google search bar... something came up. Look up "The Tuggie."
Let me tell you what happens:
Fluttershy wakes up to find that she is an alicorn for no reason in particular. Did she suddenly gain some new found power? Did she complete a friendship lesson that was the most important lesson of them all? Did she have a one-night stand with Princess Celestia (possibly)?
I tend to criticize comedies more than any other genre because (a) I grew up being a senseless comedian and I'm now studying the art of comedy (b) just because a story has that Comedy tag, it doesn't mean that the story gets special privileges you don't get in other stories. Many slapstick comedies/comedians (Monty Python, Family Guy, Mr. Bean, etc...) use a way of senseless comedy, but in a way, it's comedy that has reason. The reason is because it's actually funny. It's funny for the fact that it's brilliant. Not senseless. This story don't make much sense.
The grammar structure tends to waver back and forth like English isn't the writer's first language (He's kinda British, so...).
'My wings feel different. Like they've grown' she she shrugged mentally
Honestly, the whole sentence should've been highlighted, but I decided to narrow it down to:
My wings feel different. Like they've grown, she shrugged
There are clearly more errors in this sentence than meets the eye, but this is as far as I'll narrow it down to. Now, when you have a character think, you don't use a single quotation to signify that. Instead you do one of two things: italicize or don't italicize. Italicizing thoughts in writing is very common, but some writers will avoid it in a story because it's part of the style (Harry Potter and I believe but I'm not sure that The Shining does it); same as how some author's will use single quotation instead of double quotation (books such as A Clockwork Orange, A Tale of Two Cities, and Lord of the Rings use that style). And honestly, if you're going to try to write a story that uses at least a few big words, make sure they're (a) words that go together (b) correctly placed (c) used in coherent sentences.
Once you get pass grammar, that won't exactly mean you're in the clear. Trust me, I may not have the viewers to prove it, but I've written enough words from my computer and into stories to say that I'm actually experienced, so thus, I've studied the ways of writing. After you write for a while, you discover that grammar is barely the milk in your batter. If you're going to make batter, you need to add eggs. This is where the plot comes in.
The plot is redundant. I wouldn't have a problem with it if the author explained why Fluttershy was an alicorn. After she looks into the mirror, events transpire to pointless scenes that build up to absolutely nothing but a coronation that we never even foresaw happening (title doesn't count, you could at least make a reference to it in the story so it doesn't sound so incredibly pointless in the end). Example: Why was Rarity the character of choice in this story? What was the point with the author taking time to explain Rarity hearing Fluttershy's scream for help? What was the point of the scene where Rarity confronted Fluttershy? Why does the author include all of this if he decided to put a period before the finale word of the? sentence
Now let's flour up that batter! The story needs to be on point. I'm okay if the author just decided to write it within an hour (I actually support that form of transaction; I think with a little experience you can write a good improvised story in a short amount of time, just put the characters in a certain situation and have them react the way they would react [which the story technically does, so I should probably give it props for that {but just remember that the characters tell the story, you don't; well, maybe unless you're J.R.R Tolkien, of course}]) as to not kill time. But if you write a story within the hour, that story you write should be the 1st draft. It's a simple outline where you can add more blocks to the tower your building. After the 1st draft, at least attempt a 2nd draft. After you read your 1st and/or 2nd draft, make sure everything's in the right place. If it all makes sense, then you have permission to draw the final outline of your building block tower.
Let's put that batter in a pan and shove it in an oven now, shall we? This is where logic plays a role. I basically explained this in my statement about the plot, but I'll abbreviate it some more here. I already said — twice — that Fluttershy is an alicorn for no reason. But what the heck is going on with the structure of the story?
Ding
Oh look at that, the cake is ready. Now all we have to do is smother it in frosting. That's the structure of the cake.
Coming from a guy who gets repetitively told that he uses a great structure for — let's say — groups, I have reason to say that while there is potential in this story having a good structure, it falls short because of its scene skips. Every time the story skips a scene, we're met with this:
...
1. Like the sounds of children at play, birdsong is quite lovely providing one did not inquire into what exactly the birds were sing about.
2. Some ponies had a habit of snickering when they heard her greet him. It was quite baffling really. She had asked Rarity about it once, but her friend had nearly choked on her Earl Gray and the topic was dropped.
...
What does this have to do with the story? When I said that the story has potential for a great structure, this is what I meant! You can do this, just make it all add up in the end! What if you're writing a horror story? This would be a perfect suspense builder! The protagonist is exploring a haunted mansion and meanwhile this is going on:
...
1. Tiny droplets of blood trickled from overhead the elevator, and a wave started to peak just as the door began to slide open.
2. Rumple Grumble didn't notice that the knife was missing from its holster until the mysterious figure was right behind him.
...
In my opinion, you can use this as an interesting way to write foreshadowing in a story. If anything, I'm a tad jealous. But you gave me an idea anyway! (I used up my emoji limit; just imagine it as a : heart :)
RATING
Four Spike Mustaches - Six Unsure Sweeties
Total: 4/10 (needs work)
Not Recommended
(poor structure; grammatical errors; redundant plot and setting; pointless story innuendos; illogical; potentially good structure)
SUGGESTIONS
Read a book. That's it. Just read a book. You'll get the basic analysis on how to write "good words." Oh, and your structure, work on that too. As a guy who's been told a million times he has a good structure, I can give you this piece of advice: The best structure is a detailed structure. If you add a specific detail to your structure, make sure it makes sense and fits the story. I'm actually writing a fic where I bring my structure method into play to tell a mind blowing story. It's actually starting to become my writing method. A good story structure is on point and means something. I do think that the way you (yes, I'm referring to the author as you now) went in with the scene skips would be a great idea for a much larger story — you can have something going on in a couple of paragraphs and then you can tell us about something else that's going on in just three sentences. I'm not the Stephan King of literature or reviews, but authors like him are known for their structure. So I suggest these two book by him, and for you:
On Writing a Memoir of the Craft- It's brilliantly written, has a great structure, and — let's face the facts — you can't get better advice from anywhere else. Stephan King is on point with how he functions in writing. He basically says throughout: If you want to be a good writer, you have to write a lot and read a lot. You can't be a good writer and watch TV all day.
The Dark Tower Series- I only got a few pages into the first book before I had to put it down to focus on other books, but from what I hear, this is his most visually stunning work. Right now I have Wolves of the Calla (the fifth book) in my possession, but I'm not sure if I should read it until I've read the first. Just sayin'.
Here are some other books to recommend:
The Harry Potter Series- This would be a great read for readers just starting out. Each book slowly progresses into a more well-written and sinister tone. As you progress through the series, you'll find that each book is slightly more detailed than its predecessor.
...that's it? Nothing else to recommend? Gosh, I do need to read more.
Don't suppose you'd do a request? Specifically.... My Flagship story. It's really long and my spelling eats, but people seem to like it. And since I'm doing a semi-sequel, I thought that a review would be good for me and the fans of the story.
Be brutal, if you say yes. Again, it's quite long, my spelling and Punctuation eat. But I am really proud of it.
Here it is. If you're interested.
This is very in-depth and critical. I love the effort you put into this. I've never had a story reviewed, but come the day I earn such a privelege, I would want it executed in this fashion.
Good work!
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3883635
I'll see what I can do!
3883658
Sounds like a plan.