Venting · 12:49am Dec 20th, 2018
Those who know me know that I'm a calm, kind, understanding, and pretty cool guy. But I'm not above feeling frustration and anger. This is meant to get some of those feelings out permanently.
There's a reason I created Ironheart. He's what I'd want to be. He's my one point where I could empty my hate and my cruelty and my melancholy. But he's gone now, and now I don't have any other point to display all of my faults.
People can suck. Sometimes I look at the sheer amount of smug, self-impotent idiocy some people have and I want to hurt them for it. Like, Ironheart levels of hurt. Like, strap them down and chisel their teeth out with a ballpoint pen. Then knee them in the ballsack. Then kick them while they're on the ground.
I'd get these urges to kick people down the stairs if I was behind someone I didn't like. I'd also get the urge to unleash a deluge of swear words on the people who I've had it with, even though none of you have ever seen me swear. I'd want to bash their heads onto metal poles and hurl them to the ground, bleeding and leaking tears from their hot eyes.
People can suck. They think of the most hurtful things they can do to others and exploit it in any shape they can. Ideals are cast aside to mock and ridicule those who are different from them. Fat, filthy, gluttonous dull-headed beasts of burden. I'd like to put a stop to it. I sometimes get the urge to hurt smaller children who are being massive cunts. Like, smack 'em across the face and give a simpering smile at them as they start to cry as hard as they were making other people cry.
There's such a lack of humanity in this world populated by humans. They don't believe in love or tolerance. They hurt because they want to annoy us. They already decide they're better than others because they believe in something more plausible, and they dare us to challenge them, in their smug and self-righteous attitudes. "I dare you to make me think any differently. That's right. You can't. I'm right. You're wrong. You suck, you little bastard. Why are you so stupid? Open your eyes already!" It makes me want to fight against the entire world because the world is wrong. Scorn and rejection plague every corner of the world, and I would like to be the one to stop that. Burn it out of people's systems by turning them into glowing stubble.
So I want to hurt people. I get that fleeting thought, this impulse to deck people across the face because they demand the impossible from me. Thinking about this I feel mad, and sad, and I want to succumb to this desire, but I can't, because I was taught better than that. I'm supposed to love and tolerate, and to love my enemy as myself.
But here's the thing: if I don't like myself, because I know I underperform and I'm not the smartest or the most articulate and I want to change my past actions but I can't, and I'm not supposed to be having these dark thoughts--If I don't like myself for those reasons, then is it okay to hate someone else as much as I hate myself?
I really don't. Like myself, I mean. Or at least, what I've done. I look at my mistakes and actions in the past and say, "That's been with me my entire life. That's going to impact me whenever I remember it and what it gave me." How am I going to fix that? People love me for who I am, I know that, but if I say that about myself, then people won't like me anymore.
This is stupid. This is all stupid. I hate...I don't even know what I hate. I hate something. Oh, right, people. The natural man inside all of us.
I know how you feel. I often times have similar feelings and there are some days where I would love to smack people solely because they exist, and that is on a good day. Back when I wrote the "Colgate's Practice" series, that is when I was at my worst. That was pretty much me having Colgate fulfill everything I wish I could do and get away with it....yes, my thoughts and desires can get that bad.
I think venting all of this was probably good for you. Sometimes it is good to get things off your chest and I must say, you worded things very well. Probably better than I could. My advice, if you ever get to feeling like that again, write a good gorefic full of violence and hatred, it will make you feel much better.
I can understand your frustration with the world, as well as your problems with your self-esteem. This is all very relatable for me, and I once had similar anger problems as well. I’m not sure why that changed for me, but it just comes and goes for me. However, one thing that I find helpful is to try and focus on the people and things in the world that are good, and remember that you are not supposed to fix everything, as that would take more than most, or indeed, anyone can accomplish. Try to find the things that are the best, and hope that everything else gets better. That’s all I can think of, but I’m no expert, and that’s all mostly from my own experience, which is probably significantly different from yours, and I’m not good at writing this kind of thing, so it might not have made complete sense. I hope that was helpful!
I understand what you mean, completely. I can definitely relate as well.
Constantly, I have struggled with anger, depression, stress, and anxiety, especially because of things such as political stuff and how despicable people can be. I too also have so many dark thoughts of wanting to hurt others simply because they annoy me. Sometimes, I even have thoughts of rotting carcasses, with vultures eating them up.
But, that is why I find myself looking to God for help in these circumstances, as well as be more open towards the ones I trust. It helps me to have a sense of calm, control, and limitation, and it helps me to look towards the light of the world more than the dark. I still struggle, of course. But, Jesus has helped me to fight off the darkness lurking inside of me.
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There's a hymn that my family sang tonight that really reflected this issue without even meaning to. It's "Where Can I Turn For Peace?" It talks about how when you're angry or sad or lost in direction, where else do you turn to but God?
I can see where you come from in regards to your self-esteem. It's funny. Because... sometimes.... I know that the things I think about sometimes are wrong, yet my subconscious finds a sick pleasure of me fantasizing myself doing all these horrific deeds. I've always thought to myself, "Does the fact that I think this make me a bad person?"
I don't really express myself in my stories all too much, because the stories themselves are what I use to distract myself from things like this. They say idle hands is the devil's workshop... well for me, it's an idle mind.
But you made Eagle Scout, you write, and did other things. I'm proud of you if no one else is.
Reading this brought tears to my eyes, to know someone as great as you thought so lowly of yourself at any point in time breaks my heart, do you still believe this?
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Not as much as I did back then. That's mostly because I'm living day-to-day and there's no room to look back and regret things. I still don't think I'm special or deserving of as much attention. But I've also somewhat accepted the fact that I'm allowed to feel good, and without reservation.
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You. Are. Special. You always have been and you always will be, you have so many wonderful traits that are as rare as they are grand.
Let's start with the obvious, writing, you're quite gifted in terms of writing most kinds of things, from brutal and edgy, to light-hearted and romantic. This can be seen from simply looking over the stories you've created briefly, you've made stories that I'll never compare to for the rest of my life at 16! They're all great accomplishments that are direct representations of how incredible the one who made them is.
Your sense of humour is fantastic too, you can seemingly make just about anything funny no-matter what it was before.
You are a genuinely nice person, you've told me in the past that you're not that nice but I disagree, you're accepting of the opinions of others and have morals that are commendable, despite how you evidently feel about some people you (hopefully) haven't made my mistake of acting upon your worse thoughts and feelings.
While this is a less prominent feature of yourself you're a genuinely handsome guy (no homo).
I've meant everything I've said in the past and I mean everything I've said now, you're a good, special person Brady, a better person than I am at least, so please just love yourself, please.
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Oh. My. Gosh.
That's totally sincere. I can feel it. I always felt like my mediocrity in social skills, hobbies, and education determined who I am, but you... you believe there's more to me than things like that. I tried to avoid looking at myself too grandly because I wanted to be humble, not prideful. But seeing people actually love me is telling me a different message. Loving yourself is part of the first steps to loving others. Imagine how much better I would be if I always felt satisfied with my efforts!
You're also an amazing person, Yeet. I actually love you. (no homo) It makes my heart swell, hearing this kind of love and support. Why didn't I run into you sooner?!
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I'd like to thank you for some things as well, you've done more for me than you probably realise. I wasn't in the best way when I first stumbled across that blog post, and joking around with you made me feel genuinely better than I had in a while. It's been more of the same since then, every single joke and meme, all the tears of laughter and sadness, every second I've spent reading your stories, chatting with you and reading your blog posts (and the memes) have made me feel better than I have in a while, so thank you Brady, thank you for all the things you've done for me without even realising it.
Just a side note. My real name is Ethan.
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Thank you too, Ethan. I'm Braden.
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Braden? I honestly thought it was Brandon but now that I think about it your name is Bradybunch and not Brandybunch.
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Everyone gets the name wrong at first. You're not the first.
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I'm sorry but I'm afraid I need to go now, I have a meeting about a program I'm in that's going to last for around 5 hours, so I'm afraid I won't be on for a while, have a good night!
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So it's been a few days since this happened and I just wanted to ask how you're feeling, do you feel better?
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Yeah. I kinda forgot about it, to be honest.
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I'm glad to hear that, I'd feel horrible if you went back to how you were before. No-one deserves to feel that way about themselves.
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I worry more about other people than I do myself.
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That's an admirable trait, but I do hope you still love and care for yourself as much as you do others? People like you are an unfortunate rarity and I'd hate to see something happen to you because you worried about yourself too little.
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There's a lot about myself I need to worry about. But I try to work through it one day at a time.
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That's very good, working through stuff like that is almost always a good way to go about things and I'm glad that's what you're doing. I just have one question: what do you think of yourself?
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I think I can always do better, that I always have room to improve.
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That's true for all people, just don't push yourself too hard to improve.
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That's a theme I include in my longest story, actually. One of the characters has an inferiority complex where he thinks he'll never be perfect, but he breaks himself trying to be anyway. It's similar to my own experiences.
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It's something that happens all to often in real life. It's good to know you can always improve, it's better when you strive to do so, but it's terrible when it becomes an obsession. The third happens all too often to those who have the best intentions.
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It's been about a month since this happened, and while I know we're having a chat in the PM's I just wanted to ask how you're feeling.
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Doing great! Sarah is amazing, and my family loves me, and I'm feeling pretty good. School will start soon, though, and I'm taking two online classes, and I'm nervous about my abilities to complete the amount of work.
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I'm sure you'll do fine, you are you after all. I'm sorry if it's annoying that I keep checking up on you.