Starlight Makes Important Discoveries · 12:16pm Jun 24th, 2018
Twilight Sparkle danced into the castle kitchen, a smile on her lips and a song in her heart. She gave her head a little shake, tossing her bangs about like a filly showing off her new manestyle.
“Good morning, Starlight!” she chirped, seeing her friend with a stack of loaded pancakes. She skipped around the table, snagging a spare blueberry from the edge of the plate and snapping it up. A note of whipped cream graced the sweet fruity taste. Perfect.
Everything was perfect. She giggled a little giggle, spun in a circle, and headed toward the stove to see if Spike had made any extra pancakes for her.
“Somepony’s in a good mood today,” Starlight observed. “You find a new book?”
“Better!” Twilight blushed at the blasphemous thought – better than a book!? – but it was true. She hadn’t felt so giddy in years, and to think it was all because of something so silly. “I was at the esoteric flea market earlier, looking for a fresh ampule of gloom ink, when—”
“Oh, did you get spider legs? Remember last week when I said we were out of spider legs and you said you thought there was a mare who sold them every-other Tuesday but you hadn’t seen her in a few months and maybe she didn’t come to the Ponyville esoteric flea market anymore but you’d keep an eye out in case—”
“Yes, yes. I remembered.” Twilight dug through her saddlebags and pulled out two wax-sealed cloudy glass vials stuffed with some indiscernible fibrous mass. “There, fuzzy and spindly. Anyway, as I was saying, I was looking for gloom ink, when who should I run into but Thunderlane! And wouldn’t you know it, he was, hehe, excited to see me.”
“Oh?” Starlight took a sip of her orange juice. “Why?”
“No, Starlight. Excited.” She waggled her eyebrows.
“Oh. Oooh!” Starlight blushed. “Really.”
“I shouldn’t be so surprised, I suppose. It is spring, and I have been working out a lot. You know, walking more. I think it’s really starting to show in my figure.” She struck a little pose, nearly tripping on her hooves in the process. “And not just him! Every stallion I ran into was having the same problem.”
“Yeah, it’s a weird side-effect,” Starlight said. “I haven’t figured out what’s causing it yet.”
Twilight barely heard her. “Anyway, I’m going to go back out a bit, I think. Oh, I should wear one of those saddles Rarity made for us. The little black one, maybe?” She trotted off through the kitchen door, down the hallway, stopped, turned around and returned to the kitchen. “Hey, that thing you said. Could you say it again?”
Starlight had a mouthful of pancake, and swallowed it before responding. “What thing?”
“You said something about a side-effect.”
“Oh, right!” She took a swig of her orange juice. “Priapism. It’s a weird side effect I haven’t solved yet. It’s harmless though.”
“A—” Twilight stopped and ordered her thoughts. “A side-effect of what?”
“An experiment I’ve been working on.” Starlight clapped her hooves together. “I was going to keep it a secret and tell you later, but I guess the cat’s out of the bag! I’ve developed a ritual that makes ponies friendlier! They’re happier, more sociable and less neurotic! Once I finish testing it we’ll be able to share it across Equestria! Can you imagine how many ponies it can help?”
“That, uh… really? You made a spell that makes ponies friendlier?” Twilight gawped at her. “That’s not real friendship!”
“It’s as real as Princess Cadence helping ponies fall in love,” Starlight said. “I even based the spell off of her notes.” She paused. “You know, I wonder if that’s linked to the side-effects? It makes sense, now that I think about it.”
“That’s different! Cadence is the princess of love! Making ponies fall in love is her thing!”
“Yeah, well, maybe making ponies be more friendly is my thing.”
Twilight sighed. All her happy thoughts from the morning stroll began to evaporate. “But an experiment? Really? How did you even get ponies to agree to that?”
Silence. Starlight took a long drink from her orange juice.
There it was. The first headache of the day, taking root right behind her horn. Twilight closed her eyes. “Please tell me you got ponies’ permission before using this spell on them.”
“Well, I don’t see why I would do that. It would ruin the experiment!”
“You can’t just test spells on ponies without their permission! That’s unethical!” Twilight shouted. “They have to know the risks! They have to give informed consent!”
“No, unethical would be allowing ponies to go one more day without a spell that could be helping them. Haven’t you noticed how much happier ponies who have friends are? How much better society runs when ponies are socially engaged? I remember how lonely I was before I found you girls, and I bet you remember how lonely you were too. If I have the ability to give this gift to everyone in Ponyville, and then everypony in the world, aren’t I obligated to? Think of how much misery we could eradicate with this one simple step. Of course I’m going to test it!”
“You should still ask ponies first,” Twilight said. “Tell them the risks. See if they even want to be friendlier.”
Starlight shook her head. “Yeah, I could. But then ponies might say no. This way is better.”
“And the side-effects? Somepony could be offended!”
Starlight waved a hoof. “They’re harmless. Come on, we’re all adults here, it’s nothing we haven’t seen before. Besides, it doesn’t seem to have offended you.”
Twilight blushed. “Yeah, well, maybe it did!”
Starlight raised an eyebrow.
“A-and what if there’s other side-effects, huh?” Twilight pointed out the window at the bustling town beyond. “You don’t know!”
“That’s what the experiment is for, obviously.” Starlight took another sip of her juice. “So far, though, so good.”
Twilight set her forehead on the table. The cool crystal helped ease the ache behind her horn.
Deep breath in. Slow breath out. “Okay, just one more question.”
“Sure.”
“Was Thunderlane one of the ponies you experimented on?”
“Would… you be happier if I said no?”
Twilight rolled her cheek onto the table and stared at Starlight. “Yes.”
Starlight smiled.
Two days later, after dragging Star Swirl back to Ponyville to help them rewind time and clean up the brains dribbling out of the test subjects' ears, Twilight just looked at Starlight.
"Okay, fine. Maybe controlled laboratory conditions are a better test environment for psychomantic effects."
"And?"
"And maybe I should only use a few test subjects at a time."
"And?"
"... and I should just wrap a few ponies in a telekinetic aura and say I'm casting the spell so we can test for placebo effects?"
"No! Well, yes, obviously, but permission, Starlight! If ponies had actually known why this was happening, maybe they wouldn't have burned down Quills and Sofas."
"They were clearly irrational at that point. I don't think it would've made a difference."
Twilight just groaned.
(In all seriousness, it's a fascinating philosophical conundrum, but between Starlight's track record and the terrible testing procedures, I know something's going to go wrong.)
Poor Starlight! She just wants to help; really she does! She just keeps forgetting that you can't make them do what you want them to do.
Good intentions pave the road to Tarterus, unfortunately.
At least Twilight had a good morning!
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What are you talking about, I have an amazing track record.
Is there a bug going round?
Starlight, we're far too much alike.
Soon there'll be a new store in Ponyville, "Strollers and Anvils"
If your friendliness lasts longer than 4 hours, please consult a physician.
I was just about to say, I sure hope that one side affect of too much friendliness doesn't show up in 11 or 12 moons. I mean really mind altering magic isn't a toy, and there is a reason even EMTs have to ask if you want treatment.
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Yeah, because they'll get the pants sued off them if they don't. Fear keeps medicine in line, not ethics or professionalism.
Blog stories from CiG and GAP about Twilight learning what magical mischief Starlight's been up to complete with Spike, pancakes and spiders? Yes please!
Awww.
For just a little while, Twilight thought she was hot.
"I don't know. Maybe Rainbow Dash is right and I should cut my bangs..."
Hmm. Fimfiction seems to be acting up.
I can't save this story in my Library.
Did...did Starlight just do a Tuskegee style experiment in Ponyville?
Interestingly, something similar could actually be possible in humans. Williams syndrome is a rare genetic disorder caused by a deletion in a segment of chromosome 7. The syndrome is associated with a number of developmental issues, but among the most salient is that people with Williams syndrome are extremely friendly:
https://news.nationalgeographic.com/2017/07/williams-health-love-genetics-books/
These behaviors may be caused by the production of excess oxytocin in the brain of individuals with Williams syndrome. Assuming we can figure out a way to induce Williams syndrome (e.g. through developing drugs that block some of the enzymes involved in oxytocin production that are deleted in Williams syndrome or just CRISPRing out some of the same genes), then you could have Starlight Glimmer's magical friendliness spell. Of course, Williams syndrome is also associated with some other side effects, like congenital heart problems and mild to moderate intellectual disabilities, but these may just be a small price to pay for making the world a friendlier place.
Interestingly, when researchers have compared the DNA from dogs and wolfs to narrow down the genes involved in domestication, some of the same genes involved in dog domestication are also involved in Williams syndrome (http://www.sciencemag.org/news/2017/07/what-makes-dogs-so-friendly-study-finds-genetic-link-super-outgoing-people). So, if one wanted to produce genetically "domesticated humans," there is a recipe out there.
Starlight looked the small, bespectacled stallion up and down. “What’d you say your name is again?”
“Double Blind, Miss.”
“And Twilight hired you to oversee any experiment I want? Anything? And I just get a simple report when you’re done?”
“Well yes, but—“
“Here’s a spray gun and a ticket to Manehattan. Thanks!”
I like these dueling blog posts you and Jaxie have going on.
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You should join us! There's a few rules:
1. Each vignette should make it clear that Starlight is the best pony, bar none
2. Uh...
3. Something about Twilight Sparkle
4. Crap, I could've sworn there was more
5. Okay I guess there's just the one rule, but it's really important
4889433
Great, count me in!
...oh wait, unstated #6 you have to write something. Nerts.
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See, that there is why people are terrified of crispr. The idea of "domesticated humans" is legitimately terrifying, yet slightly alluring at the same time. Just enough for some enlightened idealist or evil dictator to see the advantages in it.
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I see somebody entered a story in the latest Writeoff!
4892747
In my ideal world, I would just whine and complain for a long time and then someone would say something that would magically untie all the amazingly complicated knots I've got myself worked into w/r/t artistic anxiety. Also no one would get sick of me whining and complaining.
None of this is likely to happen, so, baby steps. I have to start believing that a dumb little few-hundred word drabble with serious uncorrectable flaws is better than not trying at all, and that's a paradigm that is very hard for me to accept.
Still, to quote Sondheim and Lapine, I made a hat where there never was a hat.