Tip o' Whenever I Feel Like (More Specific)

In a lot of my critiques, I tell ponies to "Show, not Tell". Here's how.

First, we need a situation. Let's use Pinkie-Pie.

Pinkie-Pie is baking a cake.

Then, let's give Pinkie-Pie some emotions around baking a cake.

Pinkie-Pie is excitedly baking a cake.

Now, lets show that Pinkie-Pie is excited. Here we think, "What would an excited Pinkie-Pie do?"

Pinkie-Pie jumped up and down excitedly, baking a cake.

Here is a simple show statement; we can more easily picture Pinkie-Pie being excited because she is jumping up and down. Lets add some more.

Pinkie-Pie jumped up and down repeatedly. The timer ticked and tocked, ticked and tocked; its arrows coming closer together. The aroma of a freashly baked cake filled the room. The timer hit the bell. "My cake is finished," squeeked Pinkie-Pie.

Here are several show statement, including sight (Pinkie-Pie jumping up and down), sound (ticked and tocked), and smell (The aroma of a freashly baked cake filled the room.) These all added to the excitement in the scene, without telling the reader of the excitement Pinkie-Pie was feeling. As it is with my style, I prefer to use objects in the room to add emotion to the story, which is clearly seen with the addition of the timer. Now because I want to emphasize this part in the story, I will add more discription.

Pinkie-Pie, covered with flour and chocolate, jumped up and down repeatedly, with a wide, gleaming smile. An egg with black notches slowly twisted, emitting a "tick" and a "tock", a "tick" and a "tock"; its arrows coming closer to pointing at each other. The room was filled with a thick, sweet aroma that would have filled a young filly's belly with one breath. Ding! "My cake is done," squeeked Pinkie-Pie.

Now, don't over do this. I would only add this level of discription if this part was extreemly important. Also, when doing this, keep the show statements pointing in one direction until the action-reaction phrase is resolved or pushed aside. Do this, and you will be one step closer to amatuer.

Always Sincerely,

The Music Man