Message #1 · 10:40pm Feb 7th, 2017
Recently my heart was broken by rejection (but not from a girl, okay?)
And well it seems like I've been broken one too many times.
That event lead to something much worse, a breakdown and explosion.
Instead of trying to be nice and holding back any and all mean negative thoughts my inner demon/ monster jerk side of me was released, the one that has felt 10 years of pain, sorrow, agony and despair. 10 years of bad days, so yeah, he has a lot of anger to get out.
So much so that I literally do not care for anyone anymore, not you, not my friends, not even my fucking 'family' (can you call them family if you hate them and actually want to kill them AGAIN?)
You could LITERALLY die right now and I wouldn't give a shit.
In fact I don't think I would have any remorse or guilt for anything I did, I could do something like punch you, kill your pets, or even you and I probably wouldn't feel a thing.
So congrats, you just made a psychopath with thoughts of suicide, death, killing others, and tendencies to natural anger and aggression through shouting very loudly and letting their thoughts and ideas come out unfiltered.
Thanks a lot, thanks a lot, you should feel real proud of yourself right now because you poked the monster one too many times, let the best out of its cage, and finally let the snake bite you, good job.
Anyhow thankfully my more dominant 'sane' reasonable side with logic is still in control, but I don't know, something could happen that could make it worse and make me breakdown and explode even more violently in the future.
And that's why I'm still 'sane' and therefore can express my thoughts and feelings and ideas, not that anyone has ever cared before or really truly listened.
Seriously.
And that's because I think that silent people (like myself) are the MOST dangerous potential criminals and villains, because we don't ever really say what we truly think if we think that no one ever really cares or listen, we just keep it in, remain cool and calm until we've been broken one too many times and then we finally explode and unleash everything that we've felt until we're finally satisfied that people have heard us and understand and that it is just.
We don't very easily come to anger or violence, but when we do it is NEVER good.
And the sane logical reasonable ones, they're even more dangerous, because they can think about what they want to do, who they want to kill, what they want to say, who they will attack, they plan, they wait, they slowly go insane and crazy just like everyone else.
You see monsters, criminals, villains, they aren't made in a day, sometimes it can take years, maybe even a decade... just like me perhaps if something doesn't change because I think that no one cares anymore, not you, not my family, not my friends, not my teachers, the whole entire world too, which is why I go tell them that they can fuck themselves.
Yeah, seriously, go fuck yourselves right now if you're not going to really truly listen to me.
Because if I or any other silent person has to be violent to make our voices heard than that's not good.
My whole entire life I've just wanted to fit in somewhere, be part of a group, be loved, do something that made me happy, and very recently I felt that this site was that group, that writing was that thing, but I still didn't feel accepted or part of the community/ group.
People still didn't understand me, and then I was invited join this collab.
I said yes, but very recently I was asked to leave and kicked out.
At first I was okay with it, but then the explosion and breakdown came eventually because I have a delayed reaction to my emotions and feelings, and sexual stuff (and even jokes sometimes) too.
Because of this event it shifted my thoughts, ideas, attitude, and maybe even personality 180 degrees.
Instead of trying to be nice at school I said some very unkind things, have been disrespectful, and even have a detention now, so thanks Novel Idea, thanks a lot, and thank you too world, you wanted a monster and guess what? You have one now, good job.
Anyhow, I'm not mad at him, or you, or my family or teachers, nah.
I AM FURIOUS
I have so much anger, so much hate, so much wrath that I just want to unleash.
I want to scream and shout.
I want to punch something.
I even have thoughts of killing something, that's how bad it's gotten at this point.
And before this I had thoughts of killing myself too because of depression.
And worst of all I don't care because that's always sort of been my attitude since I was 8.
Yeah, I know I have problems, a very serious anger issue, can't love or trust people anymore or care about them, I don't try to deny it because I don't like lying to myself, I just don't care.
And yes, I actually could care even less.
The world is cold and cruel and unjust, and no matter what I try to do or say people are NOT willing to change, and if they do it's VERY slowly.
And that's fine with some things, but not for being a decent human, if you can't be your best than maybe I SHOULD KILL myself, maybe I should just let death come because I'm not afraid of it, I'm more afraid of becoming a monster and hurting others rather than death.
And that's the nice good sane part of me still speaking, imagine what would happen if I did embrace my feelings, thoughts, and ideas completely, I could be a criminal or killer, I could hurt people or worse.
I don't know what would happen, but it would NOT be very good.
And worst of all, the other guy, he wouldn't care what happens to you or other or even my family.
He has no feelings of regret and remorse or guilt, no joy, no sadness, no sorrow, only pain and hate.
And his attitude is infecting my better self online and in the real life too since my thoughts and ideas are gradually becoming less filtered and I just blurt out the open honest brutal cold cruel truth.
I separate him from my more dominate self and I have been trying to hold him back for years, but now he's free and here to stay.
I just hope that you can accept the person that I try to be on both my good and bad days, and if you don't then the other me will make you FEAR ME instead!!!
I just hope that someone hears this, that someone can help me through this, because before my worst fear was just actually talking to someone that I knew in real life and not some complete stranger online.
If I don't then maybe death really would be the best option, after all, I would rather die than live as a monster with all my thoughts, ideas, and stories that I still have to and want to write.
That's all for now.
Though you may not care for anyone at this time, I, at least, shall continue to care for you.
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The message has been updated, please read it.
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That update changed a lot of content. But my original statement still stands. Or, at least, the general basis it was built upon.
And to think that tomorrow's my birthday...
You seem lost...I can't give advice despite me going through exactly what you did, since I got out of that situation through sheer luck. I found solace in the worlds I immersed myself in, these worlds were a step in the right direction for me however small. Then I found just the right world and people that made me feel like I belonged and no matter the circumstances they never abandoned me, however, since my grades in school weren't that great at that time my mother saw fit to motivate me by cutting me off. This brought upon a depression for me, kind of like how you were before your decent from depression to rage. I eventually was transferred to another school, a private school where everyone knew each other since it was relatively small. I was an outsider and soon of course like all schools there were bullies and as the new kid they saw me as a perfect target. Strangely enough that was when I snapped and was saved from it at the very same time. I slammed this bully's head into a locker a teacher caught me doing it, but instead of selling me out...he said we were practicing karate, and the teacher bought it. After that we became best friends and he never bullied again, I was finally part of a group of real people no longer isolated. Soon however we parted ways since my mother decided to send me off after the second year there, but luckily enough I found a way to continue and keep in touch with them.
This was my story, yours has no happy ending, but that's because it has yet to end. I won't elaborate further since my life is not important.
Can I say something? If I can't, stop reading this just tell me and remove the comment (this comment), if yes then I'll tell you my experience with this fucking world. I wanted to kill myself many many many MANY times because no one didn't know I even existed. Even my family was like that. I had no friends, well I had a friend, a FRIEND I thought who left me when I needed him most. I was broken, empty, didn't know what to do, where to go. I was lost. I wanted to kill myself but I couldn't for some reason. I don't really know why, it's not like anyone cares about me and even you probably about this comment. I wanted to give up, let my inner demons out, I did and I don't want to do it ever again. I know the world is a fucking awful place where nothing is like it's supoused to be and that's true, unfortunatley. But I coped with it somehow and you should to, there are some people who care for you, and you can find out tomorrow. Like you said, it's your birthday tomorrow and I'm from Croatia so it's 3 in the morning so I'll say it now. Happy birthday :) I really hope that ment something to you.
Correct me if I took this the wrong way, but let me give you a bit of advice.
Going through depression and suicidal thoughts is some bad shit, I get it, but thinking that there's no room for anything other than hate is worse. Ending it all will get you no where but six feet under, it may seem like the hardest thing to do, to take your own life. It's not. The hardest thing to do, is to keep fighting, push through and make a victory. Prove to everone that you're not some peice of dirt beneath their shoe. Prove your worth to them, prove it to yourself, that you can do it. Because once you're on the other side, you can look back and think 'wow, I was held down, but I fought and rose above.' Taking your life is the easy option, the cop out. It may sound a bit harsh, but that choice is for the weak. Don't make people fear you, make them envy your strength, make them idolise your ability to fight such a heavy hitter like depression and win. You don't even have to do it for others, do it for yourself.
Stick around Mr Allan, you never know how your life can change
Sincerely
- Note.
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I'm better now, I just needed to say my thoughts and of course I knew death was the easy way out, but thanks anyways.
4414226 Anytime bruz.
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You have my support.
You have my support. Whoops, put it twice.
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Noted
Many ways to die at any given moment (General and Specific(
And then there's (when I saw) this.