Blue Chameleons and Metal Gear Crises: A Plot Twist and a Backstory · 12:00pm Feb 20th, 2019
Blog Number 53: Blue Chameleon VI Edition
On Wednesday 8th February 2017, around the time Lapidify received a review on Loganberry's Louder Yay blog - and for reasons that currently escape me - I revived my first ever username, for use in an alt account: Blue Chameleon. (Later renamed Blue Chameleon VI, just because.)
That account's going down. Soon.
Note I said "revived". Truth be told, while "Impossible Numbers" is my first and main account in the pony fandom, "Blue Chameleon" predated it by several years. This is not my first online fandom. It isn't even my first time attempting fanfiction. Metal Gear Solid got there first.
As far back as 2006-2007, there was a site called Metal Gear Solid: The Unofficial Site, or MGS:TUS. It's still extant, though they must have overhauled the layout since, because the old Chameleon stuff has vanished from it. I didn't last long on the original site anyway, just long enough to begin an overambitious fanfic, dip into a fair few discussions, and then eventually get prematurely scared off it by my parents' warnings about online people (in defence, I was young, twitchy, and relatively unfamiliar with the Internet at the time).
The fanfic wasn't much above juvenilia. It was derivative (too many setpieces could be traced back to particular MGS games), mismatched in tone (it started as a deliberately absurd comedy before switching abruptly to a more serious take), and ultimately never went anywhere. I still remember particular scenes here and there, and could give you the broad gist of it (you'll need help if you're not familiar with MGS lore):
Between Shadow Moses and the Tanker Incident, when Snake was still active in the new NGO Philanthropy, a mission to contact Dr Naomi Hunter at the remote research outpost GENESIS goes awry. An Anti-Philanthropy organisation, headed by disgraced ex-FOXHOUND soldier Red Hound and aided by a mysteriously alive Decoy Octopus, hijack the facility and abduct her, nearly killing Snake in the process.
Some time later, Philanthropy's HQ on a remote Galapagos island is invaded by the same force; traitors within Philanthropy have exploited the organisation's knowledge of Metal Gear to covertly construct a new variant on the same base, and Red Hound wants it. The only informant who knows what's really going on - Jennifer of Philanthropy - has been taken hostage, along with the rest of the Philanthropy staff. With no chance for outside help due to Philanthropy's notorious anti-Metal Gear activities, Snake has to hurry not only to prevent the activation of the new Metal Gear, but to prevent the scandal from disgracing Philanthropy... and to ensure the safety of its staff.
(By the way, in case you're wondering: "Blue Chameleon" was an original character, name roughly based on the FOXHOUND pattern of using animal codenames. "Blue" because the OC wore a blue sneaking suit - at least, blue in its default form - and that stood out to me. The OC is who you see in the avatar for Blue Chameleon VI. I had more artwork, but I must have done a number on my laptop, because only a few scraps survive.)
(And before you ask, no, she wasn't in the fic. I had considered using her for another story, but she was a cheerful stealth soldier and that was it, back when I had even the remotest interest in drawing, and when I fancied trying something new.)
I got as far as setting up the third "boss fight": first was a kind of military jeep in a boulder-strewn ash field, second was a supremely gifted grenadier in a labyrinth-like hollow volcano, third was going to be a computer hacker with access to all the electronic deathtraps found in a maze of corridors, right after Snake locates the Metal Gear variant. It was around that point when I ducked out.
Since then, I've never felt a particularly strong need to go back. "Metal Gear Solid" as a franchise reached that stage when I lost interest in its newer titles and kept going back to the original games I fell in love with. Kinda like where I am with Pony right now.
Blue Chameleon sat out the online life for nearly a decade. When ponydom spun around in 2011-2012, I'd pretty much forgotten old Bluey and went for a completely new name. Thanks to my incredible memory and ability to check things before doing them, I was renamed "Imaginary Numbers", after the mathematical concept of i, or the square root of minus one and all its derivatives.
See anything wrong with that last sentence?
Yeah, my memory's not the best. If I ever said this gig was my first, or gave the impression that I was a complete newbie to fanfiction, that wasn't active deception. I simply have an awful memory. After all, even the notes and variations on that first fanfic fell into the myriad documents and files on my laptop.
(And I just now remembered the original was called "Metal Gear Crisis", because I've also remembered there was a parody fan vid with the same title, someone brought it to my attention at the time, and I shrugged my shoulders before carrying on anyway).
Unfortunately, I don't have the original fanfic in its published state, because I have and still have a bad habit of not backing things up. Heck, I lost a bunch of flashfics off Loganberry's group because I failed to make backups in case some of the threads mysteriously inconveniently vanished. Which they did. D'oh!
So anyway, for the longest time, I was on and off this FIMFiction site too. While I have been active since the prime youth of the pony phenomenon, I'd say my contributions only really took off in 2016, a year which culminated in the elevation of Lapidify: To See and Die to the Royal Canterlot Library. By then, the writing was gathering momentum, and 2017 looked even better than 2016.
Still not sure why I created Blue Chameleon VI. I dunno. Just to see if I could, I suppose.
It sat idle for a year and two months, a nostalgic curio and nothing more. Then in 2018, things started to go wrong for me.
See, 2018 began by continuing my fantastic streak from 2017, with more stories, more ideas, more inspiration. Within three months, I was set to write at least three novels and accelerating fast. That paltry New Year's Resolution - finish 2018 with a novel - felt like child's play. I wasn't always so confident, even then, but for the most part the signs were good.
Then, at the beginning of April, trouble started. The pace faltered. I had a hard time trying to keep the novels afloat. Alarmed, I whittled down the focus to just one, and for a while it seemed to work. Lure of the Flower was that one, and I remained cautiously optimistic that I could finish it within a month or so. Around about the same time, a friend of mine - Ceffyl Dwr, as it happens - corresponded with me via PMs, and through a bit of back-and-forth recommended I try the Writeoff to test my mettle.
Feeling I should do it as anonymously as possible, I remembered old Bluey and set up an account there, partly as a test to see if I could (even today, I'm still a bit hesitant online), partly to avoid anyone pointing and saying "That's Impossible Numbers' writing! I'd recognize it anywhere!" when it came time to judging. As it happens, Impossible Numbers did set up an account on the Writeoff too, but more for the heck of it than because it was genuinely going to see any action. I even pretended to be Australian in my first comment, just to throw people off.
Oh, hell...
My first entry was an original short story, and an overambitious flop.
Not exactly an encouraging introduction.
Unlike most contests, though, you could try again on the next iteration, and the next, and so on and so forth. Determined not to fail so badly again, I rolled up my sleeves, barred no holds, and charged right in.
Result? Three short stories in the FIM round, all of which made finals, one of which got a bronze medal. Eight minifics in the next original round, six of which made finals, one of which got a silver medal.
You bet that felt good.
Oh, there were warning signs even then. I got impatient with the long waits for reviews, some of which seemed unsatisfactory at the time. Attention was diverted from the novel to the contests, just to see how far I could push the envelope. As time went on, I even successfully submitted all three FIM short stories to Equestria Daily (who actually cottoned on pretty early that this was an alt, so my shamefully naughty attempts to submit Impossible Numbers stories simultaneously was short-lived).
By now, I had a taste of real success, and I wanted more. More. More!
Oh, it went downhill fast.
Unfortunately, those early successes set the standard for future contests, and it turned out to be a standard I wasn't equal to. For the next two contests, I came really close to medals, but always fell just shy by one or two places. In a reasonable frame of mind, that would be a fair result, but I wasn't in a reasonable frame of mind. As far as I was concerned, anything less than a medal was a failure. It didn't help I was still frustrated with the waiting, I felt unnatural posting comments and reviews on other people's work (on FIMFiction, I stopped doing that long ago), and I think in hindsight it's abundantly clear I wasn't built for competition. Not well, anyway. I'll gloss over my, ahem, bad attitude at the time, but let's just say it needed a couple of kicks from other people on-site to snap me back to my senses.
And then I entered my sixth contest, the FIM short story round - my second FIM short story round, for those keeping track - and two entries I slaved over failed to make finals. The third didn't even score very highly within finals.
I was livid. It didn't help by then that my ability to handle criticism had worn down to nearly nothing. I stayed on for a couple more minific rounds, but by then I was doing it just out of obligation and desperation. While I did enjoy writing and generally tried to raise my game and/or try something experimental here and there for creativity's sake, the lack of result, the lack of community feeling (I generally lurked on their Discord under a pseudonym, and such was my mindset at the time that their comments started to feel like a campaign of persecution), and the lack of pay-off just wore me down further.
After September, I took in the big picture and realized this was growing seriously unhealthy. Still, I had to wrestle myself out of continuing further. Competitive spirit and hungry impatience shouldn't be allowed the reins when the horse is careening off the track.
Unfortunately, by then the damage was done. With the exception of a Sunset Shimmer Shipping Contest - that c-word again - in early September, I'd had no writing success in months. I was too dependent on the Writeoff framework, so when I returned to normal pursuits, I could only manage the occasional short fic, Calendar Chaos and Business Bubble. And by now I was horribly aware of two things: one, that the novel deadline was much closer than it had seemed before; and two, I'd lost the inspiration for it.
Three months to go.
Most of October was me trying to take a step back, reconsider my options, and just be kind to myself. I wrote next to nothing.
Two months to go.
In November, I hopped onto the NaPoWriMo event, as I always did, with the express intention of finishing a novel. I wrote a lot - Growing Your Own Legacy was one result - but in my overambitious state, it did nothing to please me. I kept flitting back and forth between projects, so while in the aggregate I met the 50k target, in ulterior motive I'd failed miserably.
I also made the mistake of hazarding a return to the Writeoff. Although I won a gold medal for the first time, what should have been a proud achievement felt completely hollow and pointless. I'd nearly driven myself mad for this? For something that didn't make any difference, and in a context where my other entries fared abysmally? No. It was a fluke. It wasn't earned. It proved nothing other than that I was firing randomly in the hopes of hitting something meaningful. I just gave up there and then.
One month to go.
By now, things were getting serious. I'd spent most of my time trying to meet a different novel, with Lure of the Flower as a backup option. Well, as December wore on I abandoned the different novel in desperation, and as December still wore on I didn't even feel confident Lure would make it. I resigned myself to a dismal end to a dismal year, and my only resolution in tatters. Hence the serious claim in Blog Number 51 that I might as well just throw in the towel.
On the last two days, I figured I had nothing to lose and basically rushed it.
Lure of the Flower - my debut novel - was complete.
2019 so far hasn't really done much for me, though the achievement of Lure of the Flower was probably the main reason I'd returned to a somewhat healthier state of mind. I still remain convinced that writing isn't really my forte. Oh, I'll grant I've written stuff that people like, and ultimately I did finish that novel. But a true writer would manage that with some degree of professional acumen, and 2018 makes a strong case for writing being against the grain of my character. Inconsistency, misguided ambition, touchiness to criticism, and a grotesque attitude to anything less than complete success are hardly a collective ringing endorsement.
So where does that leave Blue Chameleon VI? Well, with the Writeoff firmly behind me and a bunch of works languishing under a relatively obscure account, it's become clear that Blue Chameleon, at least in this incarnation, has worn out her welcome. Perhaps some other time, under more opportune circumstances.
But for now, I'm closing that account. A fun experiment and a handy little outlet on the side though it was, it's served its purpose. Having transferred all those BCVI fics to my own account, I'll be checking for any remaining comments or mentions, but this much I can guarantee: Blue Chameleon VI, as she stands, will not survive February. I've simply no further use for her, especially since more and more people have worked out who she really is.
This is a gloomy way to end, so I'll end on a more hopeful note. I haven't given up on writing. Mismatched though it and I may be, I suppose I could settle for something less wedded to absolute perfectionism and just do it because, well, I like writing. Even during the worst rounds of the Writeoff, I still remember fondly those frantic days when I'd try to wring out as many story concepts as possible from just one prompt. Surely, there's something there worth cultivating! 
And I still have the old files for those Metal Gear-inspired stories, now over a decade old. Although the original version's lost forever, I still have its variants on hold, some of which involved replacing the cast with OCs, Blue Chameleon being one of them. Who knows? Perhaps sleeping ideas don't have to sleep forever.
I don't know what 2019 has in store for me, though dear God I hope nothing as bad as 2018. And while the year so far has seen little in the way of actual writing, the ideas still come to me. I remain, as the cliche goes, cautiously optimistic.
Oh, and for those in the "Blue Chameleon" know, because I simply couldn't resist: G'day, mates, and a bonza new year to you all! 
More than a few have been there.
Thanks for the explanation! :)
I’m in a sort of love/hate relationship with the writeoff myself. I’ve tried doing the writeoff whenever I can, and sometimes I’m able to pump something out in the (what I consider to be) insanely short deadlines. But... I’ve always found I’m more of a slow burn person when it comes to story ideas. This means I usually get a good idea for a prompt well after the submission deadline. So I don’t end up doing nearly as many stories for them as I’d like. Don’t get me wrong, I think the writeoff is a great thing, but with such a short prep period, and no way to control the outcomes, the perfectionist in me despised writing for it. I try in on the mini fics still, but even that is hard for me.
I know you have a vision of what a “true writer” is, but even professional writers go through long periods of writers block. And just because you can’t crank out stories that don’t top the charts or win every contest, doesn’t mean you’re not a true writer. If writing makes you happy or helps put you in a better mental headspace, then try to just take a break and come back to it. Professional success should never be a driving force as to whether you continue writing or not, that should fall to how writing affects you. I went through a spot at the end of 2017 going into mid 2018 where I just couldn’t force myself to write. (Thanks depression) I even thought that maybe me and writing were going to permanently part ways. Eventually though, I got back into it. And I’m enjoying myself again.
So, here’s to hoping you get your muse back, motivation and writers block comes and goes, but you’ll always be a writer, even if you’re not always topping those charts and whatnot.
Gah I hope that was motivational and not just a burst of train of senseless consciousness.
For me, it was like a rebirth/exorcism/suitable metaphor to finally wrap my one longfic back in December. It left me feeling fulfilled by the journey, yet absolutely dead tired, yet at the same time too keyed-up to take a proper rest. I spent a good chunk of January jumping at shadows of terrible fic ideas before finally giving in and spending a gleefully stupid amount of time playing Fallout 4. And while that’s not the most fulfilling thing in the grand sense, it ended up reorienting me towards the need to have some fun with stuff.
So, I suppose it’s a journey. Take care of yourself as you continue upon it.
I come online. I open the feed. "Oh, cool, finally a new life sign from Impossible Numbers, I started to get worried!" First thing my eyes fell upon:
That account's going down. Soon.
Me: OH, COME ON!
We just talked about this! 
-----------> HEART ATTACK.
I actually start reading. "Phew, okay, he's only deleting an alt account..... Be still, my fitful heart. But, wait, Blue Chameleon VI? Don't I know this name from somewhere?"
" --------> HEART ATTACK #2
I go and open the account. "Hmm, 11 stories....." I click on "Stories". "Oh, all wiped, HAHAHA!
I go on FIMFetch, look up the author name Blue Chameleon VI. "Hmm, hmm, alright, only ten stories here, that means one's missing, shit!" I scroll back up. "Oh, hey, Blue Chameleon VI is the author of 'Limestone Pie Meets Petunia Paleo'!" --------> HEART ATTACK #3
I go and read through your blog entry, with growing panic..... "Shit, he won't be taking down this account too, will he?" ------> close to HEART ATTACK #4.
Reads: Having transferred all those BCVI fics to my own account
I go and compare with FIMFetch and find them all here, the one I'd put on "Read Later" even still on that list. "Be still my fitful heart. Be still."
I go and hug my heart to prevent it from stopping.
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Me after coming on FIMFiction for the first time today. So, how were your last ten minutes?
That scared me. I'm glad you're not jumping ship, because I am jumpy right now. Since the disaster news from Sunday, I sit in a hole of sadness.
If there would have been another bad news here, I think my heart would have actually stopped.
For the record, I never figured it out.
5016887
So I'm coming to appreciate, more and more.
No worries. Although to be fair, your reaction yesterday to that bombshell was pretty funny.
5016916
Fast-paced contests are kind of a rush and a risk, for me. Official contests with targets get my blood pumping gleefully, and in hindsight at least I got some memorable achievements out of the Writeoff, such as stories which I liked. But the same competitive speed makes it easy to crash and burn the instant it doesn't go how I expected. High-speed motivation, and with the same risks as bedevil, say, Formula One drivers.
I am taking - and I have taken - this as a sign to go back to the drawing board, certainly, with more research for materials to use and/or draw inspiration from. For want of a better word, a bit of "soul-searching", though with copious amounts of playing video games and watching DVDs. (That's kind of like research, right?
)
I'll come back to this comment. Nothing wrong with it at all; I get your points.
5016925
I am disappointed my own debut novel didn't really end with a sense of celebration, like I'd hoped. After all, years have been building up to this debut, and I was always convinced that would be my crowning achievement. I guess the context of its completion didn't encourage much jubilation.
But the more time goes on, the more I actually kind of feel good, even great, about it in hindsight. Not so much jubilant as just more securely and solidly satisfied that the evidence is there now. If that makes sense?
5016972
Heh, sorry. I do tend to the dramatic build-up a little bit.
Oh gosh no, I'm not jumping ship. I'm certainly not done with this gig yet, even if I do have to resort to nostalgia to keep it going. I can lay that concern to rest right now. All I can say at present is that I'm just biding my time until I'm ready to jump back onto the course.
Also, what news on Sunday, if I may ask?
5017141
I've had a look at the Writeoff site occasionally since abandoning the events, and the participation seems to have decreased, in some cases dramatically. I can only speculate, but perhaps low turnout is part of the problem? After all, the fewer people take part, the easier it is for a few people with particular tastes to skew things away from a more balanced global assessment.
5017177
Well, I shan't say I abandoned it either; I was fallow for a long time and now I check up on it regularly, but the problem for me is that the conceptualization of a decent story upon seeing the prompt always takes like 105% of the allotted writing time, leaving me with negative time to write my story. I keep looking in, though!
5017164
Oh, boy.
I thought you knew about it already. Cause the entire fandom does. I hate that I have to be the bringer of that news now..... And I'm afraid to tell it to you, out of fear it could discourage you..... But I know how dedicated you are, so I hope this will soften the blow for you.
Well, what news? As it stands now, with Hasbro's fateful announcement at New York Toy Fair, the end times for Generation 4 are ultimately upon us. Season 9 is going to be the last one.
5017202
Oh, that news! I knew about that. Sorry, I'm just really slow at the moment.
I get it, definitely. This is a big deal, especially given how astonishing it is the show's lasted so long and kept so many people entertained throughout. But I don't feel too bad about it, and not just because I stopped really keeping up a while back. I'm personally more optimistic. The show's been trying new things every season already; I think a completely new series might be just what it needs to keep itself fresh. Another continuity means another avenue for fan creation and inspiration. And I think it's better the current generation bows out now, while people want more, than that it should wear out its welcome by staying too long.
I'm not worried at all.
If anything, I've been looking forward to a new show, and a new interpretation. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise.
5017207
A blessing or a curse, it remains to be seen. Depends on it if Generation 5 is going to be a hard or a soft reboot. I am hoping for the latter. Still with Equestria, still with the same world, just with different ponies/creatures as the manecast, perhaps with a new primary location for the show's setting.
That would be enough to make it fresh and justify calling it "Generation 5". I really hope that's Hasbro's plan. A hard reboot would be horrible.
5017164
I already knew the connection, I was just shocked by the stories moving!
I certainly can understand that love/hate relationship with the feedback and the competition and the internet points. I'm glad to hear that you've been finding a more fulfilling and healthier approach.
I've never been as frustrated with the Writeoffs as when I felt like I was performing below my own standards. But in the long run, even that has been valuable, if only because releasing the Writeoff-panned Paint it Black to general enjoyment was a useful reality check on not letting the critique there be a stand-in for actual audience reaction. When the purpose of the feedback is explicitly to improve the story, it's easy to get caught up in a focus for the negative. And because of the tight deadline, stories with major flaws still win there all the time. (Note: I say this looking only at my own track record.) These days I just use it to give me a writing prompt and a kick in the motivation, and to workshop the first draft so I can get a range of outside opinions before editing.